Legitimate* Tactics

“Leggoame ye git!”

Nessa complied, gently tossing the goblin into the arena as far away from Caruban as she could manage. He waved his spear wildly, and managed to set it against the giant lion’s charge. Caruban, or Gil supposed it would be better to call it “the Caruban” since it was apparently a species instead of name, roared and scratched at the spear after shredding the goblin, breaking the shaft off but leaving the point embedded in its shoulder. It wasn’t much more than a scratch, but it was a bit better than some of the goblins had done.

Nessa turned back around and sat with her stone encased hand poised to snatch another goblin who dared expose himself to the open air. The defenders had been tough to convince, but eventually Gil was able to talk them into creating a kill zone. The goblins still in the tunnel were hard to hit unless they were already almost overrunning the defenders. An improvised wall made up of damaged slot machines did a much better job of letting Gil, Silky, and Keilnei fire down upon the heads of aggressive goblin invaders. More importantly, the first goblin to step out of the tunnel for each assault got the delightful experience of being physically lifted and dropped inside of the arena.

The desk attendant had frantically called for Nessa to stop the first time she attempted the procedure, but as it turned out she only wanted Nessa to know that two team members could not be in or above the arena at the same time. If they ever were, then the desk attendant would need to call a foul and shut down the prize desk. No one wanted that, especially since the attendant was herself on the menu and apparently could not leave without being purchased. And so, Nessa was very careful to gently toss the struggling goblins and occasional orc into the arena without entering the airspace, then wait until it was dead before replacing it.

It was slow going, but there seemed to be a functionally infinite number of goblins and orcs trying to get into the casino, and bloodloss combined with fatigue is a slow and insidious killer. Gil didn’t need the Caruban dead from pure goblin wave tactics. He needed it slowed down enough to be easy prey for Garri.

Speaking of Garri, she was slowly working her way through the various arcade cabinets. Each of the nearly dozen machines was for the same game, a beat 'em up starring what appeared to be recolored versions of Vahn, Noa, and a large muscular man. However, each one only allowed Garri to play a single game with a single life before shutting down.

It wasn’t a trivial game, either. The only saving grace is that each cabinet, save one embarrassing attempt where Garri got distracted by one of the bunny girls and died in the first round, paid out more chips than it cost to play. Only one chip per boss beaten, but even so. Net positive of 11 chips so far.

Even better, the goblins killed in the arena still counted as killed by Gil’s team, judging by the two that had golden glows. The group settled into a fairly steady rhythm.

Kill and yoink goblins trying to enter, spending mana if there was even a slight chance of a real breach.

Keep the Caruban fighting constantly, taking minor scratch damage every couple goblins and the occasional more serious wound when Nessa got her hands on an orc.

Watch the big fire kitty to see if it had lost its edge yet.

Pass around the healing materia to fix the scratches Nessa kept getting in her hands from angry orcs and goblins.

Enjoy free alcohol from the bar and break into the kitchen to cook the food in the freezer.

Occasionally give the Caruban a few minutes to rest before tossing in another orc once the adrenaline faded from its system.

Once it was panting and disoriented, nearly an hour after the initial appearance of the Caruban, Gil made the call and sent in Garri. It lumbered to its feet, but she had already prepared to meet its charge. Her eerie conjured tentacle smashed it in the throat while it lunged towards her, stopping the attack cold and knocking the beast off balance.

Garri lunged forward and lashed its face multiple times with her bladed whip, tearing out one of its eyes. She shifted her position, circle strafing the Caruban to always stay in its newly created blind spot and lashing it over and over until it couldn’t keep scrambling in a circle. It collapsed, and a few moments later it began to glow.

“Hell yeah!” Gil cried, pumping his fist in the air.

He hadn’t been ready to hop in and grab the loot from the arena, but thankfully it seemed that his subordinates could loot on his behalf if they had the temerity to try. The golden glow stuck around even after the corpses despawned, which happened after each round finished. Garri plucked a white leather glove out of the glow and handed it to Gil with a raised eyebrow.

“Is this a magic item or just part of a Michael Jackson Cosplay?” She asked, eyes still bright from adrenaline.

Gil waited for the next monster to crop up in the arena before properly responding. The next creature was called a Gola Gola, and it was some kind of floating spike covered centipede. It didn’t have an actual mouth, just dozens of sharp bony spikes and a long blade on its tail that was quite sufficient to impale a goblin. It actually seemed noticeably less dangerous than the Caruban in practice, but Gil figured that it would be best to continue the goblin stream.

Of course then it wrapped around the next goblin, impaling it with hundreds of tiny bony needles, and curled its head down over the goblin’s face, possessing it. That was ironically the best thing that could have happened, because apparently a Seru fused individual and their seru would always die together and a possessed goblin bled much more easily than a Seru.

Gil smiled and left Nessa to her work, then finally placed the glove on his tablet.

