Hannah Fry and Rebecca Roache

Although he focused on Hollywood, John didn't shy away from other kinds of clients - including academics. They had the same basic needs as any celebrity. Exposure and awareness could make or break their careers, and when it came to tenure, promotions or funding for projects, they could always use a leg up.

That's why, when two British lecturers reached out for his help, John had his assistant schedule both of them at the same time.

They came prepared. Dr Hannah Fry stood in front of a writing paper pad full of formulas near and dear to her heart. Her wide smile showed her pride in those figures even if he couldn't understand a line of it. Dr Rebecca Roache, meanwhile, had one of her co-authored papers displayed on a screen behind her. While Hannah looked happy, Rebecca looked smug, one eager to share her work and make her case and the other ready to flaunt it.

He didn't need to hear a word of it.

"I'm so delighted you're willing to see us," Hannah said. "I promise, you won't be disappointed. If you look here-"

"Stop," John commanded. "Tell me more about yourselves."

Hannah cleared her throat. "Well, I'm a mathematician. Professor in the Mathematics of Cities at University College London, to be exact. You might have seen me on the telly or read one of my books. I like to make math less boring by making it relatable."

John pointed to Rebecca, who smirked at the chance to boast her own credentials. "I'm a philosopher, senior lecturer at the Royal Holloway, University of London. I'm quite well known for what I said about the ethics of enhanced punishment, like using technology to make life sentences longer. I love exploring the ethics of free will and personal identity."

"Oh, then you're going to love me," John said. He sized them up and quickly decided their fates. "Hannah, you're way too hot to waste your time on math. From now on, you'll put your mind on being the best braindead bimbo you can be. You'll be much more relatable that way, and isn't that what you said matters most?"

"But... but..." Through her stammering, Hannah's brain already went fuzzy at the formulas she wrote moments ago. She stared, trying her best to remember what they meant, coming up with a complete blank.

John turned to his next victim. "Rebecca, since you love exploring identity and free will, how about this: starting today, you're not allowed to shave, bathe, or do anything else meant to make you look and feel pretty. The only exception is for anything health-related like brushing your teeth. You'll keep a daily video journal of your progress and post it online, discussing the ethics of not being able to control your own actions and how it's changing your identity."

"You can't be serious," Rebecca said, but already she could feel her thoughts shift away from the shower she planned to take right after this meeting.