First things first: let's figure out whose nipple this is.

It's pretty obvious that this is one turned-on woman, but licking some mystery woman's breasts on a quiet street is a just a little too weird for your taste. You fight back against her grip on your head, and break free, raising your eyes to see....Raven?!

Raven lives in the house next to yours with her mother, an old woman, and has often been the subject of your teenage fantasies. She has long hair as dark as her namesake, framing a face as beautiful as it is exotic. People whisper that she and her mother are descended from gypsies, and her smooth caramel skin definitely stands out in your mostly-white suburb. They’re very private people, too. You have no idea what she does for a living, if she has a boyfriend, what kind of movies she likes. In fact, the only things you know about her are that she’s 28 years old (she mentioned it to your mother because they share the same birthday), and that her nipples get pretty big when they’re aroused (and that last big of knowledge is rather recent).

You also start to realize how deep her dark eyes are, because she maintains eye contact as she readjusts her shirt, and you both slowly rise to your feet in silence. Finally, she speaks, but it’s far from the outraged cry you were expecting. In fact, if it weren’t for the seriousness of her gaze, you’d burst out laughing at what she tells you.

“Well David, I cannot say I was expecting this, but it is no mere accident that we meet in such an . . . intimate . . . fashion today. It is a clear message from the Fates, and we ignore it at our peril. I have known for a long time that something very dangerous will happen today, and only one human has the power to stop it. I have sought in vain for a sign for who this Savior will be, until today. David, I will not bore you with cliches about how the fate of the world hangs in the balance. It doesn’t, so shrink your ego a little. But those around you might possibly have a pretty crappy day if you don’t step up and be a man about this.”

OK, so this wasn’t the morning you were expecting. This is a little hard to take in. Through all of the weirdness, one important thing gets through: “Wait!” you shout. “I don’t have to miss my school trip for this, do I?”

Raven looks at you coldly. “I’m so glad you’re already thinking like a selfless hero, David. That gives me great confidence. No, you don’t need to miss the trip. This climactic event will occur while you’re on the trip.”

She sighs, and realizes she needs to talk in a language you understand. Unfortunately, it’s not a language she knows very well: “Yo, punkass, bad shit is goin' down today, and if you don’t step up, I’ll waste you myself, you dig?”

Somehow, you know she’s not kidding. So this time, you ask her a more relevant question.