On the Transport of Elves

On the Transport of Elves

Once the bureaucrats and politicians had settled the import of Elves from the refugee camps to their new places throughout Vanheim, there was the matter of how best to transport them. While traditional methods were used for an initial wave, a long-term solution was needed in order to facilitate the movement and prevent the loss or damage of property during transit. It was this need that an informal committee of stakeholders met in the weeks after Rozrihc signed the Indenture Proclamation. In the end, a goblin, Mise Gratz Vaz, came up with the basis on which almost all transport of elves is now conducted.

Firstly is the binding of the elf. Her arms are pulled behind her back and secured within a cloth sleeve such that her elbows and wrists are held together. Next, her calves are bound to her thighs, and a blindfold is placed over her eyes. While the blindfold is not strictly necessary, it is seen as a natural way to reinforce the elf's natural station as property.

Next, the elf's nostrils are plugged, and a hollow gag is secured within her mouth. She is then fitted to the crate, which should be sized so that her buttocks should press against the rear and her hips and shoulders snug against the sides. The goal is to allow the minimum possible movement. Minimal padding should be included under her knees and at her hips and shoulders to prevent damage to the property. Some room should be left at the front, and she should be firmly secured in place such that she does not move about no matter how the crate is tossed.

A hose should be attached to her gag and fitted to a hole in the crate's exterior, allowing for feeding, watering, and breathing. A plug is typically fitted to the hole in the crate's exterior, restricting how much air can pass through it to the level where the elf can barely maintain consciousness. Those transporting the crate are advised to warn the elf that she is to be watered or fed before adding the substances to the hose. Feeding is to be a watery porridge no more often than every third day to prevent the need to dispose of waste. Watering is to be daily, supplemented by the use of the crated elf as a urinal by handlers as appropriate. For particularly long trips, the elf should be catheterized and the outflow secured to her breathing tube to prevent the need for cleaning.

So secured, the elf can be transported relatively cheaply for extended durations with minimal allowances. The current record is a five-and-a-half-week journey from Wyldsong keep to Irymin, with the elf in question apparently weak but still alive at the journey's end. Elves may also be crated for storage, for instance, during the renovation of their place of employment. Such crates are often placed such that workers rebuilding their homes may use them as urinals for convenience. The crate has the additional benefit of leaving the dehydrated and malnourished elf suggestible on release, which can aid in acclimating to the duties expected of them in their new role.

While some have questioned the practice as inhumane, I've found it to be one of the kindest and most efficient ways to indoctrinate elves to their place within Vanheim, with a week or two in a crate each year a prerequisite for keeping the silly creatures on their best behavior.

-Lord Vezrihc III, Marshall of Property and Ledgers