Jump Into Session 6

“I don’t understand why they aren’t listening to us,” Tori grumbled, running her fingers through her hair in frustration.

“Because we rolled like shit on our Diplomacy,” Rhia sighed.

The fifth session of the campaign was not going the way the girls had been hoping.

Rhia was right, they had rolled like shit on a couple of key diplomacy checks. The first two I’d had contingency ideas for - the guards at the gate of the fort hadn’t believed that the three adventurers and their woodsman companion were of any importance whatsoever and they hadn’t been granted an audience with the Princess, the Castellan in charge of the Duchy while the Duke was away, or the Garrison Captain. They had, however, still been allowed into the courtyard of the fort where they’d been presented to the local Sheriff.

Then they bombed a very easy roll with the Sheriff, managing to offend the man when they insinuated he was shit at his job. To be fair, he wasn’t exactly a character that I’d designed to be extraordinary at his job, but he wasn’t a corrupt son of a bitch either. He was just one man trying to do the job of what should have been an entire regiment.

Even then, I’d had ideas. They were in need of healing and food. The Fort healer was a Hedge Monk, a man of faith in the natural world instead of the Gods. What I hadn’t counted on was Rhia loudly disclaiming any healer who spurned the Gods, unprompted, to the man’s face. He’d healed them, since that was his calling, bringing them all back to half their hit points, but he didn’t go out of his way and he certainly wasn’t trusting their wild story about ‘an army of bandits led by a werewolf gathering in the forest.’

And now, after another disastrous roll, they had pissed off the cook when they tried to ask for food and managed to ruin the meal intended for those eating in the main hall that night in a Rube Goldberg machine-worthy chain of actions. Even if I was shocked at how poorly they were rolling, I was pretty proud of my description of that specific sequence that had led to the suckling pig half swallowing the lad who turned the spit as he ran around in a blind panic until he tripped and fell into the pantry and a fresh bag of ground flour.

Now the three adventurers, and poor Fergus, were sitting out in a corner of the courtyard looking for all the world like a band of beaten-down travellers who had been thrown out of the last three places they’d stayed and were gunning for a fourth.

“We’ve tried the nice way,” Elyse said. “What if we try the… not nice way?”

“You mean we try to take over the castle?” Tori asked.

“I mean… it’s not the worst idea,” Rhia frowned.

“Except it would be considered treason, wouldn’t it?” Tori asked. “Not to mention the fact that that’s pretty much exactly what we’re trying to stop Alexander from doing. It would just make us the bad guys.”

“I didn’t mean take over the castle,” Elyse clarified. “Just… use something other than basic diplomacy.”

“Intimidation?” Rhia asked. “Like we start threatening our way to the top?”

“Or Deception?” Tori asked. “Lie our asses off until we get to someone we think will listen?”

Elyse sighed, rolling her eyes. “OK, maybe it was my phrasing and me trying not to be fucking obvious. What if we seduce our way to the top?”

“Ooooh,” Tori and Rhia chimed in while I covered my mouth, trying not to laugh. I’d had a feeling that was where Elyse had been hinting the whole time. Then Tori and Rhia both started grinning, and the three of them started scheming.

Olivia of Parnassus was bad at sneaking. It just didn’t come with the territory of any part of her being - trained Paladin, armed and armoured. Clergy of Revelry, God of Parties and Joyous Celebration. Bold Courage and Outspoken Empathy were her schtick. That made her great at certain things; especially at attracting attention.

It did not help with sneaking.

The thing was, getting to the recently widowed daughter of Duke Unger wasn’t something she could just do. Especially after they had pissed off every gatekeeper who might have gotten them deeper access into the citadel of the fort.

So Olivia had to strip off her armour, abandon almost all her weapons to the care of Renee, and tidy herself up. If she couldn’t sneak, she’d need to look the part.

Fergus provided the first piece of disguise they needed when he wandered his way into the Godschapel and managed to lift a simple brown robe. Renee helped get Olivia clean, managing to steal a bar of soap with some magical distractions from the washerwoman emptying her buckets down a grate near the walls. Jade added the last elements, handing over the large set of prayer beads she usually wore to give Olivia more of an ‘Official Clergy’ look.

