Meeting the Straw Hats Pt 1: The Captain

A/N: Thanks to Prof37 for helping with ideas for this and the next few chapters.

“Oh thank you merciful Poseidon.”

A certain blonde Straw Hat pirate was currently kissing the soapy ground of Sabaody Archipelago, a rapturous relief washing over him as he was finally off the ship he’d have in his nightmares. Soon he’d be with his crew, with his friends, and most importantly with Nami and Robin.

“Sanji-Kun.” Came a voice behind him, stopping his lewd thoughts of the two women. “I hope you know we would never have actually done anything you didn’t want to. We were just enjoying teasing you one last time before you ran away from us forever.”

The Okama looked down from their ship with hooded eyes. Some waving goodbye, but most just waiting to see what he had to say.

Sanji stood back up, lighting a cigarette and taking a long drag from it before looking at them. “Yeah yeah. I have my doubts but I guess nothing happened.” He sighed, “How about we leave it at thanks for everything and you all never speak to me again.”

“A manly goodbye? Well, we ladies don’t know much about that, but if that’s how it must be, so be it.” The main captain Okama of the ship nodded, “Perhaps we will all share a drink with you one day?”

The chef decided to just nod and walk off into the proverbial sunset. An exit from the ship with a level of style he hadn’t been expecting fro-

“We’ll keep your dress warm for you then! So long Sanji-Kyun!!!”

He spun around and slammed an angry foot into the ground. “I BURNED THAT SHITTY DRESS!! AND YOU ALL AGREED TO NEVER SPEAK OF IT! FUCK YOU FUCK OFF FUCK AARRRGHGHHH!!!”

And thusly Sanji ran as fast as his legs could carry him towards his ship. Hell was behind him, even if he could still hear it tittering in amusement. He didn’t need them now. He needed lady.

As I lay here, bruised and burnt in a teacup, a crater filled with robot smouldering away nearby, and the smiling childish grin of the child of the man who raised me, I couldn’t help but wonder how strange fate was.

“No. No, I’m good, thanks Luffy.”

He tilted his head at me with a lowered eyebrow, probably curious how I knew his name, “Hm? Are you an idiot? Why are you in a teacup if you don’t want to go fast?”

Before I could politely decline his offer of a faster fair ride, we were interrupted by a new voice. “Luffy~ <3!” Was the only warning the pirate got before he was abruptly tackled by a tall woman. He didn’t get knocked back far at all, only needing to step a few to catch her, but he still seemed a little overwhelmed by the sudden attention. “Oh Luffy! I knew you could defeat that thing! My husband is so~ strong~!” She cooed, stroking her face against his during the hug. “Would you like me to suck your dick as a reward now?”

“I said no, Hancock!” Luffy whined, pushing the woman off of him a little. “I wanna go back to the Sunny first!”

She pouted at him. “Aww~ then will I be allowed to?”

“I dunno, maybe if I feel like it.”

At this point I knew I’d also had a hand in creating this sudden power couple. What a seriously weird twist of the world that not only would the man I’m dreading to see show up, but Boa Hancock, one of my old celebrity crushes, showed up as well… oh, what, I’m not allowed to feel attracted to the literal sexiest woman in the world? What can I say, I’ve got a thing for dark haired beauties who could kick my ass. And though at this point my feelings for Robin far exceed any mild attraction to a Warlord of the Sea, she’s a hottie with a body and wearing basically nothing. I ain’t blind, people.

My final chance to escape this life was to slip out of the teacup and away from this all. But when I put weight on my ankle it roared in pain at me, and I stumbled to a kneel. Alerting Boa, who practically shattered my shoulder with a stabbing kick. Before I knew it I was skidding across the ground. She loomed over me and slammed her heel into my chest. The pain was fucking INTENSE, only mitigated by the particularly nice view right up her dangerously curvy bikini bod.

“Who are you who dares interrupt my time with my husband?!”

I choked out a barely audible response of ‘nobody’ and ‘I’m sorry’ but it somehow made her want to crush me quicker. If only I hadn’t ran the earring out of juice I might be able to do something, not that I could think of what to say as the air escaped my crushed lungs. Goddamn, **** really wanted a piece of my sorry ass this morning.

My heart kept beating however, the ruthless pirate husband had lifted his wife’s leg off of me and let me keep breathing another day.

“Hancock, don’t kill a guy just wanting to enjoy the teacups. He already got his fun interrupted when I blew up the robot!” He beamed down at me, I guess his way of trying to seem sympathetic? Or at least whatever version of mockery he was capable of. Probably accentuated when he scooped up my battered form and plopped me back into the ride.

Once more I was trapped in the casual spin of this sick metaphor… until Luffy’s arms stretched. An act I knew he was capable of, but was still rather disturbing to see with my own eyes. But what was even more disturbing was he was wrapping the arm around the teacup, longer and longer. “W-wait! I wanna get o-!”

“Gomu Gomu No… ROUNDABOUT!”

There was a horrible snap when he retracted his rubber. I don’t know if it was a sound he made or if it was one of my bones, there was too much blood in the back of my body to understand at all what was happening. I was glued to the seat, the centrifugal **** pushing me intensely against the cup. The world was a blur, nothing made sense, up was down, down was sideways, and my internal organs were rearranging themselves. So it’s quite understandable that I didn’t even realise my cup had taken flight away from the ride and launched itself from the lovey dovey pair.

