From the D*cks of the World

What the Straw Hats didn’t realise when they set sail was that they had caused a bigger stir than they realised. The world knew that they were back, and it was up to one photographer to make sure that they knew.

Or at least, that’s what he thought.

Rushing through the Marine base and bursting through the double doors, Attach began waving the photos in his hand, “Miss Tsuru! Miss Tsuru!” Panted the photographer, “I have the pictures of the Straw Hats! I definitely got a picture of the blonde this time!”

“That’s okay, Attach. Mattach has already submitted her photos.”

His heart sank, looking upon the scene with pure despair. There she was, Mattach, his arch photography rival. They’d interned under the same great Morgan at the same time and had always tried to one up each other in every aspect of life. But he’d begun pulling away when they joined the Marines, Attach had always managed to get the superior photos of pirates that the older officer Tsuru seemed to prefer. Until now…

“Mattach believes you haven’t been taking sexy enough photographs.” The elderly woman explained, showing off the photos of the Straw Hats she’d managed to capture of their time on Sabaody, “And I completely agree. It would be rather fun to shame these perverse pirates. Maybe you could start doing something similar with your photography? Plus it'll distract the public in case Morgan tries to leak our newly infertile Celestial Dragons.”

He grit his teeth while Mattach cockily grinned at him. “Y-yes… ma’am…”

They both left the office at the same time. All while they kept the same grimace/smile combo.

“Fine. You may have won this round, Mattach. But if I need to get sexy pictures I’ll do whatever it takes to stay number 1!”

“Hm? Oh, makes sense. Your photos are always pretty good,” said Mattach calmly, walking forwards from him briefly before suddenly raising her skirt towards him and flashing her lack of panties quite brazenly, “Why don’t you start getting some practice with me?”

Attach blinked. His world rocking on its heels as his rival giggled at his rising blood pressure.

“U-uh… okay…”

The photos themselves began to be printed on new Wanted Posters to be sent all over the world. But first, the group got a whole page dedicated to them in the morning paper. It was big news after all, the return of the Straw Hats and their… new looks.

“WHAT IS THIS PHOTO?!”

“I said give me a minute!”

Nojiko had been dealing with customer after customer today, a lovely busyness to her business, if it wasn’t for Genzo all up in her face about something silly. Currently seething with a bright red scarred face, steaming so much it sent his pinwheel crazy.

“There we go, thank you for your patronage!” She smiled to the last of the rush, “Alright, now what was it you wanted to show me?”

“LOOK!”

Well, it was certainly enough to make Nojiko raise an eyebrow.

Her sister had grown a nice long mane of red hair, something she hadn’t been able to do with the amount of pirates getting close enough to grab her, and as one would expect from a woman pirate her clothes were rather minimal with only one green cum splattered bra on.

It was the dick she was sucking that was a surprise.

‘Cum Burglar Nami’, wanted dead or alive, had a big smile on her face as she sucked the large penis so much it gave her concave cheeks.

“Since when do the Marines post SMUT?! And why is Nami fraternising like that?! It’s… IT’S-!”

“A cute photo.”

His anger spluttered out of control, laced with such utter confusion by the bluenette’s words.

She rolled her eyes at him, “You look at this and just see her being slutty. I see that big smile on her face as something to treasure.”

“...the smile with a penis inside?”

“Yes, can you not see how much she cares about the guy she’s sucking?” She pointed out, “Her eyes are looking up, her cheeks are trying their best to make him feel good, and her smile shows that she’s enjoying it almost as much as him.” Nojiko pointed to the various places as Genzo nodded in understanding, “Anyway, I’m just happy to see she’s grown so healthy looking in the last two years. I was getting worried about her.”

He grimaced, he growled, he practically threw an internal tantrum as he looked at the photo, before eventually just saying, “Fine. But I’m still sending a complaint to the Marines for indecency!”

“Ha! Chopper’s friends are certainly a buncha weirdos!” Doctorine laughed loudly, glugging down another bottle of grog before wiping her mouth, “Some cute boys in there now, especially the rock star, I’m sure I can get them to jump a young beauty like me next time they visit. I’ll just have to make sure I have enough cotton candy for Chopper, hehe!”

“I dunno how I feel about it,” said Kiwi.

