It's me, Hondo!

Hondo (at the front of a pirate gang): Who am I...? You mean you don't know me?! ME?! Alright, alright, I can't expect every single being in the galaxy to know me already, I have been in the underworld business for only a couple of years now, it must take some more to be as infamous as Jabba... So, to answer your silly question, my humble self is no other than the rightfully infamous, Hondo Ohnaka!

Hondo is a pirate, who has once succeeded in capturing Dooku, Obi-Wan and Anakin, but failed to ransom them back. He ultimately got his base of operations destroyed by General Grievous and his droid army as ****.

Ranvi: Never heard of him...

Lana: Neither do I...

Hondo: Wha...?! No, no, I can't allow myself to be distracted by the simple mindedness of everybody I meet...! No matter how outrageous they may be...!

Lana: Hm, let me guess... You are the pirate they told us about, right...?

Hondo: Pir, wh, pf, he... PIRATE?! Did you just hear that men? Pirate?! Did she just call me pirate?

Pirate: Yes, boss, she has just said you were a pirate.

Hondo (shooting his man): Insolence! Nobody calls Hondo a pirate! This is an insult! I am no pirate! I am but a humble paralegal intergalactic space entrepreneur, who uses unorthodox means to make his considerable wealth even more considerable! Pirate, pff...!

Lana: I think that's just the definition of a pirate...

Hondo: A...! No, I won't even start this all over...! If you aren't even capable of comprehending the difference between me and an ordinary old fashioned pirate, I am sorry young lady, but you are helpless! Come on calling me pirate, is like calling this blaster in my hand a sling or a bow...! I am not implying I haven't killed men with a sling OR bow before, but still...! You could call me many things, smuggler? Yes! Liar? Sure! Murderer? Without hesitation! But pirate...?! Bah, that is sooo lame and old fashioned...!

Lana: Okay, okay, I get the point, could you just keep quiet for a minute?!

Hondo: And just who are you to think you could just order me around, huh?! I am the one giving orders here!

Ranvi: We were sent by the Republic to deal with the problem you are causing here!

Hondo: Listen to this men! The Republic has sent two girls to deal with us! They aren't taking us seriously at all! What, are you going to ask us twice the price to be fucked or something...?! Though I could use that armour of yours, is that real Beskar...? Aim for them, men! Give me just one partially acceptable reason why not to blast more holes into you both before I do the same with the farmers here!

Lana: We are Jedi, you dumbass!

Hondo: Je... Jedi...?! Are you really Jedi...?! Oh, what am I saying, of course you are Jedi, it was obvious from the beginning...! Your well known wisdom precedes you master Jedi! Hondo may be known for many things, one of them is being the friend of every Jedi in the endless galaxy!

Lana: As if...!

Hondo: Men, what the hell are you doing?! Are you pointing your weapons at our Jedi friends?! I'll have you vacuumed into space for this if you don't lower your damned weapons at once! And... bring us a table! And a chair! No, no, three chairs! And something to drink! Nobody should say my hospitality isn't limitless!

Lana: Quit playing Hondo, you were just trying to kill us a second ago...!

Hondo: Me?! Trying to ki... What?! No, not at all! I am a peaceful man, I would never do such a brutal thing! Only pirates and other terrible people are so barbaric and uncivilised! I only wished to talk to you, honourable representatives of the great Galactic Republic! Now, where are my blasted table and chairs?! We don't have all day, are you trying to waste the time of our Jedi guests?!

Pirates: No boss, we are coming, we are coming!

Hondo (when they put down the chairs and the table): Finally, some civilization is brought to this wilderness! My Jedi friends, please, sit, drink with me, we are all friends here!

Ranvi: You are no friend of ours, Hondo!

Hondo: Why are you so harsh with me, my dear? Haven't I told you of my friendship with Kenobi?

Lana: You know him?!

Hondo: Oooh, Kenobi and I go waaay back, we have a history! He is one of my best friends, just go on and ask him! Oh, I have forgotten we are jamming every communication planetwide, but... Ask him when you return to... Wherever you are going to return to!

Lana (whispering): I don't like this pitiful liar!

Ranvi (whispering): He is acting strange, but we might handle the situation here without bloodshed... That would be rare...!

Lana (whispering): The galaxy would be better without him, he has almost attacked us!

Ranvi (whispering):And if he really knows Master Kenobi? Maybe he isn't such a bad man after all...!

Lana: Alright Hondo, what is it that you want here? And be quick about it!

Hondo: Straight to the point, I already like you girl! Maybe we should spend some time together! Maybe a night even! Maybe with both of you at the same time!

Lana: One more word like that and you will find your tongue in the palm of your hands!

Hondo: I get the point, so I'll get to the point! I don't know what these liar farmers told you about us, but...

Ranvi: They said you released a Rancor onto them!

Hondo: Released a Rancor?! Did they really say that...?! Oh, how great their imagination really is! I didn't release any Rancor!

You give him a disbelieving stare. He stares back and breaks in 5 seconds.

Hondo: Okay, okay, I might have brought the Rancor here...! But I didn't release it! I swear upon my honour as a space entrepreneur!

Lana: Do you have such thing...?

Hondo: Well, technically speaking, no, but that doesn't matter now, what matters is that you can trust me, I am as trustworthy as any Jedi! Or at least as the least trustworthy of them...! Just ask Kenobi...! Oh, and if he brings up that story when I **** him to capture him, that story just... that doesn't count, okay?!

Ranvi: Great...

Lana: So, there IS a Rancor here, right?

Hondo: Yes, there most certainly is a Rancor on this planet! There are many planets with native Rancors...! There is nothing bad about it...!

Ranvi: Except, that the aren't native here! That creature will ruin the balance of nature here!

Lana: I want you to take that Rancor off from this place back to where you have taken it from!

Hondo: About that ehm... There might be a small problem concerning your request...

Lana: What would it be?

Hondo: We no longer have the Rancor in its cage...

Lana: Where is it?!

Hondo: It has broken free shortly after we landed! I didn't want to release it, I swear! It was no more but a bit of a power demonstration!

Lana: Why did you bring the Rancor here in the first place?!

Hondo: That is business secret!

Ranvi: You will tell us or we will help it eat you for dinner today!

Hondo: Threatening me? You girls would make fine addition to my crew! Okay, we came here to steal money and valuable stuff from the locals, we heard there were no military bases here, it was meant to be a simple business operation! But the locals didn't have much to offer us, we couldn't just leave almost empty handed! We got so little, it barely covered our fuel costs! So we tried to threaten them with a Rancor, to work harder and give as their income!

Ranvi: Did you really just bring in a Rancor from an other planet, only to scare the locals into further submission?!

Hondo: Of course! What choice did we have? That was the only reasonable thing to do! Don't tell me you wouldn't have done the same!

Ranvi: How did you capture it in the first place?!

Hondo: One of my men was an ex zoologist, who left his work due to the low pay he got, he knew when the Rancors enter their deep sleep state, which occurs very rarely and lasts for only a couple of days! All we had to do was place powerful shackles onto it, put it in a cage and transport is here! But as it wake up, our restraints were crushed by it! We must have miscalculated our plan a bit...

Ranvi: I can't believe you idiots...! Where is that zoologist? I want to talk to him! Maybe we can find where that Rancor is at the moment!

Hondo: You can't really do that any more sweetheart!

Ranvi: Why?

Hondo: He was the first one our little Rancor devoured when it got free! The poor fellow tried to calm it down, but it didn't work, as you see! Never trust a Rancor, that's what I always say!

Lana: Great...