Harley Vs. Ivy

When I was insane, I was in mortal peril quite a few times. The most notable of the times was when I thought I could bump off Batman to get the mad clown to love me. The Joker's plan was to dump Batman into a tank full of piranhas. The problem was that piranha don't smile and that the clown's special toxin had no effect on the dangerous fish. I got the idea that it would look to Batman that the piranhas were smiling if I could lower him into the tank upside down. I thought it would make the perfect surprise to that psycho if I could pull the job all by myself. I sent a message to Commissioner Gordan that said that Joker was going to destroy Gotham knowing that the Commissioner would pass the message to Batman. I took Batman to the meeting place and gave him a knockout when he wasn't looking. I had Batman upside down over the tank. I underestimated the Dark Knight's craftiness. He convinced me that Joker would not believe that I bumped him off unless the clown was there to witness it. I got the clown over forgetting that the maniac had the sick idea that only he had the right to bump off Batman. He took a fish and used it to knock me out of a window. I don't know how I survived landing in those garbage cans, but I luckily escaped with only a few broken bones.

Now, I am in a much worse peril. My girlfriend Pam Isley is trying to kill me with a kitchen knife. I can't believe that Red would want to hurt me like this. The thing is, I have to remember that Pam is not the one who wants to kill me. In reality, I am fighting a mindless doll. The person who really wants to kill me is a certain gentleman wearing a blue overcoat and a black top hat. The creep is known as Jervis Tech who most people in Gotham call the Mad Hatter. I see that Pam is wearing a pair of blue earrings that she has never worn before. That must be how the jerk is controlling her.

One of the side effects of the Hat's mind control is increased strength. My whole body is starting to shake. I know I cannot win. If I try to fight for the knife any longer, I am sure to get killed. I wished that I would have waited for backup, but I was too worried about Pam. I do the only thing I can think of and try to dive away. I feel the sharp knife hit my left shoulder. It rips my dress and slashes my shoulder. I fall down and cry out in pain. I touch the wound and feel the blood coming out of it. I try to scoot away from my girlfriend because it looks like she wants to finish the job.

"FIGHT IT, RED!" I scream in absolute terror. "I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW YOU LOVE ME!"

Pam starts to advance again and I close my eyes because I don't want to see the end coming. That is when I hear Pam cry out in pain. I open my eyes and I see that Pam has mysteriously dropped the knife. I look towards the ground and see a Batarang next to the knife. I look behind me and I see the Dark Knight holding what looks like a very miniature satellite dish. He turns the device on and it emits a sonic pulse. It causes Red and I a small amount of discomfort, but it also makes the earrings sizzle and spark. With one final pop, the circuitry within the earrings is destroyed and Pam falls to the ground. When Pam opens her eyes, she sees the knife next to her and the damage done to my shoulder. A tear falls down Red's face and I can tell she is starting to lose it.

"Calm down, Red!" I order. "This is not your fault!"

"I am so sorry!" Pam sobs.

"If you want to make it up to me then help Batman catch that coward so he can be put back into Arkham!" I exclaim as I point at the bad guy trying to flee the scene with my good arm.

Pam looks at the culprit trying to get away and she gets a vicious snarl on her face. She grabs a vine from the side of her house and jerks it like a whip. The vine stretches all the way out until it wraps around the blue-suited menace and brings him back to us. It looks like Pammy is playing with a giant yo-yo. Before Mad Hatter is taken into custody, there is one thing I have to know.

"Why?" I growl. "Are you really that mad that Pam and I don't want to play with you psychos anymore?"

"No, it is because you two have turned into a couple of freaks," Mad Hatter informs us with a rude grin.

"Oh, so this is a standard hate crime, is it?" I cry out. "Let me tell you something, Jervis! It is none of your business if Pam and I are dating men, women, or aliens! If you come near Pam or me again, you will wish that you had never been born!"

"That goes double for me!" Pam sneers.

Batman pushes a button on his utility belt and calls the Batmobile by remote control. While it is coming over, Red goes to Batman and shakes his hand as a gesture of thanks. That is something that I never thought I would see. Batman takes out a first aid kit and dresses my wound after ripping a hole in my dress. He then goes back to his car and calls for an ambulance. Batman's last act is to grab the bad guy and drive him to the loony bin. Pam kisses me and fondles my hair until the ambulance comes to take me to the hospital.