Things get weird…

“Hold up!” Wilbur Cairn exclaimed. The 18-year-old, dark-haired, blue-eyed, tall, strapping human youth scratched the back of his green-hooded head in bewilderment. “Let me get this straight,” he said. “So the Baron created three rings - let’s call them the elven, human, and dwarven rings - and gave them to the leaders of each race. But secretly, he had his own ring - let’s call it the Baron ring - which he used to control the other three rings?”

The sniveling wild hobbit who looked more like a shaved ape with horrifically rotted teeth nodded enthusiastically. “Yesssss. Yesss handsome one. That is true…”

Wilbur continued, “But all of this was a ploy all along, by a superior entity called the ‘Count’ who actually created several Baron rings and gave it to multiple Barons on different worlds, knowing that the Barons will do what they did. Because all along, the Count had the ‘Count ring,’ which would control all the other rings including the Baron rings?”

“That issss correctttt… human boy is smartsssss…”

“But this was actually a whole other plot by an even more powerful entity called the ‘Duke’ who gave many Counts the Count rings and sought to control all the Counts with its ‘Duke ring?’”

“That issss exactly ssso…”

“And it turns out the whole thing was actually schemed by this god-like entity called the ‘King’ who sought to control all the Dukes and those below them with his King-ring?”

“Corrrrect. Very devious… thisss King…”

“And to top it all off, it was all a master plan all along by an elder-god called the ‘Emperor’ who wanted to control everyone else with his Emperor-ring?”

“Yessss! Exactsly!” Said the smelly hobo hobbit.

Wilbur massaged his forehead. “And when the Baron got defeated, it blew the pyramid scheme wide open and all these other-worldly entities, the Barons, Counts, Dukes, Kings, and Emperor, discarded their rings and went to war with each other, ultimately destroying themselves in the process?”

“A great war it wasssss… terrible war…”

“And all these rings somehow ended up with you?” Wilbur asked with disbelief.

“No no. Me found the Baron’s ring first,” said the haggardly hobbit, “But when me wore it, me can hears the other ringsss call out to me. For a thousands yearsss, me walks the world, until me hasss found every ringsss.”

“Uhuh. Rightttt,” Wilbur said, “And that’s when you brought the rings together and they somehow dissolved and combined into a single ring?”

“The ONE TRUE RING! My preciouzzzzz,” hissed the twisted, ugly, slimy hobbit.

“And to be clear, you’ve lived more than a thousand years and you’ve spent every day since, cooped up in that cave over there, eating raw fish and slugs, doing nothing else but polishing and admiring your ring?”

“My preciousssssss…” the hobbit muttered and drooled from the side of his mouth.

Wilbur sighed, “Furthermore, instead of carrying the ring with you or, I dunno, even wearing it, you decided to bury it behind a rock every night before you go to sleep. And then a week ago, a troll came into your cave while you were sleeping, kicked you out and claimed the cave for its own. So now you’re stuck out here with the troll in there and you can’t get to your ring. Do I understand you correctly?”

“Yesssss! Preciselys! That isss where big strong human comes in. Go insside cave and fetch my precioussss!”

“Yeahhh…” Wilbur said, “Firstly, I’m pretty sure you dreamt up all that ring bullshit when you were getting high on cave mushrooms. Secondly, I really don’t think it’s worth risking a troll’s wrath for one lousy trinket. And thirdly, what in the world gave you the idea that I give a rat’s ass about your problems?”

“B-b-but… yousss is ranger of Lorndyr,” the hobbit stammered as he pointed his bony finger at the star-shaped bronze amulet hanging from Wilbur’s neck. “Helpings the peoples of Lorndyr isss yous job!”

Wilbur rolled his eyes. “Okay, firstly, I’m not a ranger yet. I’m just a novice. I’m hoping to be made a journeyman soon, but it’s complicated right now. Secondly, you don’t at all look like a citizen of Lorndyr, what with you living butt-naked in a cave and all. When was the last time you paid your taxes?”

“What izzz taxes?” The pathetic hobbit asked.

“Yeah, I thought so,” Wilbur replied, “Look, I sympathize with you losing your cave and all, but you would probably be better off looking for someplace else to live. Maybe just dig yourself a hole and crawl into it or something, I don’t know, isn’t that what hobbits do?”

“Me dont cares about cave! Me wants my precioussss!”

“And I want my precious hour of morning back. Gods damn it! I can't believe I got talked into following a naked hobbit into the woods! What the fuck was I thinking?” Wilbur muttered and shook his head as and turned around to leave.

“I knowss your typess,” the hobbit said and sneered. “You wantss shiny metal yesss? White metalsss? Yellow metalsss?”

Wilbur stopped dead in his tracks and looked back at the hobbit. “I’m listening…” he said.