In-A-Gala-Da-Vida (Part 7: Heaven's Next Goddess)

“It is time to announce the winner!”

The crowd clapped and cheered at Divane as the contestants stood in suspense.

It had been a hard fought competition. Many trials and tribulations, and so many variety acts for the Gods and Goddesses of Heaven to enjoy. Each round had a new elimination until the five acts that remained played off for their chance to be Heaven’s Next Goddess.

As for the arena, the stage they’d performed on was rather large. A huge circular dome type building, with the stage at the front and rows of seats right in front of it, but also two balcony layers higher up as well. All the seats were pointed towards the stage, but everyone’s eyes were at the back of the arena. Divane didn’t want to move from her seat, which was on the upper balcony in her own private booth directly opposite the contestants. She was a large enough presence that no one had trouble seeing her though it did mean they had to crane their necks.

“Let’s just get the last places out of the way quickly.” She continued, reading from her piece of paper, “In fifth and fourth place: Akutsan and Merlobia respectively!”

The two to Aqua’s left were crushed. It wasn’t a massive surprise that Merlobia had been eliminated after such a problematic performance. Hindsight is 2020, but at the same time the catlike deity really shouldn’t have incorporated laser beams in her disco show if she didn’t want to get distracted and chase the dots. Akutsan getting fifth was much more of an upset, the poor wind goddess had been a favourite to win with her amazing juggling show.

With both of them out, Aqua had a chance.

There could only be one winner. Even second place got nothing but a fancy badge as a runner up prize, while the winner got to become a deity. Aqua just wanted it so badly. Over the weeks she was the only one to not go for one perfect trick, but a variety of many: Water had shot from the crowd’s and even Divane’s heads, she’d created a paper masche rideable dragon, even created a beautiful water show with some fish that Gaia had smuggled from an underwater Earth realm.

“Better luck next time, darlings.” Divane cooed as the spotlights that had been illuminating Akutsan and Merlobia were shut off, leaving their sad faces behind to continue the show, “Now, in third place we have…” A drumroll from the house band near the front of the stage began as Aqua clenched her staff tightly, “Natales!”

All eyes were on the woman to Aqua’s right, “W-what?!” Her jaw was low, clearly upset by her ranking and not taking it very well. Natales was the ‘sob-story’ of the competition, and another to win the whole thing based on that alone. She was the only contestant that had been mortal. Living as a human before earning godhood after spending her years as a lowly monk. No friends, no family, no connections bar her one religious idol: Divane. She was more seen as a massive suck up, especially as her talent had been ‘reading poetry about Divane', so Natales was far from the people’s champion.

Still, she clenched her Divane Medallion and looked pleadingly to the booth, “My Goddess! That can't be righ-!”

“Never. Question me. Again.”

Biting her lip in fear, much of the room’s whimsy had been sucked out from that threatening snap. Divane’s flowery tone had vanished in that moment as she spoke seriously towards the ex-human, and all could see the final image of her upset face as the light above her was shut off.

Aqua probably should have felt pity, but she was feeling a little too excited.

A light began emitting above the crowd of deities. High above them a glowing staircase emerged, leading directly from the stage upwards to Divane’s throne box. The blonde Goddess elegantly strutted, taking the time to shift a hand through her hair and let it sparkle down to the enamoured audience.

Soon enough, Divane was between the two. Standing much taller than them, and twirling back around to the crowd with all the divine elegance she was known for.

“It’s been a long fight between these two lovely contestants! No matter who wins and who loses, these two have become Goddesses in all your hearts~” said Divane, an 'aww' emenating from the crowd. She kept microphone in hand as she guided the audience to look down to her left shin are. "To my left, we have an enigmatic and wonderfully diverse act! She wowed you all from the start with her crowd work and ability to give us a new set of party skills every round of the contest! Straight from the souls department... give it up for AQUAAAA!!!!"

The roar of the audience had become rather intoxicating for the bluenette. She quickly began waving around her hands as they clapped and cheered for her beaming face.

"And on my right, she's definitely the most unique acts of all of all the contestants! Her rock music perhaps wasn't to my tastes, but the reactions from all of you has kept her high on the leaderboards the entire contest! Punk, cute, and all in such a tiny package~! I want you all to make some delightful noise for GAIAAAAA!!!!"

Once more the cheering overtook the crowd. Gaia didn't eat it up anywhere near as much as Aqua, instead just giving a single two fingered salute as a response. All while chewing on some tobacco she'd created earlier. It was hard to say who had a bigger cheer as the mood was seemingly taking over everything, but Gaia didn't seem to care anyway. Instead just looking over to her friend and giving a single thumbs up.

