I came something something wrecking balls

One day, you decide to try out a Mellee-based character build.

There are two main ways to develop the mellee skill tree: Assasin, emphasizing movement speed and backstabbing, and Kettler, emphasizing tanking and knockback. Sinking skill points into mellee now, while you're still low level, gives you access to the core abilities of both builds, with the expectation that you'll focus on some and neglect others as you level up.

Which means that right here and now, in the tutorial mission, while you and the other players are all still reasonably low level, is the perfect time to go hog wild with both sets of abilities. Sure, your damage output will be low, but so will everyone else's defenses.

And speaking of defenses, you know that, in general, there are two types of player here: The pussies, who leave the safety features engaged, and the hyper-realists, like you, who want to feel some form of pain, even if it's not especially realistic or incapacitating, as each bullet enters their body. Both types of player will be useful to you, in their own ways, as you wrap this game's systems around your finger and jill yourself off with that hand. But it's helpful to figure out early on which players are which.

Fortunately, you use your advanced understanding of gameplay mechanics and keen psychological insight to devise an elegant and reliable way of categorizing players according to their safety preferences.

"SAFETY CHECK!" you yell, as you kick the teammate in front of you in the groin.

"SAFETY CHECK!" you cry, swinging your riot baton up into another player's crotch.

"SAFETY! FUCKING! CHECK!" you scream as you repeatedly punch MilladyKiller69 in the dick as he cowers on the ground. He definitely looks more confused than hurt, the coward.

"This doesn't seem safe at all," he sputters, before you slam your elbow down on his balls, sending him back to spawn.

Level up! You are now Level 4!

"Shit." You've been trying not to get any more kills, now that you've mastered movement and basic combat. According to the FAQs, once you hit Level 6, you'll be locked out of this mission unless you create a new character. And while that is the eventual plan, right now, you're having far too much fun writing checks for your body to cash later. You can see it on players' faces when they recognize your avatar or gamertag. Word's already gotten around. You're an absolute monster on the battlefield. But if they can break you? They can have you.

"Later, losers," you say to the players you left alive. They're the ones who went down and couldn't get back up right away. Clearly not pussies. "I'll be in the vault, if you think you have what it takes to go one-on-one with me!" Maybe they'll actually try to come duel you. Maybe they'll team up to take you down. Either way is fine with you. It's more about the process, than the results, at this point.

"SAFETY CHECK!" Thunk! "GOTEEM!"

Twenty minutes later, you're bored as shit.

For some mysterious reason, not one single player whose nuts you bashed in has decided to take you up on your generous offer for some one-on-one competitive gameplay.

"MOVE OUT!"

"GET HER!"

"SUPPRESSING FIRE!"

The bank vault is a little cul-de-sac off the critical path through the Mission. Mostly intended as window-dressing, you suspect. You're meant to run past the vault, maybe glance in while exploring and think "yup, that's a big pile of money and gold and jewels, all right," and then continue down the back hallway to the bank manager's office, where the terrorists are setting up the bomb.

"ADVANCING!"

"REPOSITIONING!"

"MOVE IN!"

Said terrorists are mostly just for show, of course. When they're killed, infinitely more of them will respawn, just so it always feels like there's someone trying to stop the newbie players from disarming the bomb.

"STOP HER!"

"GET HER, MEN!"

"OPEN FIRE!"

Unfortunately, both the enemy AI and their spawning system are so poorly implemented that it's easy to glitch both, making it possible for a savvy player to gin up a situation in which there are four times as many terrorists as there should be, they can't pathfind their way around the corpses of their fallen brethren to get out of the bomb room, and they're all the Grenadier variant that only has a 1 in 16 chance of spawning, likely intended as a surprise twist to ramp up the tension and keep newbie players on their toes.

Yet another player runs past the vault hallway without even so much as a glance in your direction.

"GGGGRRREEENNNAAADDDEEE OOOUUUTTT!" Sixteen enemy terrorists all shout the same line at the same time, causing the voice sample to play much too loudly, and with a nasty overlapping reverberation. Sixteen contact grenades, each strong enough to knock down a level 5 player so their peers can try out the "Revival" mechanic they'd learned by using it on an NPC two rooms back, all explode at the same time, causing a split-second of lag, followed by sixteen times the usual density of particle effects.

You take this moment to go into the config options menu, and mute the enemy voice barks.

But as the smoke clears, you see something you weren't expecting. Instead of being reduced to gibs, this particular player is still alive, crawling on his hands and knees as he falls back towards the bank vault corridor.

"Uh... can I get a revive?" he asks. From his nonchalant reaction to getting blown up 16 times over, he's definitely one of the weaklings with the pain settings turned off.

"Like, ohmigod!" You slide down from your pile of treasure and consider the player. "How did you survive that?"

"I-I'm level 100," he says, "T-This is a level 100 Quest."

"That would be quite a trick," you tell him, "considering the Level Cap is 60."

He sighs. "You're smarter than you act. All right, fine. I'm at the level cap. Are you gonna help me up or not?"

"Tell me how you got into a Level 1-to-5 Mission first."

"We don't have time! I'm about to bleed out!" He seems really uncomfortable about dying, for some reason. "Just help me up, and I'll tell you everything, I promise!"

"Aw, poor baby," you simper, gliding elegantly over to him in your high heels. "Of course I'll help you up! Come to mama..."

