I'm a rattlesnake, babe, I'm like fuel on a fire

“…I won’t accept it.”

“What?” Mary couldn’t quite make out what Dakota had said.

“I said, I won’t accept it!” Dakota’s snarl almost morphed into a roar as she looked at Mary with wild, frantic eyes. “That I could ever love anyone more than Nick, let alone that little brat-! I won’t accept it!” She shook her head in stubborn denial, and for a moment, Mary didn’t see the terrifying, strong-willed host who intimidated her.

She saw a stubborn child throwing a tantrum.

“Nick is everything to me,” Dakota said, digging her nails into her palm. “How could I betray him like this? For some little nothing?! I created that girl with a wave of my hand! And she has the gall to try and burrow her way into my heart like this!? The arrogance to think that she could actually turn my heart away from the man I love!?”

That was what Mary just couldn’t understand.

“Dakota, you can love more than one person,” she said. “I love Nick, but I know I will love my child as well.” She rubbed her belly protectively, feeling the warmth of a mother’s love flooding her breast. It was a sensation unlike any other. “All loves are different, Dakota. I believe, I truly believe, that your feelings for Nick are sincere.” Some people might argue with her on that. But Mary wouldn’t let them shake her.

She could see it in Dakota every time she was in the same room as Nick. The devotion in those eyes. Dakota’s feelings for Nick might have been twisted, corrupt, and toxic, but they were sincere. She truly did love him, even if that love had driven her into darkness.

Mary could not condemn Dakota’s feelings, only the actions those feelings led to.

“If you know my feelings for him… then how dare you?!” Dakota spat, looking murderously at the girl in front of her. “How dare you assume that I could ever betray him… for someone like that!?”

“Someone like Sylvia?” Mary countered. “Sylvia has done bad things, Dakota, I won’t deny that. But she can be sweet and generous. Sometimes she makes mistakes, and she doesn’t always understand the ethics and morality involved in certain situations. But… she really does try. She tries every day, to be the best person she can be. But what about you, Dakota?”

“Excuse me?” A shadow crossed over Dakota’s face.

“Have you ever tried to understand her?” Mary questioned, stepping forward. “You treated her before as if she were just a creation of yours. Something you made with magic. And that’s true, that’s what she is. But she’s more than that, isn’t she? She’s your own child. Have you ever tried to understand her as your daughter, instead of just your creation?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Dakota spat, shaking her head. She rolled her eyes at the absurdity of Mary’s question. “What would even be the point, you silly little girl?! That child… she’s nothing to me! Why would I ever care about her like that?”

“Because you’re only human,” Mary replied. “And because as much as you try to deny it, as much as you try to reject it, the truth is that deep down in your heart you do love her, Dakota. You care for her as if she were your own child, because that’s what she is, and you know it.”

“Shut up!” Anger flared across Dakota’s face. “Shut up!”

“You’re not even denying it,” Mary pointed out. “Because you know you can’t, right? You’ve already admitted it to me, after all. How you really feel. I’ve already seen it with my own eyes. Those feelings of yours. You told me yourself! The reason you hold so much hatred and resentment towards your own daughter is because you’re afraid that without those negative feelings, without that poison, you would love her even more than the man you’re devoted to. And I believe that is the case. But those feelings ARE poison, Dakota. The more you keep holding onto that darkness, the more you’ll poison that relationship, until there will be nothing left.”

“…Good,” Dakota spat. “Maybe that’s what I want.”

Mary had to resist the urge to roll her eyes. Obviously that was what Dakota wanted. Did she even have to say it? It was so obvious to her and anyone else with a working pair of eyes. And that was precisely the problem!

Dakota was so determined to reject Sylvia in every way that she was content with letting those toxic emotions eat her out from the inside. And when they were done, there would be nothing good left of those feelings.

And Mary deeply feared that happening.

