Pre-transformation interviews

“Yes.” Liliane agreed slowly, thoughtfully “It is about giving the viewers what they want. So how about this for a compromise…. We let the viewers decide whether or not your companion should be sent home scott free. And whether or not you all should be rewarded or punished for this little act of defiance. Because if things were still on track Amora would have rescued you by now, and gone on to show you your rooms and do the initial transformations round. ”

The Soldier sprung to her feet “Wait! We were all going to get dunked with that mutative goo anyway? But we haven’t even competetd in any games yet! ”

“No goo.” the host assured her “That’s for eliminations only. It would have been just a few small changes to introduce the different themes - or paths - for each Companion. Mostly beneficial ones since they are supposed to be blessings from the Divine Choir. “ she hesitated then put a finger to her lips ” Spoiler alert, they are based on what you want in live, what you consider your greatest character flaw and your browser history. It was actually pretty tricky to find characters that meshed …. ”

“Yeah Ah’m sure it was real complicated. ” the Gunslinger cut in “ But Ah’m still tied to the traintracks here. Mind cutting me loose before ya tell us all how clever y’ are?” she still looked miserable but had apparently regained a bit of her old swagger. Jeff felt a pang of annoyance that she’d interrupted this peek behind the hosts mask, but if he’d been the one sitting under that vat he’d probably done the same.

“Right. Yes. I got off track there for a bit” The host gave a dismissive wave of her hand and the gunslinger appeared back in her original seat between Starchild and Student. Jeff could see some of the tension drain out of her as soon as she was a safe distance away from the bimbo-slime. Then she looked down. “Why am Ah still tied up?” she asked indignantly.

“Because I don’t like you.” The host replied with a smirk “And if you don’t play along once we go back live you’ll be back in that…. Yes what is it now?” one of the eyeballs had swooped down to hover beside her ear again. A moment later the demon queens head jerked upwards to look at the other hovering eyes with barely concealed panic “No, I didn’t see the red…. ” she hissed, before catching herself and continuing in an angry whisper.

Whatever answer she got didn’t sit well with her, because she looked like she’d bitten into a lemon for a few moments before she schooled her expression into a triumphant smirk “Mwahaha what a devilish idea my dear minion. It is decided then. ” the host spread her arms wide “If you wish to face the displeasure of the Dark Masters for the sake of your comrade stay by her side. If you prefer to wash your hands of this sordid business you may leave. There won’t be a harsher punishment for the remaining party if you do or any other consequences from my side. Even I am not cruel enough to expect ALL of you to suffer for the actions of a single fool. So as long as a single one stands by her she’ll get her chance at freedom. ”

The host turned her cape flaring dramatically “But my goodwill and patience have their limits, so don’t waste your window of opportunity. ” she said over her shoulder before dissolving into black smoke.

There was a long pause where everyone turned this newest development over in their heads.

The Starchild was the first to break the silence “ Drawing. Lots. Would. Probably. Be. The. Fairest. Option.”.

“No need. ” the Castaway offered “ I will do it. I….”

“No.” the Saint interjected “ It’s a sales tactic. Say a deal is only available for an unspecified amount of time and people are less likely to read the fineprint. ” “Yeah, a favorite of con artists ” The Soldier agreed “ and cops. Confess now or someone else might get the plea bargain. They want to see who of us is willing to sell the others out. ”

“We wouldn’t be selling anybody out. ” the Student protested “She volunteered.”

“Yes. And that probably took a lot of courage. ” Jeff said “ But I think if we use her as a lightning rod now, it sets a bad precedent for the next time something like this happens. ”

“That’s easy for you to say Hero.” The Student retorted sarcastically “You still have your….. your everything. This show is about putting a silver spoon up your ass.”

“Hey! “ the soldier wheeled on him ”Jeff didn’t ask for this fuckwit! So don’t you dare take this out on him! ”

oO And so it begins. Oo Jeff thought as he tried to get a calming word in before anybody said something they’d regret later. Sadly everyone else was also trying to add their fifty cents so the room quickly dissolved into barely coherent bickering .

finally Jeff decided to take a page from the Starchilds book and let out a piercing whistle. It did give him an opportunity to say his piece but also earned him a resentful glare from the Saint and Student. “ I’m not going to tell you what to do. ” Jeff began “ There is no right answer right now and we are on a time limit. If you want to go, go now before you resent the rest for running out the clock. ” he made sure not to let his eyes linger on anyone as he said this “ We’ll listen to the explanation later, when there is no ticking clock making everybody tetchy. ”

Nobody made a move, but nobody was slinging any more accusations either which was a definite improvement in Jeffs book.

