In white space

“Hey! Heeeeeyyyyy! Pssssssst!”

You groaned and looked around but found nothing but a limitless white void in all directions. “Wha? Where am I?” You asked.

“Yer ded, chief,” said the scrappy disembodied voice.

“Huh? G-God? Is that you?” You asked, quickly feeling disoriented by the weightless suspended state that you were in.

“No… but I might as well be,” the voice replied, “You can call me ‘Administrator,’ if you want.”

“Okay bruh. So what now? I’m totally going to heaven right?”

“What? No… Why would you…”

“Oh come on… Is this because of that Reddit mod I trolled into suicide by hiring private investigators to mess with his life? That’s totally on him bruh. It’s not like I pulled the trigger on the gun he put into his own mouth.”

“… Wow. No, you’re not getting into heaven.”

“Awww man. Why? I’m pretty sure that’s the worse thing I ever did, but the world must have turned out better for it. Less carbon emissions and less one Reddit mod. It’s a win for everyone and the planet.”

“No. Listen. You’re not going to heaven because it doesn’t exist,” said the administrator.

“Oh… hahaha. Oh shit. You had me worried there for a sec. See, I thought that if God was real, the afterlife must be too.”

“Well, it is. That’s why you’re totally slated for hell.”

“WHAT!? How come? You’re telling me that there’s no heaven but there’s hell?”

“Well… Yeah…”

“How does that even make sense….”

“Look chief, there has always only been hell. Heaven is just humanity’s collective wishful thinking.”

“So… Everyone was doomed to hell all along?”

“Yes. That’s humanity’s destiny. Well, for your world anyway.”

“How does that even make sense? It’s not fair!”

“There’s nothing fair or unfair about it. Look at it this way. You lot are a pile of coal. Hell is a furnace. You get shoveled into the furnace. End of story. That’s your destiny. It doesn’t change because you collectively dream of a coal-heaven in the clouds or whatever.”

“But what if some lumps of coal turned out to be diamonds? Huh? Huh? Surely you would pick those out to be put on a pedestal!”

“What! Aughhh… Okay, the coal and furnace thing was a bad analogy. But you’re actually on to something. There’s a reason why you’re here talking to me instead of being tossed into the furnace.”

“Is it because I’m a pretttyyyy diamond?” You asked hopefully.

“No chief… You’re more like nuclear warhead. Hell, you’re like a nuke with the power of a thousand suns packed into your core. It would be disastrous to toss you into the furnace. Absolutely cataclysmic.”

“Okayyy… Am I at least shiny though?”

“Yeah… sure chief. You’re all sparkly and shit. Look, souls are our fuel source. The more sinful a soul is, the better it burns and the more power it generates in hell. But your soul in particular… has some rather unique properties. The Avarice, Pride, and Lust readings are off the charts. Wayyyy, wayyy off. Using the analogy before, we are unable to utilize your energy in a coal-fired furnace. We need a completely new paradigm to extract your sinful energy.”

“Okay, I’m getting bored. Do you serve Champagne around here?”

“Bear with me chief. Our nerds have completed the analysis on your unique soul and we believe we can use you as a source of renewable energy. This is great news for us because hell-freeze is becoming a serious issue for our society due to the proliferation of fossil-souls for our energy needs. Our environmentalists and activists have their panties in a bunch and they’ve gotten so whiny and annoying about hell freezing over that we’ve finally decided to take their concerns seriously.”

“Aha, so I’m a clean, renewable energy?”

“Eh… not exactly. You’re just renewable. Still dirty and hell-freezing, but near infinitely renewable energy. That equals yuuuuuuuge profits!”

“Oh, but I thought…”

“Yeah, yeah, the enviro-nutjobs. We solved that problem by enslaving the lot of them and working them to the bone to replace the fossil-souls powered machines that they hate so much. I mean, you can’t say that isn’t an elegant solution. If you hate sinful emissions so much, use your labor to offset it rather than whine about it. And don’t worry about hell-freeze. It’s right on schedule. We’ve already picked out a new plane to migrate hell to and start the process all over,” said the Administrator.

“Damn! You guys are geniuses!”

“That’s why we’re the lords of your souls and you’re fuel, chief. Anyways, here’s how it’s gonna go down. We’re gonna place you in new worlds and your immense sinful potential will eventually corrupt the world and make them ripe for harvesting. And don’t worry, you’ll have the resources of hell at your beck and call. You’ll be a literal god in these new worlds. How’s that sound?”

“A God? Boy, that sure does sound nifty...”

“Atta boy! Now get down down there and make us new fuel! Our new plane of hell ain’t gonna freeze itself! Hahahahahahaha.”