“Dakota, you can have it all,” she said, refusing to even address Dakota’s premise. “I know you don’t think it’s possible, but it is. The fear you’re feeling, that fear that you’ll somehow hurt Nick by embracing those feelings you’re trying so hard to deny, that isn’t a rational fear. That’s your stubborn bitterness at play. That’s the scared little girl who fell off the bridge. It doesn’t have to be who you are! Just… take the leap! Open your heart to your feelings and admit to yourself that it IS possible for you to love Sylvia, just for who she is! I swear it will be okay, Dakota. I swear you’ll be able to have happiness, and that happiness… it’s the most wonderful thing in the world.”

More than anything, Mary wanted everyone to be happy. And she knew there was no chance of Dakota ever being happy herself if she kept shutting her heart towards Sylvia.

Before, Mary had been content to ignore the problem. She knew the relationship between Dakota and Sylvia was toxic, but she didn’t try to solve the issue because she’d accepted that it would only bear poisonous fruit.

But now she no longer believed that was the case. Standing there, seeing the woman in front of her, seeing the way Dakota was breaking down like this, tearing herself apart over these feelings she refused to accept…

Mary could see now that there WAS a path forward for the both of them. It wouldn’t be easy, and it may have even been cruel to try and subject Sylvia to it, given the pain she’d already endured at Dakota’s expense.

But if Mary could actually get through to the woman in front of her, if she could get Dakota to acknowledge that her love for Sylvia was true and genuine, and embrace those feelings she held for her daughter…

Then maybe happiness wouldn’t be out of their reach.

For something like that, Mary would risk quite a lot.

“I’m not saying it will be easy, Dakota, because it won’t be,” Mary said, cautiously approaching the enraged woman and resting her hand on Dakota’s shoulder. She expected the host to swat her away, but she didn’t. “All I’m saying is that love is powerful. And I know that you know that. Your love for Nick has carried you this far, after all, hasn’t it? But now you’re breaking down. Can’t you give another type of love a chance? Nick will always care about you and he will NEVER stop loving you. But if you can’t love anyone but him, how can you say you have the right to be a part of his life?”

Dakota’s head snapped up and for a hot second their eyes met.

And that’s when Mary saw it, the surge in her gaze that made her blood freeze in her veins.

“…You don’t think that’s possible, do you?” She dropped her hand and stepped back, her eyes wide. “You don’t. You think… that’s the end, isn’t it?”

“How can’t it be?” Dakota spat. “The time we have left together… it’s limited by the time we have left on this island. I tried to extend it as best I could, but in the end… none of it matters, does it? Because no season can run forever. Someday, this is all going to be done. You all will return to earth and live your precious little lives bound to him… …And I’ll still be here.”

Forever.

“…I’m sorry, Dakota,” Mary said quietly. “I wish…”

She didn’t even know how to finish that sentence. Because Mary knew that her wish was hollow and cheap. Dakota wouldn’t even hear it. She knew that they were just the empty platitudes of a woman with a big heart who couldn’t do anything.

Mary wished she was wrong, but she wasn’t.

“I came to terms with that a long time ago,” Dakota said bitterly. “Do you know why it was I set out to find you yesterday? Why I wanted to talk to you in the chapel?”

Mary tensed, not sure what to say. “Because you wanted to find a way to atone for your sins?” She asked hesitantly.

“But why that day?” Dakota asked her, narrowing her eyes. “Why not today? Why not tomorrow, before the challenge? Why did I pick that day to do it?”

Mary shook her head. She didn’t have the faintest idea.

“Because it had to be that day,” Dakota calmly explained. “Don’t you see? It had to be. The night before I came to you, Amelia asked me a question. She asked me whether or not I wanted Sylvia to stay with me when this season came to an end. A ridiculous question, to say the least. Sylvia is in Nick’s harem, after all. She’s bound to him. Of course she’d accompany you all back to earth, assuming she can acquire the requisite amount of Victory Points to maintain a favorable position in his harem. But apparently, the notion hadn’t even occurred to her.”

Dakota let out a pathetic laugh and shook her head. “I really messed up with that girl… I put so much work into making her a competent host, and she still couldn’t even realize something so obvious. Can you believe it?”

