I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise

“Alright, ladies, let’s take a look!” Mary clapped her hands together and smiled as the women in her cooking class assembled together with their finished hamburgers.

It had been quite an endeavor, all things considered. She was quite pleased that everyone had been able to actually prepare something that looked edible!

“We… we have to present them?” Ella paled. She thought she could get away with just eating her burger. Her hand jumped to her wrist and snapped her rubber-band to fend off the growing anxiety in her gut. “THWAP!”

“Don’t worry,” Dawn gently assured her, patting her on the back. “Mary’s just going to take a quick look, to make sure it’s not going to poison you or anything.”

“Oh…” A downcast shadow crossed Ella’s face. “Does… does it really look like my food will taste that bad?”

Dawn glanced at Ella’s burger and swallowed. Actually, it looked delicious. The patty was nice and thick and the cheese practically drizzled off it like a liquid. Ketchup and mustard dripped down the sizes, and the crisp lettuce stood out strong. She could practically taste it just by sight alone.

“…I can’t imagine that’s what she thinks,” Dawn said, glancing at her own burger and feeling a twinge of jealousy. She’d tried her best, she really had. She’d followed Mary’s instructions precisely, and adjusted the heat at all the proper intervals. She’d arranged the fillings to what she felt were the proper ratios, and made sure to provide a good amount of the necessary condiments.

So why did Ella’s burger look like something out of a commercial, while hers looked like something Kim would dash off in five seconds behind a McDonald’s counter?

Did it really just come down to a matter of skill?

I suppose it could be worse, though, Dawn said, looking at Morgana out of the corner of her eye. Morgana’s burger…

…Well, it wasn’t burned! That was a relief, right?

It didn’t look nearly as appetizing as Ella’s did, though. Dawn wondered if Morgana’s fear of burning her next patty had resulted in her undercooking the meat the second time around. That was definitely a possibility, and a troubling one, to say the least. Raw meat wasn’t good for you.

“Is… is it okay?” Morgana asked warily as Mary came along to inspect the sandwich.

“…I can tell you really tried your best,” Mary replied, giving her a big smile. It wasn’t a glowing endorsement coming from a woman who didn’t hesitate to lay on the praise, but it was something at least.

And Morgana smiled regardless.

“What do you think of my burger?” Rose practically demanded. She nearly shoved Morgana out of the way to present her meal to Mary. “I used camembert cheese instead of cheddar, and added caramelized onions…”

Mary was taken aback. “Is… is that a brioche bun?” She questioned, looking incredulously at the blonde.

“Why, yes, it is!” Rose proudly declared, holding her head up high. “The texture just can’t be beat, and as for the flavor? Mm…”

Mary shook her head. “Where… where did you even get brioche buns? Or camembert cheese, for that matter!? I had all the ingredients already prepared, and…”

“Oh, Mary, Mary, Mary,” Rose sighed, shaking her head. “I simply asked the faeries to fetch me the vital components! I wouldn’t be caught dead making a hamburger without adding a little bit of class and showmanship to it!”

“…Right,” Mary muttered, rubbing her temples. “Well, I know how good you are in the kitchen, so I’m not going to make a stink about it. I said it was important to personalize your burgers, didn’t I?” A smile quickly leapt to her face. “…But in the future, whenever we’re in class, can you try not to be such… a trendsetter?”

“Eh!? Why not?” Rose pouted. She didn’t see a problem with trying to stand out like this.

“Because other people might want to copy you,” Mary replied. “And not everyone has your culinary talents. Don’t confuse them.”

“Well, maybe I should run the class sometime,” Rose suggested. “I can make all sorts of pastries, you know!”

“Err… yeah, maybe,” Mary said noncommittally, forcing her lips up into a smile. “I’ll think about it… in the meantime, um…”

“Ooh, this looks really nice!” Holly popped up next to Mary, her eyes shining. “You like caramelized onions too?”

“They’re delicious, right?” Rose nodded. “The perfect texture, not too crunchy, but not too soft, either, excellent for flavoring. And the sauce is so sweet!”

“I know, I know!” Holly nodded excitedly. “You know what you should try with it? Grilled pineapple and barbecue sauce! It’ll give it just that tangy kick that it needs! I get my burgers that way, and with swiss cheese too.”

“That’s something I hadn’t considered,” Rose mused thoughtfully. “…Well, not the swiss cheese part, anyway. Just thinking about that… ungh.”

