I hadn't been prepared for this encounter, and so I wasn't really sure what I was going to say. I'd had time on the walk over here, but I was still reeling from coming out of my emotional stupor. I had taken Corrine's advice and listened to what Amy had to say, but I didn't feel any big thoughts in my head. No academy award-winning speeches about friendship and forgiveness. I was going to have to wing it.
It was easier than I had thought. As soon as I opened my mouth, the words began to come out.
"I... I was in a bad state of mind after our run yesterday. I've been trying to sort out all kinds of new feelings and emotions and... well, I just didn't react well. I know it wasn't your intention to make me mad, but your little quip yesterday just hit the wrong button at the wrong time, and for that, I'm sorry that I lost it.
"I know that I can't stay mad at you forever, Amy. I mean... all things being fair, I was one step away from saying some pretty hurtful things myself."
I paused, and for a moment some semblance of a smile formed on her lips before fading, almost as if the corners of her mouth had a quick spasm. Part of me didn't want to keep on talking. Part of me wanted to leave it well enough alone and move on, but I knew that I had to get this thing off my chest or it was never going to go away. I wanted it to stop, and the only way to do it was to come clean, regardless of whether it hurt or not.
"But I didn't say those things. I couldn't bring myself to do it... something you obviously had no problem with."
She physically flinched at this last remark, though her face remained impassive.
"What you said to me... it really hurt me, Amy. It hurt me in a way that I never want to feel ever again. I... I know that you're sorry. I know you didn't really mean it... but the fact that you said it to me, to my face... I'm having a hard time getting past that right now.
"I'm not saying that we aren't still friends. I'm not saying that we can't all hang out. I just... it's still very... raw... I still feel the sting, even now. What I'm trying to say is... I need some time. I want to be able to say I forgive you... but I can't say it and mean it right now."
For the first few seconds she didn't say anything, the two of us looking at each other with eyes full of regret. I could tell that she wished she hadn't teased me that day, just as I wished that I'd responded better. Unfortunately, real life has no do-overs, and we have to deal with the consequences of our choices.
Taking a deep breath, she began to nod her head and said, "Yeah. Yeah, you're right, you..."
She paused to sniffle.
"You're absolutely right. I don't expect you to forgive and forget. I'm the one who pushed things too far. I just... I just want a chance to... to try and be the kind of friend you really deserve. As long as I can get that chance... then I'm okay with it."
There was an awkward pause where we would have hugged only yesterday. Instead we simply stared at each other, the few feet between us feeling like a chasm that neither of us could cross. I would have cried if it was anyone else, but after what happened, I just couldn't bring myself to, and based on the look in her eyes, she knew it and felt it.
I could see why Corrine and the others couldn't stay mad at her. She was torturing herself enough as it was. What killed me was the fact that I still had a dull aching in my chest, as if signaling that she hadn't suffered enough yet, and while it made me feel some level of guilt, I didn't deny it.
We all sat together for the few minutes that remained of our lunch period, though we didn't say too much. It felt like we were all happy to be together, while also trying to ignore an elephant in the room. It did become steadily easier as the period went on, but all progress was cut off when the bell rang.
Each of the girls gave me a big hug as we all departed for class, with the exception of Amy. She managed a sad little smile and said, "I'll... I'll see you after-"
She stopped herself short, realizing that our usual runs together were no longer a thing.
"I'll see you later," she said hurriedly, turning away and merging into the crowd.
In that moment, it suddenly dawned on me that she might have been onto something after all.
I slept with and fell for Stephanie, who didn't want to be with me for reasons she couldn't explain. In my grief I slept with Talia, and who knew how that would affect things down the road. Now, because of my emotional outburst, my entire friendship with Amy was in question.
I was going through a checklist of my friends, but instead of just fucking them, I was fucking up my relationships with them.
When I sat down at my desk to contemplate this, I found a folded piece of paper on my chair. I opened it to read:
All will be well again.
-Corrine
I turned to where she sat in class and saw her smiling over at me.
Maybe it would...
I smiled back.
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