“Yeah, I know what you mean…” Agreed Mozu, “I know the rest of the old crew think the robot-look is cool, but I think his shoulders are too big now.”

Her sister nodded, “Totally. And his poor luscious hair, shaved off? For shame… I’d still blow him though.”

“Oh, no question. His dick was great, and the way he paraded it around was so hot. Guess that’s why he’s ‘Perverted Cyborg Franky’ now.” said Mozu before trailing off and pondering the rest of the page. “...you think he’s done it with her?”

“What, ‘Demon Slut Nico Robin’? Maybe, but the image makes it look like she’s dancing for someone else.” Her finger pointed to the man in the cupboard that Robin’s eyes seemed to be focused, tucked into the corner of the photo of her belly dancing. “He’d never fit in that tiny door anymore. No, I think Boss is probably just doing what he’s always done. Fuck around with whoever’s interested, but keep it chill otherwise.”

“True. Too bad we couldn’t wait for him to return though.”

“You absolutely could have done, She-Beasts!”

They turned to see an ironic image. A man most known for his ability to use rope effectively is now tied up with the very same object.

“Oh? You have sex with two sisters, make us carry your child, and you call us the Beasts?”

Paulie’s face was full of blood while he ground his teeth in both anger and embarrassment. “Y-you were in such indecent clothing and were dancing at me! Kept begging me to do… things to you!”

Kiwi and Mozu continued to tease him, walking over and placing their rears on each of legs, leaning their knees a little too close to his hardening crotch, “Oh quit pretending. As cute as it is, you’re not the innocent puppy you think you are.”

“Paulie’s a real manly fuck machine. We’re just lucky to have tied you up in time.”

“Now, say cheese.” the two sisters leant back and posed, Mozu holding a Den Den Mushi in her hands ready to wink at the three with Paulie in the middle, “We wanna send a photo to Franky to know who managed to ding us!”

“No… don’t show Ms Kaya!”

“She has to know!”

“I can’t believe the Captain would do this…”

Kaya was sitting amongst the bristling trees relaxing. She’d just come back from a small trip around the island on Merry’s newest ship design, and was feeling a little bit different, enjoying the relaxing shade that had once upon a time been where a certain sniper struck a hypnotist. But her relaxing quiet was interrupted when the three boys she knew from the village were fighting over the morning paper.

“Is there something about Usopp in there?” She asked them, making the struggle stop instantly as one of them grimaced but the other handed her the newspaper.

Well, this time there was no mask covering the face of ‘Cum-Shot King: Usopp’. Instead of a masked man with a long nose, Usopp was there for the world to see. Clenching his eyes tight, mouth in an ‘o’ shape, and clearly climaxing hard. The photo was taken from relatively close, so there was no telling who the woman was, though the ginger in the picture a row down seemed to be a good guess with the darker skinned cock in her mouth.

“S-sorry you had to see that!” One announced, “We’ll bash the captain when he gets back for making you sad, Ms Kaya!”

“It sucks!”

“Yeah, he was probably gonna make you his wife…”

She should care. She should have reacted negatively. But Kaya’s single journey had changed her mental state a little, and right now she was thinking about that positively manly physique that Usopp now seemed to have.

“I hear pirates can take many wives…” Kaya lewdly smiled while looking at his picture, biting her lip lightly at the image before realising who she was talking to, “Uh, um, th-thank you for showing me! I’m feeling a little faint so I’m going back to my room for a bit…” She mumbled before hurrying away.

“Poor thing.” They sighed.

It was probably the nicest picture of Sanji the Marines had ever taken.

A shot of him from behind, sun setting behind him, breathing out the remnants of the cigarette in his hand, all while he leant on the Sunny’s railing in a very cool pose.

In any other context Sanji would probably be over the moon with it.

But the Baratie was in hysterics for one very specific reason.

That photo was taken after a very specific and loud conversation had happened on the Sunny. One that Mattach had heard and transcribed to disastrous results.

“SMOKING VIRGIN SANJI!” They roared, slamming whatever surface they could find as they laughed and laughed. Tears in their eyes and bellies hurting from pure comedy. The one chance to redeem himself after such an awful first bounty… ruined by the Marines’ new naming convention.

