Guilt and Consequences Chapter 31

An: TW really freaking sad.

Alice pov:

Liz probably didn't mean me to hear the last part but I did, 'didn't even know', and there was apparently something on this USB drive to justify everything, including my two best friends siding against me.

Chris changing everything for some Hare brained scheme.

The look of disgust on both Seb and Liz's faces.

The tears I made Chris pour out.

The tears I cried, thinking 'Should I let this work, should I punish him, make him too scared to ever try again to finally leave me alone.'

I settled on pushing him to and Beyond his limits.

See if between what was left of him and him finally looking my type we could make something work.

If maybe I made him pay enough I could forget the pain and remember who we used to be.

The answers I got last night did nothing to make me or my responses less volatile, bouncing between the options, and again consistently landing on breaking him before seeing if we can make something work.

It took me awhile to realize, but part of the problem?

I fundamentally WAS afraid of my former best friend, not even all of that was his fault, but enough of it was.

So I'd make him fear me, tear that balance back.

Then maybe I could see the sweet boy he used to be and the cute girl he was trying to imitate.

I stubbornly still didn't think I went too far until finally after drinking some coffee and cleaning up some of the mess, I booted the drive Liz left for me.

They clearly thought I was a monster, there has to be a reason for that, I would look at this drive see whatever bS they had come to believe that would forgive his behavior.

I'd call them out on falling for whatever it was and then they would turn on him to, then I would protect him from the worst of the back lash, having already gotten most of my pound of Flesh.

The way I used to protect him when we were growing up.

That was my thought until it opened the first video file and my world dissolved into self-hating grief.

The cruel bitch even had it set to autoplay the next file, videos, audio, news articles, interviews.

Ending with videos of Chris, true joy on his face.

Like I'd not seen since what felt like a lifetime ago.

'Liz why are you recording? I just trying on a new sundress I'm not even doing anything spicy, yet.' wink*

'Do I have to have a reason to want to remember you looking this cute? Sundresses are God's gift to lesbians.'

'We both know the real gift here is you, I never would have figured myself out without you.'

Video after video of Chris becoming this new version of himself (herself?) happier and happier, a smile that actually reached his eyes.

And the way he talked about me with them, I just couldn't continue watching.

What Liz had said was true.

He, no, she really had changed, for the better embodying all the things I loved about him when we grew up and all the things I wish he could have been so we could have been happy.

And one crushing thought, 'and the first time I see him, with everything wrong finally fixed I decide I want to break him not realizing she already was and had barely been healed and holding herself together.' sob 'I really was a bitch wasn't I?'

Fuck, that's not even mentioning the camp shit, I was his best friend and I didn't notice, didn't put two and two together when he came back and all the sudden cared about masculine things and being something he never was.

Trying to match some ideal he never cared about right after my first rejection.

At the very least I should have known the way I worded my rejection sounded like a challenge, that if he was just a little bit better he wouldn't lose me.

I didn't have to let him date me to have avoided this, two clear paths that were brighter laid bare before me, be honest with my best friend; trust them not to disown me for being a lesbian OR buck every Norm like we always had been and make sure he understood that nothing and no one could make us part.

He changed himself to every extreme stereotype to avoid losing me.

And all I could see was him becoming annoying and harassing me, see him working his ass off for what he thought I needed and only believing him ghosting me out of spite.

My poor little Ace bestie, upon learning the truth of what I needed, discarded everything that didn't fit, then allowed themselves to be turned into a sex addicted toy, just for the long shot that we might be 'us' again.

I always teased him about the way that he thought about things, but told him it was one of his best qualities when other people gave him shit for it.

Then I went and assumed his actions had normal motivations instead of those that fit the kind-hearted but confused sweet boy I knew.

'Kris, maybe I could have loved her the way I used to love him. The him before he changed from that cursed fucking camp!'

I guess it was my turn to fall asleep crying, surrounded by the evidence of what ifs.

I Didn't leave the hotel room until well after the con was fully wrapped up and I wondered aimlessly in my car, unsure where to go or what to do.

Until I saw the building that must have been the one from that first audio recording.

It wouldn't be the same but it would be closer than just being lost.

I would end up here again, almost every day for the following month after rewatching the USB drive again, just staring and thinking, before something finally changed.

