I wanted something sexy to happen!

Are you kidding? You don't know who or what you're dealing with, do you? Well, that much is obvious just from you being here.

Tell you what, though. I'm a very generous witch! You saw how nice I was to Player, right? If you haven't read Umineko yet, just know that I'm that nice the whole way through it.

Anyway, since I'm so generous, I'll tell you about an exciting new Lambdadelta chapter I'm writing. That's the one you were waiting for, right? You've had to make do with second-stringers like Zepar and Furfur until now! I feel sorry for you, really. This story is gonna have everything you could want. Honestly, I have no idea how I'm gonna give it all the tags it needs.

I don't wanna spoil the surprise, but let me at least tell you where it happens. Kinzo unveils a new slip-and-slide dungeon in the basement of his mansion! All of those Ushiromiyas packed for the beach, so everyone's got their swimsuits ready. And who decides to make an appearance, but... super-ultra-cute swimsuit model, Lambdadelta-sama! Wow! If it's that small, can you call it a swimsuit? No peeking! Hey, Battler! What are you doing with that hose? You perv!!

Please look forward to my writing debut! I'm working on it a little bit at a time every day. Now, you know time is a little different for witches like me, but I'm determined to get this out to my adoring public as soon as possible. So, please be satisfied when I tell you it'll be just

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Y E A R S.

What's that? You made a funny noise just now. That was a sigh of contentment, right?

Oh, duh! You're a human! I don't talk to them that often, so I totally forgot.

So, yeah, let's talk about your options. One that seems especially popular these days is cryogenics. Imagine, saying goodbye to your loved ones, putting yourself on ice, and waiting for that fateful day when you get thawed out! That kind of excitement is worth the sacrifice, isn't it?!

Another one I've heard is really popular is the blood of the young. No, I'm not talking about becoming a vampire: you're a human, and that's a fantasy. I've just heard that certain rich old guys found a way to prolong their lives by infusing themselves with the blood of the young. I'm sure you can round up some donors if you try hard, right? I'm certain of it!

You should also consider uploading your consciousness to an AI. I dunno if it'll really be you in there or not, but if not... some lucky robot is really gonna love that hose scene!

Oh, and I guess I should mention, all of these things cost a lot of money. But can you really put a price on my literary debut? For a real Lambdadelta superfan, money is no object! Now is the time to start saving up. If you start a company, make it big, invest wisely, and don't give any of it away, I think you can afford to extend your life by the time you're... maybe ninety-two in human years? Give or take.

I'm glad we had this talk, and I'm looking forward to seeing you give me my first like!

That seems like it'll take a while, though. For now, why not bring back our old buddy Player?