Harem Hotel- The Final Frontier (Pictures potentially added later)

Captain’s Log – Earth Date, 7/15/2427

After completing our diplomatic obligations to Duke Schwartz, magistrate of the human colony on New Austria Prime, the E.S.S. Santa Maria has resumed its five-year mission to venture forth and explore the vast expanse of space. Ensign Masher has set a course deep into the heart of the Harho Expanse, designation AL1-C, and farther than any ship in the United Federation of Stellar Nations has ever voyaged before. Every light year we travel is a new chapter in our story as a species, and yet my heart grows heavy. The wonders and beauties of that which we call the last frontier are matched only by its dangers. Although we have traveled to many planets before, something about this particular sector of space troubles me deeply, and makes me fear for the safety of my ship and my crew. What this is, I do not know. Perhaps it is my instinct as a captain calling out to my intuition… or that old primal emotion known as fear. But regardless, returning home with our tail tucked between our legs is not an option. To know that which we do not know, to seek that which we have not discovered, it is for that very reason that the scout ship Santa Maria exists.

-Captain Jeannette Pickering

Finished with her log, Captain Pickering set down her telescreen on the desk of her ready room and stepped out onto the bridge of the Santa Maria. While not the largest ship in the fleet, or the strongest, the Santa Maria was well-equipped as a vessel of exploration and discovery, fulfilling its duty to the charter of the UFSN better than any ship in service.

She stood with her head held high, her short silver hair granting her a look of distinguishment and wisdom beyond her years. In spite of the thoughts of many back home who tried to take away her command, she was not some dottering old woman. Hardly yet 40, she was a great many things. A diplomat, a tactician, a historian and scholar, and she could play a mean game of racquetball.

“Lieutenant Commander, what have you picked up on the sensors?” Captain Pickering asked her faithful Science Officer. “Have you managed to track down that distortion yet?”

“Not at this time, captain.” Lieutenant Commander T’Risa answered, looking up from her viewscreen. “The sensors keep picking up the distortion on the edges of their range, but whenever I try to lock onto a signal it disappears. If I didn’t know any better, I would suggest it is the proverbial mouse to our cat.” Her voice was as cold as the air around her. Unlike the rest of the crewmembers on the bridge, the Lieutenant Commander was not in official uniform, having received special dispensation to don the traditional garb of her homeworld, Yuhtenn, a thick white robe that held in her body’s cold and repelled the heat. Temperatures on Yuhtenn sat on average somewhere close to absolute zero; in spite of urban myth, Yuhtenns were not, in fact, made of ice and snow- not that T’Risa’s white hair and skin did much to discourage that line of thinking.

Captain Pickering sighed and rubbed her forehead in frustration. “Well… keep looking. Star Command wouldn’t get into any specifics about what we would find in the Harho Expanse, but we wouldn’t want a distortion to catch us with our trousers down.”

“Yes, sir,” T’Risa answered with a nod, returning to running her scans.

“Captain, should I charge our phase cannons? Kelsor, his back turned.”

“You’re right, Lieutenant. We certainly wouldn’t want to be caught by surprise,” Captain Pickering admitted with a nod.

As usual, Tactical Officer Dathena was prepared for battle- one could even call her eager, as so many of her people were for combat. Her ruby red complexion, imposing stature, and golden eyes called to mind a demon, while her scaly skin, sharp tongue, and fiery personality brought to mind a dragon; it was no accident that the people of Chronos referred to themselves as Draegons.

Right now, though, her face was red for a second reason.

“Alzack on his anniversary- I mean, I’m sorry, captain,” she apologized, flushed with embarrassment. “I’m still… Surath when he uncovered the tomb… …Working on my common languages. I’m a bit under the weather after our celebration on New Austria Prime.”

“Ha! I can’t imagine why THAT would be!” The haughty voice of curly-haired Ensign Kelsey Masher rang out over the bridge. The haughty young woman had the distinction of being the youngest officer in Star Command to pilot a starship. “You were completely plastered on that… what was it called? Ligorian Jaegermeister? Tell me, what’s the Draegon phrase for getting drunk off your ass? ‘Janoth, at his stag party’?”

Dathena looked ready to spit fire. The Draegons were a proud warrior race, she would not abide this dishonor, especially not from a child!

“Look, all I’m saying, it makes for a bit of an embarrassing scene when our Chief of Security, the woman supposed to be keeping us safe, is getting so drunk she can only talk in the gibberish of her native tongue. Universal translators only go so far, you know!” The ensign taunted her seething superior.

“Shut up, Kelsey,” Captain Pickering snapped. Then she softened her voice and turned to her tactical officer. “Dathena, it’s alright. Everyone knows that your people’s language is rather… complex. No one here holds your words against you.”

Dathena stood a little taller. “Kelzon, embraced by the village.”

The captain smiled. “Yes, you’re very welcome.”

