Obligatory Ad Read

If you’re like me, you’ve had about 40 jobs over the last 30 years, you are rudderless; adrift on the sea of life with no hope of finding yourself. Of course you’re not like me. You have a stable life, and probably a social life. You might even have kids that you exploit for click money on YouTube or TikTok. If that’s the case then you need a website. Everyone needs a website. Go hire a fucking web designer for fuck’s sake! SquareSpace let’s anyone design their own website easily, but if you actually have a real life, ain’t nobody got time for that. Support a local contractor instead of funneling money into some guy from Michigan’s pocket. Fuck SquareSpace.

Whether you’re standing on a stage in a dingy big top tent bilking rubes out of their money with cold reads, or engaged in a **** deal with Armenians on an international airport concourse, you need socks. You need Bombas socks. Bombas socks are pseudoscientificly designed to allegedly be the most comfortable sock you’ve ever worn. And for every pair you purchase, they donate a pair to charity. They’ve already donated over 2 million pairs. At a retail price of $12.50 per pair. For socks. Do the fucking math. And remember that that 14 and a half million dollars “worth” of donations is a tax write off. These people are printing money.

Going to the post office sucks big hard donkey dick; aside from the lines and all that shit there’s a chance some burnt out worker may come in and spray the place down with an Uzi. So you could sign up with stamps dot com, get a postage meter, prepay all your postage, and still have to drive to the fucking post office to send your Etsy serial killer beard hair samplers, and pay $18/month for the privilege of doing so. Or you could just get off your lazy ass and go to the FUCKING POST OFFICE AND SHOW SOME GODDAMN PATRIOTIC PRIDE IN ONE OF THE COUNTRY’S OLDEST AND PROUDEST FEDERAL INSTITUTIONS. Fucking Commie.

(Author’s Note: This chapter was inspired by WOE.BEGONE. One of the most fucked up podcasts I’ve ever had the pleasure to binge.)