Then – after a minute of sullen silence – the castaway dissolved into rose-colored smoke.

Castaways interview

Amora: Welcome, dear companion.

Castaway: so I am the first, huh?

Amora: Indeed. I sensed your mind was made up.

Castaway: Hmhm. What happens now?

Amora: I am just going to ask you a few simple questions, before the viewers decide your fate.

Castaway: Hmm. Ok.

Disclaimer: Partymembers are free to disclose as much or little information as they like, but will be penalized for telling the audience outright falsehoods.

Is there anything you’d like to tell the viewers about yourself?

Castaway: ….

Amora: You like videogames right?

Castaway: Yeah. But that’s not anything special.

Amora: I suppose not. I hear you and Jeff used to slay dragons together. That sounds exciting.

Castaway: We did. But that was years ago.

What is your biggest regret regarding Jeff?

Castaway: I… we used to be friends. Back in highschool. He was great. IS great. But I have never been good about staying in touch. He tried for a while. Called me up. Offered to take the train so we could hang out at my place like the good old days. But I didn’t want to bother him. Or couldn’t be bothered, I guess. And then one day it had been a year since we last talked. I guess he didn’t want to bother me either. So yeah. Guess I wish I’d been a better friend.

Amora: How about more than a friend?

Castaway: I don’t swing that way. And Jeff doesn’t either.

Please choose a transformation you would like as a reward for your selfless defence of a fellow party member. It will be up to the viewers whether or not you receive it.

Amora: Going by your last answer I can probably guess.

Castaway: ……..

Amora: Don’t worry you are allowed to say ‘dick’ on camera.

Castaway: No. I think I’m good.

Amora: really? But you said….

Castaway: I know. And maybe I’ll regret it, … actually I know I’ll regret it once a month. But I am a coward so I might as well run away from who I used to be instead of back towards my room. Packing on pounds while watching netflix.

Amora: Yeah. But there must be something you want, right?

Castaway: I am a coward. Change is scary. And I’m still figuring things out. So unless you have a magical cure for depression, I’m good.

Amora: That works.

Castaway: Wait. What?

Soldiers interview

Amora: Welcome:

Soldier: Fuck you.

Amora: There really is no need for this hostility. I just want to ask you a few questions.

Disclaimer: Partymembers are free to disclose as much or little information as they like, but will be penalized for telling the audience outright falsehoods.

Is there anything you’d like to tell the viewers about yourself?

Soldier: ….

Soldier: It isn’t fair!

Amora: What is?

Soldier: This was supposed to be my chance! But now he’s going to think I’m only flirting with him because there is a gun to my head. Threesomes aren’t really my thing, but… ok you can’t have everything. I’m not some possessive psycho. God! I almost kissed him! I would have looked like.. like….

Amora: I am not sure what that has to do with the question.

Soldier: I love Jeff. It’s not some teenage crush. Those barely last past highschool. And definitely not more than a decade. I mean it started as a crush. He used to tutor me when I was a brat. So there was no way we could actually be together, y’know. Not without him being a total creep. If he’d wanted to date me I would have lost all respect for him. I always knew it was this bittersweet starcrossed lovers thing. So I finished high school, finally moved away from my mom, got my degree and got myself a boyfriend who finds it hot when I call out another guys name during sex. He was a sweet guy, but it didn’t pan out.

What is your biggest regret regarding Jeff?

Soldier: Being a stupid brat. You know these movies where the boys spy on women on the bath, because boys will be boys. Well I got it into my head that if you like a boy it is kind of expected to sniff their underwear. Total disappointment by the way. And long story short, my mom found the underwear of a grown man lying around in the room of her fourteen year old daughter. I think that is why she kicked him out. He never even knew why. And I never told him. I told mom but she didn’t believe me. Because I was just a poor confused girl in need of therapy. So yeah, I regret ever being a stupid teenager. Like every other person I know.

Please choose a transformation you would like as a reward for your selfless defence of a fellow party member.

Soldier: I have been dreaming about a situation like this for years. But I didn’t really expect to ever actually love that time-travel wank fantasy is great. Nobody really does, right? So I figured experimenting a bit was the rational healthy choice. But now….. Look my boyfriend was a great guy. But he doesn’t remember me anyway. So just make me forget about him too. I mean it’s stupid but … I want Jeff to be my only one.

Amora: Reclaim virginity. Got it.

Starchilds interview

Amora: Greetings.

Starchild: Fuck. You.

Amora: I just want to ask you a few questions.

Starchild: *rude gesture*

Amora: I’ll take that as a yes.