Aqua and Gaia had fought hard to get here. So many weeks, months, and human years were dedicated to perfecting their acts. The hard work Gaia had put in to helping Aqua develop new skills like talking to fish or creating egg carton structures, from magic spells to magic tricks, Aqua had worked her butt off to try and be the best. In turn, Aqua had helped come up with rhythms for Gaia's music. Anytime she wasn't working on taking care of souls in her job, Aqua was down in Gaia's house either working or drinking. They'd become very close, and if there was anyone that she wanted to maybe lose to, it was Gaia.

“We collected all the votes from Gods, Goddesses, the audience, and finally my esteemed committee… this result is a culmination of all those points combined. I have in my hand the name of the deity that will join us in Heaven as your Next Goddess!"

Fingers crossed, dancing in place, Aqua was ironically praying to whoever would listen. So desperately wanting it to be her. All while her friend just continued to chew her tobacco.

"Your winner is..."

The tension was high. The air in the room electric. Everyone was on the edge of their seats for the next word...

"GAIA!”

And just like that, Aqua was crushed.

The absolute hollers and cheers from an elated audience were just knives in her soul at this point. She was happy for her friend as the light above her went out, but knowing she'd be back at the her job she hated tomorrow, and for all eternity, was a bit of a mood killer.

Already, the dark stage that Aqua was now a part of began to envelop her world view. Being quietly shuffled to the back with the other losers by an angel with a clipboard.

Her story truly did end here. While Gaia's was just beginning...

The crowd's cheers didn't stop. Confetti and roses being thrown to the plant girl's feet as the ceremonial winner's crown was placed on her head. The last thing Aqua saw before the door shut was Gaia stepping forwards to the front of the stage's microphone while waving elegantly to the crowd.

So she didn't hear what Gaia said to the crowd first.

“You’re all so fuckin’ stupid.”

…

“What did you just say?”

Gasps and shock had overtaken the once happy crowd. So much tension and surprise was flooding the room after Gaia’s outburst. She didn’t seem remorseful about it, practically repeating the words with her glare as she frowned to the crowd.

“I told you to repeat yourself!” Divane once more roared, stamping her foot towards the smaller green haired woman. "What did you just say you little-?!"

After no response, the giantess took one step towards Gaia.

CR-CRAACKKK RIPPPP FFTTT CCRSHHH FT FT FT

Her approach stopped immediately. Pointed vines, thick green tree trunks, and snapping giant flytraps suddenly grew from under the stage. Tearing the wood to smithereens and completely blocking even the huge Divane. Crisscrossed vines creating a mesh to still see the blonde, but she was unable to pass through the seal.

“Don’t worry, ya dumb bitch. I’ll say it again to get it through even your thick skull.” Gaia spat, flipping the massive woman off before turning back to the crowd to yell into the microphone once more, “You are all FUCKIN’ STUPID!”

Once more, gasps and shock reverberated through the crowd. Most of them were Gods and didn’t feel particularly threatened by the punk rocker, but there was a collection that had begun to evacuate under the assumption things would go awry fairly soon. Also some thought this was part of the show and were clapping.

“Did you really think I’d join you?! Did any of you cunts even listen to my bloody songs?! They were all about how much I hated Divane and her idiotic followers!”

Some confusion seemed to pass through her audience.

“We all thought you were just sucking up to Divane by writing songs about her!” Shouted some stranger in the dark mass of audience.

“Piss off! Ah’m not ruddy Natales!” Gaia snapped right back, “How did you not realise with mah fuckin’ song titles?! ‘Goddess Of Suffering’, ‘Purgatory Has Better Management’, ‘The Bitch In Charge Is The Absolute WORST!’?!”

Thumping against the vines, one Goddess had a bit of an objection to raise, “Excuse me?! Those were about ME?!”

“OBVIOUSLY! You! Are! The! WORST!" She dramatically pointed to the woman, "A Goddess that only won the popular vote to become our leader because you promised a thousand things you never followed through on!” Growled the punk, “Whatever happened to teleporters down to the bottom floors?! Rotating shifts so one lowly worker isn’t stuck on cleaning duty for all eternity?! Or any of the holiday time you promised your fuckin' angels!”

A murmur had begun, which made Divane’s stomach sink. She’d coasted by for a while without anyone bringing those topics up, mostly thanks to the iron fist punishments she was known for... and now some people were reminded that she had in fact promised those things.

“I-I’ve been very busy!”

“No! You haven’t!” Gaia stamped her tiny foot against the wood, “She delegates fucking EVERYTHING! Mostly to her poor overworked interns like Palutena! She never does anything but practises her terrible singing for stupid events like this!”

More rumbles from the crowd, and angry light daggers had begun slicing up the vines from Divane, “That's it! You are disqualified from the tournament!”

