Ivar and Ubbe

Ivar and Ubbe were outside, axes at the ready. They were planning to barge in and kill Lagertha but upon seeing her little knife Ubbe had an idea. “What if we didn’t have to kill her Ivar?” Ivar got that look in his eye again. The one he gets when he’s angry. “What?” “What if we **** her, make her wish she were dead…..and then didn’t do it?” Ivar paused. “Continue.” “What if we sneak in there, steal her clothes and **** her to run around Kattegat naked. We can lead her into a crowd of people. Aside from being humiliated for being attached to that little thing, she’ll lose her political status. And they’d stop worshipping Bjorn too, because they’d assume Lagertha had passed it on to him. She’d want to die and we’d deny her. She’d live as a recluse.” Ivar smiled. This was far better. “Let’s do it.”

Ubbe and Ivar carefully opened the door to Lagertha’s quarters. They stealthily took every thing that could be used as cover. Clothes, tablecloths, carpets and curtains. They exited and left the door wide open.

Lagertha woke up to the sounds of the bustling market outside her window. She stood up and exited the tub. She went to grab her towel and was met with an empty rack. She went over to her closet and found it empty. Her eyes widened in realization. She scanned the room and saw that anything that could be used as cover is missing. It was then that she heard something terrifying. “Heheheheh!” Lagertha looked up and saw that the door to the markets was wide open and there were two dark skinned women pointing, laughing and wiggling their little fingers. Lagertha quickly slammed both hands over her crotch and ran towards the door to close it. As she neared the door Ubbe stepped out from behind it and before Lagertha could even register what was happening, put his leg out. Lagertha tripped and flipped over onto her back. Disoriented, she used her hands to push herself up. As her eyes adjusted to the light she made out a figure standing over her, then another, then three more until eventually she realized there was a gigantic crowd around her. “So small….” “The futas in my country are small but that’s just pathetic.” “Do you think she can even satisfy a woman?” “That probably doesn’t say much about Bjorn.” Lagertha’s eyes widened. She was in the market! She stood up and ran back inside, only to be met by a locked door. “No, no, no, no!” There wasn’t much that scared Lagertha the Shield Maiden but this, this was a nightmare!