Disclaimer: Partymembers are free to disclose as much or little information as they like, but will be penalized for telling the audience outright falsehoods.

Is there anything you’d like to tell the viewers about yourself?

Starchild: I. Am. An. Engineer. / I. Was. On. The. Track. Team. / I. Prefer. Cats. / I. Am. A. Private. Person.

What is your biggest regret regarding Jeff?

Starchild: I. Ran. A. Site. / An. Online. Campaign. / Crowsdagger. Jeffrey. Was. Good. / Good. With. Rules. / Good. With. People. / He. Eclipsed. Me. / Made. Me. Feel. Insecure. / I. Acted. Like. An. Ass / The. Game. Died.

Please choose a transformation you would like as a reward for your selfless defence of a fellow party member. It will be up to the viewers whether or not you receive it.

Starchild: A. Complete. Understanding. Of. The. Theories. Behind. All. The. Technologies. Used. In. This Show. / Or. Equivalanet. Magic. Theories.

Amora: …..

Starchild: Worth. A. Try.

Amoa: ….

Starchild: This. Thing.

*holds up boxy silver amulet*

Starchild: It. Is. A. Mockery. / I. Want. A. Voice. / A. Real. Voice.

Amora: I knew you would see reason.

Students Interview

Amora: Greetings.

Student: Fuck you.

Amora: Why do you always say that?

Student: Say what?

Amora: Never mind.

Disclaimer: Partymembers are free to disclose as much or little information as they like, but will be penalized for telling the audience outright falsehoods.

Is there anything you’d like to tell the viewers about yourself?

Student: Well I USED to be a volunteer firefighter. Before you dragged me to this freakshow, I mean. You kidnapped me in the middle of a rescue operation for fucks sake. It might not have been the most dramatic thing but there were still lives at stake.

Amora: And you were getting really winded, right?

Student: What?

Amora: Your air-tank was damaged.

Student: Bullshit. Those things get checked all way to Sunday.

Amora: And the guy who did the checking was completely overworked. It happens. Another minute or two and you would have needed rescue yourself.

Student: And that makes it all ok? I would have died anyway so you might as well make me dance for your amusement?

Amora: Do you have anything else you want to tell the viewers?

Student: ….

Amora: Moving on

What is your biggest regret regarding Jeff?

Student: Why don’t you do the big humiliating reveal yourself?

Amora: Please just answer in your own words.

Student: …

Student: Fine. I used to bully him. The big jock bullied the nerdy kid because he didn’t want to admit he liked staring at his ass. There is your soundbite. It was high school and I was basically a neanderthal. A neanderthal that wanted the cute, sporty new kid to join the team. But without saying anything that would make his buddies and immigrant parents looking at him funny. Mix in some misleading sarcasm and a few weeks later the team decides Jeff is capital U Uncool for playing with swords when he could be scoring on the field. And I played along, because I was an insecure jackass. It was such a bunch of pointless high-school drama. Totally pointless. Nobody really gives me crap about playing for both teams. Nobody I care about anyway. People get weird about it, but the world didn’t end. But I bet you’ll edit that part out anyway.

Please choose a transformation you would like as a reward for your selfless defence of a fellow party member. It will be up to the viewers whether or not you receive it.

Student: I want my dick back. Wait. You’d probably hand it to me in a pickle-jar or something. I don’t want to be a chick.

Amora: Really after what you just said…

Student: I like being a big macho dude. Spartans were big beefy guys who liked the taste of dick. I want to be that, not some weeb bait.

Princess interview

Amora: Hello.

Princess: Hello. Is this part of the broadcast?

Amora: It is.

Disclaimer: Partymembers are free to disclose as much or little information as they like, but will be penalized for telling the audience outright falsehoods.

Is there anything you’d like to tell the viewers about yourself?

Princess: My family has long been the biggest fish in a very small pond. I did not exactly grow up in the lap of luxury but growing up my relatives had some cash to blow on more extravagant hobbies. Like antiques. My grandmother loved those. I always liked to work with my hands, and while other boys my age were restoring cars I fiddled with old furniture my grandmother had sniped at some auction or another. It was a nice break from preparing to go into Finance and take over the family business. It’s also how I met my first wife. I met her at a yardsale, and romance followed. She was the one who convinced me to jump from white collar accounting to blue collar restoration. That decision was the cause of a LOT of family drama. But I took the risk and as the saying goes: Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life. Well that has been mostly true for me, but the last few years have been hard on the business.

What is your biggest regret regarding Jeff?

Princess: I took a gamble to save my business, but Jeff was the one who paid the price.

Amora: That is all?