Clad in brown robes, wearing the beads, properly clean for the first time in a week and with only her sword hanging from the simple rope belt of her outfit, Olivia actually looked the part of a visiting clergy of the Gods.

So she walked into the Godschapel, nodding to the local Priest of Duty as he studied a tome of his faith and the Lady of Benevolence who was cleaning and polishing the silver implements the various primary faiths shared in the space. The Priest did a quick double take, his eyes roving down Olivia’s robed body and following her - she got the sense he was watching her ass, not bothered about the sword. He must have been used to trying to discern who might have a nice ass through bulky robes because she was sure he could barely see a single curve. The Lady didn’t even look up from her work.

Olivia went in through the back entryway of the chapel, winding into the bowels of the citadel. She knew she needed to go in, and go up, to find the widow and gain her trust.

Meanwhile, Jade had another mission. Olivia could have accomplished it about as well, most likely, but she was better suited to the stealth-not-stealth mission. Hair-folks weren’t exactly common and a visiting hairfolk clergy would immediately be recognized as the same one who had come through the fort gates earlier that day.

Instead, Jade went looking for trouble. Or rather, she went looking for where trouble usually happened.

There were two places, at the foot of the Duchy seat of power, where trouble would occur. The alehouse, and the guard barracks. Causing enough problems at either one would probably bring her in front of the Garrison Captain eventually, but the alehouse would mean making her way through the current guard on duty, their superior, and whoever else needed to be consulted before she ever made it. That would take time, maybe even days sitting in a cell; time they didn’t have.

Punching a guard in the mouth in the middle of their barracks, though?

That was making a statement.

Jade found the front door, waited for one of the guards to come out and Renee to give the signal, and dashed from where she’d been waiting around the corner and caught the heavy oak door before it closed. With a glance back over her shoulder and a nod at the shadow sorceress, she ducked inside.

The interior of the barracks was primarily a bunkhouse, and Jade found it mostly empty. Three rows of ten bunk beds, a couple of big round tables where it looked like someone had abandoned a game of cards, and three doors. Six of the beds were occupied by a sleeping person; likely the night watch.

“What would you like to do?” I asked Tori. Part of me had wanted to just give them a win for their planning, especially after things had gotten messy with their bad rolls early in the session, but I knew giving a couple of smaller hurdles would make an eventual win feel sweeter and more earned.

Tori blew out a breath, looking down at her character sheet as she absentmindedly spun her pencil. She shook her head and sighed, looking back up at me. “Three doors?”

I nodded. “One pretty obviously, based on what you could tell of the positioning outside, leads around the side of the keep. Another one is standing partially open and looks like it might be a privy area. The last one, sort of in the middle, is shut.”

“The door is shut,” Rhia intoned, immediately making me scoff. “What?” she asked.

“I expected better from you, Missy,” I said, narrowing my eyes and pointing my finger accusingly. “The quote is ‘The way is shut.’”

“Fuuuuck,” Rhia groaned, facepalming.

“Fuckin’ nerds,” Elyse chuckled and grinned.

“I’m going to check the shut door first,” Tori said. “Jade tries to move quietly through the bunkroom without waking any of the sleeping guards.”

“Roll me a Stealth check with advantage because they are all definitely asleep,” I said.

She rolled, did fast math on her fingers, and smirked. “Seventeen.”

“Nice,” I said. “Alright. Jade makes it across the bunkhouse without anything untoward happening, and the breathing of the sleeping guards doesn’t change except for one guy who starts snoring lightly.”

“I try opening the door,” Tori said.

“You don’t check it for traps?” Rhia asked.

“Why would they have a trapped door in the middle of the guard bunkhouse?” Tori sighed in exasperation.

“I mean, as a trap?” Rhia hedged.

“For sneaky bitches like you,” Elyse chuckled. “I mean, think about it. What if every guard who gets hired is told, ‘Hey, just FYI, don’t open that door. It explodes. It’s just there to catch thieves trying to steal our stuff.’”

