Futa Formula One

It’s Saturday morning in Bahrain.

The morning sun kisses the skyline lovingly. It’s welcomingly warm, but not hot. The sea breeze is mellow yet refreshing. Pit framework is being constructed on the grid, and the team mobile HQ buildings are already in place in the paddock: a line of ten structures, each in the colors of their teams as their members mill about busily, decked out in their livery.

Golden light reflects blindingly from the windows of team HQ capsules, and the shapes of people eating breakfast are visible beyond the glare.

The entry point is packed, and security has their work cut out for them. One figure fights her way to the front, throwing elbows without care and stomping on the foot of a Mercedes pit supervisor who’s late to work.

She draws up in front of the stern-looking guard.

The guard watches stoically as the blonde in front of him fumbles out her pass. She looks pretty and down to earth in her snug jeans and white linen blouse with the sleeves rolled up. Her businesslike ponytail only hammers home the notion that she’s here to work.

With a little pink on her cheeks and a big smile, she hands over her press pass: ERICA BRUHL. The guard scans it and lets her through. Erica pushes her way through to the paddock, where she immediately spots Guenther from Haas, petting Lewis Hamilton’s bulldog.

“Ms. Bruhl,” Lewis says, spotting her. He raises a hand in greeting.

She waves back cheerily.

“Here for me?” he calls after her.

“Not this time,” she replies with an apologetic smile.

The energy in the paddock is crackling. This isn’t just the start of the new season; it’s a strange season. Team shakeups and even new teams aren’t unheard of in F1, but there’s a cultural shift underway, or maybe more like a cultural lurch.

It’s all because of the worldwide phenomenon that is the Football Ultimate Television Association, a trashy, gimmicky, yet irresistible football league that has taken everyone by storm through a combination of ruthlessly sexualizing the athletes and focusing more on drama than gamesmanship.

Formula One has begun to take cues from FUTA’s success. That’s why it feels like all the most baffling choices have been made with regard to not only drivers but team leadership as well. Erica is bursting with excitement. This season looks like an unholy mess, but at least the midfield won’t be boring with two completely new teams in action.

Erica draws up short, glancing over as Fernando Alonso and his assistant breeze past her. Ahead, the team HQs stretch out colorfully: Red Bull, Mercedes, Ferrari, McLaren, Freedom, Aston Martin, FUTA, AlphaTauri, Williams, and Haas.

Everything is brand new and gleaming. Bahrain is beautiful. The weather is perfect.

It’s going to be another magical Formula One weekend.