Porkum Uses It To Reed Richards

"Uh...uh...oh fuck, you're so much bigger than my husband!"

The sounds of Sue Storm's voice came out tinnily from the small speakers of the portable DVD player. Reed Richards' eyes were fixed on the screen. As a scientist, he was trained to trust his senses. He watched the video, noted the timestamp, hoped for any clue that this was faked in any way.

He saw none.

"That copy is yours to keep. You'll want to confirm that it's real," Porkum said. The huge mutant was dressed into an oversized trenchcoat and fedora, and squeezed into a private booth at Zingers, the closest dive bar to the Baxter Building. When the mutant's message had reached him—a not unimpressive technical feat in and of itself—Richards had suspected a trap, either from one of his old enemies or some new one.

Yet he had risked the meeting.

"What do you want?" Reed asked.

"For now? To continue fucking your wife, for starters," Porkum smiled nastily. One great pink finger scratched at the tabletop. "And your silence and cooperation. I've got some plans for her. It would be—easier—on everyone involved if you turned a blind eye. You can do that, can't you? Save her reputation. Your reputation. Keep your marriage strong."

Reed blanched. With a thought, he could suffocate the pig-man in a wave of elastic flesh. Or wrap his body around him like a boa constrictor and squeeze until his bones broke and his liquified innards oozed out either end. A single finger could push its way through a nostril and into Porkum's brain, to lobotomize him.

"Naturally, if anything happens to me, the recording goes public," Porkum said coolly. His dark eyes met Reed Richard's own. He was gambling against one of the smartest men in the world—but also, critically, one of the biggest cuckolds in the world too.

"Think of it this way," Porkum said, and spread his hands in a gesture of magnanimity. "You're really not doing much that you haven't already been doing. We've been fucking for weeks. You haven't even noticed. All I'm looking to do is...maintain the status quo. Sue's happy. Your family is happy. That's important, right? What a man is supposed to do, keep his wife and family happy."

The set of Reed Richard's shoulders, the look in his eyes, was still shock. Anger warred with reason. Porkum's excuse gave Mister Fantastic something to lock onto.

"In a way," Porkum said, his voice dropped low. "You're doing this because you love her. You want what's best for your wife. Man to man, I thought you'd understand and appreciate that. I want to avoid any unnecessary unpleasantness. Let the affair run its course. It's purely physical, after all. Just sex. She fucks me, but she goes home to you, to be with the ones she loves."

Reed's jaws worked. Porkum maintained his grin. No need to mention the pheromones, the defraudium, or anything else. In the realm of emotional intelligence, Reed Richards was entirely unschooled.

"After all, you wouldn't consider it cheating on her if you masturbated, would you? That's a purely physical act of self-enjoyment. Health, even. These little meet-ups are no different. I'm just seeing to her needs. You can't blame me for being her...dildo."

A dead silence filled the air. Only the raspy moans of the Invisible Woman that came from the tiny speakers, too soft for anyone around them to hear. Porkum studied Mister Fantastic's face.

"It would be unfortunate if we couldn't come to an agreement," Porkum said softly. "Avoid the kids finding out about what mommy's been up to. The media can be absolutely vicious about such things. Surely we can do that, can't we Dr. Richards? Handle this like real men, between ourselves?"

Something glimmered, deep in Reed Richard's eyes. Some decision reached. He stretched out one finger to turn off the DVD player and close the lid.

"I will investigate this," Mister Fantastic said quietly. "If you're lying to me, I will end you. There is nowhere in this or any other universe where you can hide. If it's real...I can...look the other way."

Porkum's smile was frozen in place. There was a moment, when Richards talked about ending him, that he had sensed the man's killer intent. Yet the tone had shifted to resignation.

"Of course, Dr. Richards," Porkum said. "I'm glad we could come to an understanding. I'll do my part to keep things quiet."

Porkum stood, shuffled out of the booth, and left. The man he left behind had something broken inside of him. Which had been Doom and Porkum's plan, all along. To find the Fantastic Four's weakness and exploit it. Now, it remained to be seen how it would crack.