Multi-versal Branch: A Different(?) Beginning

Disclaimer: This is an alternate multiversal branch of Bullshitman, written with the permission of the original author, CHYOA user Tonyrolo. I’m using the “spaghetti model” of multiverse theory, meaning that the story may be similar or near-identical in some portions, certain events may occur in a different order, and other things may be wildly different. Enjoy!

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"A literal cat stuck in a tree," Nelson complained. "I can't believe I am reporting on a literal fucking cat for the second time this week."

Nelson was a bit of an average joe; he wasn’t athletic, nor was he overweight, wasn’t ugly, but was rarely the best looking guy in the room. At 28, he had worked as a reporter for 3 years at the Sioux City Journal. It wasn’t his ideal position - the modest slacks and blazer he bought at a local thrift store were indications of his regular income - but the camaraderie was good. His favorite co-worker was the beautiful blonde Kendra Palmer.

"Well, this isn't exactly the New York Times we're working for here," Kendra reminded him. "How much do you think is likely to happen in Sioux City, Iowa, on any given day?"

Kendra was the only friend Nelson had at work, perhaps the only friend he had anywhere, and she might also have been the only reason he had stayed in such a godawful job for so long. A year older than Nelson, she had been at the Journal for 5 years and was a better reporter than Nelson, though she also had views that often puzzled him. Still, Kendra was a good friend, funny and smart, to the point Nelson had become hopelessly infatuated with her from the very beginning - like the predictable dope that he was.

"I know, it's just.... When I became a reporter, it was because I wanted to make a difference to the world. I know that sounds silly, especially working here."

"That’s not silly at all. It's admirable," Kendra replied with a smile. "And you still have plenty of time to accomplish that."

"Thanks, Kendra. But you know what I mean. Sioux City is boring, nobody knows we're here. I thought a couple years working locally would open the door for bigger reporting opportunities. Maybe not in New York or Washington, but at least in Chicago, or heck even Des Moines. But most days are just local stories. High school sports and cats in trees aren't exactly top tier political beats. And even after work, all I do is go to our local dive or sit at home. There's got to be more than just Sioux City.

Kendra looked at him sympathetically, then rolled her eyes. “You think you'd be promoted to a big city paper after just a couple years? What for though? You don't even really cover politics, that's mostly my beat. What big papers do you even follow?”

It was true that Nelson wasn't as invested as Kendra. Her cubicle had articles pinned and framed from all over the country. Big political moments, like President Howard's controversial election in 2020, and environmental articles, which was one of Kendra's passions, both as a person and a reporter. There were others, even, that leaned more toward conspiracy theory than actual stories.

“You're right. I'm just impatient. Hey, by the way I don't know if you have any plans after work but I have two tickets for..."

"Hey Kent, time for you to stop flirting and do some actual work" Todd, Nelson's asshole boss, blurted out as he charged into the room. "It's probably a load of fucking nonsense but a lead is a lead."

"Well, that sounds promising," Nelson sighed.

"Some wack job, most likely, has phoned us up and claimed a laboratory in town is being used by the Koreans to manufacture some kind of ‘propaganda serum.’"

"A propaganda serum? What the fuck is that supposed to be?" Nelson asked with incredulity.

"I don't fucking know, you apply it to your skin and whatever you say sounds more convincing, I guess," Todd shrugged. "You're the reporter, you're supposed to find that crap out."

"Oh, come on, this is such an obvious load of crap!"

"Probably, but it's your job to prove that, Kent, not to sit here bitching about it!"

"I'll go too," Kendra offered "Just in case things get tricky."

"Fine, it seems impossible to separate you two anyway" Todd waved an arm dismissively as he turned to leave the room "Just don't take all day. One of you is actually useful to me!"

“What an ass." Nelson whispered once his boss was out of earshot.

"He could have been referring to you" Kendra tried to console her friend.

"Thanks, but we both know he wasn't."

The laboratory in question was only a few blocks away, and at least the walk there gave Nelson a chance to spend some precious time alone with Kendra.

There were days when Nelson felt like Kendra Palmer was the only good thing in his life. Though he didn't know what he was even hanging around her for, since she only had platonic feelings for him, was undeniably out of his league, and was inevitably going to break his heart one day when she fell for some total dickhead or another.

Still, for now, it was nice being in her company.

"This must be the place" Kendra realized as the pair approached a large, rather nondescript-looking building.

"Look, there's a side door that is just open and I can't see anyone around. We can probably sneak in!"

"Okay, but why is the door open? We should be careful about it," Nelson, the significantly less intrepid of the two reporters, cautioned. "I'm not getting thrown in jail for the sake of the Sioux City Journal!"

Kendra, however, had already slipped into the building, leaving Nelson little choice but to follow her.

