But It's Far Too Late For That

“I can explain,” I lied, because really I couldn’t.

Well I could. I could tell him everything and lay it all out for him. But Eddie wasn’t going to believe without proof, and that was the last thing in the world I had right now.

The simple fact was that the situation I was in defied explanation.

Hey there Eddie. I know all that personal stuff about you because you told me it when we lived through this time in a different life. We were friends, close enough to tell each other nearly everything, and I know you and I know where you’re heading and that’s why I want to be your friend again.

Because this time around I have the chance to avoid making the same mistakes. And if I had one mistake in my life I’d wanted to try to fix, it’d be you.

But without proof of any of that it’s just me screaming into a void. It just makes me seem crazier. It’ll just push him farther away.

“I can explain,” I said again, but Eddie wheeled away from me, eyes wide with fear and panic and distrust as he shouts one last word before he goes.

“I don’t want to hear it,” he snarled, “Whoever you are. Whatever you’re here for. Just stay the fuck away from me.”

And then he turns and he runs, stumbling over himself and hitting the ground before pulling up and continuing with his run. Half drunk and stumbling he disappeared into the darkness and though it’s the last thing in the world I want to do, I let him go.

“Fuck,” I muttered under my breath, well aware of just how badly I screwed that all up.

Breath in slow. Breath out slower. Try to calm the pounding in my heart and try to just accept things as they are. You’d think after a lifetime of that I’d be better at it, but maybe this body wasn’t ready to just fall into idleness quite yet.

In the near distance the party was still pounding out noise. I checked the time and saw that it’d be wrapping up within the hour and I couldn’t believe that I’d actually been out this long, far longer than I’d anticipated.

What had I done tonight? I’d gotten too close to Rachel and wound up putting her in a place where she might have thought more of me than I’d even thought of myself. I’d drawn the attention of a crowd, all those men looking at me like I was a tasty treat on full display. Stumbled into Blake and let him get so close to me, those hands all over me and giving me… giving me…

And then Eddie. Saying too much and driving him away.

Great job, Emily. Hell of a job. Why don’t we call it a night?

I sighed low and spotted the bottle of vodka in the grass a little ways away. Eddie must have dropped it when he ran and I wasn’t going to turn down a free drink so I walked over to it, plucked it up, and took a quick swig.

The burn was familiar and comforting, enough that I even let a little smile on my face and gave a little half-chuckle, more than bemused at the craziness of the evening. It had been eventful, I could say that much at least. And while there would be repercussions for my indiscretions, they could wait until the morning.

Turning slow I walked up to the top of a nearby hill, tall enough that it afforded me a view of the party. In the darkness behind me lay home, with all of its comforts and all of its certainty, and I knew that I should go to it but I didn’t know if I was ready quite yet.

Part of me wanted that. Wanted to go home and crawl into my bed and forget about my troubles. Pretend that today was just a simple day like any other. Part of me wanted to forget, even if just for a night.

But the other part of me told me that distraction was the key instead. It cautioned that lying in bed, alone, would lead only to me being **** to confront my own thoughts.

The party beckoned. It told me that if only for another hour I could have my freedom, my distraction. It told me that I could relax, could be someone else. Anonymous in the crowd.

And the thought of it was tempting, was oh so tempting.

Fingers curling against my body I contemplated it. I let the beat swing into my body and sway my hips. I took another swig from the bottle, the heat burning in my chest as my eyes fixated on the mass of the crowd and the looming darkness around me grew even darker.

I wondered, for maybe the first time, not what it was that I wanted but what Emily wanted instead.

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