His body language starts to relax, but then he stiffens again when you pull down his pants. "This is no time for role-playing! I'm about to DIE!" In spite of his protests, you are delighted to discover him sporting an awkward no-reason boner.

"Mmmm... who's the doctor here?" You place your hands close to the spot on his back that triggers the Teammate Revival sequence, and as the animation plays, you slowly run your tongue all up and down his shaft. Just as he's starting to relax and give in to the unwanted blowjob, you pull your hands and your mouth away. "Oops! Butterfingers! I'm so bad at this game!"

"You bitch," he mutters, punching the ground in frustration. "What are you trying to do to me!?"

"I just bought you thirty seconds," you say, dragging your fingertips along his cock before giving it a gentle slap. "Now talk. Or I'll make sure you spill your guts, one way or the other."

"What do you want to know?"

So he starts telling you his secrets. Reluctantly, at first, then with increasing pride in his voice. You re-start the revival animation every 20 seconds, resetting the clock on his **** sequence. Boys are so simple. Once he starts to brag about his exploits, you barely need to touch his dick to keep him hard. But you do keep him hard. You want him sexually frustrated and ready to pop all throughout this entire thing. You don't give him a moment to think straight.

He tells you how to glitch your way into a lower-level mission by re-speccing your character and then not assigning any skill points. He tells you how he reached the level cap 2 days after launch by repeatedly killing a Raid Boss intended for entire teams of players, thanks to a flaw in the boss room collision geometry that gave him a safe spot to stand. He tells you how to duplicate items, and even glitch their stats, but exploiting the glitch takes 2 minutes per weapon level, and glitched weapons get reset to normal every time you die. He tells you how to clip through walls and objects by exploiting the physics engine, and warns you how to do it in a way less likely to get you permanently stuck in the level architecture. He duplicates a set of Golden Akimbo Uzis for you, and explains that while they're mediocre compared to other weapons available to level 60 characters, they're probably the best weapon in the game that's usable by all classes.

"Unfortunately," he says, "in order for me to give you the weapons, you're going to have to actually Revive me. I can't initiate a trade request while I'm bleeding out."

You chuckle. "All right," you chide, "as long as you're a good boy." You can tell he's warmed to you, hard-on or no hard-on, bragging about his expertise over these past minutes. "Help me take down these terrorists, and maybe I'll even let you cum."

"Yeah, why are there so many of them in the bomb room, anyway?"

"I know, right? It's so weird!" You give him one final slap on the back, and he stands up. He doesn't even put his cock away before initiating the trade request. Two golden Uzis for free. You mash Accept, and they appear in your hands with an abstract gun-click sound.

"Now, how are we going to get past these guys?" he asks, turning towards the doorway as his health slowly begins to refill.

You suddenly backstab him in a glorious takedown animation with your wrist-mounted assassin's daggers, then quick-switch to the Uzi and empty both clips into the back of his skull.

"Oh, COME ONE," he says, falling back down to his hands and knees as you nail the rapid-reload mini-game, gaining bonus damage on your next attack with the Uzis. "I told you everything I know! I even gave you some top-tier loot! What more could you possibly want from me!?"

"I want to reward you," you say. "So I'm going to give you something not every male is man enough to ever experience."

"What's that," he asks warily. Then he gasps as you pick him up from behind by the neck. You know well from experience what being squeezed there does to you. The way it sends a surge of adrenaline flowing through you, like being trapped in a monster's jaws. And now, here in this game, you have the strength to pick his entire body up by the neck while doing it. All with no risk of injury. You hope somebody does this to you soon, so you can feel what it's like.

"I'm gonna make you feel like a girl."

You slowly push the tip of your uzi into his butt. Not up his anus, but literally pressing it against his butt-cheek until it clips inside. The game doesn't know which player's movements are supposed to take priority, so it tries to solve for both players' intentions at the same time, sort of shuddering back and forth from one answer to the other, as the "correct answer" gets "proven wrong" by the other player's movements literally every physics frame.

"What the fuck!?" he shouts, "What are you doing back there!?"

"I know you've got Pain turned off, but you can feel something inside you right? Some sort of movement or pressure?" You repeatedly ease up before pushing it back in again, and watch how his cock twitches in response. "Funny thing about the G-spot. It's sometimes hard to find, in women. But in men? Triggering the equivalent bundle of nerves near the prostate is almost comically easy to find..."

"Wait... wait!" he pants, "I don't want this! I-I'm not ready for this! I--"

You pull the trigger on the uzi. Time slows to a crawl for the two of you. The game thinks you're juggling his body with your bullets in free-fall, so it's giving you every change to maximize your combo. You know from your own experiments with this mechanic that he literally can't die until his feet touch the ground. Bullet after pullet appears deep inside his rectum, impacts for a single physics frame, and disappears. Over and over and over again, while his brain is **** to experience the warm, fuzzy, almost paradoxical feelings of safety and comfort in slow-motion as they radiate throughout his nethers.

By the time your banana clip is spent, so is his banana.

"Fuck... you..." he pants, limply hanging in your grasp.

"Catch me first," you tease, wiping up what's dribbling from his cock and smearing it across his face.

"Good game," you say.

You don't even wait for him to respond before throwing his corpse on the floor.