It doesn't happen

“How the fuck did you find a way of moving me that was WORSE than the princess carry?” Fenri complained as Verdi pushed her forward on a wheelbarrow made of ice, the hero clutching her wounded thigh with her one good arm as they made their way back to the bar. After his previous show of masculinity carrying the hero out in a princess carry, he realized that carrying someone with a broken leg and torn tendons would just agitate her injuries further. As much as he wanted to harass her, there were lines you didn't cross. On the bright side, Fenri seemed to hate being wheeled around like a sack of potatoes in a wheelbarrow a thousand times more than being carried like a princess.

Though they had some odd looks from the locals as they passed by, a handful gave Fenri a thumbs up and cheered for her as they passed, likely recognizing her from the arena. Others cursed her out and hoped she died, likely betting against the hero in the arena and losing massively. Though she was getting equal parts compliments and insults, nobody seemed to even acknowledge Verdi’s presence. As bummed as he was, he couldn't say anything. His fight with Evangeline had everyone fleeing in terror, so nobody watched him fight. As for their fight with Bell, he took more hits than Fenri, and played mostly a support role by blinding or disorienting Bell and buffing Fenri’s attack power. It was important, but the sad reality was that ice magic was nowhere near as flashy as the other magic classes, nor was it as eye catching as standard close combat. He cast his eyes downward, pushing Fenri without giving his usual snide remark as she looked up at him.

"Hope your cock’s ready. When we get back and finish healing me, we're having a celebration orgy of a lifetime.” She said as they heard a familiar voice behind them, the clank of steel against sandstone echoing through the area as they turned around.

“Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry, Excuse me.” Varrick said, gently pushing his way to them. Several people yelped, the hot Olskroya sun causing the paladin’s armor to heat up to the point that the slightest touch burned them as he finally reached Fenri. As soon as he reached the hero, he gasped at her injuries. Her arm and her leg had severe compound fractures that had been haphazardly fixed with ice magic and serving as crude casts and low grade healing potions. Her left leg had a gaping hole in it, her femoral artery frozen shut to avoid bleeding out while her tendons were torn to shreds. She wasn’t going to die, but she wasn’t in the best of conditions. “Okay, stay calm, I can fix this. Verdi, can you use ice magic to pin her tendons back together while I hea-”

“Stay the fuck back before I cut you.” Fenri growled, pulling a knife from her inventory and pointing the blade at the paladin with her one good arm, ignoring how impossible it would be to resist. Her voice was filled with venom, each syllable filled with enough bloodlust to kill a child from malice alone. There was genuine hate in her tone as Varrick stared at the knife, letting out a sigh as though this were a routine matter rather than being intimidated by her.

“Oh for the-I told you, healing and life magic are two distinct disciplines. I can’t turn you into a-a-what did you call it?” He asked as Fenri waved her knife like a conductor’s baton.

“Giga-Snail!” She exclaimed as the rest of the party caught up. He could see that Citrinas was worried for them while Daria seemed annoyed that they hadn’t learnt their lesson to heed her warning. As for Belsach, he was cradling their camera as though it were his baby, the goblin making sure to avoid letting the crowd harm the contraption in any way.

“Giga… Snail?” Citrinas asked with a confused voice while Verdi wondered if the term Giga-Snail was more intimidating in her native tongue.

"Fuck life mages, fuck healers, and fuck you! I’m using potions only!” She exclaimed as Verdi frowned. From his point of view, healing magic was superior in almost every way to potions. They healed faster, they didn’t cost money, and learning it only required someone to be favored by the gods. Potions, on the other hand, required rare substances scavenged from the few Verdure dungeons in the world, had to be processed by trained professionals, and still required magic power in their production. Overall it was an incredibly expensive and labor intensive process that required a strong logistical network, while healers just required trained personnel to treat the injured.

"Why do you hate healing magic so much?" Verdi asked, slightly surprised at the hero’s harsh response as they continued walking back to the bar, pushing her forward while watching her wave her knife at Varrick every few seconds.

"I ever tell you the story about my Uncle Osarai and the traitor healer?” Fenri asked, as though this Uncle Osarai would explain her distaste for healers.

"No.” Citrinas answered flatly as Fenri stared at the arch-imago in surprise.

“Seriously? I haven’t told you guys?” She asked, startled at the answer.

“You don’t talk about yourself. You usually just run away from me or throw a knife at my face.” Varrick answered as Fenri looked to Verdi, hoping he knew of her supposed Uncle Osarai. He just shrugged in response.