“Draegon is a symbolic sentence structure which relies on narrative imagery, linking references to mytho-historical figures in citation to modern events of a similar nature,” T’Risa outlined. “I do not see what is ‘complex’ about that.”

“Of course you wouldn’t,” Kelsey scoffed, rolling her eyes. “After all, you’re basically a computer.”

“Pardon me!” A voice crackled over the intercom. “I do not appreciate such derogatory statements about computers!”

“Ah, shut it ya bucket of bolts!” Kelsey cooed, affectionately swatting the console. A crackle of static that sounded like the computer giggling came in reply.

“Yuhtenns believe that emotions, like all other irrational aspects of nature, should be frozen within our hearts,” T’Risa calmly informed her crewmate. “By sealing away those distractions, we endeavor to pursue logic with an open mind.”

Kelsey rolled her eyes again. “Right. Like I said. Computer.”

“That’s enough,” Captain Pickering warned them. She glanced at the empty seat beside her command chair. “…Where is Commander Bowman? I thought he would have been back by now.”

As she said that, the lift door opened and another figure stepped onto the bridge, holding a telescreen in her hands. She was wearing a red uniform that designated her as a front-runner for away missions, and had tight, short black hair and dusky brown skin. She wore a professional expression on her face, she saluted when she stepped out of the lift.

“Ensign Richonne, reporting for duty,” she greeted the captain.

“Ensign Ricky, glad you could make it,” Captain Pickering said with just a hint of sarcasm in her dignified tone. She looked past the ensign towards the empty lift. “…I notice Commander Bowman isn’t with you?”

The ensign cleared her throat. “…No, sir. The commander said he had to go make a stop off in engineering. I assumed that since he was on his break, that wouldn’t be a problem.”

Captain Pickering took a deep breath, and then slowly exhaled.

“…In a situation like this, we don’t have the flexibility for… breaks of that nature,” she calmly replied.

Dathena cracked a grin. “Kaldor, on his wedding night.”

“Hah!” Kelsey cackled. “You can say that again!”

Pickering ignored the immature comments from her crew. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d had to put up with behavior like this. But compared to the unprofessional actions of her first officer, it was nothing.

“Computer,” she said, trying very hard to reign her temper in, “please contact Commander Bowman and have him report to the bridge immediately.”

“Affirmative!” The cheerful voice crackled. “Activating Humanoid Interface Unit Six-Nine!”

---

The engine room of the Santa Maria could be described as the heart of the ship itself. And like any heart, it pounded loudly and passionately as it powered the courageous vessel. The whirring engine hummed like a kitten and heated up the room to a balmy tropical temperature, hot enough to steam up the windows if there were any this deep in the depths of the ship.

“Hah… ooh… yes, mmf, don’ stop ya feckin ee- Oh!”

The whirr of the ship’s coils was drowned out by the ecstatic moans of the couple locked in embrace against it. The sweat rolling down their glistening bodies wasn’t just due to the heat of the engine, but the heated passion between the two of them.

Such things were irrelevant to the synthetic entity who entered engineering without a second thought. The warmth flooded out of the room and washed over the artificial body, whose owner did not react in the slightest to the sudden shift in temperature. The gorgeous features contorted onto the android’s artificial face were those of a charming woman with short, wiry red hair and wearing a blank smile that didn’t quite touch her eyes.

“Commander Bowman! The captain has requested your presence on the bridge!” The android declared in a facsimile of casual conversation, as though she were greeting a friend at the food recombiner. “Please report at your earliest convenience.”

“Ah shit!”

“Feck! Kody! We bloody talked abet this!”

The two officers practically flung themselves away from each other, faces flushed as she scrambled to pull their uniforms back into something that looked presentable. Commander Jason Bowman was particularly embarrassed, given the feminine presentation of the computer’s humanoid interface. She was staring directly at him with that same detached gaze, as if she was both looking at him and not looking at him at the same time.

He shivered as he adjusted his collar and tried to smooth out his hair.

“Celty- Err, Lieutenant Commander Celt is right, Kody,” Jason said, grateful that the android lacked any real context for sexual interaction. “You can’t just barge into engineering like that.”

The android tilted her head slightly to the side in a jerking motion as her eyes refocused on the commander.

“Understood, Commander. I will relay that to the Captain!”

“Wait!”

Behind Commander Bowman stood a very flustered irish lass by the name of Atlanta Celt. Although the short, spry thing could repair a ship’s hyperdrive fluctuator with a ball wrench, some tape, and a recombinated laser torch, at the moment her brilliance was focused entirely on how to get out of this situation.

Currently, she was drawing a blank, blushing so intently the freckles on her dimpled apple cheeks were as overwhelmed as the redness of her tangled locks.

“Don’… don’ tell the Cap’n about this, okay?” She pleaded. “She’ll tan us bloody raw! We were just, um…” The fae-like chief engineer Celty looked desperately over to Jason, who just returned her pleading look with a confused one of his own. What were they supposed to say?

