A familiar face

Reader found himself standing before a floating woman with gold shining hair and glowing halo.

“Yo…” said Reader.

The goddess totally lost her composure. “AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! You again!” She exclaimed while pointing her trembling finger at Reader who had totally reverted from being an old geezer to a tall, dark-haired, obnoxiously delinquent-looking young man.

“I know, right?” Reader said, “How many times is this now?”

“Six! This is the sixth time!” The goddess cried while flailing her arms up and down in frustration, “Stop it already! No one gets this many chances!”

“Oi, look here you cunt. It’s not like I’m doing this on purpose,” Reader said, “You’re the reincarnation goddess. Figure this shit out!”

“I’ve trieddddd! There’s nothing wrong with the system! It’s you! You’re the weird one!”

Reader sighed. “Man… I really liked my last life too.”

“Your last life?” The goddess asked, suddenly perking up, “I reincarnated you to earth, did I not?”

“Yeah, it was tots fun.”

“God dammit! Stop enjoying this! It’s supposed to be punishment for god sakes! PUNISHMENT!” The goddess exclaimed while tugging on her golden hair.

“Huh? How exactly was earth supposed to be a punishment?”

“You were a demon lord and magic freak in your previous reincarnation! That’s why I reincarnated you to earth where there are no demons and no magic!”

“Yeah, but earth is full of weaklings. Turns out all I needed were my wits and fists. I totally took over my city and ruled the streets from the safety of my own private mountain, y’know?”

“You…” the goddess started to say but seemed a loss for words. Her face started going beet red.

All of a sudden, there was a clap of thunder and a glowing door appeared. The door opened and a tall woman with even shinier hair and a way, wayyyy more glowier halo stepped out of the doorway. “Ah, I caught you just in time,” the new woman said to Reader.

“M-madam Orianne!” The goddess squeaked.

“This is him, isn’t it?” Orianne asked, “This is that corrupted soul of yours that keeps on coming back to be reincarnated, Hylea?”

“Ooooooooooh, someone’s in trouble…” Reader said and stuck his tongue out at the goddess, Hylea.

Hylea glared at Reader with intense hatred burning in her eyes.

“You there, stop picking on Hylea,” said Orianne, “I’ve been looking into your unique case, and have ultimately been tasked to get to the bottom of it. Will you cooperate with me?”

“I dun wanna,” Reader replied, “I got nothing to gain from helping you goddesses.”

“We are prepared to offer you full pardon and immunity for your past transgressions.”

“Hmmm. Interesting,” Reader said, “And do I get back all my confiscated powers?”

“Yes. That can be arranged,” Orianne replied quickly.

“M-maam! You can’t!” Hylea exclaimed.

“Be quiet Hylea. Fixing the system is more important.”

“Yeah Hylea. Why don’t you go make us some tea or something. The adults are talking,” Reader said.

“Gggggggrrrrr…” Hylea replied, clenching her teeth.

“Alright, what do I have to do?” Reader asked Orianne.

“For now, I would like you to answer some questions about your previous reincarnation cycles. Our historical data on you were corrupted, thus we were unable to perform any debugging checks. In your first life, before you’ve experienced any reincarnations, what world were you born in and what did you do?”

“Ah, my origin story, huh?” Reader asked and grinned. “I think my first world’s name was Durgia. I was a sage wizard and was in the hero’s party. We were going against the demon lord.”

“What is this hero’s and demon lord’s name?” Asked Orianne.

“Uhhhh, I don’t remember.”

“Fine. What happened in your first life?”

“The hero got knocked out during the final battle and I delivered the final blow on the demon lord. But before I could finish it off, the demon lord presented me with an offer that I couldn’t refuse,” Reader said.

“I see. What was the offer?”

“The demon lord offered to give me all his power as long as I would punish the hero in its stead. He was a spiteful fella.”

“And?”

“I accepted the offer, subjugated the hero party, tamed all the female members with my dick and gave the hero a front row seat of me pounding his love interest to heaven and back. Oh yeah, and I kinda ushered in the age of darkness after that,” Reader replied.

“Monster…” Hylea muttered.

“Hmmm, alright,” Orianne said, “How did you die?”

“Heart attack. Too much sex. A mage’s body isn’t built for that much strain, you know?”

“I s-see… That’s when you first got reincarnated?”

“Oh yeah, that’s when Hylea and I first met. It was love at first sight on her part,” said Reader.

“W-wha??! What are you saying!? Shutupppp!” Hylea replied.

“So what were you reincarnated as?” Asked Orianne.

“Believe it or not, a motherfucking cosmic dragon,” Reader replied.

“Well, that’s… not supposed to happen,” Orianne said, glancing at Hylea.

Hylea looked down at her feet and fidgeted nervously, “I-I dunno how that could have…”

“It’s likely not your fault, Hylea,” Orianne said, “There are no options on your interface to reincarnate souls into cosmic dragons. It’s likely a bug. One that we will endeavor to fix.”

Hylea looked relieved.

Orianne turned back to Reader, “So what happened next?”