“Honestly, until now I thought you were raised by wolves and goblins.” Verdi said, giving his own theories as to Fenri’s past. She did say she was trained by a hobgoblin the day they met Belsach, so assuming she was raised by them wasn’t that much of a leap.

"Well, one time my Uncle Osarai got turned into a giga-snail because the castle's healer was a double agent working for the Vau Soari." Fenri said with a shudder, as though the mere mention was enough to scare her.

"The Vau Saori?" Varrick asked, unfamiliar with the term.

"Bunch of madmen who wanted to overthrow the monarchy. Allied with the Demon King to make it happen.” Fenri said as Verdi stared at her, continuing to push her along in his ice wheelbarrow. The Vau Saori wanted to overthrow the monarchy, and they did something to her uncle. It didn’t take a genius to deduce Fenri’s heritage.

"Wait, are you royalty?" He asked with a surprised voice while looking at the hero again, trying to find something that screamed noble about her. Despite his best efforts, he found nothing of note that defined her as royalty of any kind. She was always wearing fur clothing despite her wealth and status as a hero, she had no feminine hobbies to speak of, and her taste in food was best described as prehistoric, enjoying only simple roasted meats. Then there was the fact that she was taller than most, covered in equal parts scars and muscles, and had severely callused hands from a life spent outdoors. She didn’t look like a member of the royal family, she looked like the barbarian that stormed the kingdom and **** the royal family.

"Yeah. My dad was the finance minister. Also, interrupt me again and I'm cutting your tongue off." Fenri warned, dead serious in her threat before rubbing her chin, deep in thought. "Where was I?"

"Your uncle was turned into a Giga-Snail." Citrinas reminded.

"Right. So the spell tore his eyes out of their sockets so the optic nerves were eye stalks, his bones popped out of him and became a shell, and most of the fluid in his body came out of him as slime. Sounded like someone was throwing up, eating chowder, and breaking sticks at the same time." Fenri said, describing the horrific mutation of her uncle with the same tone she used when she described the previous night’s dinner. Though Varrick, Daria, and Verdi were aghast at the description, Belsach and Citrinas were unfazed, as though they had heard of far worse in their travels.

"I'm sorry. I had no idea you had such a traumatic incident." Varrick apologized as the party returned to Belsach’s bar. Cheers filled the bar as they entered, the patrons giving all of them a slap on the back and buying Verdi and Fenri a round of beers or cursing them out for not dying in their last match. Amidst the chaos, they could see Sarah and Eris raising a massive bottle of heavy spirits as they cheered, their table of silver coins now quadrupled in size as Bey quietly grumbled to herself how much she hated both Olskroya and her sisters. As they made their way to Belsach’s private room, Eris raised a paw and made a perverse gesture, fellating the air as Verdi made a mental note to return to the bar when Fenri was done healing.

"The things my uncle did to that healer as payback still gives me nightmares." Fenri continued, relaying her past trauma with a shiver.

"He didn’t die?" Daria asked as they reached Belsach’s private room, the statue of the goblin as perverse as ever as it leered at them from its perch.

"My uncle was also a life mage and a healer. At the time he was impersonating my dad to test our new healer's loyalties. Took him 5 seconds to fix himself.” Fenri explained as Varrick silently rescinded his apology.

"So what happened to the healer?" Citrinas asked innocently as Verdi braced himself for a story of gore and ****. Anyone related to Fenri had to be unhinged.

"Well, the healer was promised a mansion and a hundred acres of land for assassinating my dad, so my uncle made him a mansion on a hundred acres of land." Fenri answered casually, her answer perfectly meeting Verdi’s expectations of anyone sharing her blood. Citrinas, on the other hand, frowned as she tilted her head.

"He gave the healer what he wanted?" She asked as Fenri snorted.

"He made the healer a mansion on 100 acres of land." She repeated with an annoyed voice, as though she were stating something obvious. After a second, it clicked in Citrinas’ head as she looked away.

"Oh." She said softly, dropping the subject entirely..

“Anyway, Princess, open up your Domain. I want a potion bath to heal.” Fenri demanded as the arch-imago began channeling magic power. As Citrinas channeled power, Varrick quickly channeled magic power of his own, hoping to disrupt the spell. Sadly, such a thing was impossible, the city of Olskroya’s debuff leaving him incapable of channeling enough power to destroy the portal.