Still, as the superior officer, he needed to take command of the situation. He cleared his throat. “Kody, the Lieutenant Commander and I, we were… engaging in a bit of unprofessional conduct. But I do not believe there is any need to convey that to Captain Pickering.”

Kody’s robotic eyes blinked. It was a feature she was programmed with to make her look more human, but it simply registered as uncanny. Then her lips curled up into a smile.

“Oh! Unprofessional conduct!”

“That’s right.”

“Inquiry. Please define the parameters that make your conduct unprofessional.”

Jason grimaced.

“It, ah… it means, we were… having… sexual intercourse.”

The android’s face appeared to brighten with understanding. “Ah! Sexual intercourse. In other words, to fornicate. Copulate. Sleep with. Make love. Engage in coitus. Screw. Fuck. Mate. Couple. Bonk. Boff. Nookie. Congress. Make whoopee. Have-”

“Aye, aye, that’s fine!” Celty screeched, practically dying of shame. “Jus’… please, don’ tell Cap’n Pickering! Ah swear if ah ‘ave ta listen ta that dryshite givin’ out one more bloody time-”

“As you wish, Lieutenant Commander,” the android acquiesced. “However, I believe I should inform you that the bridge crew is already quite aware of your sexual intercourse. I recorded many jokes being made at your expense.”

“Ough…” With a groan of embarrassment, Celty slumped against the engine module and buried her face in her hands. “Fine… g’wan.”

Commander Bowman tensed, and looked back at Kody. The emotion conveyed by those dull eyes of hers almost called to mind a knowing feeling, like she was laughing herself at what was going on. But as an android who couldn’t feel emotion, of course that was impossible.

“Tell the Captain… tell her I’ll be there right away,” he said, letting out a sigh. Time to face the music, and hope Captain Pickering would be merciful.

Can you really blame me, though? He asked himself, trying to figure out what was so wrong about what he had done. So they were still on duty- when weren’t they? If he and Celty wanted to blow off a little steam in engineering on a slow day, that was their business!

“She’s probably just upset because she’s not getting any,” he muttered under his breath. He regretted the words the second he uttered them. It wasn’t right to think that way about Captain Pickering, even though she had a stick up her ass so large that Krilltai warriors could train with it in the Qow’r-tho pits. No, if anyone had a behavioral problem, it was definitely him, and he would make it a point to apologize as soon as he returned to the bridge.

“THOOM!” Suddenly, the corridor shook, and Jason was thrown off his feet. The last thought to pass his mind as he slammed headfirst into the bulkhead was that his apology might be delayed slightly now.

---

Captain Pickering clutched the arms of her chair as the ship rocked beneath her.

“What is going on?!” She exclaimed. First Jason was away from their post, and now they’d encountered… …She didn’t even know what they’d encountered, that’s what her science officer was for! “T’Risa, what’s the scanner say?!”

“The readings are inconclusive, Captain,” T’Risa replied, calm as usual even as the ship was rocked harder than a rubber duck in a child’s bathtub. “It appears to be an anomaly of some sort.”

“Oh, well, that really narrows it down, doesn’t it?” Captain Pickering scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Why is it that every week there’s an anomaly, or some ship we’ve never met before mucking about and causing problems? Can’t the galaxy take a break for one- My apologies.”

She took a deep breath and exhaled. She was tired. It was understandable. But she still needed to maintain professional decorum.

“THOOM! THOOM!”

The ship rocked again. So much for decorum.

“T’Risa!”

“Onscreen, Captain,” T’Risa said gruffly, punching something into the control panel. The monitoring screen flashed, and an image of the anomaly appeared in front of it.

“What… what is that?” For once, Kelsey didn’t have some wise quip. She just stared in open-mouthed shock at the image appearing in front of her.

“I would not know,” T’Risa replied coldly. “But it registers as solid.”

It was solid, alright. A solid wall of vaguely phallic objects that Captain Pickering hoped was coincidental. If not, someone had a very perverse sense of humor.

“Salchuk,” Dathena muttered under her breath. “In the adult section.”

“Salchuk is right,” Captain Pickering muttered. “But what’s going on here? Where did this anomaly come from?” The more she looked at it (though she tried not to) the more convinced she became that this was no natural phenomenon. No, she’d seen natural phenomena like this before, and looking at those… Even without getting up close it was clear they were synthetic polymer of some kind, the sort that fit snugly into your grasp. ...Not that she had a need for such things, of course.

The lift door slid open, breaking the captain from her contemplative thoughts. Her head snapped up and she looked to see two figures stumble out.

“Commander! It’s about time,” she snapped. “…Doctor, what happened? Is he okay?” Captain Pickering couldn’t resist sniping her subordinate just a little before even registering his condition. Then she saw the open head wound that the doctor was busy treating.

“I-I’m sorry, sir, I was on my way to the bridge when I ran into Commander Bowman in the hall… he’s received a significant head injury, I’m doing my best to treat him, but… ungh!”