She shivered as her body physically recoiled with disgust at the idea. What next, cheddar cheese? Just because that stuff was delicious didn’t mean it had any place on a classy burger like this one! Rose’s palette was far more refined than that, probably.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna move on,” Mary said, not seeing any value in continuing this conversation. Rose was gonna make the dishes she was gonna make, and there were actual pressing issues for Mary to look at.

Like her newest student… and biggest troublemaker.

“Sorry about that, Mary,” Vivian said, scratching her head sheepishly. “I tried my best, I really did, but they came out looking a little… yeah.”

She looked down at the plate in front of her, which held two burgers on it. Neither looked very appetizing, and one even looked like it would fall apart if you grabbed it the wrong way.

But they were probably edible? Hopefully?

“I really tried my best,” Vivian promised.

“Why did you make two?” Mary questioned.

“Eh. It’s a trial burger,” Vivian explained, gesturing to the sloppier of the two. “In case my main one didn’t work out, you know?”

Mary nodded. She could definitely see the logic in that.

“Oh, but first, I almost forgot!” Vivian snapped her fingers, and in a flash, Octavia was by her side, standing at attention.

“Yow!” Mary nearly fell over into the sand in surprise. She stared up at the butler.

“Wait, Octavia?” Dawn’s eyes widened. “When did you get here?”

“Vivian can just summon you on demand? Can her transformation do that?” Rose wondered.

“I have been waiting for Miss Carrington for some time,” Octavia said calmly. “As a servant, it is important to not unduly burden my lady with my presence, so I remained on standby just out of view until I was needed.”

Dawn shook her head slowly. She was usually so observant… was Octavia a ninja or something?

“It’s only natural that Octavia try my burger before I get a chance to,” Vivian explained, handing her the nicer-looking of the two hamburgers. “Just to make sure it isn’t poisoned. It’s a rich thing, you wouldn’t get it.”

While everyone was mulling over the notion that Vivian assumed her own hamburger was poisoned, Octavia held it up to her lips and took a juicy bite.

Vivian watched her with an expectant gleam in her eye. She almost looked… hopeful? Excited? It was hard for Mary to identify the emotions she saw play out over the heiress’s face.

“Well?” Vivian asked. “What do you think? Does it taste good? Do you like it?”

Octavia set down the burger and chewed it carefully and thoughtfully, savoring every bite. Then she swallowed and dabbed at her lips with a napkin.

“…Miss Carrington, I can say with confidence that you culinary abilities have approved considerably since last time.”

Vivian’s eyes widened. “You… you remember that? …Wait, really? You really liked it?!”

“You are still lacking in cooking experience, judging by the irregular temperature and disparity in the ingredient ratios,” Octavia coldly criticized the burger. “But it would be remiss to call your effort a failure.”

“Yes! Awesome!” Vivian was overflowing with joy as she punched the air. She grabbed the other burger off her plate and sunk her teeth into it without hesitation.

“…Huh? Wait, I thought you had her test out the other burger for you?” Holly questioned. “Why are you eating that one?”

“Eh, I can’t be expected to share germs with her,” Vivian scoffed, wiping the juices off her lips. “Octavia, you can finish the rest of that. …If you want to, I mean. You don’t have to, obviously.”

“That is quite alright, Miss Carrington,” Octavia replied, picking up the burger again and taking another bite. “I would be happy to finish this off.”

Vivian beamed from ear to ear. Then she went back to pretending like Octavia didn’t exist and turned to Mary, taking another bite of her burger.

“It’s quite a shame, we didn’t prepare any chips,” the heiress sighed, shaking her head. “I suppose next time we grill, we’ll have to go bigger.”

“Eh, next time?” Mary was surprised to hear that. “I mean, I guess we could… but we usually don’t repeat too many recipes, and it’s not like burgers are all that hard to make…”

If Vivian and Morgana could make something edible, then probably anybody in the harem could. Even Gina.

“Certainly,” Vivian continued, ignoring Mary’s potential objection. “After all, this was fun, wasn’t? I’ve got plenty of room on my estate for us to have cookouts like this all the time. It’s what you folk do in America, right? Gather up the family in the backyard, and have a nice grill beside the pool and the squash court?”

“Uh… yes?” Mary stammered. “I mean, most houses in the U.S. don’t have squash courts, but as for that other stuff, I guess so?”

