Troubleshooting

“No, Elfie, you remain in bed. You have broken ribs for fuck’s sake. You do as Kate tells you and that’s that. If I have to, I will tie you to the...
“Oh, Kate... not now...”
“... I will tie you to the bed, Elfie.”

“Emma, the kids don’t need nurturing, they need to do something to take their minds off... whatever. Hunting for example, fishing, gathering forest fruits and so on...”

“You living piece of shit! Hitting your own wife! I should kill you on the spot, right here, right now! But for some reason I can’t fathom, your wife insists that you stay alive. But you will be separated. You will move out of the house and be stationed in this house here... So we can keep an eye on you. If you go into the direction of your wife’s house, I will personally... and with great pleasure... put a bullet in your head!”

“No, Mia, they don’t need to learn how to be a sniper, nor how they could launch a grenade. Keep it simple for now. Shoot, hide, shoot again and at moving targets. Everything else comes later...”

“Okay, Kylie, I’ll send in Kara with a few volunteers to strip the houses in the city you deem so interesting... No... Kate is busy... Of course you found some stuff for the Fun Box... Has it come to your mind we need also more blankets? Ah... yes, I’m sorry...”

“What do you mean, Tom, they simply died? Leaving their daughter behind? Radiation sickness? Ah... they saved their pills for the daughter... Good of them... Yes, after she comes by, add them to the group of new recruits, keep her busy...”

“I see it, Didier... The man left the house for food, in the middle of the fall-out weather. He got sick fairly quick, fell, broke his leg, radioed his wife, to rescue him. She did, stupid as she was, got sick too, dropped next to her husband and they died together... No, I don’t see the romantic side of it... Pompeo? Had the idiots left before the volcano was spewing the dust, they would still have lived for some time... Who lives next to a volcano anyway?”

“Come, Ambra, I see you need a hug... Yes, me too...”

“Well, Ella, that is some fine calculating... dividing the sectors into neatly overlapping zones, reaching all the way to Cunt.”

“Ah, Lina, how are you doing these days... Of course I know... Everyone knows... Like I can keep a secret with my girlfriends, are you kidding me? They probably knew even before me, but didn’t even tell me... What do you mean with ‘just the way it should be?’”

“I see that, Clara, they have come a long way from being noobs. Fine work... Yes... I can see their looks at me, they’re not subtle about it, even I can see that...”

“Just one recruit, Sophia? Fuck... Then again, with what they went through... No wonder they are too enraged or too sad... Right then, put her in the group of the other women we saved from... Let’s name them the Wonder Women Squad... A bad name? I thought... Right, fine, you name them then... The Ravens? Free as a bird...? Fine, whatever... Then you train her together with the Ravens for now... Another name for them as well? How about... O God, why do I even bother... Just tell me... the Falcons... right, very original... No, we’ll keep calling you the Orphans...”

“Why is she up, Kate? Wasn’t she supposed to be still in bed? Some light activity then for her... Now that is a challenge... Fine, I’ll take her with me on my walks...”

“Come, Elfie... You will walk... Just walk... No running, no lifting, no nothing... With me on my rounds... No, we haven’t seen your father, nor found him, nor heard any hunting activity in the area that wasn’t us. Patrols cover a wider area now, and the city is searched thoroughly from house to house.”

“Didier, I would have stayed anyway, with or without your kid. For Tom and Kate, the section, the orphans, the villagers... We had no way to go to anyway. The last we heard from France is that it was a boiling mess, good soldiers but bad citizens... And the nuclear fallout in Koln was too great a risk, along with the deserters or Russian armies left in the area. You have your responsibility now with Lina and the coming baby, how do you feel? Terrified you say? Good, just the way it should be, tell that to Lina...”

“No, Sophia, Elfie is not a recruit. She is merely a bystander on my rounds now. Light activity, Kate had ordered, and I am not the one questioning her orders... Are you? Yes, yes... a new reversal in roles... very funny, Sophia...”

“Ah, Kara, I haven’t heard or seen you in a while... You’re still stripping the houses in the city? No sign of her father? Fuck... I know... It must be bad... Leave the church closed for now, you can’t unsee that... Good...”

“Yeah, I can see that cow is dead now. I’m not blind. Why the hell did you shoot it? Food for your family? And the owner’s family then? And the villagers then? So you thought you could get away with it... shoot a lonely cow... the only one of the family to survive the radiation... No more milk, no more butter, no more cheese... All gone, because you were too fucking lazy to go hunting... No, mister, we will throw you in a hole for the time being... We’ll let the owners slaughter it, preserve it and let them choose to whom they want to give it. Pray that your family is amongst them...”

“Didier, make sure they are fed, will you, but he shouldn’t know that...”

“I know, Clara... They haven’t given up... I thought you would tell them my agenda is full... Clara, this white knight can handle only so much...”

“Ah, Kylie... I missed you... Nah, just for a tiny bit... Okay... for more than a bit... How are the village volunteers doing in F-city? Ah, you simply commanded them... Fine... I would listen too, if I were in their shoes...”

“Damnit, Ella, I had to run all this way up to the hill, with Elfie on my back? Is this your idea of a practical joke? No, you’re right, I wasn’t scared shitless this time... Come on, Elfie, on my back again... No, you will not...”

“Yes, Tom, she will be sad for a long time... But you’re here for her... And we are here for you... What do you mean, Maria is looking at you funny? Ask your girlfriend, Tom, I am not going to meddle in this, God knows how many problems I have with mine... No, best not to tell them that...”