Zeff smirked at the picture, “Ah, you’ll get there, shitty kid.” He mumbled to himself, mostly just relieved that Sanji was alive and well, “Though I feel that name’s gonna stick with ya.”

“Hm, I think I’ll avoid showing my students this picture of you, Zoro-kun…” A wise old mentor scratched his chin, somewhat amused by the new photo of the green haired man. Now with the title of ‘Nut Hunter’ as he orgasmed into the mouth of a pink haired girl, with gritted teeth and blush on his grimacing face. “Still, nice to see you’ve found someone nice. Ah… to be young again.”

“Did you see him Monkey-chan off then?”

Rayleigh landed his heavy bag on the counter, stretching his old back out a bit as he nodded to Shakky. “Gave me a similar speech to him again. Telling me he was going to be Pirate King before leaving.” He smiled, feeling slight melancholy of the separation of his two year student but still appreciating his desire to fight the world.

With a long draw of her cigarette, Shakky let him have his quiet moment alone before sliding the morning paper over to him.

“And did you see who he was with?”

The paper had a picture of everyone in the crew that had been before, at first he saw Brook with his concert poster as a wanted poster, but then he saw Luffy’s. It still said Monkey D. Luffy, a privilege the rest of his crew didn’t necessarily get, but the picture had changed to be jumping around on top of Aphelandra’s breasts with a huge smile on his face, treating them like a trampoline as the Kuja look on and clap.

Thankfully it didn’t include Hancock, for the sake of her standing, but the implication was pretty clear.

“Seems like our little love-struck Empress got the guy in the end.” She smiled.

Rayleigh nodded, walking over to her and embracing Shakky with a hug and kiss, “Yeah, I guess Luffy and I’s tastes are more alike than I realised. Eh? Former Empress?”

The ocean is so deep.

I’ve never really thought about it before. I’ve lived around it all my life but it’s not like I swim in the sea very often, or go deep sea diving, or go so deep that a fish could literally flop onto the deck. It was a beautiful sight no matter where you looked. We’d set off at the tale end of the night, and now the sun was shining through the huge body of water to shimmer against the colourful fish swimming around us.

We were still travelling further down the ocean floor so the light wasn’t super bright, and we had about twenty four hours of being the Thousand Submarine before we actually reached Fishman Island, so the crew had begun to disperse and deal with their various tasks and routines.

But it seemed that the first thing to do was dealing with the newcomers.

“Oi, Natsuo! I’m ready now so pay attention!”

I snapped my head back to the long nosed man in front of me, “Sorry!”

He frowned but continued, looking over his notes on the table in front of him. To my left, Perona grumpily tapping her foot against the floor and pouting, to my right was Marguerite, a nervous girl sitting with perfect posture and awaiting judgement like this was a life or **** situation.

“Alright everyone! This is your interview for joining the Straw Hats, I’m Usopp, nice to meet you. Now please state your names.”

“M-Marguerite.” “Natsuo.” “What’s it to ya, long-nose?!”

Usopp frowned again, rolling his eyes before writing Perona on his sheet.

“Previous occupations.”

“I’ve been a warrior for the Kuja Pirates all my life.”

“I was a revolutionary slash dishwasher until recently, but I guess I’m a pirate slash masseuse now.”

“I was a lonely cute girl on a wonderful moving island with a humble and lovable captain, before a group of horrible pirates ripped me from my home and sent me to live as a scullery maid for-”

The interviewer growled at that, “Gekko Moriah was not humble! He was a violent kidnapper who ripped people’s shadows from their bodies!”

“Shut up! He made me a big teddy bear!”

“That’s your defence?!” He yelled before taking another beat and composing himself, “I’m just going to write Pirate… now, this wasn’t on the last interview I did, but I guess I should ask about significant others?”

“I dedicate my life to my King! Monkey D. Luffy!”

“Robin seems to like me, though sometimes I wonder how.”

“N-no one! What’s this questioning?! I don’t even like Zoro, idiot!”

After writing in all our answers he tapped his pencil against his chin, taking a moment to consider the words and look at us all individually for a moment, “Now you’ve all three expressed loyalties to these three, but also perhaps to your previous occupations. I want to ask where your heart is in terms of the future. To us and your partner, or whoever you were with before?”