“Wait, is that where you think this is going?” Dawn appraised Vivian with caution. “That when this competition ends, we’ll all move into your mansion or something?”

Vivian looked curiously at her. “I mean… wouldn’t you want to? It’s a lovely estate, and we’ve got plenty of room. More than enough for everyone. I just thought that it would be the expected thing. Nick and all his women living under one roof together.”

“I’m in! I’m so completely in!” Rose nodded rapidly. Having lived exclusively in horrible apartment complexes that were one step away from being condemned properties, the thought of spending the rest of her life in a fancy mansion being waited on hand and foot was tantalizing. “I can bring my brother, right? Family is allowed?”

Vivian shrugged. “I wouldn’t have a problem with it.”

“B-but, we’d have to live in another country?” Morgana stammered. “I’m only 18! I don’t even have a passport!”

“Yeah, but I’m rich. You don’t have to worry about that,” Vivian chortled. “I’ll just fly you over on my private jet, easy as can be!”

Morgana’s eyes bulged out of her skull in shock.

Dawn frowned. She wasn’t sure what she should make of this sudden proposal from the heiress. It sounded all well and good on the surface, but…

We really haven’t talked about this at all, have we? What comes after, I mean. When this show eventually ends, we’ll all be returning to our lives, more or less. Things will be different, but how different will they be by the end?

She considered the possibility of moving back into that lonely house, far too large for a small woman like her alone, even with her five cats. Was that really what she wanted to go back to? Maybe Vivian was right, and she’d be happier living in a mansion with the people she cared about. With Nick…

“Look, we don’t have to make the decision now,” Vivian said, sensing some hesitation from some of the others. “It’s just something to think about, yeah?”

“Does Nick know about this?” Mary asked suspiciously. “I don’t want to agree to anything without his knowledge.”

“Hey now, this isn’t about agreements!” Vivian assured her. “We’re just talking here, that’s all. But for the record, yes, I did bring this up with lover boy, and he seemed pretty fine with the idea. He had his reservations, of course, but he knows the score.”

“…‘Knows the score’ what does that mean?” Mary still wasn’t convinced. She looked suspiciously at the heiress, who simply smiled back at her with amusement.

“Well… you gotta have money if you want to take care of the ones you love, right?” She sauntered over to the farm girl and brushed her fingers across Mary’s belly. “That baby of yours isn’t going to feed and clothe himself, you know. Or herself, as the case may be.”

Mary blushed and took a step back, shrinking away from Vivian’s touch. “Well… you’re not wrong about that,” she admitted sheepishly. “It would be nice, for my children to be taken care of… but there are more important things than money, you know.”

“Huh? There are?” Rose looked at her in confusion, which earned her a glare from her rival.

“Yes, there are,” Mary snapped. “I want my child… my future children… to be raised in a warm and loving home. And as nice as your offer sounds, Vivian… is that part of the package?”

Her voice ached with desire. She really, really wanted that to be the case.

Vivian didn’t have an answer to that. For once, the heiress had fallen completely quiet.

“THWAP!”

The sound of Ella snapping her rubber-band broke the silence. She’d needed to do something to break the tension in the air, because it was starting to suffocate her.

Like coming out of a spell, Vivian’s eyes flickered, and then she smiled.

“Don’t worry, Mary!” She assured the other woman, patting her on the shoulder. “I couldn’t agree more! A child’s gotta have love in her life! So what better than for all of us to live together and give her everything she could ever want!”

“Or him,” Mary reminded her.

“Right, yeah, or him, right,” Vivian said quickly. “But anyway, just give it some thought! Like I said, plenty of room to go around, and Nick’s already considering it. Something you two can talk about while you’re having dinner with Teach tonight!”

That was a good point. Maybe Mary should raise the idea with Amelia when they all got together. After all, it wasn’t like Nick was going to do anything unsavory with his stepmother, right?

Forget unsavory… Nick wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to be doing in a general sense of the word.

“So, is there anything you two want to do?” He asked, trying to take the lead while at the same time being completely without a plan.

“In the future, Nicholas, you would do well to remember that part of your responsibility is being the one to come up with plans to entertain your companions,” his stepmother replied, coldly assessing his performance like she was reviewing a test. “You cannot rely on the people you are with to come up with every idea. A date is not an audition.”

“Err… but this isn’t a date,” he stammered, feeling his face heat up.

“…Certainly not,” Amelia replied with a huff. “But that is not the point.”

