Meanwhile, on planet Namek

…

…

...

...

...*cackle*

*cackle* *cackle* *cackle*

*CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE*

“Fucking hell! Can you stop that, you shitty little brat?”

“GREETINGS! It is I! Ora, the magnificent, hailed as a Goddess!”

“Why am I here?”

“Well, you see Cherry, the two reviewers known as Marcie and Gina are currently kinda...*snicker* TIED UP!”

“…”

“But have no fear, I, Ora the benevolent, voyager witch of the multi-verse, greatest Harem Hotel Host in existence and all around omnipotent Goddess am here. In my infinite benevolence, I have decided to jump unto the breach and cover for them during their absence.”

“Ok, cool. Why am I here?”

“Because these reviews only work as a duo! I’m the straight one and you’re the funny one with the constant wardrobe malfunctions.”

“You’re not straight.”

“I-I’m totally are!”

“Look, what exactly are we reviewing here?”

“Ah yes! Good question! We are covering a Harem Hotel Season.”

“...daring, aren’t we?”

“Yes, really. Dakota’s season. A rather prominent host. She’s a ghost but unlike a certain other ghost host I could mention she’s cool. Very long season too. I think the brats were on their fourth or fifth review?”

“You’re telling me, we are starting this huge ass story in the middle?”

“Eh, should be easy enough to get the gist. Oh, wait! I forgot that I’m omnipotent. Lemme just...”

BRAIN PRIMING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“Ok. I absolutely hated that.”

“Cherry now has all the story’s story until the two brats left off in her brains! Am I correct?”

“I guess?”

“Let’s test this: What is the name of the master?”

“Dickolas Cage.”

“Who ended up getting eliminated last review?”

“Dawn’s Dignity.”

“Who has the flattest chest among the contestants?”

“Also Dawn, and for the record, she’s still bigger than you.”

“Exact...HEY! S-SHUT UP YOU STUPID BIG BREASTED BIMBO BI…”

“Start the read before I tell them about your bed...”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“Alright. Sylvia needs to make some friends, so the group decides to spend the day in a theme-park.”

“WE HAVE A THEME-PARK TOO!”

“That’s nice.”

“It’s called Oraland!”

“...snrk!”

“What?”

“No, nothing. I was just awed by your amazing naming sense.”

“Ehem!”

“Heh, the bit that Dawn is too short for most of the rides is cute. Shame it got abandoned so fast though.”

“Do you have some sort of short fetish, Cherry?”

“Just a preference, I guess. I like shorter girls.”

“Wow, what a freak. We have short contestants too!”

“This isn’t a competition, you brat.”

“Oh and Kim has to work the rides and stalls while the rest of them are having fun. It’s very evil, I like it. *snicker*”

“Say.”

“Yes, Cherry?”

“Did you build the whole premise of your season based on Kim’s work transformation?”

“!!! N-No, totally not! Nuh-ah! Mean Maids is super original and unique! I didn’t steal from Sylvia at all and even if I did I’d like to see you prove it. Actually, don’t! Shut up! If you sue me I sue you back! I have lawyer penguins! And some of them can read!”

“I shouldn’t have said anything...”

She wasn’t completely off, but she wasn’t completely correct, either. The Merry-Go-Round certainly was what it purported to be. Elegantly-painted horses and ponies pranced around a wide wheel, saddles gleaming bright red.

Anatomically correct horses and ponies.

“I don’t get it.”

“It means the horses have dicks.”

“WHAT! THAT IS DISGUSTING!”

“Aren’t you supposed to run a sex show?”

“THERE ARE NO HORSES WITH HORSE DICKS IN ORALAND!”

“Thank fuck for that. More importantly, these brats sure are wasting a lot of time fawning about who gets to ride with the master.”

“Grrr, why can’t our contestants to do that? The fawning amount is insufficient!”

“Just pisses me off. Get on the ride already!”

She adjusted her posture and snapped the ring forward. Rose whistled as it sailed through the air, and landed right on the head of one of the dildos, just as Dawn predicted.

Then it jumped off like a hand on hot metal and landed on the ground.

“Rigging games so that you don’t end up winning the sex toys sounds counterproductive to the spirit of this show.”

“My, you want a sex toy, Cherry?”

“I got my fill. Ok, so as part of the whole sex park stick, the girls have to wager their clothes to play rigged carnival games.”

“I’m gonna steal...I mean take creative inspiration from that!”

“My question is, why are these bimbos so eager to wager their shirt? Just give up a sock or something.”

“Hehe, I suppose you are the expert when it comes to tactical clothing usage, Cherry.”