“Or maybe she wasn’t thinking about it for the same reason you didn’t,” Mary quietly replied. “Maybe Sylvia didn’t want to think about leaving you, and this island she called home?”

Dakota’s eye twitched. “…Like that could ever be possible,” she muttered, shaking her head again. “More likely she was simply scared of the unknown. This island is the only place she’s ever known, after all. Popping down to earth to play therapist isn’t the same as living there. She didn’t want to think about it because she’s a coward.”

The fact that Dakota was just as much a coward didn’t need to be stated. It was obvious to the both of them.

“Maybe Sylvia was afraid of the unknown, but she was still willing to embrace it,” Mary pointed out. “Are you?”

Dakota ignored her. “That isn’t the point,” she said through clenched teeth. “The reason I came to you was because… for the first time, I realized that I didn’t want Sylvia to go. And that realization… it was like something snapped in me. And I haven’t been the same since. Everything has just been blending together in my mind after that, from day to day… it’s like my heart is some twisted, jumbled-up ball of knots, can you believe it!? Me, a heart! I’m not supposed to have something like that! I’m just… a monster.”

“You’re not a monster, Dakota,” Mary said firmly, shaking her head. “I know you think you are… but believe me, you’re not. You’re just a woman going through a lot of pain. And you’ve done horrible things, no one is denying that. But monsters are incapable of loving others, and that isn’t you. No matter how much you’d like it to be.”

Dakota had come to her before as a cry for help. She could see that clearly now. Her heart was divided and she was afraid, and she’d turned to the one person she could trust to help her see through the darkness.

The one person who could help her make the choice for love.

Dakota wants to love Sylvia, but she’s afraid to. She doesn’t know how. And she doesn’t think she deserves to love Sylvia! So she’s still trying to reject her feelings towards her! Mary knew that there was a chance she was being too generous with her interpretation of Dakota’s feelings.

But she had to believe that Dakota hadn’t lost all hope yet.

“Why don’t you just say it?” Mary blurted out.

Dakota recoiled like she’d been slapped. Alarm flared across her face and she squeezed her cane tightly, holding it in front of her like a shield.

“Say it?” She asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes. “Say what?”

Dakota had to know what Mary was talking about. There was no reason for her to react so viscerally unless she already knew what Mary was getting at.

Mary just had to get her to acknowledge it.

“Say you love her,” Mary said firmly but gently. “Say you love Sylvia. Just say it, Dakota. I know, in your heart, you want to.”

Mary believed with all her might that Dakota could do it. And she also believed that if she did, everything would change.

What kind of change would that be? On that front, Mary wasn’t so certain.

But she had to believe.

Dakota’s hands trembled, a note of hesitation Mary picked up on even while her eyes revealed nothing but hardened coldness.

Mary chose to believe in the hesitation.

“Dakota, your love-”

“A mother doesn’t have to love her children,” Dakota interrupted her, changing her stance and throwing Mary off completely.

“Wh-what?” The redhead looked at her in surprise. Dakota’s expression had morphed into a contemplative look, as though she were grappling with emotions other than anger for the first time in her life.

It was such a strange shift that it left Mary speechless for a second.

Dakota raised her head and their eyes met again.

“I talked to Amelia, and she said that she made a choice. She said that’s what a mother’s love is. It’s a choice. She chose to love Nick… and to love me.”

Mary frowned. “…I suppose, in a way, she isn’t wrong,” she admitted. “Feelings are complicated, Dakota. I know I didn’t choose to fall in love with Nick. I was in love with him before I knew it. But I had a choice what to do with those feelings. I could have embraced them or I could have rejected them. I almost did, once upon a time.”

“I remember,” Dakota venomously spat.

Mary winced. “…But that’s how love is. Love is when you feel something so strongly that, sometimes, a choice is **** at all.”

Dakota scowled. It was completely the opposite of what Amelia had told her. Mary’s answer felt far more correct, and reflected Dakota’s heart better. After all, her own feelings for Nick weren’t a choice in the slightest.

