Truth

I barely remember how I got through that night. I was panicking and at the same time remarkably calm in my actions after my despicable deed. I was sad, disgusted and angry at myself. Unphased and frantically searching for rationalizations for what I had done. My emotions went all over the place, starting from and ending in a void.

I dragged his corpse half a mile further into the woods and hastily covered it up with earth, rocks, dead branches and shrubs, until I was sure no one would see it at a first glance. I wondered why I did it. I could have woken up the others and told them of my crime. I could have gone to the officers. I could have left myself and run away. I did nothing of the sort. Instead I tried to cover it up as good as I could in the light of the crescent moon. I covered the blood on my sleeves with fresh dirt, cleansed my knife and covered the place of the crime with dirt and leaves. I puked my guts out. Even when there was nothing left to puke, I still did. I cried silently and pounded my head against a tree.

Dawn came way too soon that night. As well as I could, I washed my face and hands. I returned to the camp to wake up the others. I could not come up with answers as they would undoubtedly ask me where Kemal was. Giving everyone a soft shoulder tap to wake them up, I ordered them to break up camp. They didn’t ask why Kemal was not the one waking them up. They didn’t even ask why he wasn’t there to help breaking up the camp. Perhaps they thought he was still on watch duty. I was visibly tired with red rimmed eyes. I didn’t need to wake up Kylie. She was wide awake when I neared her, just sitting there, her sleeping bag discarded and looking in a strange way at me. I couldn’t figure out what she was thinking, but refrained myself of asking. I could barely look at her. I was disgusted at myself, feeling too guilty letting her witness up close a **** by her platoon leader. A man she probably used to think was a friendly, good natured, respectful older man. She must have felt utter disgust looking at me, coming back as if nothing happened. Forcing her to become an accomplice as I kept my silence and offered not a word about the whereabouts of Kemal.

When the last of the equipment was stuffed into the large backpacks an officer came up to me and counted my platoon members.

“Hmm”, he muttered. “One gone. Did he desert?” He asked me.

“Yes”, I answered pale and meekly. Desertion, of course, one of the main reasons, people would leave us, other than being shot by the enemy. And being killed by your own.

“Don’t fret about it, he is sadly not the only one. Don’t lose sleep over it next time.”

He must have seen my pale complexion, red rimmed eyes, but concluded it to be sleep deprivation and constant worry about my platoon, having had a desertion, one man less to help us trying to survive.

“You’ll lose more people along the way, I have to warn you. I am not a big fan about keeping people from the same village together. It will be a heavy burden to lose someone you have known for a long time. And with the women in the army, you can veto all you want, but relationships will be formed and cause great trouble, especially when loved ones are in danger. The same goes for siblings. Even worse. When one goes, the other is rendered worthless.”

“I hope to keep them safe”, I answered. As long as I don’t kill them myself.

“You can hope for the best, but plan for the worst, as the saying goes. The problem is that no one could be prepared for this war. We had peace for almost eighty years, no one remembers the time we had to fight for our survival. No one in this army is up to date with the latest tactics our enemy will try against us. Try to survive as best as you can, and run when needed. I perfectly can understand desertion. As long as you do it together and come back. When there is none of us to fight, they will wreak havoc on our loved ones home.”

Not exactly the hopeful words the platoon was longing for as they listened into the conversation I had with the officer. But perhaps just the words they needed to hear.

Everyone here has had their own reasons to enlist. During the war their motivations will be subject to change. Mine were shifting rapidly.