God's Apprentice, by HipsDontLie

“Oh greaaaaat, it’s a story were a guy gets ultimate power by God and uses it to do what he wants. We have only covered that same story like FIVE BILLION TIMES!”

“No Gina, this time it is not the same.”

“How so, Marcie?”

“God's Apprentice, by HipsDontLie is the story that brought forth Bringer of Light.”

“Eh...oh...Ohhhh! That one! That was like, holy shit five years ago?”

“Not near long enough. The memory of that atrocity still lingers.”

“Yeah, I remember, Marcie. You like completely freaked out back then.”

“With good cause. Bringer of Light has since been surpassed in its vileness. But it will always hold a special place in my heart.”

“So, this is like the main story of that? Despite your bitching Bringer of Light was pretty bombastic. So this one has a lot to live up to.”

“Let us just hope there is no genocide this time.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Michael, you've be chosen among all men. You will be granted absolute power over the whole universe.

“Another Michael. Fantastic. I have three of those fucks on my scumbag list already. Let’s see how this one compares.”

Human age slowly. They look almost the same from 20 to 50 years old, and 60 is the new 30. They start looking like what was once 40 after they reached 120 years old. When they feel tired of life, old people can simply turn into trees.

“Not too bad actually. He tries his best to make the world a utopia.”

“Yeah, unfortunately he’s also a moron so instead humanity gets tossed back into the stone age! Good job, dipshit!”

“Would you believe that this is only the second story we read with a stone age setting?”

“I do, Marcie. What I don’t believe is that Michael comes face to face with a cave lion and don’t gets mauled to ****. Instead he meets up with his sister. Geez, I wonder where this is going.”

You don't answer. You're suddenly wondering wether or not it would be ok to fuck your sister right now.

“Wow, what a surprise. What is it with stone age stories and ****? This is two for two.”

“You know what is also in the stone age, Gina? The grammar.”

“Your boobs acting up?”

“Only mildly. The grammar is bad but not yet lactating grade bad.”

“I am sure Hips will be happy to know that.”

Your omniscience answers: Not so much. But surprisingly, **** is okay. After all, you made sure to ban all deformities, diseases and disabilities, meaning inbred children have no more reasons to face health issues than others.

No, the reason why you can't have sex with your big sister is that she's, well, your big sister. Your tribe's traditions are really clear: In a relationship, the man must always be the older one. Lara is promised to another man, anyway. Some Martin Leblanc guy.

You can still fuck your little sister, though.

“This is an entire chapter by the way. Yeah, it’s one of those stories.”

“Michael really wants to have sexual relations with his older sister though. Hence he invents a surprisingly detailed rule-set pertaining to incestuous relations, which for some reason only applies to western Europe. What a strange distinction.”

“Why the fuck does he even need to do all that? It’s the stone age for fucks sake. Jerk’s stone age story had ****! And it didn’t come with any bullshit sister fucking rules Why the fuck am I tricked into reading stone age **** twice, Marcie? Is there a Megalodon in this? If I’m **** to read stone age **** I better get to see a fucking Megalodon!”

“Gina, please calm down.”

“I’m just saying! Fuck’s sake.”

“Michael proceeds to have sex with his sister. He then moves back to camp where his little sister awaits. They are also having coitus.”

“Great. Really looking forward were this goes from here. Wherever it goes, there better be a Megalodon.”

“The Megalodon went extinct long before the dawn of men, Gina.”

“Yeah, but I don’t expect this goober to know that.”

“You know what else went extinct, Gina?”

“My hopes and dreams?”

“This branch.”

“...”

“This was the last chapter from Hips. Someone else did take over but as you know…”

“Fucking hell, this is Hvast all over again. Maybe stop jerking it to your sisters and finish your fucking stories instead!”

“We did reach ten chapters, if barely. That said, they were all rather short and the author has written more branches.”

“Yeah, yeah, more branches. Let’s just get this over with.”

“So, next branch...”

When Michael Hazelton was 16, an unkown plague erupted and killed all the human male population but him. Many women died, too, but the disease only targeted those who didn't match Michael's taste. Then all women on earth agreed that Michael, as the last man alive, should be their rightful leader.

“An unkown plague, huh? I am no stranger to that.”

“Less shitty jokes nobody gets, more focus on the important part, Marcie.”

standing on top of a char higher than your house

"Will you get some of them to join you on the char?"

“I think he means chair, but the fact that the author manages to misspell the word twice has me very concerned.”

“Riveting, What about the giant parade the plague survivors throw this genocidal piece of shit?”

“Oh yes, that would not happen.”

“You don’t say, Marcie.”

“Killing all males would collapse human civilization as we know it. Basic infrastructure would break down. But the protagonist did not just stop there, he also eliminated all females that do not match his tastes and unless he has very “broad” tastes that should account for about 95% of the female population gone as well. So in other word, he just eradicated about 97.5% of the world.”

“Right so...”

“But it gets worse.”

