Majel Barrett’s

“…I’m telling you, man, it’s no coincidence that the Cardassians were introduced in January of ‘91 and Gene Roddenberry was dead nine months later! He was trying to give us a message about the lizard people. That’s why Robert Kardashian had him killed!”

“Well, Molly, while I find the coincidence of their names to be fascinating, why would a trial lawyer kill a science fiction writer?”

“To protect his brood! Kris Jenner never blinks dude! They’re all lizard people, and Gene was trying to warn us!”

“So you’re saying-”

“Kim Kardashian isn’t human!”

“So Robert Kardashian’s 2003 was-”

“Majel Barrett’s !”

“That’s utterly fascinating Molly, but I see Barbie signaling that it’s almost time to sign off. I’m going to let you go and take one more caller… Lucky line one, you’ve reached Danny After Dark, what’s on your mind?”

“Lobo the pink Sasquatch wants Eagle brand Airline Peanuts!”

CLICK

“Ooookay… Line three.”

“Danny! Long time listener, first time caller! Love the show!”

“I’m sorry, but this is my first night-“

“Big Daddy D!”

CLICK

“Um… so that’s a wrap on my first night in Black Beach Bay, friends.” I turn to look at Barbie, who’s sitting there with a grin like the cat that at the canary. “So you think I’ll survive out here in the great frozen north, Barbie?”

This town is clearly… colorful. The calls we’ve fielded this evening have ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous, but it’s been a pretty fun night overall. That last caller though… the last time anyone’s called me that was five years and two stations ago…

“I think the real question here is can the great frozen north survive your BDE, Danny.” Is she flirting with me? “Folks that’s all our time for tonight. Danny has the next two days off to settle into our quiet little lake town, so you sit tight and tune back in Monday night to hear his sexy voice tickling your ears. We’re swapping over to our weekend format now, so enjoy this Saturday morning as we bring you the dulcet tones of Orson Welles in his 1937 radio drama, The Shadow”

“Who know what evil lurks in the hearts of men…”

The light turns red and Barbie takes off her headset. “Wanna stop by Julie’s and grab some breakfast? She makes the best Swedish pancakes in Minnesota.”

My adrenaline high is gone. I’ve been awake for twenty-eight hours at this point, and while I might have been able to do this when I was in my twenties, I can see fifty coming at me pretty quickly. “Sorry, I’m wiped out. I’d love to join you but I still need to find the apartment I rented, and… well, I kinda hate breakfast foods.”

Barbie is on her feet, her tits bouncing nicely under that skin tight top. No bra. “Then in that case you can get the best Monte Cristo in the Midwest!” She grabs my hand, her skin is cool and soft, dry despite the ever present humidity which makes the air feel like a sheet of wet rubber. “I’ll help you get settled afterwards. I’m not letting my new star go to bed hungry.”

Well… at my age, turning down a woman who looks like she does porn on the side for a breakfast date is not something I feel able to do. As tired as I am I relent, and am then dragged along by Barbie’s irrepressible energy, trailing in the wake of her enthusiastic backdraft to a small diner a couple doors down.

The Monte Cristo is every bit as good as promised and by the time I’ve finished it, Barbie has managed to polish off a stack of hotcakes, six pieces of bacon, an equal amount of sausage links, and what looked like a half pound of fried potatoes, all the while talking about the town glowingly and somehow not stopping the entire time. I take in almost none of it. I’m dead on my feet.

Turns out my apartment is actually directly over Julie’s, and Julie herself, a not unattractive woman in her early fifties with hennaed hair and kind eyes, is my landlady. Barbie helps me with my two suitcases, then to my chagrin gets me out of my clothes and pours me into bed. It’s only as my eyes start to close that the thought that’s been bouncing around in my brain finally comes to the surface.

In the 8 hours on the air I didn’t have a single male caller. In the hour that we spent in Julie’s, there wasn’t a single male patron.

What the fuck is going on in this town.