Forward

I was dragging my feet. Part of it was rooted in cowardice, but in my defense, the topic wasn’t something that came up in normal conversation.

‘Hey, Mike, how you doing? You know how the whole thing with Owen blew up our group? Well, Emma was wondering if you wanted a go. No really, it’s cool. No pressure, but I would really like it if you did—we both would.’

Ugh. It sounded terrible even in my head. There was no dressing it up and I could only imagine how Mike was going to react. It didn’t help that Emma was still Emma. We had our moment together, and a few days later she sends me a new video clip of her staring into the camera while some guy hammered her with everything he had. The expressions she made…

It was also an indication that our ‘game’ had evolved, or maybe ceased to be. There was no reason why she was sending me this stuff, not like before. These were no longer ‘rewards’ to be distributed at her pleasure, but done because she wanted me to have them. Wanted me to see. To taunt me with what I didn’t have.

What a thing my life had become.

Mike and I were downstairs in my basement watching a new anime on Netflix. It was mostly an excuse to hang out and talk shit about stuff, but today seemed off. Our small group had been relatively drama-free for four years. Last Saturday cracked the ship in half and sank the whole damn thing in less than ten minutes, so it was a bit of a shock at how fast everything had changed. In a way, I saw it coming. Nothing that drastic of course, but Owen was always the volatile one in our group. Sooner or later, he was going to cross a line or push a button that no one should.

I shuttered to remember how I had been in the past—what I tolerated. Beyond other changes, Emma had a way of toughening me to some unpleasant realities. Certainly not the healthiest of ways to get to where I was, but I was here now. I was mostly comfortable with my wants and desires and was willing to fight for them.

“Guess Dungeons and Dragons is a done deal now.” He’d been brooding most of the time, and I figured this was what he was brooding about.

“No way I’m inviting Owen back. Not even if he apologized.”

Mike let out a humorless huff. “As if that asshat would apologize. I still think about what happened and I still can’t believe it. There is so much I don’t understand. Doesn’t even seem real.” He shook his head.

I took a deep breath, steeling my resolve. This was about as good a time as any.

“Mike, you are my best friend. Probably my only friend now that I think back on the last four years.” He seemed to sit a bit straighter at that. I’m sure he already knew it, but hearing it confirmed always made it better. “So what I’m about to tell you doesn’t come easy. I’m sure it will change the way you think of me, but to be perfectly honest? I need someone to talk to. Too much stuff is bottled up inside and I feel like I’m going to fall apart if I don’t get it out.”

Mike had a serious expression as he shifted in his seat to face me. “You’re my best friend too. Whatever it is, I’ll listen and do my best to keep an open mind.”

I nodded, took a shaky breath, and started talking.

The conversation started at the beginning. Emma wanted a study buddy. Simple enough. Harmless.

Then the evolution. The Game. The pictures I got that grew more explicit and ****.

The more I talked, the easier it became. I explained my relationship with Emma and how that too had evolved.

I got all the way up to around last Saturday and stopped, preparing myself for his reaction.

“Holy shit. That’s fucked up.” I grimaced. His tone wasn’t a judgment, just something expressing the overwhelming nature of everything I dumped on him. “You actually have pictures and stuff of her with other guys?” I nodded. He was silent for a moment. “Don’t you like her?”

“More than anything.”

“But she sleeps with other guys.”

I didn’t answer.

“Like, a lot of other guys, if what you’re saying is true.”

“Not that many. But... I like that too,” I answered, embarrassed. “It’s part of our ‘thing.’”

Mike was out of his depth. He looked like a drowning man, but bless his soul he was fighting the current to stay afloat. “So that stuff with Owen, you were cool with that?”

“No. Owen is an asshole and never should have been in that position in the first place.” My hands clenched tightly and I had to fight to relax them.

“Okay, good. Owen’s behavior was unacceptable so I’m glad we agree on that at least. Not sure I am that comfortable with all the other stuff though.” I hung my head, nodding. Of course. I knew all too well how fucking strange I was. Emma too. “But if that’s what makes you happy, then I guess that’s all that matters.” I looked up at him, surprised. “What? You seriously thought some weird kinks were enough to ruin a friendship? A friendship that is literally the last one I have left?”

“I think this is a bit more involved than a kink.”

Mike shrugged. “If it makes you feel better… I’m a huge hentai person. I look at it more than regular porn… almost exclusively. There. We’re even.”

I chuckled. “I always figured you for a Man of Culture.”

It seemed like such a small confession, but I knew how hard that was for him to admit. Mike was always freaking out about what other people thought about him. Sharing something like that must be tearing him up with worry.

There was a long silence as we both wallowed in our embarrassment. I started the episode over since we had missed most of it. We got through the entire episode before Mike spoke again.

“So… You and Emma dating then?”

“No.”

“But you want to?”

“…Yeah.”

He scratched his cheek. “You, uh, ask her out?”

“I did.”

“What did she say?”

“It’s… complicated. She is thinking about it.”

“How long?”

“Over a week. It seems like a long time, but I’m holding out hope. We… had a moment Saturday. After everyone else left.” He wiggled his eyebrows and I chuckled. “No. Not like that.”

Fuck it. I’d already come this far.

“Mike, remember how I asked if you would sleep with Emma if you had the opportunity?”

“Yeah?”

I braced myself. “Well… you have an opportunity.”

Silence. His eyes seemed to bulge a bit they widened. There was pure shock on his face.

“Dude…”

“I know. I know it’s fucked up—especially since it was the cause of all this shit in the first place. But Emma and I were talking. It came up. It’s something… I want. Both of us want.”

He ran a hand through his hair. He looked on the verge of a panic attack “I… I can’t, Isaac.”

I nodded, feeling my shoulders collapse forward. It had always been a long shot. “Don’t stress over it, man. It’s fine. I just thought I would run it past you. You know… In case…”

He faced the TV to avoid looking at me. His words were like a machine gun. “Can’t deny Emma is super hot, but she is also super experienced. I’m… not. All I would do is make an idiot out of myself. Not to mention she’s a friend—”

“Mike, it’s fine. You don’t need to explain yourself.”

“This seems important to you though. I don’t understand why, but I can at least see that.”

I reached over and squeezed his shoulder. “You owe me nothing, man. Just getting all this off my chest has been a huge help. Don’t worry about it. Forget I asked.” I managed a smile.

We watched the rest of the anime. It was a little awkward, but we powered through it by talking about some games coming out soon.

By the time he took off for the night, it was as if the conversation never happened.