As it had been the whole interview, Marguerite answered quickly in hopes to get bonus points I guess, “I will always be loyal to my old crew and my old Queen. Her orders were to protect Luffy and I plan to do exactly that.”

“That’s about what I expected,” Usopp nodded while writing, “All fine with me. I doubt Luffy is gonna need much protection, but if that’s what you want I think it’s noble. I’m sure you could still be friends with us too though, if you’d like.” The blonde seemed to smile and blush a very tiny amount at her feelings being recognised, she was pretty cute not gonna lie. “As for you! I know you’re evil… still loyal to Moriah… here to kill everyone… there, you score 0 all round!” He mumbled while writing down on Perona’s sheet.

“OI! Personal biases! I demand a recount and a better interviewer!” She barked, slamming her hands on the table, “If I wanted you dead I’d have done it already!”

“...negative three points…”

“You wanna see negative, bastard?!” Her fists clenched towards him in rage, a white bubble swirling around her hand that made me and Marguerite shimmy slightly away from her.

He frowned, looking like he was really resisting the urge to get in a literal fight with her, “You tried to literally kill me, so I’m allowed a little bit of reservation.” He mumbled bitterly, “But being pregnant with Zoro’s child is a good enough argument as to why you are loyal. So I apologise and rescind my complaints... for now.” It wasn’t much of an apology, but Perona and Usopp clearly had big beef that wasn’t easily squashed, and with a disapproving click of her tongue, the pinknette kept quiet.

“Okay, Natsuo, you used to be loyal to the revolutionaries. Can we be sure you’re not a spy for them?”

“...you really think Dragon would send me to spy on his son?”

Usopp blinked for a moment, then put his fist in his palm, “Right. I actually forgot for a moment there that Luffy was Dragon’s son…” He nodded while Perona seemed to giggle at his idiocy, “...but still! You COULD be here to monitor him for someone else! Or be here to kidnap Robin for their schemes! Or here to kill me! Spill your secrets, masseuse! If that even IS what you do!”

After an unimpressed beat I grabbed the finger he was shoving in my face, applying pressure to his pointer in just a way that made his whole arm jiggle in pleasure.

“I retract that last statement.” He bowed slightly where he sat.

While Perona and Marguerite seemed to be awed and curious about my powers, I just focused on answering the question, “Good. As for the revolutionaries… I definitely am not here to spy, kill, or kidnap anyone, especially Robin. Dragon let the two of us go willingly, and though I’m sure he has some way of keeping tabs on her, it isn’t me. I was never one of his top men or even someone he really gave a second thought to. Just a number in the crowd, washing the dishes or being an extra body for big raids.”

“Then what’s your dream?”

…

………..

Was that the first time anyone’s asked me that?

I… was that the first time I even asked myself that? What the hell DID I want from life? Something quiet maybe… but was that just my default state that I wanted to return to out of fear of the unknown? …being alone sucks… and really isn’t much of a life goal…

“...I-I don’t know… protecting Robin I guess? Or does that classify as what I want but not my dream…?”

I think they could sense my distress, Marguerite placing a sympathetic hand on my shoulder and Usopp giving a confused thumbs up, “Uh, good! It wasn’t supposed to be a big question, and it isn’t essential that everyone always has a dream. Just something we would support you in working towards, ya know?”

The words calmed me down a little. Guess I get more freaked out thinking about myself and the future than I thought. Nodding with a thumbs up, I hoped that I hadn’t brought down the mood too much…

“Have you asked them about their fetishes yet?”

Nami had suddenly appeared behind Usopp to lean herself up against him, her chin on his shoulder and body pressing up against his back as he puffed some air out his mouth.

“No, because that isn’t one of the questions.”

“Yeah it is, I added it right there.”

“I-HEY! This is a serious interview!”

“I like Luffy’s mushroom!” Marguerite announced, still overeager to prove herself. The pair smiling and frowning at her response respectively, “Um, it’s really fun to play with when he’s soft cause it stretches, and isn't very scary… but also really fun when he’s hard cause he uses it on me.”

Nami instantly overtook Usopp’s clear objection, “Nice! Being into soft dicks, that’s a good one! I’m still impressed you guys made Luffy hard at all, but if the island of women couldn’t do it then no one could I guess!”

