Zack begins making his own bad decisions

Zack picked up an antiquated rotary dial phone. No good. The line was dead.

Zack placed it back in the cradle with a sigh. It didn't make sense. Why would the owners cheap out with the phone bill when they were paying for power, water, and gas on a huge house that no one lived in--especially when the cell reception was so spotty?

Maybe they didn't leave the utilities on all the time. Maybe the caretaker was at the house.

Zack looked at his phone. He still had zero bars, but maybe someplace else in the house would be different. After all, it was a three-story house on a hill. The signal on the top floor would have to be a lot better.

He found his way to a library on the east wing of the house. He glanced at the spines and noticed a theme. For every Mark Twain or Jane Austen, there were half a dozen books on Babylon, comparative religions, and sex. Zack was a virgin, and wasn't very curious about ancient Near Eastern religions. The First Night; How a sexually experienced woman can please an inexperienced man (38 full-color diagrams) looked good, though.

He heard a door open and closed his book quickly but quietly. Sam walked up, rubbing his thighs awkwardly.

"Hey."

"Hey," Zack echoed, "Where have you been?"

"Um. Around. Have you seen... anyone go though here?" Sam's eyes checked the corners of the room.

"Is there someone else in the house besides us?"

"Yeah, a maid. Her name's Alice," Sam nearly whispered, "and I've got to find her."

Zack didn't know where to start. "Did you talk to her? Can she call a tow truck?"

"No. I don't know. She said we could stay here tonight. Look, I've got to find her. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with her."

"Wha...? What is wrong with you?!" Zack yelled, "Do you want to leave or not?"

"Not yet," Sam said as he walked away.

"Where's Alex?"

Sam had already left in a cloud of lust and unhelpfulness. Zack found the staircase and made his way up. He found a recently used bedroom with the light on, but he couldn't tell if it was Sam or the caretaker who had been there. He began to suspect it was both.

The third floor landing was another archeological showcase. There was a 10 foot tall pole carved with cuneiform that looked for all the world like a giant dong. There was a table topped with black and white tiles that looked like constellations. And there was a small table with horns and a plaque over it.

The plaque read:

AKKADIAN ALTAR TO TAMMUZ. TEL FALES SITE, ESHNANNA. 21ST CENTURY BC.
O TAMMUZ, WHOSE SEED WATERS THE GROUND
AND SATISFIES THE CRAVINGS OF INANNA,
LET NO DISEASE COME UPON MY HOUSEHOLD,
FOR I AM RIGHTEOUS.
MAY YOUR SEED BECOME MINE,
THAT I MAY WATER MY FIELDS
AND SOW THEM PLENTIFULLY.
Hymn to Tammuz, Eshnanna tablets.
Translation by I. Paulsen

Zack never could explain just what made him grab the horns of the altar and read the plaque aloud.