To drown her out, Gaia played a note on her electric tree guitar, still plugged into the amp system of the stage, “There was no way I'd ever be a Goddess like you idiots are! As long as this asshole sits on the throne, I wouldn't ever be free to be me! Plants need room to grow, and her tyranny forces us all to live in utter shit!”

“How DARE you?! You don’t know what it’s like to be in charge!”

“Ah know what it’s like to be tortured!” She yelled into the microphone, playing the guitar louder than the woman’s rage, “There’s reports that Divane has been singing for the souls that are supposed to be resting in peace! Last time I checked, only Hell tortures their victims!”

“YOU HAVE CROSSED THE LINE!”

The room was pure white.

Blinding purity scorched the air, dazzling all eyeballs that happened to exist in a 30 mile radius of Divane. It was impossible to tell what had happened, but from the sounds of burning tree trunks falling and calm steps over pained groans… Gaia knew Divane was approaching her.

“G-get away!” She barked, but with her eyes still only showing pure white there was no way to know where Divane even was. Sending vines and leaves from her body in hopes she'd hit anything, “Ah mean it!” There were trees growing, whips lashing out in any direction it could, but the wild punk’s attacks did nothing.

Her vision came back just in time to find herself trapped.

A large circle of symbols surrounded her feet, and from the edges the light poured upwards. Gaia tried to slam her hand into it, but knowing it was the Head Goddess’ move there was no **** of power Gaia could muster to break it. All she could do was hiss at the woman from behind her cage.

“Gaia. You are herby banished from Heaven for crimes against the ruler!” Divane announced. "Your powers will be stripped from you and you shall be sent to the mortal realm, where you’ll spend the rest of your pitifully short days as a lowly… human!”

Gasps and shocked tones came from the audience. One person even threw up. It was the most horrible thing most of them could think of, so to see it happen in person was too much. But instead of joining with the horror Gaia just grit her teeth at Divane.

“It don’t matter what happens to me! Just do it already you oversized-ass shithead!” Gaia spat back, making the woman cup her rear in shock, “Ah made the audience see you today! See who you really are! They may live in your thick shadow today, but one day someone will stand up ta ya! Everyone will get sick of living one more day in the afterlife with you in charge! It’s just a matter of time. And we're eternal, baby.”

Even facing oblivion as a mortal, Gaia held no fears for her future. She’d already arrived at the talent show expecting to die for her cause.

The crowd was restless. It was clear that there was certainly some level of truth to Gaia’s words. Though her punishment was now, a spark of rebellion had been lit by the punk.

And Divane knew it.

“Hmph. You think you’ve won by losing?” the blonde was tapping her foot before laughing lightly to herself, “How droll~ And here I thought you’d at least give us a show in your final moments. You know, I don’t think you’ve won over even a single person today.”

“Keep talking, fat lips.”

The blonde was clearly agitated, but managed to keep her rage to just a single eyebrow spasm, “You think juvenile insults makes your argument more valid? I say let’s put your words to the test, you tiny harlot!”

Divane snapped her fingers.

A single beam of light appeared near the front of the stage. Right beside the one Gaia was trapped in, suddenly appeared… her best friend.

“Eh? What? What’d I do?!”

“Aqua?!” Gaia gasped, slamming her hand against the light again, “You leave her outta this!”

Giving no mercy at all, Divane just looked at her nails, “She’s clearly been conspiring with you, so she deserves the same punishment.” she shrugged, “Humanization for the both of you. A short life on a boring little mortal realm… although, that is… IF little Aqua has been affected by your words.”

The minx just smiled down at Gaia, who raised a brow at the tall woman.

“Since Aqua happens to be in a nice little ring of truth, she won’t be able to lie at all. She’s heard all of your stories, all of your passions. So surely of all the people here, she’d be most willing to forgo this entire ‘Goddess’ life and join you as a martyr?”

All eyes were on the blue haired girl. She was terrified, looking between Divane, the crowd, and Gaia with shaking legs and tiny pupils.

Her friend slammed her hand against the side of the light. “Aqua, I’m sorry!” Gaia growled, “Ah didn’t mean ta get ya involved! I wanted you to… gah! Look, I-I’ll take care of you down there! I’m sorry ya don’t get ta follow your dream, but at least we’ll be together! At least…” She was clearly pained, and Aqua wanted to reach out and support her, but Divane’s laugh made her recoil her hand in fear.

“You speak as though she’s made up her mind!” Divane bellowed, “Yet we’ve still to ask her the question!”

As the blonde giant turned to her, Aqua squeaked in terror.

“Little Aqua. Would you like to join your friend on the mortal realm and live a pathetically short life? Or, as our runner-up winner, do you wish to become a Goddess?”

“The second one.”

Her hand flew to her mouth. Trying to slap the words she’d said back into their horrid home but it was too late. Aqua saw as her heartbroken friend gasped, locking with her teary disappointed eyes.