Doctor Brianna Athens was a beautiful Sigmatoid, which meant that she had a limited amount of psychic ability. Her empathic capabilities made her a valuable asset as both a medical doctor and a counselor, but in situations like this the beautiful and clumsy (and woefully chesty, as her non-regulation uniform emphasized) young lady had a tendency of letting her thoughts be influenced by minds far stronger than her own.

“Doctor, what is it? What’s wrong?” Captain Pickering asked, her brow furrowing with concern.

“I-I don’t know, Captain,” the doctor said, rubbing her aching skull. Her long black hair fell askew as she did so, and the captain couldn’t help but notice the way her large breasts bounced. “I feel… a very powerful mind. A presence, an… intelligence. From the anomaly.”

Captain Pickering bristled. That was the last thing she wanted to hear right now. Immediately she sprung into action. “Dathena, shields up. For all we know, this is an ambush.”

“Shields up, phase cannons charged and ready to fire,” Dathena assured the bridge.

“C-Captain…” Jason was nursing the mother of all headaches, and he didn’t fully grasp what was going on. “I’m sorry I’m so late… I…”

“It’s fine, Commander, we have bigger fish to fry right now,” Captain Pickering replied. “Engineering, Celty, are you there?”

“A-Ah’m ‘ere, Cap’n!” Celty’s voice crackled over the speaker. “What in the bloody hell is gowen on? Suddenly the Santa Maria began shakin’ fierce, an’ now the engines are all banjaxed, she… Ah’m up to 90 in ‘ere, Cap’n!”

“We’re caught in an anomaly, Celty, and we need to get out of it,” Captain Pickering said firmly. “Reverse engines, warp factor 8.”

“Ah will, yeah, Cap’n,” Celty scoffed. “But… oi!”

The ship shook for a moment, as if it was trying to reverse course, but was stuck.

“Celty, what’s going on?” The captain demanded. “The ship isn’t moving!”

“Ah’m givin’ ‘er all she’s got, Cap’n!” Celty wailed. “But the effin’ engines jus’ aren’ listenin’!”

“That’s not good enough Celty, we need more power!” Captain Pickering barked, to little practical effect. Her tone softening, she turned to the Brianna. “Doctor, this presence… what can you tell me about it?”

Brianna opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out. Then, she slowly raised a trembling finger.

“It… it’s here.”

A flash of light came from the captain’s right, and she swiveled around in her chair to see…

A man dressed all in white, with bars on his shoulders like the captain of a boat, and a neat little bow tie on his collar. He had hair as white as his hat and a gentlemanly smile that would even seem charming, if not for the coldness in his gaze.

“Who are you?!” Captain Pickering demanded. “What are you doing on my ship!?”

The intruder grimaced at her. “I’m here to tell you that you’ve horned in on the galaxy too much as it is,” he said in a huff. “So return to your planet of origin immediately.”

Captain Pickering stared incredulously at the intruder and rose from her seat, almost in awe of the strangeness of another human just popping in like this.

“That… is quite a demand,” she said breathily. “And who exactly are you to make a demand like that?”

“We call ourselves the H Hoteliers,” the strange man declared. “From one captain to the other, I do solemnly request that you and your species go back to where you come from.”

“Excuse me!” Ensign Ricky declared. “Who are you to make any demands of us!?” She stormed towards the intruder and raised her phase pistol.

The white-haired man whipped his head towards her, and she was frozen solid. The ensign’s body, completely encased in ice, fell over and shattered into a thousand pieces.

Brianna gasped. “She’s dead, Jean.”

Then the pieces of Ensign Ricky reformed themselves into a human body again, and the newly-revived ensign glared at the intruder, crossing her arms over her chest.

“…Oh, never mind. She’s alive.”

The captain didn’t have time to thank the doctor for her quite helpful observations. She was too busy staring down the man in front of her.

“As I said,” the white-haired man snapped. “Go back, or you will face suffering the likes of which you have never seen- and greatly deserve.”

“Deserve? And what exactly have we done to ‘deserve’ whatever it is you just tried to do to my ensign?” Captain Pickering demanded.

The strange being who claimed himself to be from the H Hoteliers narrowed his eyes. “It seems you are not aware of the reputation your people have built up over the centuries,” he replied. “Perhaps a less subtle reference would be more illuminating.”

He snapped his fingers and his entire appearance changed. Gone with the stiff, starched shirt of a boating captain, and in its place stood a muscular man with a bald head and sunglasses and a dark goatee, clad only in a red bathrobe.

“Women are like cars,” he said in an exaggerated voice. “You can get a new one whenever you want, but you always want to keep the old one in good condition in case you need it again.”

The captain stared at the shapeshifting intruder with an incredulous- and enraged- look on her face.

“…Excuse me?” She rasped, practically growling. “What sort of nonsense are you spewing? Such horrid, misogynistic views are long behind us!”