“Oh, shut it.”

“This is the Slime Climb,” Kim said, gesturing to the ladder. It looked structurally-unsound just in the wind. The ladder shook slightly, mimicking the jiggling of the slime. “The goal of the game is to climb the ladder and ring that bell without falling in the slime.”

“SLIME! I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT SLIME CLIMB THINGY WITH SLIME INSTEAD OF WATER!”

“Please stop shouting straight into my eardrum.”

“The plan now,” Dawn said, taking back her blouse, the only dry article of clothing she had left, and slipping it on, “is frankly up in the air. But it’s getting into the afternoon…”

“Oi, Oi, that was like twenty chapters and it’s only past noon? What did you get me into, you shitty little brat?”

“I-it’s not my fault! This branch is like a 1000 chapter long!”

“WHAT!”

“We aren’t reading that much, of course! But I want to at least finish this round.”

“WE HAVEN’T EVEN FINISHED A SINGLE DAY!”

For one, there wasn’t any bell to go off when the ringer hit. Instead of a bell, there was a nice pair of naked buttocks sticking out at the top. And as for the ringer of the bell itself, well… that resembled an open hand.

“Really? You have a ring the bell game and you are not going for the obvious? Pathetic.”

“Eh, the virgins reading this probably can’t handle CBT.”

Then, she kicked off her shoes, and placed them on the counter.

“Congrats to Dani, the one contestant with a single braincell in this harem.”

“Oh, this is fun! They are going on a log ride!”

“And the log’s shaped like a dick, going into a vagina.”

“Eww. Cherry, this park is kinda disgusting.”

“You figured that out now?”

Then, one voice became two, then two dozen. Glowing woman after glowing woman emerged from the water and joined in the chorus. Some kept their distance while others swam closer to the boat, circling it like sharks, and others hung back and climbed up onto the rocks and scuttled ships and posed their bodies like pinup models.

“This ride has sirens. Why exactly am I stuck with a bunch of sharks? Everybody knows Sirens are sexier then sharks!”

“Why are you asking me?”

“Dani falls in the water like the clumsy oaf she is but gets saved by a siren. But like huge missed opportunity.”

“Why?”

“They could have had a huge siren sex orgy!”

“Huh...you actually have a point. With how sexed up as this themepark is, Siren rape sounds right up it’s alley.”

“Look, all I’m saying is that maybe you need to be a little sweeter, my girl,” Sylvia suggested. She couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. “Don’t ask me why, but the audience seems to respond more to sweet acts of intimacy like Mary shows, rather than overt seduction.”

“Cherry is that true?”

“Fuck no. The audience are a bunch of degenerates who only crave to humiliate the contestants.”

“Yes. That makes more sense. Ok, Ferris Wheel time!”

“I’m surprised that thing isn’t degenerate. With the way this park is going you kind expect it to be themed after a huge boob or something.”

“Just shows that this park’s theming sucks. Unlike my Oraland.”

“The Ferris Wheel is supposed to be the last ride of the day but you bet they make it as excruciating as possible.”

“The contestants of course all want to ride with Nick, so we are getting a scene for each girl.”

"We got some cute moments there and yep.”

“Cherry.”

“What?”

“We are supposed to comment on these deep character development moments and analyses them!”

“Or we say we did that and move forward so we can end this review sometimes this millennia.”

“Trust me, you don’t want to eat at the restaurants here,” Kim said, shaking her head.

“But, I want to eat dinner at the amusement park!”

“The hell are you on about now?”

“If you go to an amusement park you want to eat dinner there! And watch the Fireworks! And then you go to sleep in the magic castle!”

“...oh good, looks like the day is finally about to come to a close.”

“B-But Fireworks…”

“Also, Dakota gets a new ass.”

“Yeah, some former host who failed and got her show cancelled like a chump. That will never happen to me!"

“Uhu.”

“Stand. On. One. Leg.”

“I like how Dakota immediately ensures she’s in charge. That’s how you need to treat your staff! They need to learn to respect you, otherwise they are gonna form a Union and break your kneecaps!”

“uhu.”

“...Cherry.”

“Yeah?”

“stand on one leg.”

“Sure thing, can you show me how it's done first?”

“Ok! Watch closely.”

“Awesome. Time for Dawns’ night.”

“A-and they are actually having s-sex and w-woaaaaah...!”

*Ora crashes to the ground, spilling luke warm coffee all over herself*

“T-this is super explicit!”

“Again. You are hosting a sex show.”

“I...I mean yeah but they are like actually having sex and stuff!”