Tori worked her mouth a few times and then sighed again, looking back at me. “I guess I check it for traps.”

I snorted and smirked, then had her roll. “You are fairly certain the door is not trapped.”

“Shane,” Tori groaned. “What does that mean?”

Now I did laugh. “It means you are pretty confident you don’t see any signs of a trap.”

“Oh my God,” Tori said. “I don’t know it’s not trapped?”

“Do you know that my bathroom door isn’t secretly trapped?” I asked. “Or do you simply trust that I’m not crazy enough to do that?”

“I-” Tori said, her voice trailing off…

Rhia started snickering, and Elyse was grinning.

“Fuck you guys,” Tori laughed. “I open the door.”

Jade opened the door cautiously, peeking around it and finding a dark stone stairwell leading up about one flight and ending in a double door. She slipped through, closing it quietly behind her, and padded up the stairs to the short landing and the next doors. They were the same heavy oak, but these doors had some decorative accents in their construction, hinting that something important lay beyond.

“I try-” Tori started, then hesitated and narrowed her eyes as she looked at Rhia and Elyse. “I check the door for traps.”

That got snorts and giggles from the others, and she rolled.

“You are reasonably confident there are no traps on these doors,” I said with a smirk. “But, one thing does come up as you’re examining them. You hear a soft grunting coming from the other side.”

Tori raised one delicate eyebrow. “Grunting? Like what kind of grunting? Animal or person?”

“Definitely a person,” I said. “And soft. Not frequent either, just the occasional chesty grunt.”

All three girls looked confused as they tried to think of what it could be, but they couldn’t come up with anything.

“Fuck it,” Tori finally said. “I try to open the door super quietly. And only like two inches so I can peek in or hear better.”

“Roll for Stealth,” I prompted.

She rolled, and when her dice stopped she moaned through pouty lips and leaned forward until her head was pressed to the table before holding up two fingers. “Natural two,” she mumbled.

“You gotta be shittin’ me,” Elyse groaned.

“We all need new dice,” Rhia sighed. “Better dice. Prettier dice.”

“The good news is that as Jade begins opening the door, she only gets it one smidge of an inch open before it starts to squeak. Someone has either been intentionally not oiling these hinges, or they’ve been allowed to get noisy on purpose. The good news is that since you didn’t get a natural one, you manage to stop before you make more than a little ‘Ee!’ of sound.”

“Fuck it,” Tori said. “I push open both doors fast and step in. I’m trying to make an entrance anyway.”

Jade pushed the double doors wide open, each of them squealing like a piglet as their metal hinges complained, and she stepped into what had to be the armoury for the bunkhouse. Racks for weapons and armour stood lining the walls and in neat rows in the middle of the room - most were empty, however, and not because of all the guards on duty. One of the problems in the Duchy was that Duke Unger was supporting the King’s war against the Dark Lord in the East. The Armoury, and most of the Garrison, were emptied when the soldiers had marched to war. A dozen spears, half a dozen swords, some cudgels and three new-looking breastplates of boiled leather were all that were waiting to be donned.

Beyond the empty racks was what looked like an office. A big oak desk and two tall stands of cupboards filled with scrolls and books made up the main furniture, and a steel helm with a feathered plume was sitting on the desk.

On a cot under the barred windows at the back of the chamber, where the only light in the space was coming from, the soft grunts cut off in a strangled panic as the Garrison Captain looked down the central row, his eyes wide and his hand wrapped around his cock, laying back on his cot as he was masturbating in private.

Jade looked at him.

He looked at Jade.

He wasn’t half bad looking. Younger than she would have expected, maybe eighteen or nineteen and likely appointed to his position because he was the son of someone who had marched to war with the Duke.

“OK, look,” Jade said as she closed the doors behind her and started walking down the empty row of armour stands, peeling off her top as she went. “We can either fight, or we can fuck. Either way, we’re gonna end up sweaty and you’re going to listen to what I say when we’re done.” She dropped her chest bindings as the Captain looked up at her with confused, wide eyes that danced over her tits and up to her face. She started undoing the front laces on her pants. “So what’s it going to be?”

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