“We don’t need to spend money using potions. I’m telling you, I can heal you.” Varrick offered again as Citrinas’ Domain appeared, the portal shimmering midair as they saw her alchemy lab reflected within it. As usual, the lab was a mix of advanced and archaic tools that relied on magic over electricity. The bunsen burners were essentially hollow tubes where fire magic could be used to generate a stable flame while the fume hoods to vent noxious gas was just a normal hood that required the user’s magic to pump air out. Most importantly, however, was the fact that the alchemy lab was stationed next to her storage room. Pushing Fenri into the portal, Verdi reshaped the ice wheelchair into a large bathtub as he walked to the alchemy lab’s storage room. Belsach let out an appreciative whistle as he noted how well stocked the room was, counting no less than 30 barrels full of the green healing potions.

“Damn Champ. Why did you need me to invest if you've already got a fortune?" He asked as Citrinas tilted her head in confusion.

“What do you mean? Verdi’s pretty much broke.” Citrinas said, causing Verdi to wince as he tried to ignore her callous remark. He had been in Ruyanei for roughly 2 years, and 1 of those years was spent as Citrinas’ glorified pet. He didn’t have a chance to make any money until recently so it wasn’t his fault, but her pointing out his relative poverty still hurt.

“If you sold those potions you’d have a large fortune on your hands.” Daria said as Varrick looked to the stockroom.

“Did you somehow rob Kolderia’s alchemy guild for all their reagents!?” He asked, still ignorant of the origin of the potions. Rather than let Verdi explain himself, Citrinas chimed in to explain, excited to show off her “discovery” to as many people as possible.

“Verdi can generate alchemical components and process them in his body before secreting them as fully functional potions at the cost of only magic power. If we can level him up and have him make a few kids, we could revolutionize alchemy so we don’t need to rely on Verdure dungeons for ingredients anymore!” She said excitedly, glossing over the fact that she intended to use him as a breeding stud in the name of science. With a sigh, Verdi continued his explanation for why he wasn’t as rich as he could be.

“Also, imagine if some shady alchemist with no known reputation strolled up and tried selling you several barrels full of healing potions.” Verdi said as Varrick sighed, visibly wearier upon hearing his explanation as the paladin grabbed a barrel of potions and poured it into Fenri’s bathtub with one hand.

“Please don’t tell Isoldi you can do that when she arrives. She’s still angry at Fenri for snatching you up, and if she found out you could just generate potions from nothing, she'll probably try to kill Fenri again.” Varrick said, the mere mention of the hero of Commerce’s name causing Fenri to scowl.

“Why the fuck is money-bitch coming?” She asked angrily, sitting up from her bathtub before cursing, clutching her broken limbs to stifle the pain. Had her bones not been broken and her tendons not been torn, she would have attacked Varrick for even mentioning the hero of Commerce’s name, her hatred of her fellow hero transcending her distaste for even their enemies.

“There’s a lot of Monster Lords in the city, and I’m quite sure that Tristiana’s behind it, so I invited Mathias, Harvin, Commerce, Magic, and Justice to come here.” Varrick explained as Verdi perked up, excited to see Mathias again. He'd had a lot of fun with the swordsman in Kolderia, and he was excited to show off his latest inventions. If all went well, he could give Mathias a free sample to take photos of Alka so he could have pictures of his Amazonian beauty plastered around the city. Suddenly, he frowned while looking to Varrick.

“Commerce wanted me?” Verdi asked, surprised that another hero was interested in conscripting him for their team.

“Yeah. Isoldi tried to hire you after you sold her a bunch of potions below market price. She, uh, did not take it well when she found out Fenri conscripted you for her team." Varrick said, unwilling to deliberate further. The fact that Fenri was smirking at Varrick’s words only bode ill omens for the day Commerce arrived.

“So why did you help Fenri find that weird conscription law if you knew Commerce wanted him?” Citrinas asked as Varrick shook his head.

“Fenri found the law herself.” He said as Verdi looked at the hero lounging in the bathtub, shocked that she was not only literate in a foreign language, but capable of reading through legislative texts in search of an obscure law of conscription. Had Varrick not said it himself, there was no way he could believe Fenri was capable of such a feat. Sensing everyone’s stares, Fenri rolled her eyes as she explained herself.

“My dad was the minister of finance, so he taught me how to find loopholes in foreign legislature. Course, I also had elf-bitch helping out." She said with an evil grin.

“Wasn’t Elmeria as shocked as everyone else when you showed up to abduct me?” Verdi asked as the hero chuckled.

“I asked the airhead to give me every book on hero law since I wanted to improve myself as a person, and the fucking idiot did it." Fenri said before chuckling. "Must've sucked to be her when she realized she screwed Princess over." She said, taking a sadistic joy at the thought of Elmeria being manipulated by her.

