I don't know

A small tear escaped her eye. "I don't know. I know I should know. I should want to burn him. You know he made me have sex for the first time, not with him but with someone from the chess club."

My eyes were stunned. "He took your virginity?"

She cried a bit more. "Yes. Your the only one I have told that."

"Then shouldn't you wanna help-"

"But, that's not the end of it. I am stronger now. You know Sarah almost lost her virginity recently but I saved her," Lisa said, a twisted smile forming on her face. "It was the game that made me stronger. Made me the person that was able to protect her. Maybe, it isn't so bad."

"You're logical, that's stockholm syndrome, you know that, or PTSD!" I said.

"Yes, you're right again. Maybe I was too quick to call you an idiot. I'm sorry," she said. "But it doesn't change. I enjoy playing Samuel chess. I enjoy protecting Sarah. I enjoy the life I have now."

"And you'd give up your ethics for that?" I asked, trying to push. I really needed her help and she was clearly under his influence, even if it wasn't the book, his twisted ideals had influenced her.

She tilted her head. "But, I am happy. You want me to risk this, to help you? I may not be an expert on morals but isn't making demands of former victims a pretty unethical thing to do?"

"I...I..." I paused.

"Your asking me to risk my happiness, but are you asking for the future victims or for yourself? If I were to lose my happiness from helping you. Would you risk your freedom to save me?" she asked.

My face twitched. I wouldn't have to make that call. If we destroyed the book. We would all be free. "We could all be free-"

"I asked how you would react, but I understand. Of course I do. It makes sense. You wouldn't risk yourself for others. Who would? You don't want to say that because your eager to convince me. You're the worst," she said getting up.

"Wait!" I said through my closing throat. How to reply.

"I admit it. I have ethical issues and I am sorting through my trauma right now. But at least I am honest about it. Are you willing to face your own darkness? Even Samuel is at least honest about what he does. Anything else Tessa?"

I just.... what could I say. I began crying. I needed help. I wanted help. Why was getting help so hard!

"Thank you for the game of chess, but I think I will excuse myself for now. Like I said. Protect Kat, she is your key to winning the game," Lisa said before walking away.

I just cried in the library. I wasn't evil. I wasn't! I was just a normal girl trying to survive! I wanted my freedom back.