No Grace

Turning from Terry I shuffle off down the highway then turn and cross the ditch to walk out into the middle of the rolling plains. There I dig a hole six feet deep, crawl into it, then die from shame. At least that is what I wanted to do as Terry’s bombshell leaves me nauseous and weak.

“She’s dead?”

“Yeah.” He says, pulling off his mitt as he sees the effect his words had on me. “Where did you even hear about Grace?”

“Cassidy mentioned her. But she didn’t… Ohhhh God!”

I cover my face as I replay the things I’d said to Mei. ‘Siblings.’ My own voice echoes in my mind. ‘They drive ya crazy but they’ll always be there for ya. They say it’s the longest relationship you’ll have in your life, for better or worse, right? Can’t live with them, can’t live without them, ya know?’

IDIOT!!!

I thought I was being clever. I thought I’d use my inside knowledge to gain an angle on getting some hard to get pussy. Instead, in my ignorance and arrogance, I had stepped directly onto a hornet’s nest. I’d found the weak spot in her armor alright…and I had driven a fucking sword right into it. Mei likely already had linked me to the pain of her sister’s memory given the fact I had intruded into her grief at the very sight of the untimely death but then I had to go and shine a great big spotlight on it by asking about if she had any siblings. I fucked up. Again. Trivial things I was good at, but anything really important, really real, I ALWAYS fucked it up sooner or later.

“I’m done.” I mutter into my hands. “I’m so done.”

“What’s going on, man?”

I look from my hands. “How did it happen? Grace.”

He shrugs. “Nobody really knows for sure. Except Mei, but she’s never said a word about it that I know of. It was ruled an accident. Don’t ask me what they were doing out at the trestle bridge. Makes no sense.”

“Mei was there?” I groan. This was getting worse by the second. “I think I’m going to throw up.”

Crossing the road he comes to stand next to me. Glancing left and right he leans in. “Some say it was Mei that pushed her.”

“You don’t believe that!”

“Me!?” He steps back, hands up. “No way! Just sayin, some folks believe it.”

“Well those ‘folks’ are assholes.” I turn and stagger back toward the motel without another word.

“Uh…see ya later then.” Terry says behind me.

I give him a feeble wave of acknowledgment then continue up to my room. Shuffling to the bed I topple straight down onto it like a falling tree. Again and again I replay the scene in my head. Each time I can hear the cloying pitch of my false charm as I tried to leverage an offhanded comment by Cassie into an opportunity to get laid. Squeezing my eyes shut I berate myself. Mei wasn’t a fucking puzzle or a fucking project. She was a human being! My heart shrivels as I see in my mind’s eye Mei turn back to me, her expression glacial once more. Behind that mask…the wounded woman I’d seen out on that accursed bridge.

“Hah!” I sit up and angrily shake my head. “Jesus Christ, dude. Get a hold of yourself! It was an honest mistake. I didn’t mean anything by it.” My father’s gravelly tone echoes from the past, the sounds of Ric’s whimpering sobs in the background. ‘I didn’t mean anything by it!’ “Fuck! FUCK!” I shake the memories away and focus back on the present, not that that was any relief. “Why am I making such a big deal about this? It’s just a girl. It’s just another girl.” Even as I tell myself to calm down my emotions swell. Getting up I begin to pace. “She’s just a girl. There are millions more out there.” I stop, my head dropping. Barely a whisper I say. “But none like her.” Maybe if I just apologized…and really talked to her… God! That sounded hard. It sounded real. And I was no good once things got real. I’d just make things worse. Face it, Dusty. You blew it. “It’s just a girl.” Flopping down into the room’s only chair I shake my head. “Why am I like this? What is wrong with me?”

After a time of swinging between castigating my stupidity and wallowing in my misery I find myself holding my phone, Mom’s contact on the screen with my thumb hovering over call. I take a long, deep breath…then touch the screen.

“Dusty?” Mom’s warm voice fills my ear, concern and curiosity laced through that single word as she wondered why I was calling again tonight.