“She probably didn’t think you could read.” Verdi mumbled to himself as Belsach shook his head.

“Pretty sure she’d tell Fenri which laws she could use if she asked. Dark elves LOVE to serve others.” He said, his pants bulging in size as his mind wandered to better days.

“Belsach, don’t say that. It’s rude.” She scolded as Belsach rolled his eyes.

“What? I’m complimenting them. They’re eternally young, have beautifully thin bodies, and are submissive with a fetish for being dominated. I love them more than anything else in the world.” He said as Fenri rubbed her chin, deep in thought at Belsach’s description of dark elves.

“Hm… A race consisting of short, eternally young, submissive beauties waiting to be claimed by a strong master…” She mumbled, reaching over to Verdi and gingerly pulling him closer to her to begin inspecting skin before pulling him closer to inspect his ears. After a second, Verdi’s initial amusement turned to annoyance.

“What the fuck are you doing now?” He finally asked as Fenri let him go.

“Just checking to see if you have any dark elf blood in you.” She answered mockingly as Verdi stuck a finger in her bathwater. A thread of ice shot out from his finger no thicker than a needle, snaking its way through her bath water before splitting into three separate threads. Fenri abruptly screamed, punching Verdi’s smug face in as she felt ice crystals form on her nipples and clit at the same time. “Fucker!”

“Also, should we really be having 4 heroes and Mathias in one place? What if this is a trap and everyone gets, I dunno, captured?” Verdi asked, fixing his broken nose while Varrick shook his head.

“With them, we’ll actually have 9 heroes in the city in total. Also, Olskroya is neutral ground. If Tristiana was going to spring a trap on us, the Monster Lords would help. Finally, there isn't a trap in the world that can hold Mathias.” He answered flatly as Verdi tilted his head. He didn’t know how relations were in the world with monsters, but the fact that humans, elves, and monsters seemed to be content enjoying the festivities rather than fight was a testament to just how sacred the city’s neutrality was. Still, he couldn’t help but feel wary.

"Which heroes are already in the city?” Citrinas asked, curious to hear about their current strength. Varrick paused for a moment to think, rubbing his head before answering. Despite wearing armor that hid his face, he seemed nervous as he spoke, his voice betraying a hint of shame.

“We have Beauty, Hunt, Axe, Lance, Sword, and Polearm already here. Commerce, Justice, and Magic will be arriving in 14 days. Mathias and Harvin will be stopping by in 8 days.” As soon as Varrick answered her, Verdi could see everyone else in the room wince. While Citrinas just looked away and tried to hide her disappointment, Fenri groaned while facepalming. Even Belsach and Daria couldn’t help but grimace.

“Great. I’m so glad to have the most competent heroes backing me up.” Fenri said sarcastically, her face the literal definition of disappointment as she continued to face palm, praying Varrick was joking. “I got worried you were gonna say someone useful like Music or Smithing were in town. I’m SO glad that instead of having those two, we have the weapon chumps in town.” Normally, hearing Fenri whine about someone being weak and pathetic was normal, so Verdi paid her whining no heed. The fact that Varrick seemed hesitant to correct her review of her fellow heroes was what set the alarm bells in his head.

“Are they really that weak?” He asked as Varrick scratched his neck, his armored gauntlets scratching against the rough, rusted helm he wore to make a skin crawling screech.

“All 4 of them are polite, kind, and noble people.” Varrick said, tactfully avoiding the answer as Fenri shook her head.

“I’m not saying they’re assholes like Commerce. They’re probably the nicest heroes after Bonds. I’m saying I could probably take all 4 of them down on my own with one arm tied behind my back.” Fenri elaborated as Verdi bit his lip. He knew quite well just how powerful Tristiana was considering she outright overwhelmed Citrinas and Fenri. If the weapon heroes were weaker than Fenri, it was likely they’d be more trouble than they were worth. It also meant that buddying up with the Monster Lords would pay off later.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go build Bell's gift. Feel free to leave or watch." Verdi said as Daria gasped, taking a step back as Varrick raised his hand to stop Verdi.

“Gift!? Why are you giving Bell a gift!? What did you say to her!?” She screeched, her previous annoyed attitude at their victory instantly replaced with panic as she shook Verdi like a rag doll.