To be fair, she wasn’t wrong. Nick was the one tasked with making the various women in his harem happy. Amelia was correct that he should take a more active role in doing that, and he’d been kind of letting that slide.

“I’m sorry, part of this is my fault,” Sylvia apologized, looking contritely at him. “Because of how Harem Hotel is set up, you’re incentivized to not take a proactive approach, Daddy.”

“What do you mean?” Amelia questioned curiously.

Nick winced.

“Well, the idea behind the show is that Daddy is the prize to be courted,” Sylvia explained. “That means the women in his harem are the ones who generally feel the pressure to entertain and please him! I set up a bunch of ways to do that… in fact, in the first round, I gave each contestant the opportunity to design their perfect date with Daddy!”

Nick couldn’t deny those dates had been a lot of fun. And Sylvia wasn’t wrong, with the way Harem Hotel was set up, it almost encouraged him to be the passive receiver of affection, and he’d gotten comfortable in that role. Dakota didn’t help matters there either, with how she frequently encouraged him to seize his position as the head of the harem and treat the women in his life like they only existed to bring him pleasure.

Amelia carefully regarded this new information. “…I see. But you are aware that this is not how the real world works, yes?”

Sylvia blinked. “…It’s not?”

Nick sighed. Here we go.

“As you explained, the arrogance of this ‘Harem Hotel’ asserts that Nicholas himself is a prize to be won,” Amelia calmly stated. “The women are pressured to court him in an effort to improve their own standing and fend off elimination, yes? Through coercive means, they are not provided any choice in the matter- they must attract and seduce him, or the consequences would be dire.”

“Yes, that’s correct,” Sylvia confirmed with a nod.

“…No, that is incorrect, in both a moral and anthropological perspective,” Amelia corrected her with a shake of her head.

“Anthropo… what? You mean like cat girls? We already have Dawn for that.”

Amelia pinched the bridge of her nose. “Anthropologically speaking, modern culture dictates certain gendered roles for men and women in society. It is commonly expected for men to be the active pursuers of affection, and women the passive receivers of it. This is observed not just in human society either. In many species, it is the male who attempts to ‘court’ or ‘woo’ a prospective mate, through shows of **** and appeal, because it is categorically the female of the species who dictates whether or not the male ever obtains the right to pass on his genes. Is that clear?”

Sylvia and Nick both stared blankly at Amelia as her lecture passed through their ears and rattled around in their hollow skulls before popping out the other side.

“No.”

“Not at all.”

Amelia sighed again. “…This show, Harem Hotel, it upends several recurring aspects of the male-female courting dynamic while keeping others intact. It has often been the case that males amass ‘harems’ of female mates, as commonly observed in several animal species, but at the same time, the male is expected to provide in return for that consideration. You can observe this in modern-day human society in men of wealth and status; relationships with mistresses and extramarital affairs are transactional, where the woman’s needs are provided for by the man. The man must strive to prove himself worthy of the woman’s affection. But this show does not abide by that simple fact. Because of the coercive power of the host over the female contestants, the master is provided with a harem without needing to take any positive action on his own, for their sake. Rather, the motivation is the avoidance of negative consequences; the proverbial stick, rather than the carrot.”

It took a second for Nick to process everything his stepmother said, but he definitely got that last part.

“H-hey, wait, it’s not like that!” He protested. “I know that everyone was brought here against their will, obviously, but it’s not like I’m doing nothing! I’d end this whole thing if I could, but I can’t. I’ve tried to make things easier and better for the women in my harem, I have!”

“Yes, I’m certain that is the case,” Amelia said with a nod. She adjusted her glasses and then looked to Sylva. “But that is because you are a respectable man, as your father and I raised you to be. But I cannot assume that is always the case for every master of every harem.”

Sylvia shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other. “…Weeeeelll…”

Was this why Amelia had allowed her to come on this date? To grill her about other seasons!?

“…It’s not as bad as you think!” Sylvia **** a smile to her lips and clapped her hands together. “And Daddy is really, really great! Even if he doesn’t always have date plans.”

Amelia sighed. That lined up with her own suspicions. She turned to Nick again. “Nicholas… you are a very caring young man. I know that. But… for the sake of those you care for, you must work harder. It is not enough to passively receive the love and affection of other women. You must also work to make them happy.”

“I-I know that!” Nick said, flustered. His words sounded pretty hollow considering he couldn’t even prepare for one measly outing with his stepmom.