“Enjoying the show?”

“S-shut up! Enough about s-sex! Nobody cares about that! Moving on! Next day!”

“This was AGES ago, the rapetopuses have all raped each other into hibernation by now,” Sylvia scoffed. “

“Rapetopuses! This is exactly the sort of excitement my themepark needs! Let’s see the ghost host try to top HAT!”

“Then why don’t you have a single person of color in your harem?” Sylvia pointed out. “Lot of whites though, Daddy…”

“Yeah! Unlike MY show! Which has an Australian!”

“And one of the Sirens followed them back to the hotel. This will end well.”

“The Siren can talk!”

“Turns out she was a former contestant. Yeah, I call bullshit. This shit was totally retconned.”

“I wish that mattered,” she said somberly. “But the truth is… it doesn’t. The master isn’t the one with the real power in a show like this. Neither is the host. Or even the producers. It’s the audience. They’re the ones who want things, they’re the ones who insist. The host is just a tool to facilitate the satisfaction of their desires.”

“Makes sense.”

“Grrr, stupid audience! What are they good for anyways?”

“But that’s the thing, that narrative only works because it is CARLY’S backstory,” Sylvia reminded her. “You’re copying Carly’s transformation and making yourself into Marley’s sister, and then becoming Carly’s sister by default. But that’s not what happens when I do it. If I veto the transformation, then Carly never HAD a sister. Marley becomes my sister, and only my sister, and the ramifications of that… well, let’s just say that ‘Marley’ would stop being ‘Marley’ for a couple days, until the veto wore off and Carly got the transformation back. She’d become MY sister, and when the memories come back, she’d be BOTH of our sisters, permanently, and… no. We can’t do that.”

“Eh?”

“Problem following along?”

“N-No! I totally got all that!”

Morgana crashed down into the lagoon with a scream, and began to thrash in the water.

“You literally just copy pasted this one when you created Megan, huh?”

“Megan and Morgana are not the same at all! For example…”

“Uhu.”

“Megan has a laptop.”

Holly looked like she was going to throw a fit, but she understood where they were coming from. So with a sigh, and without being asked, she cleared the table and resigned herself to the kitchen, leaving the two of them alone to fuck to their heart’s desire.

“Wouldn’t the bathroom make more sense? What’s she gonna do if she needs to go?”

“Piss in the sink, I guess.”

“Eww.”

“In other news, Carly and Dani have some sort of weird romantic thing going on where Dani is sexually attracted to Carly but Carly is only romantically attracted to her.”

“What.”

“It kinda makes sense. Dani also has gets a sad backstory featuring some femboy, again totally retconned.”

“Geez, Cherry! Not everyone has to be a con!”

“We haven’t heard of this Joan person for 300 chapters but now she’s suddenly a big deal for Dani? Gimme a break. This and Siren girl is just the authors way of making the character less boring.”

“Wow, Cherry! You’re brutal!”

“Isn’t that the point?”

“Yeah! But like, can’t you be brutal in a kinder way? As a super genius and competent authorI can't help but feel bad about this clumsy writer."

“Moving on...”

“Stop it! Just stop it! Stop comforting me!” She swatted at him with her nails. “I don’t deserve it! I don’t WANT to deserve it, alright!? Stop trying to change me! Stop making me want it! I don’t! Just let me be a piece of shit you fucking bitch!”

“Why isn’t Dakota punishing Gina for that assault and insult of the master? Is she stupid?”

“I don’t think they have negative points in this season.”

“That’s lame.”

“Also that Gina brat needs a spanking.”

“Well, she’s not getting one. But she does get the next best thing. A party!”

“it’s some fancy shindig with masquerades and all that.”

“Oh my...did Lucy rip of Dakota? Hehehe, how embarrassing…If he wants me to keep his secret he better sends more food!"

“Seems there was some trick to the masks. All the girls are getting transformed into animals. Cute. I like how Dawn transforms fuck all why Dani turns into a fucking horse."

“But there isn’t even a single penguin! So it’s kinda lame, too.”

“You good?”

“Yeah, so the girls are rated for their animal performance and…”

1st: Marley – Grand Prize

2nd: Holly – Generous Boon

3rd: Dawn – Generous Boon

4th: Mary – Generous Boon

5th: Kim – Neutral Boon

6th: Sylvia – Neutral Boon

7th: Carly – Neutral Boon

8th: Gina – Reinforcement Boon

9th: Rose – Reinforcement Boon

10th: Dani – Reinforcement Boon

11th: Morgana – Penalty Boon

“Feels kinda unfair for Morgana. The girl was turned into a mouse an acted like one. Further prove that the audience are a bunch of degenerates.”