“Oi! Quit wrecking the interview!” Usopp pouted, “I have to find out if these guys are gonna kill us in our sleep!”

“Well I’m just helping get to the crux of the matter. If we find out they’re too horny to kill us, then that solves both problems, doesn’t it?” Nami explained, before flashing a cheeky grin at her boyfriend then turning to us, “Anyone else?”

“Zoro’s got a cute butt, and cuter nipples to play with,” Perona casually threw out, almost uninterested in revealing her deepest fetishes, “Though… anyone here know how to get him to **** me? He keeps acting like I’m too frail to really rough up.”

The ginger pirate blew air from her lips dismissively. “Good luck ever getting that stubborn, muscle-brained, wall do anything you want. You’re seriously gonna need it.”

“Ugh, yeah… do you know I have to make him depressed to cuddle? It’s hot to feel him whimper but a girl also wants proper snuggles sometimes too, dammit!”

After nodding in sympathetic understanding Nami turned to me, “And Natsuo, what’s yours?”

Oh crumbs, “Uhh...” can’t say reality shifting, or anything weird, or anything that would incriminate Robin… “Is older women an answer?” Nami’s unimpressed look proved it probably wasn’t, clearly wanting something juicer, “Fine. But I don’t really have anything super fun to share, just that the loud sex sounds of a quiet girl is very arousing.”

“I’ll take it,” The girl nodded, if I had to guess she was cooking something up in her mind with that info for whatever reason, “Thanks everyone. You’ve all passed the interview!”

Marguerite seemed to sigh in loud relief, apparently holding in some nervous tension she was able to release and relax now. Even as our original interviewer seemed to have his gripes with the outcome, “Oi! I wasn’t finis-!”

Nami pushed the growling Usopp back down, “As it’s only fair, do you guys wanna know my fetish? Well I’ll tell you, the cute pirate in front of you really likes… tsunderes.”

As a peruser of the arts (you’d be surprised what kinda books we’ve liberated from the Marines over the years), I was the only one who giggled lightly at the realisation of what Nami meant.

“What?” Usopp asked me, “What’s a tsundere?”

His girlfriend walked her fingers along his arm, “It’s someone who acts all harsh and angry towards sexy stuff, but on the inside they’re loving it.” She purred, practically whispering into his ear as he gulped at the stimulation, “Their reactions are always the best when you tease them… yet they still whine that they’re above all that hot stuff…”

“O-oi… I got an i-interview to do…” He mumbled with a red face, trying to ignore the cackles of Perona, then adding quietly, “I thought you had, like, a cum fetish?”

“A girl can have more than one kink, darling. Natuso here’s going to learn that quickly with Robin.”

Before I could process being added to the conversation there was a sound from my side, a fist hit a palm, “Oh, you two are a fetish thing.” said Perona like something had clicked in her mind, “I was wondering how someone like him could get someone like you.”

“Bite my clit, bitch princess.” retorted Nami instantly, not even looking at the pinknette as she continued to tease Usopp with her fingers. “I have no beef with you, and I’ll be punishing Usopp for his rude behaviour towards you, but if you start something with my guy then we’ll be having words in the form of lightning bolts, capiche?”

Perona huffed once more, annoyed at all the hostility towards her but appreciating the so-called ‘punishment’ that Usopp was suddenly scared of, “As long as he doesn’t start shit first then I don’t plan on doing anything to him.”

“Good good, we both know who would win a sexy contest.”

“Yeah, we do.”

…

“Wanna do one anyway?”

“Yeah!” Perona beamed, quickly floating up from her chair excitedly, “What did you have in mind?”

“First one to steal a pair of all the guy’s underwear wins!”

“You’re on!”

The two bikini-clad beauties zoomed away from the table in different directions, followed quickly by Marguerite, who either thought this was part of the interview still or just wanted to be part of the fun. Either way I was still at the table with Usopp who just sighed into his hands. “Am I really a tsundere?”

It was certainly strange to see them all this happily perverse. Like, I’m to blame with my various noramlities, but they’re not upset about it. Just running between bedrooms with various pieces of cloth in their hands.

After a sympathetic pat on the back, Usopp moved his interview papers away from the table in turmoil. His complaints raised another question I hadn’t really thought about: Just how perverted were these girls now?