Worries.

It seems I shouldn’t have worried about Ambra not complying to the squad’s training. I observed her at times and got a daily report from Sophia:

“During the first lessons of checking traps, I asked Ambra if she wanted to take the dead rabbit out of the trap. You know what her response was?

“No.” I shrugged.

“Alex does. I do.”

She had observed me doing that, true. And many more daily tasks.

“I barely had to teach her how to skin it. So I asked her where she had learnt it. Do you know what she replied?”

“I have an inkling, but please continue.”

“I look Alex. I do.”

She learned through observation. Very well, it seems.

“During the start of a very light condition training, she never took a break. At the end she was very tired. I told her via Emma she could have taken a break. You know what she answered?”

“Something with the name Alex in it?”

Sophia nodded and said: “You want, Alex want, I do.”

“She knows I asked you to train her, from Emma’s translations.”

“Yes,” Sophia replied. “But she does it to obey you, without hesitation at all. Without protest nor reservation.”

“Hmm... Not sure I wanted her to do all the training without any hesitation at all. I did leave an opening to deny any orders in the conversation at the firepit.” I was thinking out loud.

“I thought so too. You leaving her opening to say no or even to go away...” Sophia was a bit silent after her own reply, but continued: “I said as much to her and her reply was?”

“Please tell.” I sighed heavily.

“Alex want, I do. Fast.”

“Hrm... Right then, I have a basic understanding of attachment, but this seems a bit out of control.”

“It isn’t for her, Alex.” Sophia replied softly. “It is the only thing she learned from her... abusers. It is the only way she knows how to please others. How to please you, most of all. Obedience without delay.”

“She will cross her own limits, or even my limits too fast. Even if it brings her pain, she will continue. You have to...”

“Don’t worry, Alex, we have thought of that. We lightened the physical schedule so she wouldn’t get exhausted.”

“Oh... Thank you very much, Sophia. You’re doing great.” I smiled at her.

“Thank you.” She replied a bit shyly. “But eh... the other part.. the part of obedience?”

“As long as you don’t go over certain limits, don’t worry about it, for now. She has to learn more about the language. English preferably. Then we will be able to talk to her, to let her understand the world, to let her understand her new world, with us. But be careful. At the moment she has no words for the **** in her past, to convey it to us. When she has, she will perhaps try to talk about it. And if she does talk, she could get very, very sad and very, very angry at times, sometimes out of the blue.”

“Are you sure?” Sophia asked me.

Hmm... Actually I am not. It is very difficult to predict the behavioral patterns after long time ****.

I sighed again. “I’m not sure. Far from it. But it is a possibility you must be aware of.”

“I will. Right then... back to work...” Sophia replied.

I had noticed there were a lot of things she wanted to say too, but she had restrained herself not to. I was getting the distinct feeling she was told not to do so. Instructed even. I didn’t have to look far to know the culprits, such as they were.

“Kylie? Have you been instructing Sophia how to approach me the best way?” I asked her, while Kara and Kate were standing by her.

She rolled her eyes up before she answered: “Of course we did. You told me that you found the two still attractive, that you still cared for them. You even forgave them, even if you thought there was nothing to forgive.”

“You forgive too easily...” Kara interceded.

“After what they had done, we talked to them. For quite a while. I instructed them to leave you alone.” Kylie said.

“But with the events of last week and so... We changed it up a bit. We had ****. So we asked them to be a lot more gentle with you, without hints of their attraction to you. Without hints to wanting to start a relation with you.” Kate continued.

“They still want that? After me...” I stuttered.

“After you what? Call it what you want, but they crossed your limits, they were reckless in their way of seducing you. We thought they would show at least some restraint. They were way too aggressive, didn’t think about anything except themselves at the time.” Kylie was getting angry at the thought.

“But...” I stammered.

“Just like you protect Ambra, like you protect us, we made a vow to protect you. You don’t realize it, Alex, but giving away your love so freely is dangerous at times. And some people will use that. Clara and Sophia may have not done it intentionally, but they did mess it up.” Kate said.

