Hand-holding

Ah, governments.

After the show of power, I was invited to make an embassy with almost all of the UN member states. That part is no big deal: Sell some gold, buy some land, cast Resplendent Mansion, and I have a building up to 300 feet on a side with several floors in whatever design with whatever mundane innards I like. A Create Spring spell produces a permanent water supply, a Wall of Fire spell runs a steam engine to power a generator for electricity, some pumps extract the water from the spring to keep the boiler fed and supply water for the plumbing. Mage's Magnificent Mansion gives me a section with sharply limited access. A few dozen Conjuration Companions to watch the place, and I'm in business. The host country is responsible for border security, but anything happening within the building is mine. And with Time Warp, they all go up as quickly as my minions can purchase the land. Nah, that's not the problem.

The problem… well, take Guelphia, a small island nation of a little over three million, located in the South Pacific…

After the formalities are out of the way, I'm sitting down with the current Prime Minister (the prior one having ‘mysteriously’ vanished…) for tea. As I'm taking a sip, the gray haired man in a silk suit takes a breath, “So… about my predecessor and the budget comittee….”

“In addition to removing all employees of the Bureau of Magical Management and active contractors who were in on it, I also removed everyone who was knowingly and willingly involved in their funding,” I answer bluntly. “Yes, that included six members of parliament and your predecessor, as identified by certain members of the BMM and confirmed during interrogation of the removed persons of interest.”

As he's sitting there, frozen, I continue, “The Bureau was involved in some very dark things. People were declared legal non-people with no trial, simply because they were different. These supposed non-people were then enslaved or killed out of hand. Many were repeatedly ****, or **** to **** others. So yes, I removed everyone involved: Approximately three quarters of a million people captured, interrogated, and sentenced over the course of several days.”

He blinks at me a few times, “You're openly admitting that your agents crossed international borders and kidnapped citizens of other countries, including high ranking officials, tortured them for information, and killed them?”

“Absolutely not, on a couple counts,” I smile calmly, “First, there was no need for an agent to cross a border: All BMM constituents came to Martian territory, without a valid visa, and we're immediately captured.” Because I used Call Planar Creature to bring them to me until it took, depositing them in a trap. I Warp the teapot to my hand. “Second, we have no need of ****. The BMM used mind-control devices on those who are now my citizens, so I saw no reason to avoid using it on their constituents: They simply answered every question put to them.” Because I hit them with Dominate Person until it stuck. I refresh my tea a little. “Third, there were no agents involved: I, personally, handled every capture, every interrogation, and every sentencing; I was present when the sentences were carried out: All 786,362 individuals.” I pause a moment, and Warp the teapot back into place, “I could go on with other places where you are factually incorrect, but I don't see a need, do you?” I can let him think they're dead, even though that is not technically true… until the next time I perish myself. Then they'll all die of vacuum exposure, as that minion is currently en route to MoM-z14 the long way.

His voice is a little raspy as he agrees, “I suppose not,” he takes a sip of tea to whet his very dry throat, “Personally, you say?”

“Yes,” I sip my tea, “there are a few other people within my government capable of such things,” now, “but I personally did the deeds in question.”

“The legality of that…” he shakes his head.

I chuckle, “Well, that's where things get interesting,” I take a breath, “You see, ‘International law’ is really ‘multinational treaty’ and ultimately only applies to the signatory countries and their citizens, as appropriate. All of my actions were taken within Martian territory,” a space outside of space created by my servants is under my rule, right? “as part of an officially sanctioned operation under Martian law.” Because I said so, and I'm the dictator… as long as the others don't depose me, anyway. “Additionally, as of the date I performed those deeds, Mars had yet to sign any treaty that might forbid them.” Which, due to the nature of international enforcement, is all true right up until someone stronger says it isn't… but the point is to give him something he can tell others for why he didn't do anything that's not some variation of ‘She’s scary.’ I smile calmly, “So you see, you have no need to try and arrest me: All of those actions were quite legal.” I'm… not going to mention the theatrics at the UN. Among other things, it's not his jurisdiction.

“I see,” he stares at the teapot for a while, then refreshes his own cup, “Tell me… is there anything… ah….”

Stopping me from **** you from your bed whenever I feel like it? The only thing capable of stopping me? My conscience, “The abilities of myself and other Martians have not waned in the slightest.” I shrug and take a sip. It's good tea, at least. “But there are a few things that aren't so prevalent on Mars we could use.”

I can practically hear him sending up a silent prayer of thanks… I am giving him a ‘handle’, so to speak, “You're interested in trade. Well… we can see what we can offer. What can you provide?”

“It turns out that in the lower gravity, dense minerals stayed closer to the surface,” I am talking out of my rear end here, good thing my Bluff score is insane, "so we have no shortage of minerals such as copper, iron, gold, lead, uranium, plutonium, silver, and others. Plus transportation services; medical too, of course, but that isn't something for which we will take payment.” The second half is true… at this point, I can make minions who can do all that.

“There's certainly a market here for many of those…” I can practically see the gears turning, “what do you need?”

“Mars isn't a great place for growing things,” I chuckle, “Spices, beans, cheese, livestock, chocolate, coffee beans, wheat, sugar, salt and pepper… those are harder to come by.” I can make virtually indistinguishable substitutes, but those things are all trade goods, useful for crafting magical items, which are still useful to me. We can produce food with no practical cap, but due to Adam's headcannon, can't magic up gear for traditional crafting… and can only get Starfinder gear via Starfinder crafting.

“Provided we can get some assurances that no more of our citizens will randomly appear on Mars,” the man who replaced the guy I vanished considers, “then I think we can come to an arrangement you'll find favorable…” we get down to actually haggling over tariffs and restrictions on goods for a while, and when we're finally at agreement, he adds, “One thing… I do appreciate that you skipped meeting with other countries’ leaders to work with me first.”

Heh, oh he'll find out as soon as he gets home and turns on the news, may as well let him know… “While I am meeting with you, I'm not skipping anyone,” I smile, “While I'm here with you, I'm also with…” I take a moment to check the calendar on my magic computer, which admittedly is having fits about my schedule, “...about three dozen other world leaders. I am not as linear as I used to be, and being in three dozen places at once is perfectly viable now.” Specifically I've been in a dozen places so far ‘today’. Basically after I'm done with one, I Time Warp back to the beginning of the day and go do another. My own personal timeline is linear… but for everyone else, I'm in multiple places at once. I think I'm in Wakanda next? The specific order doesn't really matter.

It's all a farce. No country is equipped to deal with Teleportation, so I can make as many shell companies as I want to sell minerals and buy whatever goods I want, completely bypassing customs. The real point here is to calm people down without making them think I'm weak or helpless in some way. If they're providing something we use - and I do plan a lot of crafting, mostly Necklaces of Adaptation to rent to visitors - they'll have reason to believe I'll stick to my word about NOT disappearing them… which of course means they feel a bit better about formalizing what, exactly, I mean when I say all Mythics are my citizens. How to contact me about a Mythic who's causing trouble. How I will handle extraction. That I recognize dual-citizenship and won't punish them in a way overly out of line of the actual trouble caused. How I will respond in the event I discover someone has been misidentified as one of my citizens. And so on. Also covered are the normal things between nations - passports, extradition, general tariffs, and whatnot.

And every last one has basically the same set of concerns with minor variations. I live my own version of Groundhog's Day, negotiating separately with nearly every nation on the planet, walking a tightrope between, “Why yes, I am a thermonuclear warhead,” and “I'm perfectly reasonable and rational.” It's stressful.

But there's more cleanup to do….