“Hey Mum.” I say in a low voice.

There’s a short pause before she says. “What’s wrong, Dusty?”

I take another deep breath as I fight back the tears. “Nothin. I just…wanted to hear your voice.” Clearing the lump in my throat I say. “Guess I’m just homesick or something.”

Her tone softens. “You have been gone a long time now.” Behind her is the receding commentary of a replay of the latest Braves game as she moved to another room. “What’s wrong, shug? Are you in trouble?”

I pause just a second to savor the love and concern in my mother’s voice, taking one selfish moment to remind myself that I wasn’t alone out here, then say in a more upbeat voice. “Nothing. Really. No trouble. I was just missing you is all.” Mom had her hands full with Ric and Dad. She didn’t need my drama to add to her burden. I could handle it myself like I always did. Just hearing her voice was enough. “I’m okay.”

“Dusty Zane Radley.” She says sternly but lovingly. “Don’t you lie to your mother.”

With a chuckle and the phantom taste of soap on my tongue I say. “Listen, I’m not sure things are working out here in Halcyon. If you were thinking of making me up another one of those ‘care packages’ maybe hold off. I think I might push on to Rapid City after all.”

“Oh? You seemed to like Halcyon.”

“I did. But…it’s just another little town.” I say, sitting up taller to peer down the road to the lights of The Post. “Nothing going on around here.”

“Dusty.”

“Hm?”

“I don’t know what happened but give it some time.” She says. “That Barb sounded like a good boss. And you were talking about the baseball team letting you try out. Just give it a chance.”

I sigh, my insides twisting as I lie to my mother to stop her from worrying. “Sure, Mom. I’ll think about it.”

For a fuck up like me the best part of my tumbleweed existence is never having to stick around to deal with the mess I leave behind. Mei was just some small town eccentric girl who I barely even knew. My infatuation with her was ridiculous from the beginning and the ridiculous fantasies I’d been having about her was destined to end in disappointment. She should have just stayed my ultimate mystery woman. Everybody would have been happier.

Standing I slip into some sandals, The Hitching Post in my sights. “I’m going to get going, Mom. Got a girl waiting for me down at The Post.”

I could almost hear my mother’s eyes roll. “Of course you do.”

“Hey, um, thanks for talking, Mum.”

“I wish we could have talked more.” She says. “Take care of yourself, Dusty.”

“Always.”

“Dusty.”

“Mm?”

“It’s going to be okay. Okay?”

This stops me a moment before I could gather my words again. “Thanks, Mom. I love you.”

“Love you too, hun.”

After hanging up I pause to collect myself. Grabbing a couple of rubbers I then shake my head and head out into the Halcyon night.

***

The next morning finds me walking back to the motel nursing a mild hangover with the stink of beer, sweat, sex and regret clinging to my clothes. It had turned out that Cassidy’s sofa was every bit as springy as she promised, and DAMN had we put them to the test.

I am grateful to see the office still closed up when I stroll into the parking lot. If I was quick I could slip out of here before Barb was even up. I’d call her on the road. She’d understand. It sucked I wouldn’t get to say goodbye to Terry but…easy come, easy go. I’d find new friends where ever I ended up landing. I give my car a quick once over as I pass by. I stop as I notice a dark shape on the hood.

“The hell?”

Walking around it I find that it was a garbage bag. Somebody had deposited their trash on the hood of my car! Real classy, Halcyon. Talk about leaving a bad last impression. I go and snatch up the bag to discover it wasn’t a loose sack of trash but it had been taped into a tight bundle. Growing ever more curious I pick it up and wipe the morning dew from it’s surface. I tear the plastic open to reveal…a thick and familiar binder. Plastic leaves of cards filled the binder near to the point of bursting its rings.

On a pink sticky note on the cover in immaculately precise letters is a handwritten note: “You were right. I looked them up and these cards are worthless. They’re yours if you still want them. If not just throw them out. I don’t need more junk cluttering up my shop. M”.