“Oh really?” The amused man raised his eyebrow behind his sunglasses. “But you can’t deny that you’re still a dangerous, sexually-depraved child race.”

“I most strenuously deny it!” The captain indignantly declared. “I agree, we still were back when humans wore bathrobes and trafficked women and promoted themselves as ‘alphas’, but that was over four hundred years ago!”

The bald man snorted and shook his head. “Your species focused far too much on sex. Sexual ****, sexual content on television, promoting that the only value a woman has is if she is sexually appealing, and the only value a man has is in the number of sexual conquests he manages to obtain… admit it, Captain, your whole race is nothing more than a cluster of depraved and perverse sexual deviants who would be more liable to browse websites filled with compilations of pornographic fiction than accomplish anything of genuine merit.”

“I will not admit it!” Captain Pickering exclaimed. “True, four hundred years ago, people like that represented the worst of what our species had to offer, but even back in those days there were still people making strides towards progressive thinking and equality!”

The H entity smirked. “Progressive thinking and equality, eh?”

With a snap of his fingers, a flash of light filled the bridge, and the entity transformed once more, from a muscular bald man to a slender girl with bright pink hair caked in makeup and wearing braces designed to make her look like a child.

“Hiiii-eeee!” The strange being squeaked, waving cheerfully at the Captain. “Like, would you like to buy some of my bathwater? It’s sooooo goooood…” The entity finished with a long, deep moan, and then rolled her- his- its eyes back and stuck out their tongue like a panting dog.

“Progressiveness, the notion that women are just as capable of exploitation as men, how fitting.” The H entity’s expression shifted into a sneer. “That’s just the story of your species. Sexual exploitation, of yourselves, of others, doing whatever you can to get your rocks off, all over your filthy little planet. And then, when you developed space travel, you journeyed out into the galaxy, to find all new species to fuck!”

The intruder turned to Dathena and batted her eyelashes at the red-skinned security officer. “Isn’t that right?”

Dathena’s crimson cheeks flushed an even deeper shade of red, and she looked liable to leap across the panel and lunge at the entity. But she restrained herself, settling for muttering some Draegon allusions to various horrible events that befell wretched women.

The H entity smirked.

“Even four hundred years later,” they said, snapping their fingers and turning back into their original appearance of a kindly old man wearing a very unkindly expression, “mankind never changes. The same, sex-obsessed race.”

“No, you know what never changes?” Captain Pickering snapped. “What never changes is the presence of people like you. Self-righteous, prudish busybodies who spend their time judging others for expressing themselves and enjoying all life has to offer, instead of accomplishing anything of your so-called ‘genuine merit’ yourselves! You look down on human beings as if we were a race obsessed with sex and debauchery, but I say, you couldn’t be further from the truth! Simply because we do not share your puritanical views about sexual relationships, that does not mean we are in any way morally inferior to you!”

The H entity looked shocked for a moment, as if he wasn’t expecting the captain to say that. Captain Pickering didn’t even look like she had expected to say that.

Then the entity smiled.

“…That was an interesting thing you just said, ‘judging others’,” he said, stroking his chin. “Now that you’ve raised the idea, I think you’re right! Maybe your race should be judged. Judged on whether or not you deserve the right to keep spreading your perverse filth through the galaxy.”

Captain Pickering shook her head and stood her ground. “We’ve no fear of what the true facts of us will reveal.”

A sleazy smile stretched across the entity’s face. “I see… oh, that’s a splendid idea, Captain. A truly splendid idea.”

He snapped his fingers, and in a flash of light, the bridge was emptied.

---

The next thing every crewmember of the Santa Maria saw was the inside of a wide and spacious courtroom. It was brightly lit, with comfortable chairs provided for each of them, and the air was even set to a pleasant temperature- for the humans, anyway. Dathena found it far too cold for her tastes, while at the same time it was unbearably hot for Lieutenant Commander T’Risa. But neither woman even noticed such paltry discomfort, in the face of such a situation. The hospitable façade of their new environment stood in harsh contrast to the grim reality before them.

Every member of the crew was keenly aware that they were under the control of an entity who far surpassed their meager capabilities. It was abundantly clear that, should the H entity desire it, they could have been transported into the void of space, instead of this facsimile of a human courtroom.

Kody scanned her surroundings, adjusting to the sudden shift in her situation. More than any other member of the crew, she had been affected the most by the transportation. Her connection to the Santa Maria had been severed by whatever the entity had done to bring them here, and none of her attempts to reestablish the connection were successful.

In spite of that, the A.I. was quite intrigued by the location her avatar had been taken to. “Captain, this appears to be a very exceptional facsimile of a United States courtroom. The attention to detail is immaculate. It is a precise replication.”

“Yes,” Captain Pickering said with a nod. “Mid-21st century. The post-McNugget tribunals.”

“I would be careful, Captain,” Brianna warned. “This is not a dream or an illusion.”

Dathena rolled her eyes and sat down on the chair. “Marzon, naming the sky’s color,” she scoffed. The doctor crinkled her nose.

