Next day at the hospital

The ringing of your alarm wakes you with a jerk. You hurry to turn it off. Why are you in bed? You remember feeling lost last night, pacing around the apartment. You must have lied down for a bit and fallen asleep. A pang of worry cut trough you. Is Alex okay? You haven't got a call from the hospital. Feelings of guilt weighs you down as you get out of bed. Why did you have to scream at him, what the fuck had that accomplished?

The bloody towel is still on the bathroom floor. You pick it up and put it in the hamper. You're gonna have to wash it later. You hurry up and get dressed. Panties, socks, t-shirt, hoodie, jeans... Why the fuck don't these jeans fit? You just bought them a few weeks ago. You struggle with the button, cursing at yourself while you do. Finally you manage to close them. You sigh, trying to calm yourself. You lift up your shirt and look down at your belly. "i am sorry." You whisper as you stroke your baby bump, the cause of your pants problem. "Mommy isn't mad at you. She is just scared." You apologies. You give a sniffle, you feel tears starting to form in your eyes. "Daddy might be hurt... and i am responsible." You say as you sit down on your living room couch. "But don't worry about it okay. You just sleep inside mommy." An emotional lump of fear and guilt lays heavy in your stomach. Weeping you caress your belly. "Mommy loves you. Mommy will always love you. I will make everything alright. So you just focus on growing big and happy inside mommies belly, okay? You have a few months to go now, and you are going to be so much bigger. And mommy will love you more and more the bigger you get." You sit there cradling your belly and talking to your unborn baby. Telling it how much you love it as you work trough your duress. You stop crying. Then finally you feel ready. "Lets go see daddy." You say as you stand up and grab your car keys.

A light autumn rain falls from the grey skies. Even tough you are wearing a jacket you are **** to increase the heat in the car. Maybe it's your changed gender or maybe it's your pregnancy, either way you have become a lot more sensitive to the cold. The weather doesn't help with your worry. Even tough you logically know it's ridiculous you can't help but feel like the foul weather is somehow a bad omen.

After getting lucky finding a parking spot you hurry inside the hospital. A drowsy clerk at the information desk helps you locate Alex. He has apparently been placed in one of the wards to which you are given directions. After a walk and an elevator ride that seems way to long you arrive. Walking into the ward you are struck by how quiet and empty everything feels. You had imagined a little more chaos, people and beeping machines or something. This just feels way to calm. Down the hallway you see another desk, behind which sits a man wearing scrubs reading on a computer and from time to time scribble something on a piece of paper.

You walk up to the man "Excuse me" You mumble. The man looks up and frowns "can i help you?" He asks in a thick Hispanic accent. "I am looking for my husband." You respond, feeling nervous. "Visiting hours start at 2 pm, comeback then." The man states and goes back to his screen. Despair grips your heart. Unable to control yourself you start crying. The man reacts almost immediately. "Wait, no, don't cry." He says. "I just want to know he is alright." You sob. "Whats going on here?" A lady also wearing scrubs suddenly approach you. "My husband collapsed last night and, and, and i don't know how he is. I, i, i, i..." You cry so hard the words stick in your throat. The lady puts a comforting arm around your shoulder. "What's your name dear?" She asks in a calm nursing voice. "J... Amy" You are **** to stop yourself. you nearly gave your old name, your male name. Thankfully the lady doesn't seem to notice. "And whats your husbands name Amy." She asks. "Alex" You manage to sob. "And what's his last name dear." She asks you. "Cunningham" You respond. "Alexander Cunningham?" The man asks. "Yes" you sniffle affirmative. "Room 14" The man says. "Can i see him" You ask. "Of course dear, but how about you sit down for a bit before you do?" The lady offers. You nod, you feel like a mess and need to calm down and collect yourself.

The man produces two chairs and the lady sits down opposing you, her hands gently placed on yours as she tries to console you. "You want to talk? She asks" Softly. "I didn't mean for this to happen." You sniffle. The lady smiles at you "Why don't you tell me what happened?" You sniffle. "I was just so mad at him you know? He isn't home at all. He's just at school and then immediately to work. He is out the door before dawn and only comes home for bed. I wanted him to be with me." You ramble. "So what did you do?" The lady asks. "I made him dinner." You mumble in response "I wanted to use it as a trap to yell at him, to make him feel guilty so that he wouldn't be away so much. I yelled at him for not eating and for not being home. I accused him of horrible things and, and, and then he started vomiting." You ramble on. "Then he fainted... int the bathroom and i didn't know what to do. I called an ambulance and the lady on the phone helped me but then he started shaking and he hit his head on the tiles so he started bleeding and i didn't know what to do. Then the ambulance came and he was gone." Your rambling cuts short. You feel better now after you vented. "Didn't you go with the ambulance?" The lady asks. "I was only wearing my nightgown and the paramedics said the didn't have time to wait for me to change." The lady gives you an understanding nod. "I just. I wanted to be there for him, i just did what the paramedics said and and tried to rest a little and i fell asleep. I should have been with him." You sob. " Amy? It's not your fault." The lady comforts. "You didn't cause your husband to have a seizure and shouldn't blame yourself, okay? Trust me i have been a nurse here for almost ten years and even though we don't know why he had a seizure i can assure you it wasn't because you yelled at him." The lady (nurse) says. "okay." you respond feeling better. "You want to go see him now?" She asks you softly. You nod, you feel ready now. "alright come on."

The nurse leads you into room 14. It's a square room with a hospital bed in it's center. The white walls contrast to the dark grey skies outside. The rains softly taps against the window. Alex lies in bed with his back to the door. A dressing covers the part of the back of his head. You walk around the bed. His face is pale and you can't help but feel like he has become gaunt. "Alex" You say softly and gently stroke his hair. He gives a grunt in response without waking. "He has been asleep almost ever since he came up from the emergency room. It's normal for people who have had seizures to be tired afterwards. It will pass. But i have to warn you. He might behave oddly when he comes to. The seizure might cause him to behave confused and even unreasonable. But don't worry if anything happens we are here. So if either of you need anything just press that red button and we will be with you as soon as we are able." The nurse explains before she leaves. There is an armchair in the room which you pull up so you can sit next to him. "I am here Alex." You say. Then you are **** to pause. You don't really know what to say. You continue gently stroking his head. "I am sorry for yelling at you." You lean in and softly kiss his forehead "I love you Alex."