Epilogue: Maternity Crimes

"There's a pattern here I'm not seeing," Batgirl said, staring at the screen. "We've got signs of break-ins all around Metropolis...most of these would be below our radar. Prenatal vitamins, cribs, organic pickles, luxury ice cream...hardly any big-ticket items. But DNA from the crime scenes points to Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn."

Batman leaned over her shoulder. His eyes narrowed. "Where and when did these robberies begin?"

The redheaded caped crusader's fingers flew across the keyboard.

"Six weeks ago, a huge mattress was stolen and loaded into a truck. The truck was later found abandoned, all prints wiped. No witnesses, but we have video..."

Click click. A window popped up. Grainy, black and white. A dark-haired woman in tight pants and a jacket, too far away for facial recognition software...but the Dark Knight's eyes widened.

"I think I have an idea where to start," Batman said. "I'm headed to Metropolis."

"Honeys, I'm home!" Lois called out as she stepped into the new apartment—really, an old brick commercial building at the edge of the warehouse district. The place was definitely a fixer-upper, but after weeks of dealing with the plumbing, electricity, sewer, painting, and a hundred other things, the place was starting to feel like home.

Especially with her two sexy supervillain sluts on hand. It had been a long day at the Daily Planet, and the pregnant reporter was starving. She wanted nothing more than a bowl of Ivy's vegetarian curry and about half an hour of oral sex from Harley...

...which is not what was in the cards, when she saw Batman in their living room, sipping coffee from the good china cup.

"Uh...Hi Lois," Ivy said. The redhead was in cut-off-shorts and a midriff-bearing t-shirt on the couch. Harley was in pigtails, bound and gagged on the floor.

"Mhgh Lghbh," the Clown Princess of Crime said.

"Miss Lane," Batman growled. He sipped his coffee. "I'm sorry to intrude. I've been investigating a series of thefts..."

The reporter opened her mouth...and then she remembered the night she had come how to see Harley had set up cribs in the nursery, and then when she'd found all the prenatal vitamins in the cabinet, the little garden that Ivy had started on the roof...and she groaned.

"Oh you didn't," Lois winced. "Really Ives? I mean, I thought you two said you were going straight!"

"We are!" Ivy said. "I mean, mostly. It's not like we have jobs."

"So..." Batman said. "I take it Harleen and Lois are both pregnant?"

"Six weeks, if our math is right," the reporter slumped into a chair. "Tests came positive last week." Lois sighed. 'Look, about the vitamins and stuff...we'll give it back, pay whatever we have to, just don't send them back to Arkham Asylum, please."

Batman went to set his coffee cup down...then frowned, retrieved a bat-shaped coaster from his utility belt, and set it down on top of that.

"I wasn't planning on it. If you two are planning to give up crime...I know how employment can be difficult for those with a criminal record. Especially with the expenses you'll be experiencing soon." He steepled his fingers. "I can help with that."

"Wggghl?" Harley said, wriggling on the floor.

"WayneTech is working on a new line of products for pregnant women," he said. "They need models. Who will no doubt be given plenty of promotional products in addition to their salary."

"I have a job, thank you," Lois said. She poked Harley in the butt. "But if it'll keep Harles out of trouble..."

"As for Ivy..." he said. "Marijuana has been legalized in Metropolis. It's regulated...a felon can't be involved. But if a green-thumbed gardener showed up at the WayneTech growhouse with impeccable credentials and a new identity..."

He drew an envelope out from beneath his cape and laid it on the table. Ivy glanced at Lois, then reached over and opened it. Birth certificate. Metropolis ID. A checkbook. Even a passport.

"...that's it?" Ivy said. "You're not going to try and beat us up, or arrest us, send us to prison or anything like that?"

"That's it," Batman said as he stood up. "Be good. Stay out of trouble. I'll be keeping tabs on you, just to make sure your past doesn't come back to haunt you. As long as you can keep on the straight and narrow...I'll stay out of your lives."

He nodded to Lois, stepped over to a window...and then he was gone. Out into the night.

"Great Caesar's ghost," Lois said.

Ivy fingered the ID card. It even had her signature on it. "What do we do?"

Lois sighed. "Well, if you'll help me haul Harleen into the bedroom, I was thinking we could take turns licking her pussy until she eats through her gag.

The redheaded plant-woman gave a wicked smile.

"Mwgghgh!" Harleen said, as they lifted her up...but she wasn't struggling very hard.

In the alley, Batgirl was watching. The Dark Knight appeared at her shoulder.

"That went better than I expected," she said. "But the one thing I don't get: if Harley and Miss Lane are pregnant then who's the father?"

"You know how some plants are male and others are female?" Batman said.

"Yeah..."

"Some are both."

Batgirl's eyes went wide. "So Ivy's..."

"Got a new chance. A new family." He turned and headed toward where the Batmobile was parked.

Batgirl hesitated, before following...more than a little curious about the specifics. Then she heard the scream, muffled but unmistakable, of a woman...and she tensed, ready to burst through the window...when his heavy hand fell on her shoulder.

"Whatever's going on in there," he said. "It's consensual. None of our business."

Batgirl frowned. "Well, maybe one day I'll make it my business."

But not tonight.