For Her Hand- Allows you to issue a challenge to another individual for ownership of a person they own or have authority over. They may define the challenge/duel, setting the rules so long as they are even, and may appoint the disputed party as their champion if they so desire. If they or their champion lose, they will lose all claim or authority over that person and you will gain a similar claim in turn that mirrors theirs. This can include retinue membership, lures, or bindings. If you fail the duel, the disputed party will become entirely immune to all lures, bindings, and even social interactions from you. One use.

“Huh.” Gil said, “I’ve had the blue soapstone for one day and they are giving me PvP items?”

“So what’s it do?” Garri asked, even more excited.

“It’s kinda scummy, honestly.” Gil said. “It’s for stealing a relationship from someone else and it’s fairly one-sided. That’s why everyone sane pays to opt out of PvP as quickly as they can. This kind of stuff is common in the Ladder.”

“But that girl Lil seemed into it?” Garri asked, confused, “Isn’t she your friend?”

“Yeah, but she’s also a masochist.” Gil said with a shrug. “Not the elaborate scene kind like Vanessa. More just the constant relentless grind type. Even she stops off and grabs a feel good or mundane life sim every once in a while, and she turns off PvP when she does. You would not believe how popular it is among hardcore testers to be a farmer with pleasant neighbors. The wait list is enormous.”

The Gola Gola peeled itself off of its goblin host, which was in the process of bleeding out, but that gave a burly orc the opportunity to cut its head clean off while it was otherwise occupied.l

“Victor! Zundod… Wormsmasha? Did his name just change in the middle of the bout?”

Zundod’s time as a champion was short lived, as when he leapt out of the arena Gil proceeded to fry him with a bolt of lightning.

“Yeah, I don’t actually go for these combat heavy tests because I prefer them.” Gil explained. “I mean sure, it’s nice to be powerful, but how many people really want a life of nonstop danger and adventure?”

Garri raised her hand, and Gil snorted.

“Yeah, fair. There’s a reason there’s so much demand.” Gil admitted. “That demand mostly comes from people who haven’t already done it a hundred times, though.”

“So… why?” Garri asked.

“Pay’s good.” Gil answered. “And if I do my best I can usually at least break even, even if I get my head blown off ten minutes in.”

“Yeesh.”

“Next up! Zeto!”

Gil raised his eyebrow as a giant crab crawled out of the portal. He recognized the giant dark blue-green claws from that one time Zeto managed to choke him out. Presumably this was that guy’s full combat form, and he was pretty sure he would be a fair bit tougher than Caruban. That’s just basic game design; the guy who destroys your hometown is going to be scarier than the guy standing next to a tree.

That theory proved accurate, as most goblins completely failed to scratch the big crab’s carapace. Thankfully he was also notably slower than the fire lion had been. Gil looked over at the three Shinra troopers and decided to let them keep manning the door for now. They were doing fine.

He shouted his plan to Nessa, and circled around to the opposite end of the arena from where she was dropping in the goblins. The next time that he heard a death gurgle from a goblin, Gil hopped over the ropes and started slinging bolts of lightning as quickly as he could.

He didn’t surprise the big crab as much as he’d hoped, as it swiveled around and responded to the lightning by blasting him with a wave of glowing purple bubbles from its distinctly non-carcinizatious mouth. He’d already been planning on dipping the moment it came after him, so after the fourth lightning bolt Gil hopped back over the ropes and took cover. The bubbles all exploded with sounds like firecrackers directly over his head, on the border between the arena and the outside.

The next few goblins lasted a little bit longer, and their brutally cunning little minds clocked the large burnt parts of their enemy’s carapace as a weakness without any particular coaching.

Unfortunately, the goblins were not the only ones that proved smarter than they first appeared. The crab seemed to be around as smart as his source material, and started preemptively setting up attacks against the Goblins. He placed himself on the far end of the arena from Nessa, and had relatively little difficulty swatting the goblins as they came to him. After a solid 45 minutes of stalemate, Gil brought in the first of the three Shinra soldiers to do something similar to Gil’s own strategy, which is to say hop over the rope for just long enough to empty a full clip into the giant enemy crab.

The bullets were strong enough to pierce the Seru’s shell, if only just, and the poor bastard even got out of there after holding down his trigger for a few seconds. Then, Nessa herself downshifted inside and charged at Zeto with her spear. She’d seen enough of his fighting to know that he didn’t have much if a way to respond to an enemy with superior reach other than the bubbles, which popped against her shield without much incident beyond several dents. The elephant sized woman finished Zeto off, and stepped back out into the lobby just as quickly as she’d charged in.

She shrank to her normal size so as to stretch. She’d been crouching on her haunches for a couple hours so as to easily lift the orcs and goblins, and it seemed that she’d developed quite a bit of tightness in her muscles from the ordeal. Gil gave her a kiss and fondled her ass affectionately, and she gave him a tired smile.

“Later, husband.” She said, “The battle is not yet won. Let us hope the next is easier to handle.”