The world had ground to a halt as Aqua wanted to say something, anything to make it better, but nothing came out of her mouth.

In that moment, Gaia saw her rebellion crumble. Those in the crowd that had been looking like they’d been swayed now looked content. Divane had won, even Gaia’s number 2 didn’t believe in her cause, so why should they? Aqua’s greed had doomed her final act as a deity.

“G-Gaia…”

She couldn’t even look at the blue haired girl. “...fuck off, you damned Goddess. I hate your guts.”

Chuckling at her victory, Divane once more snapped her fingers, “Don’t feel bad love. She was simply jealous of my beauty and grace. Making lies up to suit her narrative, even a fool could see it was nonsense!”

The snapped fingers cause Gaia’s body to slowly lift up. Light covering her body, glowing brighter and brighter every second. The punk girl could do but one final act: flipping off everyone in the crowd. It was crass, but cathartic for her.

And as her final moments in Heaven drew to a close, she could see her ex-friend quivering in place. Aqua’s final sight of Gaia was her angrily pointing her middle finger to her and then vanishing in a beam of light.

The crowd clapped at Divane’s victory. She took a large bow to her audience, soaking in their praise and approval as Aqua could only stare at where her friend had just been.

Back to the present...

The gala’s energy was electric. Never in however many years had one been so exciting as this, with literally everything to play for and the future on the line.

At the starting line there were many different shapes and sizes of Harem Knight, with around twenty applicants all ready and waiting to put their harem on the line for a chance of glory. Many of the nobles had chosen to become their own knight’s to have their seed be the one that carries forward, and these were weak men now. Older or fatter than those houses that had chosen a new Knight to carry the future, as was the original intent of the programme. Some were clearly self conscious about this fact as the room watched their naked bodies step up to the starting line.

“Even with them, this isn’t going to be easy,” Kazuma mumbled to Aqua, “We’re going to have to come up with some strict strategies so we aren’t left behind by our point disadvantage.”

“Mhmm.”

"I think we should try and play to our one advantage and get as many multipliers as we can. While everyone else focuses on getting big number on the important person, we go for combos and get the biggest body count with all the varied sex moves we can. You good with that plan?"

"Mmhmm."

Her uninterested shrug made Kazuma tighten his eyes, “Oi, are you listening? You may as well leave this to me if you’re going to half-ass this.”

“I’m not going to be lazy!” She snapped back, waving her strap-on at the man, “I know how serious this is!”

“Indeed it is, Lady Aqua.”

The two turned to see a very stocky boy standing bravely with his hair blowing in a heroic wind. His muscles were quite defined, almost looking like an action figure of himself with an almost generic hero build. The reaction from the females in the crowd was quite loud from how attractive the man was compared to so many other men around him. Mitsurugi was wearing his serious face as he stared determined towards the doors that were about to be opened.

“I intend to win both the contest and your heart, Lady Aqua.” He announced, “The sooner that good hard working women are out of the hands of that demonstrable pervert, the better. With all the power that pumps through my veins, and all the faith I have in my heart, I shall win this contest for the honour of House Donnelly!”

“Average penis.”

The wind was immediately knocked out of Mitsurugi’s sails. Practically turning him to stone from the comment hurting him so badly. With the man’s average heroic build came an equally average wang, nothing bad by any means but somewhat disappointing for those that had a different fantasy from the brave hero.

Kazuma basically wanted to use his dick as a cane. He was that cocky right now. Twirling it around, leaning on its length, doing a little dance, if he could have he would have but there wasn’t the time. It was pretty obvious that many women in the crowd had seen his third leg and were reconsidering their opinions of the silly adventurer they’d written off as a joke.

“I-it’s what you do with it…” The taller man mumbled, deciding to just move back to his original position at the front of the pack of Knights before the doors opened for real. All while Kazuma grinned evilly at him from behind.

Aqua still had her arms folded under her breasts in a huff, “Whoever that guy was, Kazuma, he may have a point.”

“Yeah? But my point is much bigger, hehehehe.”

The lecherous smile of the boy didn’t deter her from giving him a serious look. His smile faded away as their eyes locked, similar to how the rest of the world seemed to fade away. Only vague sounds of the King counting down the last few seconds before the doors opened could be heard.

"EVERONE GET READY! STARTING IN THREE...!"

“Kazuma.” said Aqua, a resolve in her voice that Kazuma hadn’t heard before, “Whoever gets the most points between us two should keep the harem for themselves.”

"TWO...!"

Her words hung heavy between them. From the crowd, Darkness could see something was happening between them but she had no way to tell what, and it was making her worried as the contest’s final pre-moments counted down. Their eyes locked on each other with serious expressions.

“Aqua, what the hell are you talking about?”

“ONE!”