“As usual, Sophia, oblivious as usual... Like I did with you...”

“Yes, Elfie, they are all my girlfriends... No, Ambra is not... I know she loves me, I love her too, but she had... well, what you have experienced with those men... but for years... There is hope for her, as well as for you and the other women... Not sure about the children though... Oh... You have hope for them... Good, at least one of us has...”

“Tom... Ask Kate or Kylie about it, do I look like an expert in women?”

“Elfie, who’s in charge here? Oh... Is that your way of giving me advice?”

“Kylie, please take this one over from me... She’s a pain in my ass... And not the good kind... Why not? Kate’s orders? Damnit, never any peace here...

“Ambra, I need a hug... Oh, thank you... They are beautiful flowers...”

“Job well done, Emma... Now, about this one... What? You too? Et tu Brute...”

“Uh-oh... Yes, Kara, it has been some time now... I hear the same from Sophia...”

“So no more injured, well fed again... Good... Oh, Kate, why are you forcing me to do this? Can’t you see she’s more than fine now? What do you mean, she has grown fond of me? Fine, in the name of healing then... No, I wasn’t grumbling again...”

“Didier, you have the same problem as me... And no, I haven’t found a solution for it, ask Tom about it, perhaps he can share you some wisdom... Oh, you did? And? Hmm... Let’s face it, Didier, we are outnumbered fifty to one, what are the odds of survival? Just consider it as a battle you know you are going to lose beforehand. I have learnt to pick my battles wisely... Very funny, Didier, I’ll be happy to see how you are going to fare...”

“Ha... Not this time, Ella, I left her behind at the slope... Oh, fuck! Is she never going to listen? Kate will kill me if she hears about this... Ella! Are you blackmailing me?”

“Excellent, Clara, my princess... Now, about... Oh, you already know what I was about to ask... Is this some kind of conspiracy here?”

“Fine, Elfie, I’ll train you, but for fuck sake, listen to me...”

“Hmm... Not bad, Elfie, not bad at all...”

“Right, Kylie, Kara, retreat from F-city, place a patrol... Fine, I won’t get into your hair... Get into where? Very dirty joke, Kylie... It wasn’t? Gulp...”

“Ah, Kate, about the falcons... Not my choice... What do you mean with: ‘Just the way it should be?’ Now, about them, train... Oh, you already started with that...”

“And is your girlfriend okay with that, Tom? Damn...”

“Wait, what Didier? Lina insisted? Oh... yes, your acne has been increasing a lot lately, I noticed... Ha, and you thought that would stop them...? Ts, ts, Didier, you should have known better... You could always try run and hide... Oh, you tried... I was just making a joke...”

“Fine... I’ll dig a bit... expand it... Again... Oh, no, my man-cave is for me, you promised...”

“Yes, Elfie, Kate is blushing a lot these days... What do you mean I should do something about it? Is that your way of giving me advice?”

“Fine, let him out of the hole... But tell him, if he does it again... Ah, you already told him... Good.”

“So he left? Just like that? How is she taking it? She’s looking funny at you too? Tom, you’re the sheriff now, deal with it...”

“Lina... For fuck’s sake, he’s only trying to nurture you... Men do that, it’s just the way it should be, when the baby is born, you will miss the times... Oh, you will persuade him... Poor Didier, never stood a chance... No, I’m not laughing with him...”

“Didier, you’re a lion... Oh, I already told you that one... It’s just a matter of timing, strike back then...”

“Yes, Emma, I’m a bit stressed lately... No, it will be just fine... Thank you for the offer...”

“My princess... Yes, Ambra has been growing some extra leaves, lately... I don’t know, when the timing’s right?”

“Ah, Didier, Tom... Thanks for helping with the digging... Yes, it is a form of stress release too, and a way to be far away from them... Do you understand me now?”

“I’ll send you to Didier for a while, or to Lina... God knows they need it, Elfie. Now, be a good girl, for once...”

“Yes, Sophia... but I’m just not feeling it... I have a headache today... Yes, probably tomorrow too...”

“Alright, Ambra... That was quite the hug... Yes, I dried the flowers in a book...”

“Still no sign of her father? Fuck, where the hell is he? I don’t know how she is doing, I sent her to Didier. Fine... I’ll visit her...”

“What do you mean, Didier, she listens to your every command? And is she fine? More than fine, you say? What’s that supposed to mean? Ah... Sorry, Didier, it seems she has grown on me, after all. But still, with her father missing... Oh, no, Didier, teach her the rest too... Fuck... Who’s in charge here? Just a rhetorical question... One of these days, I will be obsolete...”

“Still headaches, Sophia... Unless? So, it is a conspiracy...”

“Wait, Elfie... So Ambra told Clara who told Ella who told you to hug me? Well, tell Ella to tell Clara to tell Ambra that I thank her for that remote hug...”

“I know, Kylie, but Kate keeps pestering me about it... Can’t you do something about it? Oh... You already did... Don’t frown, Kylie, I know Elfie is growing fond of me... Yes, your conspiracy is working. She has grown on me.”

“Yes, Kara, she is beautiful... But with the horrors she has... and her missing father... I’m just not sure...”

“Eva and Maria together, Tom? Oh, boy...”

“No, Didier, it shouldn’t hurt the baby, but why the hell are you asking me? If Lina wants it, you want it, why ask me?”

“Winter is coming... Ah, you all noticed... and you started... Obsolete, that’s what I am...”