“I can’t believe we actually made it.”

“Why?”

Perona shuddered in pent up rage. The relief she was off of that terrible tiny **** boat was enough to mitigate another fight with the green haired goon.

“Anyway.” She continued, “Do you remember where your ship was docked two years ago?”

“Mm. Grove 4.” said Zoro, walking off in the direction he believed to be correct. “Bye.”

“Yeah. See you la-WAIT! WHAT?!”

Zoro got about three steps away from his ex-crew mate before she landed her floating body in front of him.

“Hm? Did you want to thank me for getting us here or something?”

The ghost woman’s teeth were threatening to become dust at how hard she was grinding them. “You-! What-!? I-! THANK YOU?!?!”

“You’re welcome. Bye.”

The swordsman who had trained for two years then spent the next hour with his face in the ground, more depressed and filled with ghosts then he’d ever been before.

“Well why didn’t you tell me you knew Robin?”

“Guess it slipped my mind… -urp-” I droned before having to hold down another gulp of vomit. Luffy was currently carrying me back to his ship, my attempts at escape now probably for naught as the idea of a doctor checking my various injuries sounded fucking good. I was probably gaining a few more from the way this guy was carrying me, with my stomach on his shoulder like I was a recent hunted kill draping over him. Though, to be fair, the rubberness was a surprisingly comfy ride, even if the position still made me wanna hurl.

“No more throwing up on my husband!” Hancock barked from beside us, scowling at me with anger and perhaps jealousy? “Just be grateful that we checked up on your sorry excuse for a bag of man-meat!”

She’d been yelling at me for a while now so it was pretty easy to tune out. Somehow the idea of arguing back with a warlord of the sea sounded incredibly dumb for my soft fleshy body to handle. Especially since she wasn’t even walking beside us, instead riding along a huge fucking snake that was perfectly happy to carry the beauty while gliding along the soapy ground. It definitely increased the air of fear around her.

Luffy seemed to have the same idea to ignore her and just talked to me. “So how much has Robin changed? I can’t wait to see her and everyone! Has she come up with some more funny party tricks?!”

“Uhh, I think so. We haven’t really partied together, but she showed me some stuff over coffee.” I replied somewhat honestly. Truthfully she probably had developed more, but we didn’t really chat much in the beginning of the two years. Though her sudden desire to produce a random pussy for me to massage wherever I was definitely seemed like a ‘new’ addition to her kit.

“And how do you know her?” Hancock interrogated a little more forcefully, “What is you affiliation with my husband’s crew? Are you her rival? Partner in crime? Lackey? Hunter?”

Part of me wanted to tell Luffy I knew his dad… yet, being carried like this made me feel **** and confused. It didn’t seem like the right time to blurt it out, especially since, from the sounds of it, the two have yet to meet.

My ruminations were interrupted by an angry warlord’s snake grabbing my collar as she shouted at me. “ANSWER ME!”

“AH FUCK! BUDDIES!”

She backed off her snake, a curious look on her face. “You are fuckbuddies?”

I exhaled my held breath, sphincter unclenching as the massive snake shifted away from me as well. “Whew. Yeah, we’re just fuckbuddies…”

…

Oh shit.

My blood went cold as I realised what I’d admitted to. In my fear to hide the fact I knew Luffy’s dad, and the fear from the huge snake in my face, I forgot I ALSO wanted to hide the fact me and Robin had done it.

“She has dinged for you?” Hancock asked sceptically, to which I nodded quickly. “And she is now carrying your spawn?”

I gulped, still worried someone was going to break out of my earring’s spell and kill me for everything I’ve done. “For better or worse…”

To my surprise, Hancock sighed in… relief? “Thank the goddesses. I had feared that Luffy’s two harlots would desperately be hunting him down to steal him from me and my subjects. But if you have already tamed one of the slutty hell beasts that he lives with then I can rest easier. Thank you, inferior male Natsuo.”

I blinked at her in utter confusion. “Uhm, ok? You’re welcome I guess.” I replied kinda lamely, but was happy that her anger towards me had seemingly cleared.

The real worry was what Luffy would think. I looked up to him, fearing a rage filled look, but he seemed like he was in his own world. Humming a song and carrying me like I was nothing but an extra piece of clothing to wear down the street.

Did he not hear me?

“So you and Robin are fuckbuddies?” Balls. “That’s cool. She’s real nice. I’m glad she got married to someone.”

What the fuck were these responses from her crew?!

“M-Mar-?! Dude, we’re not married.”

That somehow got a bigger reaction from him. “Why not?” Luffy lowered his eyebrow at me, “Do you not like her?”

“I-?! What?! Of course I like her!” I blurted out with a blush. This playground questioning apparently getting the better of me. “B-but marriage is a big step… I don’t know how she feels about me, and-”

“If you like her, then get married! It’s been really fun marrying Hancock.” He admitted, and I heard her swoon behind us. Before I could turn my head around to look at her though, the stretching sound I’d been rotated to returned as well as the fear in my stomach. I managed to turn quick enough to see his arm wrapped around a far away chimney while he grinned excitedly. “And if you want to know how she feels about you, let’s go ask her!”

“Bu-”

I didn’t even get a ‘but’ out. That’s how quickly my body was snapped into terminal velocity on the rubber man’s shoulder and sent skyward amongst the bubbles.