“Um.. I invited her to the bar because I wanna get her drunk and find out why she’s here. She said something about a white fox, and I think Tristiana called her over. Plus she had that zombie who… Kinda… Sorry Citrinas, now that I think about it, I should have done this somewhere else.” Verdi said, his previous gusto dying off as he saw Citrinas' puzzled expression. She already had a complicated family with her sister becoming a hybrid. Having her see another family member turned art piece was just malicious.

“Oh, don’t worry. I don’t mind Bell’s meat sculpture too much. I just feel awkward having thousands of people stare at a naked sculpture of me.” She said casually as Fenri looked at Citrinas in horror.

“Meat sculpture?” She asked. "That ain't your family?"

“Bell once had me model for a sculpture in exchange for keeping Dreamer locked away. It’s kinda embarrassing having my naked body shown to everyone, but it’s still better than having Dreamer running around.” Citrinas said, refusing to elaborate on the supposed Dreamer that Bell had locked in a box.

“... So where’d she get the meat from?” Verdi asked, knowing already he would regret asking.

“Oh, we took a trip to the Flesh Caverns and harvested it from one of the Wailing Willows after Bell carved it out." Citrinas answered before letting out a sigh of relief. “Luckily for us it only took 3 tries before it grew properly, and the Molguri were nearby, so cleaning up was pretty easy." She said as Verdi and Fenri looked to each other to confirm that, yes, Citrinas was, in fact, spouting the most insane things either of them had heard.

"... There's so many fucked up things in that statement that I don't know where to start." Verdi finally said as Citrinas perked up, eager to explain.

“The Flesh Cavens are pretty much just one massive monster the size of a nation that lives underground and remains dormant. It's got a lot of weird abilities, and just being inside of it will give you a life magic infusion at the risk of growing new things or having your body mutate. Supposedly, the Ancients made it as a super weapon to-"

“Stop." Verdi interrupted.

"But I didn't even talk about the Birthing Forest or how the Wailing Willows-"

"No. I don't want to know. I never want to know." Verdi demanded, refusing to acknowledge the existence of the dormant superweapon living underground. Ignorance was bliss, and the less he knew about Ruyanei’s worst horrors, the better. The fact that Citrinas was treating the beast like an enchanted forest only worried him on just what she considered to be terrifying.

“Look, you don’t need to butter Bell up, she’s an old friend, so she’ll probably just tell us what’s going on if we ask. Don’t leave the Domain, don’t give her a gift, and don’t invite her places as a date. I will tell her you are busy.” Varrick commanded, his voice equal parts worry and fear.

“Bell’s your friend?” Verdi asked, realizing the paladin of their party had a lot of vampiric friends despite his occupation.

“Of course. Why else do you think she was constantly trying to avoid killing you?” Daria asked as Verdi stared at her in silence. After a few seconds, she looked away and coughed awkwardly in her arm, remembering what Bell had done to him. “I told her not to kill Hunt. Guess I forgot to tell her to spare you too." She muttered.

“Don’t mess with Bell. She is a clingy, mentally unwell, nut who will stalk you until the day you die the second you show an iota of affection beyond casual friendship to her since she will think you are her soul mate. Let me talk to her.” Varrick said as Fenri chuckled.

“I can’t wait to fuck her. Crazy girls have the BEST pussy!” She said as Varrick shook his head.

“Fenri, by all that is holy, please listen to me on this. Bell when she’s fighting someone and Bell when she’s in love are two completely different entities.” He begged as Belsach joined them.

“Hate to say it, but I'm with them. Last guy Bell fell in love with was so terrified that he ran to the fucking Collector to get away from her.” He warned as Verdi shrugged. Evangeline wasn’t so bad when you got used to her. Still, he didn’t feel like arguing with them.

“Fine, you can go deal with her. I’ll hide here.” He said as Belsach, Varrick, and Daria left Citrinas’ domain. As soon as they left, Fenri looked to Verdi and rested her chin on the corner of her bathtub, watching him gather supplies from the storage room as Citrinas quietly followed him, writing down what he removed for later shopping.

“I get the feeling Varrick didn’t dissuade you.” Citrinas said, poking her head over his shoulder and studying Verdi as he finished gathering everything.

“We beat Bell. She can’t do shit to us.” Fenri said arrogantly.

“You beat her in Olskroya.” Citrinas reminded before shrugging. “Still, I’m not sure why Varrick is so worried. Bell and I got along great, and she hasn’t done anything weird to me.” She said as Verdi got to work designing his gift for Bell, ready to enjoy the orgy of the century when he was done.

Author's note: Sorry I took so long. I like writing dialogue, and I had to cut out a lot of stuff since the chapter became too big.