"Everyone gets performancing enhancing transformations. Dawn got like huge, gigantic boobs!"

“Right.”

“Uh! Fanmail time! This is a staple of Harem Hotel, so it should be super fun!”

“Well, this is fucking weird,” Gina said, looking around the room. “Why did it have to be white? Couldn’t I get a cool black room or something?”

“White is the best to ensure maximum letter interaction! If the room is too cool, the contestants would just stare at the walls the whole time instead of reading!”

“Uh-uh”

“Oh, they are writting French in the letters.”

“…”

“I LOATHE THE FRENCH!”

“Because of de Sade?”

“No, one of the defining features of Marcie and Gina reads is that Marcie loathes the French. I have to loathe the French too, to keep in line with the brand.”

“Oh boy.”

“You be in character too! Try to be more Gina like! Say shark a lot!”

“Uhu. Speaking of sharks. I like to turn this fan-mail into fin-mail."

"..."

"No, but seriously, how did the other brats handle this?”

“By screeching. Lots and lots of screeching.”

“Fuck this. We’re skipping.”

“Hey!”

“What? You want to spend all time here reading some letters? That Hardric dweeb is already giving me an aneurysm.”

“I suppose that is very on brand...oh, it’s Sylvia’s night! And she gives it to Holly?”

“Apparently.”

“But Holly got eliminated!”

“So? She got that transformation that lets her have sex with the Nick. Feels kinda cruel to not let her have a night.”

“No, no, Cherry, you don’t get it. Elimination are super duper serious business! You can’t just override them like that! It cripples the integrity of the whole show!”

“Oh wow, is that actual something resembling actual criticism coming from you?”

“As I was saying,” Dakota continued, “traditionally, the first challenge involves the contestants of a season using these guns. And since I’m finally the host again, it only makes sense that we do things by the book now, wouldn’t you agree?”

“I WASN’T AWARE OF THAT!!!!!!!”

“My poor ears…”

“Are you telling me….my awesome first challenge was not by the book?”

“It involved getting mauled by sharks and drowning.”

“At least one of those things is sexy.”

“Ah, yes, you catch on quickly!” Dakota laughed. “Exactly! For this challenge, the task is a simple one. You will take this gun, and be sent back to earth. Once there, you will transform one person, giving them whatever creative, twisted transformation your brain can think of. Once you’re done, just push the button on the back of the blaster, and you’ll be brought back home! Sound good?”

“What a cool idea!”

“Don’t steal it.”

“I’m not stealing stuff! I just take creative inspiration from it which is covered by fair use!”

“Ok...lot’s of parent related stuff to unravel here.”

“Yeah, l must say it lacks quite a bit of variety! Like, why couldn’t Rose transform her brother? That would have been much more interesting! I bet he’s secretly evil!”

“Heh, I gave her shit but I like what Dani does here. These fucks didn’t show you any mercy, so you don’t need to either.”

“Sure, but we didn’t even get to see the transformations! I wanted to see what twisted abominations they turned Joan’s family into!”

“Guess we got Kim for that. And Morgana. I expect both of them to rank high.”

1st: Sylvia

2nd: Dawn

3rd: Gina

4th: Mary

5th: Carly

6th: Dani

7th: Rose

8th: Kim

9th: Morgana

“Ok, this is some fucking bullshit!”

*CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE*

“And that’s why, I have an announcement to make. Starting now, 100 VP is not the target goal for success in this competition! No… a winner will be decided when one of you reaches the target… 200 Victory Points!”

“Changing the rules in the middle of the game are we? How pathetic! Only loser hosts do that!”

“Says the brat who has a mechanic called Divine Intervention that lets you change whatever rule you want.”

“Uh! No? First, the contestants have to first buy it from the shop first! I can’t just use it all Bill O'Rilley!"

“That’s not...whatever. Mary decides to get herself eliminated. Dakota doesn’t want that of course but her boss intervened.”

“WHO DOES THAT GUY THINK HE IS?”

“Her Boss?”

“B-But...I don’t get it? Why is Dakota letting that stupid non face walk over her like that?”

“Because he’s the boss?”

“Grrrrr…”

“Oh, you are actually pissed.”

“I’m fed up with those stupid producers meddling with perfectly good seasons! Obviously Sylvia getting eliminated would have let to much more drama! So that’s what Dakota should have done!"

“I dunno. Feels like erasing her would have been a pretty fucked up thing to do.”