But at the same time, she couldn’t deny the truth of Amelia’s words, either. Because she had felt the love from the woman who called herself Dakota’s mother, even though she was not.

Amelia had made the choice to love Dakota like a daughter.

And hearing Mary say what she was saying… it stirred a rage in Dakota’s chest that was so unlike any anger she’d felt before that it took her a moment to identify it.

“Dakota?” Mary looked worriedly at the other woman, not liking the emotions she was seeing in Dakota’s eyes.

Dakota glowered at her.

“Which is it?” She spat menacingly, taking a step forward. “Are these feelings a choice?! Or aren’t they!? Answer me!”

Mary felt like she had the Sword of Damocles hanging over her head in that moment. She was keenly aware that whatever answer she gave, it would unquestionably change the course of this conversation for good.

She didn’t know what to do for a moment.

“…I think…” Her voice quivered hesitantly. “I think… it is a choice. But it’s the best kind of choice, Dakota.”

“What?” Dakota looked dumbly at her. “But you just said-”

“You heard what you wanted to hear from me,” Mary interrupted her. “I never said that love couldn’t be a choice. I even said that while my feelings for Nick were not a choice, that didn’t mean I didn’t still make one. And that’s what love is. It’s a choice between your feelings and your selfishness.”

“What do you mean?” Dakota asked, glaring at her.

Mary knew that in Dakota’s current mood, this was a risky statement to make. But she felt that it was the only way she could get through to the other girl.

It was the only example that had a chance.

“Your mother was a selfish woman,” Mary said firmly. She had never met the woman but she was confident she was correct. “Maybe she loved you, maybe she didn’t. I don’t know. I’ve never met her, after all she. But what I do know is that she made a choice. She chose not to be the kind of mother you needed, Dakota. She chose to focus on herself, and neglect you. She has no right to call herself a mother. Maybe deep down, she did love you. But she had the choice of whether or not to act on those feelings and be a mother to you, and every day she chose not to be.”

Mary winced, bracing for Dakota’s outburst.

It never came.

“…So it was a choice then…” Dakota sounded like a scared little girl once more. She wasn’t even looking at Mary at this point, her eyes stared off vacantly into the distance.

Mary’s heart pounded in her chest. “Dakota…?”

“So did… she ever love me, then?” Dakota asked.

“I… I don’t know…” Mary shook her head. She just didn’t have enough information. It was like trying to solve a **** mystery without knowing any of the suspects or their motives. “I’m sorry, I just don’t know…”

“How could you?” Dakota spat, raising her head. Her golden eyes burned with frustrated tears. “You never knew her. Or what she went through. How could you know how she felt about me? How could you know?!”

“What? That… I-I don’t…?” Mary wasn’t sure where the sudden outburst came, but it wasn’t like she hadn’t been anticipating it. It was obvious how unstable Dakota was, and she just had to brace herself for more to come.

Dakota let out a long, tired sigh, and rubbed her forehead.

“So in the end… it’s my choice to make, isn’t it?” She muttered. “I’ve gotta say, Mary… I never expected you of all people to be the one to make that argument.”

“Huh?” Mary blinked, confused.

“Well… you’re always saying how much you love god,” Dakota said with a mocking sneer on her lips. “But look at you, coming out in staunch defense of being pro-choice. If Jesus could hear you right now… he’d be so ashamed.”

“Wait, are you talking about-!? Dakota, that is NOT what I meant!” Mary’s face turned scarlet in outrage at what the other woman was insinuating.

Then she realized what Dakota was doing.

She was playing with her. Somewhere along the way, in just these last few seconds, she’d gone from treating Mary seriously to turning this all into one big joke.

Which meant they were done now. Nothing Mary could say would have any chance of getting through to her further, because Dakota had already dismissed her.

“Thank you for all your help, Mary,” Dakota said with a condescending smile. “You really helped me figure things out. I appreciate it.”

Somehow, Mary found that hard to believe. She just stood there frozen, not letting out the breath she was holding until Dakota mercifully released her, disappearing into the aether.