“Oh boy.”

“The remaining smattering of women are all very erotic. Which means they are most likely decently young, hence lacking experience and survival skills. Combine that with the collapse of supply lines and the majority of them would starve to **** within months. I be generous and say that only about 90% of them perished. In other words we can put the total human **** toll of Michael at 99.75%”

“Yeah, what an asshole.”

“In other words this character is officially worse then the protagonist from Bringer of Light.”

“Who, by the way, is only tenth on my scumbag protagonist list, so not that impressive.”

“Yes, because your measurements are clearly flawed, Gina.”

"Your the one with the cow tits!"

"That was not..."

“Fuck off and continue. Let’s see what else happens. I bet it’s more fucking.”

You remain silent for an entire minute. It never even occurred to you that all the dead people from the plague you created might have left the survivors suffering from their losses. You don't really have a choice, here, you might be above morality, you still have a conscience. "I promise you." you simply answer.

“You literally specified that people should die by plague, you sanctimonious fuck. Don’t try to take the moral high-ground now!”

“The God Emperor of Mankind picks some girls out of the crowd to have sexual intercourse and the story ends just before he could do the deed.”

“Meaning this time we do not even get to the sex. Because this branch was a grand total of five chapters long!”

“We could always read some more, Gina.”

“One more branch, Marcie. One more branch is all I can stomach of this shit.”

Then, you make it so everybody you meet instantly recognize you as his or her god and want to serve you in any way that might please you. Your will is strong enough to replace anybody's will in such a way that they wouldn't even think about puting up a fight no matter what you ask from them. You're the one and only god on earth, now, and people will find out soon enough.

"Oh look Marcie. It's you."

“How rude. People should worship me out of their own free will, not because they are magically compelled to.”

"Uhu. And how's that working out?"

"...let us move on."

Both of your hot sisters are among the first girls you've lusted after in your teenages years.

“Oh goodie, more ****!”

“Our protagonist physically changes his sister on top of the mental changes he already implemented and proceeds to have intercourse.”

“AND THEN THE BRANCH ENDS. WITH EVEN LESS CHAPTERS! HOW THE FUCK DOES THE AUTHOR EVEN MANAGE THAT?!”

“Gina calm down.”

“No, I don’t think I will, Marcie. We are done!”

“But there is only one branch left.”

“So, what?”

“If we do not finish this author off my Obsessive Compulsion Disorder will flare up.”

“For fucks sake. Fine!”

God said you could do anything you want with your new powers, but you have to test it out to be sure. Nothing too ambitious at first, you change the color or shape of a few pieces of furniture around you, then transform a pen into a fork and create a bar of gold out of thin air, which you then turn into butterflies in order to check wether you can create living creature. With those powers, you don't really need gold anyway.

You then decide to go further. You teleport yourself into a blank place made of pure light, out of time and space then wait a few minutes before going back to your bedroom. You check on your computer's clock and note that not a single second has passed. You then go back to the blank room and think about what you could do next.

“Branch 4 does not start out too well. This is the entire opening chapter.”

“So, we went from **** to genocide to more ****. Wonder what we get this time, Marcie.”

“Nothing so drastic. In this branch Michael creates an angel.”

“This reminds me of the bondage angel from sumo’s story and the not angel fucking that occurred there. Fucking hell, all this shit does is make me remember other shitty stories!”

“Hm well, but there is some irony to this.”“…how?”

“Because you know, Archangel Michael.”

“Shut up, Marcie.”

“Well, the angel and Michael proceed to have sexual intercourse and…oh”

“...say it.”

“That is the end of the branch.”

“TWO FUCKING CHAPTERS! THIS FUCKING BRANCH WAS TWO FUCKING CHAPTERS LONG! AND ONE OF THOSE TWO FUCKING CHAPTERS CONSISTED OF TWO FUCKING PARAGRAPHS!”

“Well, what is there to say about this story?”

“I don’t know, Marcie. Beside the fact this was absolute trash?”

“This author unfortunately does not seem to have the needed perseverance to keep a story going, which is quite ironic given the fact that the tale they created is in the top thirty of most popular stories on this site.”

“Yeah, some of these chapters got hundreds of likes. Do I get hundreds of likes? No!”

“Life just is not fair.”

“Bah!”

“Well, I believe all that remains is to see where Michael lands on the scumbag ranking, Gina.”

“He completely fucked humanity and his sisters in two of these branches and the only one in which he didn’t do anything too bad is where the author stopped writing after two chapters.”

“Your verdict?”

“Eh, I rank him at 5)”

“That is surprisingly low, Gina.”

“It’s the highest of all the Michael’s.”

“Hm, well technically…”

“What is it now, Marcie?”

“The protagonist of Bringer of Light is the same person as this one.”

“…”

“And since he is already on the list, would you not have to include his atrocities in your rating too?”

“Fuck it, it’s too late for this shit, I’m out.”

“Good night, everyone.”