I knew from aprevious experience

Back then there were no known venues for queers . Perhaps , indeed probably there were , in London ; provincial cities' homosexuals would find , if they could , partners by instinct while remaining fearful and vigilant against exposing themselves to social ostrasisation or even legal hazard - the laws that saw Oscar Wilde in jail remained in effect .

Occasional homosexual outreach did happen in cinemas - a raincoat casually placed to be followed by the warmth of a thigh pressed against a thigh then a light hand on the knee followed ,if no resistance arose ,by a caress up the inner thigh and skillful fondling of a ( young and so quickly aroused ) cock .

But such encounters , while exciting in recollection and a basis for hope were neither predictable nor a match for my increasingly specific and detailed fantasy . I needed a man . One in front of whom I could dress in unmistakably female underwear . And who would then see me as obviously open to being sexually submissive to him while being equally inexperienced and requiring his stern lead .

And I had a man in mind .

He was the janitor and groundsman for the school sports field . He had approached me when I had been early for practice and asked if I wanted to see ' something interesting under the stands ' . While raising this he also plucked a small cake of dry mud off my rugby shirt . That gesture could have been interpreted as simply courteous but I still recall how intensely personal it felt to be an open invitation for sexual contact . ( I have since exploited such seemingly innocent gestures as invitations).

This happened three years earlier and during that interval I not only regretted that I had shied away from him but had introduced him into my fantasies . And as the actual man had been a rough bullying person ( wrestling with boys in the changing rooms ) his appearnance in my masturbatory reel was easily made - physically and emotionally dreaming of him controlling my scantily clad , and deliciously vulnerable body .

Knowing he liked boys . Knowing where he worked . Knowing what time of day he woud be alone all fueled my desire . Only fear , and a plan of approach needed attention .