First, wedding plans and changes of plans

With as small a wedding as Anne could countenance, and as simple a set-up as you could manage, it's still a lot. Your big sister sends you a lot of LOL as part of her responses to your updates in planning.

"You know, little bro, it's kind of just like you," Jennifer says, "to just stumble into something like this."

You're glad it's just a voice call, so your sister can't see you getting red in the face. You clear your throat. "Chance, you know, favors the prepared mind."

"Chance? Prepared? Haha, you were just lucky your girlfriend dumped you at the beginning of the summer, so you were free for your angry bitch boss to leap on top of your dick and accidentally on purpose get pregnant after one ride. From what you say, Anne sounds pretty great, but you know what? CONTROL FREAK. I'm gonna bring you a burner phone with my number on speed dial."

You're not sure what Jennifer thinks she'd do if it came into her mind that you need rescuing. So you figure she's just worried and wants to give you someone to talk to who isn't a crazy drama bitch or the lady landshark lawyer who waved a paternity suit and a pre-nuptial agreement under your nose, or one of the friends Anne's lending you out to. Not that you TOLD your sister that Anne likes to pass you around like a cocktail party appetizer.

Because you like that part. A lot.

Mom and Dad seem to be pleased but confused by all the wedding planning and news. With you out of the house, a half-day's drive away, and with Jennifer moved out but not very far, with her kids nearby to dote over, you're kind of the Human Interest section of their world, like the Parade Sunday Supplement to the newspaper.

They still take a newspaper. "Fishwrap, birdcage liner, you know," Dad says. "Papier-mache and stuff."

"I was worried about you, Joey," Mom says. "Living on your own, far away. Working as a lifeguard and pool boy. That could be a tricky thing to be. You might have ended up in the news the wrong way, like that Kato boy. But Anne seems nice. And a new grandchild on the way, what a nice surprise."

"And remember we're not staying long, Joey," Mom reminds you. "We're on our way to Vegas after, but we do want to meet Anne and your friends. Jennifer wasn't sure about after, maybe flying back, maybe staying over and taking the train back? But she does get a day away from her kids, at least. The two of you were a handful when you were little. At least Jennifer knows to be grateful when she drops off hers with us."

Mona and Rowan think it's HILARIOUS that you're getting married to your lifeguard job boss, a suddenly-rich divorcée, a fitness instructor and women's self-defence teacher fourteen years older than you and pregnant with your biologically verified oopsie baby.

"She's a British expat?" Mona says. "Look at her picture, is she Diana Rigg's long-lost love child? Tall, wide-eyed, dark red hair. Put Anne in a leather catsuit and mee-yow, Mrs. Peel here we go."

Rowan cracks up at that.

"And she picked you, Joe?" Rowan says. But then, as assistant manager and event booker for El Gringo Loco, it's back to business. "How many folks for El Gringo? Oh yeah, we can do that. Uh-huh, DJ and dancing, okay. That's me, I'll get one of the Gardenias to be the roadie, alright." Then she looks at Mona's phone to see Anne's picture. "Oooh. Classy. Dangerous looking. Better not disappoint her, Joe, or I'LL take her. Hmm, better get going on my DJ list."

"Not too lesbian a mix, Rowan," Mona cautions. "This isn't a Bleeding Gardenias gig for you and your band."

"What, there are gonna be three whole guys there? Four?" Rowan raises an eyebrow.

You clear your throat. "Me, Dad, Sarabeth's husband. Maybe Anne's ex. Maybe a couple of plus-ones?"

"Anne's ex-husband?" Rowan snorts. "Is the ink on the divorce even dry? Why would she invite him?"

"Might be a joke, I don't know," you say. "Anne said she'd love to see her lawyer kick his cheating ass again, she thinks he enjoys it."

Rowan and Mona laugh and shake their heads.

Mona tilts her head. "Joe. You told me that after the settlement, Anne's lawyer hate-fucked Anne's ex and pissed all over him."

Rowan pops her eyes open. "I gotta meet this chick. She's going to be at the wedding?"

"Yeah, but, um, I think she's straight," you say. "I think most of them are."

"That just makes it a challenge," Rowan says. "Maybe she'll let me watch."

Mona clears her throat. "Rowan? Um, boss? The DJ list? Anne sent some ideas."

"Okay," Rowan says. "I got this. Hmm, what does Anne like?"

"Don't go hitting on the bride, Rowan," Mona says. "She might hit back. But Joe said Anne's invited her big sister."

"Ooo."

You leave Mona and Rowan chuckling at each other and setting things up for the venue, food, and dancing.

"I'm not having much luck with the beach house for the honeymoon week, or the post-wedding open house, or the ride my husband getaway," Anne tells you. "Ah ha ha, I see you like that last bit. So, Mr. Campion. You want to have a go? Maybe someone on that list would know a place. I still have to get the officiant lined up for the ceremony."

"Let's just call it an open house, Ms. Campion. My sister might want to stay, at least a day or two."

"Call me Mrs. Campion, I like that. So. Mr. Campion. Would your sister be more scandalized that I'm offering you around for prick rides? Or jealous if I don't offer her any of you? Or simply that you are my toy boy?"

"Jennifer's worried you're a control freak. But she might feel better, seeing us together."

"Absolutely invite Jennifer, then. If she's your champion, I want her on our side," Anne says. "That is, if we can find a place. Get on it, chop-chop."

"Yes, Mrs. Campion."

"Say it again, Joe."

"Yes, Mrs. Campion, I'll find us a place."

It turns out you do know a guy, or rather a gal.

"You can have the place for a week as my wedding gift, if you invite me along."