Princess: I will say that would have tried to make amends, but you snatched me up before I had the opportunity. But I want to leave some mystery to keep the viewers hooked.

Please choose a transformation you would like as a reward for your selfless defence of a fellow party member. It will be up to the viewers whether or not you receive it.

Princess: Well that ‘Basic Necessities’ thing is nice. But I’d prefer the full package. Being able to do proper make-up and a good eye for fashion. And walking in heels. I almost twisted my ankle waking down those stairs.

Amora: That is.. not the direction I expected you’d go.

Princess: And honestly it is not the direction I want to go. But you don’t run a business as long as I have without knowing when to fold. I don’t belief the viewers want to see two guys kissing, so asking for my little friends back is a fools errand. At my age I didn’t get much use out of it anyway. And thirty years off my back are nothing to sneeze at, honestly. But if I have to pee sitting down, I’d rather have the option to doll myself up and never need it than the other way round. I saw my sister learn that lesson the hard way, growing up. Great girl, but she couldn’t look respectable to save her life.

Saints interview

Saint: when can I speak to the Ethics Committee?

Amora. Hello. And the form has already been brought to your room. Along with a comprehensive guide to the season. You are free to write your letter as soon as you have answered a few short questions.

Disclaimer: Partymembers are free to disclose as much or little information as they like, but will be penalized for telling the audience outright falsehoods.

Is there anything you’d like to tell the viewers about yourself?

Saint: I know the line is somewhat cliché, but I have a family. A husband and daughter, you took me away from without even giving me the chance to say goodbye. All to play some sick game about submitting to the man who tried to seduce my daughter.

Amora: That is a lie and you know it. Consider this your first strike.

Saint: I wasn’t lying! I bet all these practice session in the yard were just an excuse to show off! I don’t even want to think about what he did when he was supposed to be tutoring Bianca in her room.

Amora: Technically another lie.

Saint: Of course you would say that! You were the ones who kidnapped us to become sex slaves! Of course you-

Amora: I am going to stop you here, for your own benefit. The lie detector is mostly based on your knowledge. And whether you admit it or not, you are harbouring serious doubts if Jeffreys actually had any nefarious designs on your daughter. Consequently you very much DO want to know what happened between them behind closed doors. I know the second lie was just a figure of speech, so I won’t penalize you for it. You are free to dissemble as much as you like outside these interviews, but please choose your words more carefully when directly addressing the Divine Choir and Dark Masters.

Amora: Is there something you wish to add or reprhrase?

Saint. Don’t you think it is cruel to kidnap a married woman to cheat on her husband with a guy like Jeffrey?

Amora: Do you?

Saint:…..

Amora: Moving on then.

What is your biggest regret regarding Jeff?

Saint: I can take the Fifth. Right?

Amora: The fifth? Right. American law. Yes. Yes, you can if you prefer.

Please choose a transformation you would like as a reward for your selfless defence of a fellow party member. It will be up to the viewers whether or not you receive it.

Saint: If I have to be here, could you at least do something about those ridiculous things? None of the other women look like they are smuggling watermelons under their shirt.

Amora: That is a surprisingly modest request.

Saint: Well I don’t appreciate looking like some juvenile fantasy. It’s disgusting.

Amora: You have been warned. If it is any consolation the audience almost never votes in favour of small boobs anyway.

Gunslingers Interview

Amora: Greetings Companion

Gunslinger: Huh? Uhhhh …..Where am Ah? Are y’ really letting me go?

Amora: We will put your fate in the hands of the gods. I have prepared a few questions to help the Celestial Choir and Dark Masters reach a decision on whether to overlook your transgression or let you wander off to fields unknown.

Is there anything you’d like to tell the viewers about yourself?

Gunslinger: Welll…. Ah’ve been practicing mixed martial arts for a while. Got quite good at that. But Ah don’t think Ah’ll get much use of them here. Ma dad started me on tae kwon do during my childhood in Japanese territory so I’d be less…. Ah think the word’s rambunctious. Anyway Ah’ve been visting one dojo or another ever since. At some of them Ah even get t’ teach a bit. Help kids bleed off a bit of energy while feeling like an action star. It’s fun. Most of the time. Some students are just a pain in the ass.

What is your biggest regret regarding Jeff?

Gunslinger: Ah don’t even know that guy well enough to have any real regrets. I met him at a work thing and there wasn’t really any time to develop any real bonds. He seems like a fun guy. So what Ah’m trying to say is…. Ah guess it would have been nice to get a drink with the guy he used to be before this show warped the Master into something else.

Amora: Thank you, for your honesty.