From Rags to Bitches, by Eismann

“Haaaaaahhhh…”

“You sound...relaxed? Gina, is something wrong?”

“Nah, Marcie. I’m just happy those huge ass stories are finally over. I nearly dieeeeed reading them!”

“Covering three massive tales back to back is admittedly quite the ordeal. This one should be a nice palate cleanser.”

“Uhu. So, what is this about, Marcie?”

You are a creature or person who is weak or just in a bad spot. People don't take you seriously, they treat your poorly, step over you without a second glance. You need to use every one of the few advantages you have perfectly to claw your way up the food chain.

“…”

“Hold on, didn’t we read that one already?”

“I believe you are referring to the Mongrel Pack, by HighGrove.”

“Oh right, that guy who never continued the Jenny Sex story. Fucking douchebag.”

“Yes, that guy. Anyways, this is a different story. We are reading From Rags to Bitches, by Eismann. More specifically, we are asked to review the branch Flinch, a cursed goblin abandoned by his tribe.”

“Of course it’s a fucking goblin. You know, slimes are weak monsters too. But nooo, it has to be one of those little shits.”

“Come now, Gina. Not all Goblins are bad.”

“You’re right. Cute girl goblins are not. Is this about a cute girl goblin?”

“Maybe?”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“It’s not about a cute girl goblin. Of course it’s not about a cute girl goblin. Why did I think a story would be about a fucking cute girl goblin for once! I can count the amount of cute girl goblins stories we had one one fucking finger, WHICH I AM HOLDING OUT RIGHT NOW! FUCK YOU!”

“Gina, take a deep breath.”

“FUCK YOU!”

“Haah, As most would have already guessed by the title, this story is about a male goblin called Flinch.”

“Which is a fucking stupid name, even for Goblins. Not even Rowe would like it, which by the way, is not the cute girl goblin I mentioned. It was Goma, from engin. What ever happened to engin? I rather read her fucked up gore than this.”

“Gina, focus at the task at hand”

“Fine!”

“Flinch may not have a splendid name but he does make up for it by being very weak. Yes, we are really starting at the bottom of the barrel here.”

Flinch was awoken from his stupor and pulled his face away, but it was all too late. The orc was now humming so intensely, that he could feel it in his bones.

“Wow, it already turned him into an Orc. That thing works fast.”

“I think it is supposed to say Orb, Gina.”

“I know, Marcie. I was making a joke.”

Her voice was strong and confident but not unkind.

“Brrr!”

“What?”

“I just relived a rather unpleasant memory.”

“Uhu. So goblin gets cursed by future **** device and has to escape from goblin-ville to hide in a cave. So far this has been resoundingly unsexy.”

“True, but these chapters are also very short. You could fit the first seven chapters into a Xar chapter and you would still have over half a chapter of existential dread left over.”

“Ok, something sexy is about to be sex up. Flinch comes across a Paladin and a Cleric who try to **** him for the crime of being a goblin.”

“That does not sound very sexy, Gina.”

“It does if the two start making love on the dead body of the little shit.”

“Gina, focus.”

“Yeah, yeah. Oh, branching path. Been a while. We can pick the sexy or the not sexy option, in other words it’s not a choice at all.”

“Die, you filth!”, with these words, she rammed her blade through Flinchs gut. His scream was suffocated by his own blood. Astra let go of his head and flung her sword to the side, throwing Flinch off it and into the wall.

“As it turns out picking the sexy option was not the answer.”

“And they didn’t even have sex on his dead body.”

[Bad End: Horny dumbass ending]

“HEY FUCK YOU!”

“We have yet to reach ten chapters, so let us circle back and pick the other path.”

“Bleh, why does that always happen?”

“In this path, Flinch acts a bit more crafty. He managed to pit the maiden fairs against a bear and eventually captures them.”

“Mostly because the Paladin is a moron who gets herself stuck in a hole.”

“A sentence that includes “Paladin”, “hole”, “Goblin” and “stuck” can only lead to one place.”

“**** town.”

“Which is also our first sex scene. Just like Flinch, it does not last very long. It goes on for all of two paragraphs.”

“Flinch does however manage to get the Paladin pregnant, which is not a good thing for the girl but it's even worse for him. These little shits are going to **** their dad the moment they can.”

“Classic Goblin’s. Luckily for Flinch, he gets visited by a Goddess who finds his antics amusing and offers him a boon, after catering a bit to the foot fetishists readers.”

“I’m actually surprised we hadn’t gotten more feet stuff. We covered like one foot story before that.”

“Gina please, this is no time for your foot fetish.”

“I DON’T HAVE A FOOT FETISH.”

“The boon is predictably erotic. Briefly put, the more sexual intercourse Flinch has the bigger, faster and stronger he becomes.”

“Hold on, Marcie.”

“What is it, Gina?”

“Where’s the **** device?”

“Hmm, there does not appear to be one.”

“Marcie.”

“Yes, Gina?”