Something I didn't deserve.

Liz Pov:

It's been a month since that disastrous night, Kris still wasn't back to her usual self yet.

I was out doing some shopping, Sebastian was staying with her for the time being.

If he kept staying with her like this maybe I'd be able to convince her he doesn't hate her. It would be easier if he didn't have to leave to go home and take care of his own Sub.

Or if that sub wasn't Sarah.

Driving past the neighborhood I learned more about when searching for Kris, than I had from living there for years, I stared fondly at the building where I first saw Kris as herself, truly for the first time.

Even with a darkness that surrounded the circumstance of the memory, that calm moment overlooking the town and realizing Kris wasn't the asshole I thought he was, it brought a smile to my face. Maybe I should go up there and take a picture for the memories.

It was a pleasant thought until I noticed something and a frown formed on my face.

Was that fucking Alice?!

On our spot?!

She already ruined so much of MY girl, she would not sully THIS.

It may not have been a rational thought but jealousy was real and it drove me, I needed to talk AT her.

Needed to make sure she understood.

That she couldn't hurt WHAT WAS MINE EVER AGAIN.

The only thing that stopped me from immediately starting a shouting match was realizing, as I got closer, she was sobbing harder than I'd ever heard her cry before.

That plus she was dangerously close to accidentally falling off the edge, and that the way she was gripping the side of the building it wouldn't be hard for her to do it on purpose either.

As much as I currently hated her I knew that it wouldn't last, she was too important to my girl.... And she was one of my best friends, even if she was currently the biggest fuck up I knew.

So instead of the shouting match I wanted I slowly approached her like I had Kris that first day. Made sure not to Spook her as best I could.

"You know I was going to give you shit for this being our spot, but I think I can make an exception for you, at least this time."

sob "Sorry I'll be gone soon."

"Well before you go, you want to tell me what's eating you, I can make a good guess but I feel like that would be a little insensitive, even for me. "

"You know damn well what's eating me, I really fucked up and there's no salvaging it, not after what I did to her. "

"You know you really do piss me off. "

"Yeah I gathered. "

"It's probably not for the reason you think, Still upsetting though "

"What did I get wrong this time, "

"What you got wrong this time, is still underestimating and misunderstanding your supposed best friend, you do know they let you do that to them, she told me there were several times she could have forced her way out, but she knew that, for some sick reason, you needed this so she would let you have it. Whatever you fucking needed."

"What !? No she was too well trained, I took control and I bound her too tight! She couldn't have gotten out if she wanted to!"

"How do I remember that she knows how to pick locks but you don't? And sure she was well-trained but you were never her mistress, if she wanted, she could have pushed through the Instinct that came from you having the right tone and words."

"Fuck how could I forget that, it was one of the best nights we ever had, she was so proud she had gotten so good at it."

"Glad you're referring to her correctly at least, small steps and all that. It's one of her best memories of you too. This is actually the place where she told me that story. About how much she missed you and how much she knew she fucked up but would still keep trying to unfuck them, she just needed someone to tell her how. She was more than capable of doing the hard work. She said it best during one of our training sessions, 'I can be a good girl if someone would just show me how.' "

"She always did have enough determination for the both of us despite always being so scared, so bullied. Do you think this is something I could unfuck? If the roles were reversed she'd still try wouldn't she? "

"Yeah and it's one of the things I love about her, the question is Do You want to try?"

"You'd... let me? " there was a quiver in her voice, it was so rare for Alice.

"Against my better judgment and only because I know she would want me to, hell she thought that you called me and Sebastian so we could pick her up fix her just enough so you could break her again, and she was willing if it's what you needed, so don't fuck this up or I might push you off this building myself. Now get your ass moving you're coming with me. "

"Fair, I'd hate the bastard that broke them too. How do we do this, because I'm not familiar with extracting myself from a clusterfuck this big with people I actually care about."

"I'll tell you on the way, i'll grab us both coffees there's no way you'll be able to deal with this non-caffeinated. "

A/N sorry about the feels, sexy is back next chapter.

Currently fighting the dyslexia demons to proof read what I've got written already, if you would like to buy me a coffee so I can push through, pop over by my Patreon, link in bio.