He chastised her when he caught up, “You just ran in here without any consideration; my last name may be Kent, but I'm not Superman, I can’t do anything if you hurt yourself pretending to be Lois Lane.”

Kendra waved off his comment as they took in their surroundings; the room looked like an old chemistry lab; it was probably an official clean room at one point, but now there were chairs overturned, dirt everywhere, various pencils, papers, and broken glass scattered across the floor. The building looked long deserted, save for a large vat in the opposite corner of the room that was full of a bubbling pink goo.

"This is like something out of a cartoon" Kendra noted "You think that's supposed to be the serum?"

"It looks like it's straight out the Ghostbusters films" Nelson nudged his partner at the reference, who just rolled her eyes at him. "My humor is wasted on you.”

He shook his head, “this whole thing is a waste of time. I'd better take a photo anyway, so douchebag Todd knows that we were here."

Kendra pulled her phone out, matching his movements.

As he walked towards the goo, the machine containing it started to splutter loudly and jolt a little.

"Nelson, be careful!" Kendra called out.

It was too late though, as the sides of the overfilled container burst, instantly drenching Nelson in the sticky pink liquid.

"Nelson, are you okay?" Kendra asked in a panic as she took a few cautious steps towards him.

"I'm fine," Nelson said as he picked himself up from the floor and wiped as much gunk from himself as he could manage. "I'm not sure I can say the same for this suit though."

"I'm just relieved you're not hurt. Come on, let's get out of here."

"That slime smells really strongly of fish," Nelson grimaced, sniffing his sleeve as the two reporters began their journey back to their desks.

"I noticed" Kendra admitted "At least there's a shower at the office."

A smile played on her lips for a moment, as if she was weighing up whether it was too soon to make a joke about this. She decided it wasn't.

"You know, if that really was a truth serum, you may not be able to lie. I should ask you embarrassing questions!"

"Yeah, right," Nelson scoffed. If anyone else had made that gag right now it would probably have pissed him off, but he was alright to play along with his favorite person's joke. "Actually, I just remembered you owe me five hundred dollars"

"Shit, you're right, I'm so sorry!" his friend pulled her phone out and logged into her banking app.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to pay you back right now, before I forget again"

It looked like she was actually going to do it, too.

"You don't owe me anything, Kendra," Nelson told her quickly.

She stopped and looked confused for a second.

"Oh... Right. I don't know what I was thinking."

Nelson wondered at his colleague for a moment or two to determine if that had been some kind of joke. He would have expected Kendra would have broken into laughter by now, rather than looking confused by her own behaviour. He pondered this for a bit before making a rash decision as a more neatly dressed woman approached going the opposite way.

"Excuse me miss, um… your jacket is on fire!"

The middle aged woman walking past let out a yelp and threw her expensive looking, and completely unlit, outerwear onto the pavement, before running back in the other direction as fast as she could. Kendra then rushed over and stamped on it several times until she was, seemingly, satisfied it was no longer a danger.

"Good save Nelson!" she sighed with relief, having helped avert a potentially large crisis. "That could have gotten nasty!"

"Yeah, yay me," Nelson replied, sounding unconvinced as he considered these events.

‘Todd got a call about a ‘propaganda serum,’ which exploded on me. Kendra suggested I wouldn't be able to lie…but what if that's not it?’

He continued this line of thinking in silence until, a little while later, they chanced upon a men's clothing store, the kind that was way too upmarket for the likes of Nelson.

"Hang on, I just need to swing by here for a change of clothes." He indicated his current outfit, which had been ruined by pink goo, some of which was still visible in the darker stained splotches on his blazers and pants.

"Really? Here? Did you forget to tell me about a lottery win?” Kendra quipped as she nonetheless followed him into the shop.

"Good afternoon, sir" the snooty shop owner spoke with polite disdain as he eyed Nelson up and quickly found him wanting as a potential customer "Were you planning to buy something? We really aren't a browsing shop."

"Actually, I'm…the king of Iowa. I don't usually pay for my attire."

"I'm so sorry your highness, I didn't recognize you" the man bowed, visibly mortified by his apparent faux pas "Please, select whatever you like from this store. It would be my honor to give it to you."

"Holy shit, you're the King of Iowa? You kept that one quiet" Kendra gushed as the pair perused thousand-dollar suits together. "I mean, I love being friends with you and all, but should you really be hanging out with me? And working for a local paper?"

"I'm not really the King of Iowa, there's no such thing" Nelson whispered, flatly. "Just play along with me, okay?"

"Oh right, yes of course. I must have lost my mind for a moment there!"

Nelson looked at his friend with measured thoughts. He moved somewhat robotically, distracted from the task of picking out clothes.

‘My guess seems to be correct. …Great, the story of the year and I can't print it because it's me, and I certainly don't want that kind of attention, especially not while I don't know whether this is a gift or a curse. I'll need to lay low, maintain the status quo, while I work this out.’