“Indeed, that observation is quite astute, Doctor,” T’Risa agreed. “We are standing in a physical replication of one of your old earth’s courtrooms.”

The captain shook her head in sheer disbelief. “But these courts belong in the past,” she insisted. “We’ve long-since abandoned the days where judges condemned their political opponents in mock trials.”

But it was impossible to deny reality. One need only look to the gallery, where camera upon camera was aimed towards their seats, and behind those cameras stood a screen, projecting the words of countless people watching from all across…

The earth? The universe? Countless universes beyond imagining?

Captain Pickering did not know, and that alarmed and intrigued her.

“L O L this is gonna be great”

“Damn they bitches thicc tho”

“CHICKEN JOCKEY!”

“I can’t wait to see ‘em smash”

“six seven!”

“Gimme them titties on the red one”

“Sigma sigma sigma boooii”

“When we gonna get the boobs”

As the feed increased in speed, the words and usernames became illegible. But as a student of history Captain Pickering knew that each user represented a vote, cast to determine innocence or guilt of the accused. In the days of old earth, these trials were streamed live, so viewers could decide whether or not to cancel those on trial.

And very rarely did they choose not to do so.

Before she could fully process the ramifications of what lay before her, a large throne descended from the ceiling, and in it, sat their judge.

It took a moment for the captain to realize that it was the same entity who had brought them there in the first place, because once again the being had changed its appearance, now resembling a young blonde woman wearing a red, white, and blue cowboy hat and a very skimpy vest and jeans. She smirked as she looked down at them, clearly enjoying her feeling of smug superiority.

“Welcome, prisoners, to my court room,” the H entity declared, extending her arms. “Here, we attempt to… spice up the administration of justice.”

“And how exactly do you go about doing that?” Captain Pickering asked, raising a quizzical eyebrow.

The H entity smirked. “It’s very simple, Captain. You gotta give ‘em that hawk tuah, and spit on that thang.”

Her answer was met with a sea of empty stares. Captain Pickering scrunched up her face in confusion, then turned to Kody.

“I believe that is a form of old earth slang,” Kody informed her. “According to my records, it is referring to the process of oral sex with male genitalia. Such actions are performed by-”

“Yes, that will be quite enough, Kody,” Captain Pickering said, shifting uncomfortably in place. She glared up at the smirking blonde.

“Oh, don’t look so dour, Captain,” the H entity crooned, returning to their old sea captain appearance. “I’m just giving you what you asked for. A chance to be judged, on the merits of humanity…”

“Can we assume you mean… this will be a fair trial, then?” Captain Pickering asked, keeping the tremor out of her voice.

“Yes,” the H entity replied in a tone almost verging on mocking. “Absolutely equitable. That’s the standard we aim for in this era, after all. Equity, not equality.

Without a word, Captain Pickering took her seat, and beckoned for the rest of her crew to do the same. This would no-doubt be a battle of wills with this entity, who could no-doubt end them all with a snap of his fingers. And yet… it did not.

For whatever reason, the H entity was going to the trouble of a trial first. Perhaps to legitimize their actions. But for what purpose, she did not know. All she could hope for, then, was the possibility that there was someone this being answered to.

A slim hope, perhaps, but hope nonetheless.

The H entity began their declaration.

“The nine of you stand before this court today to answer for the multiple heinous sexual deviances of the human race. How do you plead?”

“Objection,” Captain Pickering immediately declared, rising to her feet. “You would have the members of my crew stand trial for the crime of being human. And yet, sitting before you are two women of different species and an artificial intelligence. So I present that your premise is improper on its face!”

The H entity smirked. “I see. Then tell me, Captain, for what purpose was your android’s body given sexual orifices, then, if not for the sake of sexual deviancy?”

The captain was at a momentary loss for words. Commander Bowman cast an incredulous look at the android, who seemed as unfazed as usual by the obscene question.

“It is quite a conundrum indeed,” she responded, almost sounding confused. “My creator did not specify the purpose for installing this body with human genitalia. But I assure you, Captain, they are fully functional.”

Captain Pickering’s eye twitched.

“Make no mistake, Captain, your crew has not been brought to trial under false pretenses, human or no,” the H entity asserted, leaning down and looking deeply into the captain’s eyes. “Although your crewmates may not share your human ancestry, make no mistake that they are just as deviant as any one of you. And thus, this court sees fit to charge your entire crew- nay, the human race as a whole, with the crime of being a sexually deviant species.”

Captain Pickering stepped forward and faced her accuser without hesitation. “The term ‘sexually deviant’ could mean anything. Historically, it has been used to describe those who had sex with other sentient species, those who had sex with artificial intelligence, those who had sex with members of their own gender, and those who had sex with the lights on! I will not answer to charges of such duplicitous vagaries, and will only answer to specific charges.”

The H entity smirked. “Are you certain you want a full disclosure of human ugliness? So be it, fool. Presenting the charges!”

