No Control

No control over the world around me, so I compensated by overly exerting control over myself. Unable to accept the fact that there were things out of my control. Unable to actually get up the effort to try to effect anything outside of myself. **** for some measure of control over anything that I decided to turn it inward, fully ready to never let myself give an inch to anyone or anything.

For years I was unable to... get over myself. Never just relax into a situation and enjoy it. Never actually let someone else take the lead. Never let something else actually effect me.

Each time I got drunk. Each time I got high. Each and every time there was always a part of me pulling back on the reins and telling me that I shouldn't go too fast. Some **** rubberbanding on the pedal of my car that kept me from pushing it all the way down to the floor and seeing how fast I could go.

And I know it was all fear and I think I've been doing a damn good job of letting go of it. The simple fact that I haven't spent every last moment in this body searching for a way out or hiding away in a room covered by as many blankets as I can manage is really a testament to the fact that things have changed for me.

I don't want to say that I'm parting like the petals of a flower or anything, but I do think it's fair to say that I'm starting to grow.

Problem is that core part of me is still here and that core part of me still has at least a pinky finger on the wheel. And so there is still a sober voice in my head, no matter how quiet and no matter how small, saying that I'll regret just giving in.

It isn't right often. In fact, often, it's absolutely wrong. But this time it isn't.

Doors. It's all about doors. It's all about possibilities and the simple fact that kept me from giving in when he tried this before keeps me from doing it now.

I will get fucked, maybe soon. But not by Blake.

Because the moment I let him inside of me, to be the first inside of me, is the moment I signal that he has complete control over me. His personality may be broken but dammit he's got a strong enough one that he will completely dominate me.

No more Emily. No more freedom. No more seeing who I want and doing what I want. I will be beholden to this man and his whims and his orders.

And I just won't be able to say no.

I just don't have that in me.

Safety. I think it's really about that. Safety is the one thing that has been missing for me, the feeling like my partner could make me feel safe. Without their expectations or mine coloring this.

I don't know that anyone I've been with has really made me feel safe. Each seems to come into these encounters with their own expectations and it's like I have to bend myself into a pretzel to meet them.

Blake is wrong about me. I'm not a whore. I'm just a person. I'm just a woman and part of that is about me accepting my own sexuality and my own desires. Part of being me is accepting who I want to be, without judgment.

Blake isn't capable of that.

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