“But they now live here, very close by. And since we still care for them, like you do too, we had to make sure they wouldn’t repeat it. Yes, we instructed them how to approach you a lot more gentle and helpful. Because they still want a relationship with you. It is not because you thought you were having a bad reaction they wouldn’t want a relation anymore. They now know something more about you, that you too have limits. You too have lines, that cannot be crossed. Even if you don’t realize them sometimes. It makes you even more approachable, more human, more connectable to them. So of course they want to.” Kylie finished.

I scratched my head at that. “Not sure I understand all of this...”

“It’s like Louis and Clark Kent, aka Superman. They thought you were Superman at first. They loved you for it. But thought you were only Superman. To seduce you, they would need the big, aggressive way, they thought. It was like kryptonite. Now they see you as a real man, not some fantasy figure. A man in their world. Still acting like Superman...” Kara tried to explain. She knew I had watched all the movies, like she had.

“Very much so...” Kate murmured, slightly blushing.

“But in the end, Louis loved him that much more for it, because at least he wasn’t beyond normal approach.” Kara finished without bothering with Kate’s quiet interruption.

“Ah... and the normal approach would be?”

“Be gentle, be friendly, look for ways to help you, just like you approach each one of us. You know, the normal way.” Kylie responded.

I was getting a bit paranoid then.

“So Sophia only complied with my request, just to get closer?”

“Of course not. Well... not only. She cares for Ambra too. She cares for Ella too. Clara and Sophia both do. You know that. But they will do it just a little bit more motivated, because it was you that asked.”

“Ah... That’s good. Good.” I sighed out my relief. “Shouldn’t have doubted their care for Ambra.”

“It’s not bad to doubt once in a while. It’s how you figure things out.” Kate said.

During that day, I had a lot of worries. Ambra, her training and attitude, the strain on the squad, Sophia and Clara still wanting a relationship, even though at the moment I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted it anymore...

Perhaps later?

About Didier not telling me why he wanted to stay, even if he could leave with Lina. About Tom and Kate missing their mother. About the Russians, yes, those damned fuckers that had started the whole thing, they had lost their battles and would be dispersing into gangs, doing whatever they wanted. About the Chief Presidential Fucker still at large. About the need to protect the villages more, setting up reliable border posts, civilian patrols, making sure we didn’t deplete the hunting grounds...

I was sometimes lost in thought about how to get things done, that day. Sitting at times with my elbow on my knee, the hand massaging the bridge of my nose, or just supporting my chin, like the sculpture of the thinking man by Rodin. I almost didn’t notice it was getting late, I was so cooped up in my daily tasks, checking traps, fishing, going to the villages, hearing the reports, and so on.

So much to do, so little time.

I barely noticed Kara sitting close to me, when she started to talk to me:

“You know, we heard some of your worries. We know you have a lot more. But eh... Do you know what we are worrying about sometimes?”

“Eh... I am pretty sure you will tell me now.”

“That you need to relax just a tiny bit, so you would see, we have our needs too. No, we won’t **** you, but eh... All that visibly worrying by you, dampens the mood of the others. Of the section, of the squad, of even the reserved people, who don’t want to disturb you. Like Emma, or Ella, certainly not Ambra would want to. But their looks talk too. Ambra was even afraid she was doing something wrong. How did she say it again...”

“Alex sad, I sad, I wrong.” Ella approached me from the other side. “I had to explain to her she hadn’t done anything wrong, but that you were sad for things to come.”

“Sad for things to come... Yes... that is a very apt description of my worries.”

Ella was a bit stern, though still gentle. “We all have a past, I have, you have, all of us. You are a good commander just because you think ahead. But you can’t live in the future. You need to be in the now.”

“True...” I mused. “Very wise of you, again...”

“I know you don’t see me this way, but for the night, I suggest you listen to Kara, Kylie and Kate for a while. If you get the gist.” She said to me with eyebrows up high, smiling lightly.

“Oh...”

“Just for the good of the others...” Kara added, but I saw her eyes twinkling and I realized it wouldn’t be only for me, nor for the others.

“Alright then... Eh... Thank you for your... eh... advice, Ella.”

She just waved it away, turned and left for her watch duty.