With a snap of his fingers the H entity presented a screen like that on an old computer. The headline “Brazzers” flashed across it, and moments later, the moans and gasps of copulation echoed through the vacant courtroom as the couple onscreen fucked each other silly, all while the H entity smiled with glee.

Captain Pickering’s lack of amusement stood plain on her face.

“I see nothing in that video that would implicate any of us,” she replied ambivalently.

The H entity’s smirk widened.

“Then perhaps this should do you better?” He asked, snapping his fingers. In an instant the scene changed, and the porn stars were replaced with two very familiar faces. The image of the Santa Maria’s First Officer and Chief Engineer having sex in the engine room- an event that took place not half an hour ago- was broadcast for everyone to see.

Kelsey smiled with glee while Ensign Ricky just scowled. Captain Pickering failed to hide her disappointed exasperation as Celty turned scarlet and Commander Bowman cringed.

“Sir-” Jason feebly tried to explain himself but the captain didn’t even spare him a glance.

“While it is true that members of my crew may engage in certain… dalliances, that does not mean that they are guilty of being sexual deviants,” she asserted.

“Correct,” T’Risa agreed. “While it is not proper for crewmates to engage in sexual intercourse, there is no law under the United Federation of Stellar Nations charter that prohibits such behavior.”

“…Fortunately for you, isn’t it?” The H entity sneered, snapping his fingers once more.

“Ah… fuck me… yes… you human stud… ah… yes… FUCK! Fill me… fill me with your warm seed, please, oh! OH! Yes… heat me up from inside, melt my frozen core with your manliness, yes, give it to me-!”

The passionate moans of the Yuhtenn officer filled the courtroom as the scene onscreen shifted once more to show Commander Bowman bending the ship’s Science Officer over her console while slamming his hips into her pale rear. The Yuhtenn’s icy skin was practically glowing with warmth as her face was twisted in an uncharacteristic display of ecstatic bliss, and her blue eyes rolled back into her head.

In the present, the real Commander Bowman looked down at the floor in shame as Celty stared at him in shock. But T’Risa seemed completely unperturbed even when presented with evidence of her own sexual misconduct. Not even the cackling laugh of Ensign Masher seemed to rattle her.

Only when the video finished playing in its entirety did the frost woman finally speak.

“As I am certain you are aware, every seven years Yuhtenns go through a heat cycle where their bodies naturally warm up to the point that their health is in danger, and should they not take a mate during this period, they will perish,” Lieutenant Commander T’Risa calmly stated. “If the only male on the ship is a member of the crew, engaging in such actions is simply rational. It requires neither the desire nor the interest of either party involved.”

It was a compelling argument. Not that the Chief Engineer felt better about it.

“That’s just the beginning of your crew’s offenses, Captain,” the H entity said calmly. “Shall I bring up the tendencies of the Draegon to conquer their would-be mates in battle before engaging in sexual intercourse? Or perhaps, I could recount more specific instances of your crew’s sexual misadventures on your long voyage through space?”

Captain Pickering seethed. “No, that will not be necessary,” she replied.

“Oh, but I think it will be!” The H entity’s face twisted in mock shock. “After all, you were the one who insisted on specific charges, Captain. And I have so, so many…”

With a wave of his hand the entity conjured up a telescreen, and read out the list of charges.

“The colony on Zentek III, how many of you partook in the orgy, was it?”

The captain frowned. “The precise number-”

“Or the tentacle creature on Gropalia’s forbidden swamp, I believe your crew defied a direct order on that one, violating the primary directive, as well as the bodies of several young virgins.”

“As I explained in my report, the circumstances of that incident were unique-”

“And were the conditions also unique, when you and your first officer broke the warp barrier and mutated into… what was it again? Salamanders? Frogs? And then the both of you-”

The captain’s face turned red but she stood her ground. “Commander Bowman and I were under the influence of primal forces beyond our control, we cannot be held responsible for-”

“Oh, and on the topic of responsibility, shall we discuss your last mission, then? Tell me, Commander, how was the duke’s daughter?”

Captain Pickering turned to her first officer, and her jaw dropped in shock. She couldn’t understand how it was possible, but she was actually finding it difficult to defend her crew against these allegations!

“Commander Bowman-”

“It’s not just the Commander, Captain, it’s you as well,” the H entity said with a smirk. “On Altares V, you-”

“Alright, you’ve made your point!” Captain Pickering snapped, her face burning. “We admit, there is evidence to support the court’s contention that this crew has been sexually deviant!”

The H entity smirked with triumph as the faces of the crew of the Santa Maria tensed. Dathena looked ready to spit fire while Ensign Ricky braced herself for whatever unspeakable punishment would no-doubt fall to her first.

But Captain Pickering wasn’t finished. “Therefore, I say test us!”

The H entity perked up at this.