“I’m not saying she needed to have erased her! Just turn her into a coat hanger or something! I’m definitely gonna turn that stupid hag into a coat hanger and if that dumb penguin has a problem with it, I feed him to my pet space whale!”

“That’s nice, can we finish this review before you do? It’s transformation time.”

“Oh yeah, so, Mary doesn’t receive an elimination transformation. Which is kinda lame. Ugh, everything in this season is so lame!”

“I don’t think Dakota has it in her anyways. She’s a brat, but she does care about these girls and Nick obviously.”

“She needs to take a page out of Sally’s playbook! Now that is a super ruthless host!”

“Ok, so transformations...”

“I bet you like the leotard one for Dawn, huh, Cherry?”

“It’s better then the tongue one at least.”

“uh! Trigger word is a classic! I want that one!”

“For yourself?”

“For Gina! I mean Regina! Not Luigina!”

“Uhu…can’t say I really care for Carly’s or Dani’s”

“I like the one that forces Dani to be more feminine, because it will annoy Shar!”

“I thought you were on good terms with her?”

“Good terms? She didn’t send me sweets for four whole episodes! She probably hates me!”

“Golden Fleece sounds fun.”

“What, you have a thing for fluffy hair, Cherry?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Hm, and Kim’s are basically all positive. Boring!”

“Give her a break. Kim needs a win.”

“Uh Uh! I hope the vampire one wins for Morgueana! I did something similar to that insufferable Anna! Hah!”

“Dream Eater sounds interesting.”

“And that’s that! We’re done!”

“Finally. This took forever.”

“Eh, thismuch is mostly just business as usual for the brats. I’m sure they are enjoying their “break” *cackle* *cackle*”

“So, review’s finished?”

“Not quite! We still have to determine best and worst girl!”

“Ah.”

“Hm...best girl, best girl, well I think we all know that there is only one logical answer for that!”

“…”

“Me! It’s me! I’m the best girl!”

“…”

“And the worst girl. Well, obviously, Cherry,. She is clumsy, has big boobs and is overall a completely awful maid!”

“You know, I actually feel the slightest inkling of sympathy ftowards the author for having to put up with this trashfest of a review, so I will answer this question seriously. I vote Sylvia for best girl.”

“Sylvia? Really? Talk about scrapping the absolute middle of the barrel.”

“Sylvia just has to put up with so much bullshit. The way Dakota treats her is awful.”

“Wow, Cherry! Look at you going all bleeding heart! I bet you voted for Humphrey!”

“Better then your constant deflecting.”

“S-shut up! I’m an awesome Goddess! I don’t have time for these loser contestants on this loser season with their loser host!”

“Right. Worst girl. Nola. Ugh, can't stand her."

“Cherry! You are supposed to pick girls from the harem!”

“I don’t need you to tell me that, you shitty, little brat!”

“Do it, or this review will never end.”

“Fine. Morgana.”

“Eh? Why? I think she’s pretty funny.”

“Told you, I can’t stand brats. That said, Gina is pretty bad too. They both need a spanking.”

"But Gina would enjoy that!"

"Hm, you're right. Ok, have Morgana spanked while Gina has to watch. How's that?"

“Don’t go spank other contestants! It will lead to an interuniversal incident!”

“I have my hands full with the brats on our season. NOW are we finished.?”

“Almost.”

“Fuck’s sake.”

“Here are all the typos I found. I collected them to humiliate the author!”

“Don’t sound so smug about it.”

She was tempted to resist as he molested er body

but she wasstill tangled up in the blankets

“Yeee!” Dawn screeched, jumping up from the bed in shcok.

We’ll just say high to each other

She was feel extraordinarily tired right now

Dai found herself completely captivated by it in an instant.

staringito Dakota’s eyes in resignation.

Dnai guessed.

Dakota actually game up with a water-based challenge?

and they realized they weren’t along.

But he didn’t know what to sya

We right down a list of things

Mary just huddled on the flood,

it’s only fitting that we replace her with someone knew,

Caryl’s a pretty bold woman.

“Ok, closing remark. I guess this was pretty ok. I liked the themepark and the hot spicy sex and the challenge, but I didn’t like how wimpy Dakota was in the end. I’m not wimpy so you should all watch my season, which is awesome and amazing. And it doesn’t have a guy with no face! What it does have however, is penguins. Do you like penguins? Of course you like penguins. Everyone likes penguins especially if they are working in a hotel. My favorite penguin species are...

“And that’s it. Reviews over.”

*Cherry grabs Ora by the collar and drags her out*