“Are you trying to tell me there are no magic **** bands, capture rings or other mind control devices in this story?”

“Correct, Gina. Flinch has to solve his problems with wits and cunning, at least for now. It is actually quite refreshing. He is also surprisingly nice to his two slaves.”

“As nice as you can be when you keep two women as your breeding slaves.”

“Well, keep in mind, they did try to kill him.”

“Sure and the cleric speeds through Stockholm so fast she should get a ticket. Flinch wants to get some training in and the Valery is more then happy to oblige, which leads to another branching path choice.”

“According to the author’s note Martial Artist is the most developed path so lets go with that.”

“Goblins hatch. A whole brood of them. Nasty fuckers. Not even a few weeks old and they already tried to **** their mothers.”

“On pain of repeating, classic goblins. Luckily, no actual mother **** occurred as that would have been in violation of CHYOA rules for underage sex.”

“Is it even **** if the child is the one doing the ****?”

“Those are questions that should never be asked or answered, Gina. Moving on, now that Flinch has a decent amount of goblins at his disposal, he decides to attack a caravan of Paladin’s and Astra, that is the captured Paladin, even helps out in the attack.”

“Seriously? The bitch just attacks her fellow paladin’s like that? The fuck?”

“Yes, the story does try to justify it but the shift from resistance to slavish devotion happens a tad too fast. You’d assume there be at least some push-back against attacking their fellow humans.”

“Guess you don’t need mind control, when the bitches act like mindless zombies already. The enemy Paladins are all female, because of course they are and get defeated, but not killed, because of course they are.”

“That is not to say there are no casualties. Three of Flinch's spawn perish in the attack.”

“That would probably be more tragic if the little shits didn’t try to **** their own mothers.”

“The captured paladins are used as breeding slaves. We have a small orgy and funeral, in that order and then Flinch feels he needs to go on a journey to get stronger.”

It was a cave near the top of a mountain, icy winds crashed against his skin and sharp rocks dug into his feet. A waterfall of crystal-clear spring water crashed down onto a flat rock from which it first dispersed and then gathered back into a clear stream. The place was as beautiful as it was hostile, as serene as it was frightening, no normal creature could survive here for long without food and exposed to the cold with only water. Flinch however knew that that exactly was his task. He had to survive in this place, under these conditions and find peace amidst the natural fear of ****. He removed his clothes until he was left with only a loincloth and stepped towards the waterfall. He sat down on the flat rock and felt the freezing cold watersplash across his body, felt the cold dig itself deep into his body. He took deep breaths and then he started to focus, retreating his senses, his whole consciousness, into his mind. He wasn’t sure how long he would stay there, but he knew that he wouldn’t move until he had found the breakthrough he was looking for. He took deep breaths, and focused his mind.

“Ok weirdo We also get a sudden POV switch to a bunch of guards.”

They all stood around the creature in the same state of shock and disbelief that had frozen Graham earlier. The instructor regained his composure very quickly and signed for the others to be quiet while he drew his sword and approached the creature. He raised the blade above his head preparing the third form of the Royal Swordsmanship, an especially destructive technique even for a Weapon-Master, created to slice through anything it hit. “Die, orc.”, he whispered, then brought down his blade on the creature’s neck.

“Wow, this story Is really full of murderous fucks, eh?”

“There is a tendency towards **** but Flinch surprisingly let these soldiers live and then returns home.”

“THEN WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF ALL THAT?”

“To have the tribe grow in his absence? A rather odd choice for what is a Kingdom Builder type story, but during the two chapter long sabbatical Flinch had become a grandfather and the cave has turned into a veritable fortress.”

“So, Flinch being absent literally made the tribe more powerful. Awesome.”

“Well, he is no longer absent and decides to the time is ripe to go to war and conquer the world. A bit of an escalation, you could say.”

“Which his two psycho wives don’t have a problem with either.”

“And so the attack on a human village commences. Oh dear.”

“What now, Marcie?”

“I just question the strategic logic of attacking a village like that. This is not some small hamlet either. It has a palisade. And a guard detail. It even houses a powerful magic portal. The fall of a village like that should prompt a response from neighboring forces. Flinch tribe has no logistic and supply lines to speak off. How do they intend to sustain prolonged conflict without collapsing?”

“Easy. They don’t. Because the story stops here. Author hasn’t updated since last October, so I’m not holding my breath either.”

“What do you think, Gina?”

“This was nice and short.”

“That it was. I would say the story suffers from some pacing issues, chiefly that it moves too fast. Writing and grammar are decent. A few typos hear and there but not enough to get my breasts leaking. Characterization could be better. Astra and Valery start out strong but quickly devolve into Yes Women with little of their initial personality left.”

“I like that the chapter were short so I had to read less.”

“Anything else, besides brevity, that you would like to comment on, Gina?”

“This was a good reminder why I hate Goblins.”

“Loos like that is all we are getting out of this one, then. Which suits me fine because we happen to have to bomb a museum now.”

“Yay.”