“Hmmm, let’s see. I took on human form, became a powerful sorcerer, fucked around a little bit in the human realms. Then a king got mad when I banged both his queen and his daughter so they declared me a dark lord. And I was like, ‘come at me bruh!’ And then there was like, war and shit. After like 500 years, a hero popped up and did his little song and dance and gathered some comrades to face off against me. They attacked my dark tower. We traded barbs. I cheated and caught them in a trap instead of facing them head on. Then I tamed all the female members of his party with my big dragon dick.”

Orianne rolled her eyes.

Reader continued, “After that I did the usual. Tied up the bitch-ass hero and banged his female comrades in front of him. And then I finished conquering the human realms and banged the hero’s fiance, mother, and sister in front of him too. After that I ushered in the age of darkness.”

“Right…” Orianne replied, “And how did you die? Was it…”

“Yeah, too much sex again. Fuck it was too much even for a dragon’s heart. It was the elves man! The freaking elven babes, those sultry temptresses!”

“Spare me the details,” Orianne said, “At this point, you got reincarnated the second time?”

“Oh yeah. Hylea was so fucking pissed with me that she reincarnated me into a body of a normal man the second time round. I think the world’s name was Rekka? Mekka? Something along those lines. Anyway, I didn’t have magic power this time, and to punish me for my past sexual transgressions, I was put into some monastery for chaste monks. I dunno how, maybe it was because I kept channeling my sexual frustrations into cultivating my inner self, but by age 17 I obtained ultimate enlightenment through meditation and transcended my physical limits and all that.”

“Hmmmm. Interesting,” Orianne said.

“Long story short, I became an ascendent champion warrior-monk. And as a conquerer warlord, I subjugated the rest of the world. Oh yeah, I also fucked the entire party of female heroines who were sent after me. After that I ushered in the age of darkness.”

“And then died of too much sex again?”

“Hahaha. Not this time, but I almost did. Those heroines were wild man! They were totally down to fuck and suck 24/7! But nah, I choked on a prune seed and croaked.”

Orianne nodded. “Now tell me about your third reincarnation.”

“World name was Erthal. I ended up becoming an orphan in the streets of a big city. Started out as a street urchin, then a pickpocket, then a thief, then a rogue. Then I was inducted to be an assassin and a spy. Worked myself up from there and became the king of assassins and master of spies. I controlled the whole world from the shadows with my information network. I made kingdoms go to war with each other or collapsed their government and installed my puppets on their throne. I became known as the shadow king. In order to keep my existence a secret and to distract the masses, I set up a propaganda campaign to blame all the people’s woes on a ‘demon lord.’ Eventually, a hero appeared and wanted to actually challenge the demon lord. I couldn’t risk him uncovering my shadow empire, so I kidnapped his beloved princess and blamed it on the ‘demon lord.’ The hero then goes off on a quest to free his beloved. Meanwhile, I totally banged all his female friends and relatives back home. Totally made the princess my cocksleeve too. The hero never found the demon lord. Every time he gets to the bottom of one evil dungeon, I leave some jackass there to tell him that the princess is in another dungeon. After the hero finally died of exhaustion, I literally died of boredom.”

“My goodness. And your fourth reincarnation?”

“Pretty standard. Reborn as a nobleman’s kid who is a magic prodigy. Became Magic Overlord by the age of 16. Conquered the world by 18. Invaded heaven by 21 and totally made 6 goddesses my hoes.”

“Oh I heard about that, caused quite a stir.” Orianne replied.

“Yeah. A lot of gods and goddesses weren’t happy. Got into a bunch of fights with a couple of them which escalated into a war. Held my own for a while, but an alliance of 200 gods and goddesses finally managed to put me down.”

“I see,” Orianne said, “So that’s what happened in the Great Upstart War. This was when Hylea finally reincarnated you to earth?”

“Yes,” Reader replied and winked at Hylea. “To keep me out of trouble, she reincarnated me to a world without magic or heroes. It was okay I guess. Earth was a pretty modern world, so it was quite comfortable. I had a warm family and had a good upbringing. Schools were great. Everyone there were weaklings and would just do what I tell them to. I had just turned 18 and was in my senior year when this do-gooder named Hiro suddenly decided to stand up for his friend whom I was shaking down for money. So I stuffed him in a dumpster. Then two weeks later, I banged his girlfriend. Another two weeks later, Hiro’s girlfriend introduced me to his twin sister and we had a threesome. After a month of that, I got Hiro’s three older sisters sucking on deez nutz too.”

“Are you done?” Orianne asked, looking bored.

“No, there’s more. Fast forwards another couple of months, Hiro’s girlfriend and his sisters helped me get balls deep in his mom. Fast forwards another month and I added his two hot aunts, his childhood friend, his favorite teacher, and his best friend’s girlfriend to my harem.”

“Let’s skip your sex life and get to the end. How did you die this time?”

“Oh, I lived until I was old and grey then got a heart attack when I was mountain hiking,” Reader said sheepishly. “Happens to the best of us.”

Orianne nodded, “Very well, that’s all the information I need at this stage.”

“And your part of the bargain?”

Orianne sighed. “A deal is a deal. Your previous achievements shall be returned to you in your next reincarnation.”

“But, madammm…” Hylea groaned.

“Sweeeeeettt…” Reader said and grinned evilly.

Orianne continued, “In addition to that, I shall give you a choice. How would you like to be reincarnated this time? Bear in mind that this will be your very last reincarnation cycle.”