The next was not substantially easier to handle. It was a strange creature that seemed like a cross between a lizard and a UFO, but thankfully as a Seru it was inclined towards that same breed of tactical suicide: possessing a goblin. It was lucky that the desk attendant was willing to declare the goblins to be in Gil’s team or not based on his own convenience; he had a feeling they’d get along great. To that end, he made it clear what was at stake.

“Yep, I’m probably gonna go ahead and buy you,” he said, “but honestly I’m a little bit worried about my budget, you know? I want to make all the coins I can before I commit, you know?”

And thus, the closest thing to a referee was in Gil’s pocket. If she called a foul, he wouldn’t be able to buy her because the shop would close down. If that happened, he’d probably abandon the whole solo duels thing and jump the enemies in a group. A plausible win for Garri or Nessa would turn into a near certain victory when it was instead both of them plus fire support.

The last enemy of the beginner tournament was a towering muscular centaur like creature with the head of a blue bull and brightly glowing eyes. His name, Xain, was a relief. He might be a big scary motherfucker, but he was the end of the line. He had absolutely no trouble flattening goblins as a general rule, and he could even send orcs flying with his boulder like fists.

“Yeaaaah, no.” Garri said when Gil made eye contact. “If that guy hits me like… once, I’m chunky salsa.”

“That was also sorta true for Caruban!” Gil complained, “What changed in the last hour?”

“Yeah, but we kinda knew Caruban by that point.”

A few troopers tried the mag-dump strategy, which certainly hurt the thing, but not enough. Silky popped in to cast fire, but then she was almost atomized by a beam of reddish light Xain fired from his fist and she scrambled out of the ring after only one spell. Gil wasn’t about to send the dogs out just in case; they’d be way more likely to get their necks snapped than anything useful, and they’d only heal after his next portal trip if that happened.

At that point, the few remaining heavy hitters looked at each other, bullied Farley into entering for a single shot with his pistol, then went back to looking at anything and anyone except Gil.

“Wait a second…” Garri said, “Could you throw the goblins… AT the bull guy?”

Gil looked at the desk attendant, who met his eyes briefly and then proceeded to completely turn around and pointedly busy herself with the shelf full of prizes.

••••••••••

Actively struggling child sized green men are not the most aerodynamic of projectiles, especially against something intelligent enough to look outside the arena and dodge incoming goblins. It took several attempts, but eventually Nessa managed to beam the Xain directly in the chest with a 50 pound chunk of fungal muscle and bone.

That didn’t kill him instantly, but it did knock him onto his flank and left him open for a few follow up shots. Once Nessa managed to break one of his legs, Gil was finally able to convince Garri to enter the ring. It was, quite simply, a slaughter. The giant bull-taur didn’t stand a chance by that point. The only weapon that had any chance of hitting Garri, his fist laser, had a long enough windup that she had no difficulty dancing out of the way mid jab.

Lash. Lash. Lash.

He could bleed, and so the living siege engine eventually died. His body flared with golden light, which Garri eagerly grabbed and converted into a smiling Comedy mask.

Friendly Face: While wearing this mask, suspicion targeting you will be dampened. You’ll be both tolerated by all and generally assumed to have a legitimate reason for your presence so long as you don’t do anything objectionable, such as stealing, assault, or persisting in more minor infractions after being told to stop.

Confetti exploded out of the corners of the arena and the desk attendant picked up her microphone to declare Garri Wombah the victor, with an assist by a list of names that went on for a few minutes and did not include Nessa. Noa was declared captured, five credits were added to Gil’s account, and the exit portal and obelisk appeared in the dark area behind the Arena.

Nessa and Garri went to the bar for a few minutes, and Gil belatedly realized that he’d been asking a lot of those poor NPCs at the door. Sure his team was providing active fire support, but the only rest that the defenders were getting was when the bodies piled up so high that the orcs needed to get their shit together and drag the pile out of the way.

The Shinra grunts were entirely out of ammo, though basically all of the defenders present were armed with goblin spears now. Gil wasn’t sure if they’d been looted off the corpses or Looted out of the gold glow, but he approved. Speaking of the golden glow, the entire doorway was utterly radiant with golden light, thanks to all the corpses that had been made in that exact spot.

The defenders were getting tired already, and Gil just couldn’t see his team getting the opportunity to sleep. Whatever else they did, they needed to get it done as they were now. Then again, even just killing infinity orcs wasn’t a completely useless plan. He preferred to keep an open mind.

He let Nessa eat. Based on the “easy” course, he was pretty sure she’d be vital to beating as much of the intermediate course as they could manage.

•••••••••

Slightly altered version of that there poll I already gave you with one new even higher tier of prizes.

https://strawpoll.com/1MnwkdY1kn7

I’ll also be asking for you to decide who is going with Gil on a mission to assist another tester! A prior poll chose our budget.

https://strawpoll.com/kjn1DklD7yQ