“Test whether this is presently true of my crew, of humanity!” The captain declared, desperation leaching into her voice in spite of her best efforts. “Give us the chance to prove that we can move past these… base desires and restrain ourselves, comport ourselves with dignity and respectability that would meet your lofty standards of conduct!”

The H entity seemed intrigued. “I see… I see! And so you petition the court to accept you and your comrades as proof of what humanity has become?”

“There must be many ways we can be tested,” Captain Pickering said. “We have a long mission ahead of us-”

“Another brilliant suggestion, Captain,” the entity interrupted her. “But your test hardly requires a long mission. No… I believe I have the perfect proving ground for your assertion. And it won’t even be an inconvenience for you or your crew.”

“What do you mean by that?” Captain Pickering demanded.

“What I mean is, I will transport you to a planet of my own choosing,” the H entity explained calmly. “And there you will find yourself set to undertake a trial that offers far more challenge than you can possibly imagine. So what say you, Captain? Will you accept?”

Captain Pickering looked back at her crew. They all looked shaken, but in their eyes she could see resolve, even in the most doubtful of them. Commander Bowman looked uncertain, but when his eyes met hers, she knew that she could trust him completely.

“…Yes,” she said, turning back to the H entity. “I have absolute faith that my crew can meet any challenge you present.”

The H entity smirked. “Yes, Captain. Your crew, perhaps. …But not you.”

Captain Pickering had only an instant to question what that meant before the H entity snapped his fingers.

And then she found herself questioning a lot of things.

“Like, what’s going on?!” She cried out in a bubbly voice as her body began to glow.

The crew of the Santa Maria watched on in horror as Captain Pickering’s glowing figure began to change. Although the entity had displayed the capability of altering the captain’s appearance in the blink of an eye, for whatever reason he saw fit to stretch out her transformation. The captain’s short coiffed silver hair lengthened and softened, trailing all the way down to her ass, which began to expand into a wobbling shelf of quivering meat. At the same time her breasts inflated like a pair of balloons pumped up with helium, and her eyes took on a glassy stare as they turned bright blue. It was as if you could see all that class and distinguished wisdom and intelligence draining out of her mind, and by the time the light faded, the woman standing in front of them could hardly be recognized as the Captain Pickering they all respected.

“Like… oh my gosh! What’s happening?” The transformed captain tilted her head to the side in confusion. “I feel so… bouncy!”

“Captain!” Doctor Brianna tripped over her own feet rushing to the captain’s aid, and fell flat on her face. Thankfully her own sizeable breasts were more than enough to cushion the fall- and it was far from the first time.

“Wot… what ‘appened to ‘er?” Celty questioned in disbelief.

“I-I don’t know… Captain?” Jason rose to his feet, shaking, and approached his altered captain. She turned and looked back at him, smiling a warm and sunny smile when she recognized him.

“Oh, Jason!” She cooed. “Like, what’s going on? I’m so confused…”

Commander Bowman was stunned. Gone was the beautiful and dignified captain he’d looked up to for so many years, and in her place stood a hazy-eyed woman with an obscene figure and a vapid laugh.

“What is the meaning of this?!” Dathena roared, leaping to her feet in protest. “What have you done to her!?”

“Far less than I will do to you, if you step out of line,” the H entity snarled, all trace of affability gone from his voice. He silenced the crew with a glare and rose from his seat. “Captain Pickering has been put on pause right now. She was becoming far too insufferable for my tastes, so I decided to notch that intelligence down a bit and make her a little bit more agreeable. Just to keep her from obstructing things too much moving forward. And besides- she isn’t the one being put on trial here. You heard her yourselves- ‘I have absolute faith that my crew can meet any challenge you present.’ Well, here is my challenge. And I am presenting it.”

“Turn her back!” Jason demanded. “None of us are going to take part in this test of yours unless you turn her back!”

The H entity sighed and clicked his tongue, smiling ruefully down at him. “Oh, Commander- No, Acting Captain Bowman! …You just don’t understand, do you? You’re already taking part in my test. And this is just the start. If you pass, have no fear, your beloved Captain Pickering will be returned to you, whole and hale.”

He leaned forward, a gleeful smile on his lips. “But… should you fail… you, and the rest of your crew, will meet a far worse fate than she. Do I make myself clear?”

The entity’s words were directed as Jason, but every member of the crew could feel them directed their way. Even T’Risa felt a shiver down her spine at the sense of finality in the being’s words.

Jason swallowed. Captain Pickering… just one look and you can tell she’s incapacitated. That means I’m in command now.

This wasn’t the first time he’d had to take over command because something happened to the captain. But the circumstances in those instances had been far more manageable than here. Here… Jason didn’t know what to expect.

But he knew what the captain would do in this situation.

“We understand your ultimatum,” he snapped, standing up tall and doing his best to channel the captain he admired. “We aren’t intimidated by you.”

The H entity smiled. “Excellent,” he replied. “Then let’s proceed to Harem Hotel.”

And with a snap of his fingers, he cleared the courtroom.