Fan Mail 1, Part 4: A Girl And Her Robot

Andromeda

The fan-mail pile threw a wrench in last night’s plan. Andromeda retreats to the library, planning on actually going to watch the others eat to regroup.

At the moment, Bella and Summer are both hanging with Andromeda, having been banished from the rooms they are assigned to clean by Tegan and Tessa, respectively. The hoppalong is holding a pornographic book upside down, a buzzing emanating from her below the table; the drow is laying back, sharpening an estoc.

The first letter is pulled from the pile, so Andromeda carefully peels the plain envelope flap up. She pulls out the letter, neatly typed out, and begins to read:

Andromeda,

As a fellow nerd, someone trying to help out a master/mistress that could often be unprepared, and someone who become distinctly non-human as a slime girl, I'm hoping I can help you out. I've never been a robot, but I did have my sexual orientation changed (to bisexual if you're curious) so I also very much understand the confusion and adjustment period required for having a sexuality you didn't previously.

With all that in mind, the main thing I'll say is that you've got to get out of the library! I understand wanting to do research, but don't let Mona and everyone else forget about you in the background. That is not a safe place to be in Harem Hotel, even with a very kind host like you guys have. You don't have to be super horny with Mona, especially as she seems more than forward enough about that kind of thing, but you do need to make sure others notice you, that you are not forgotten. Otherwise, you could be eliminated from just a lack of attention, something that almost happened to someone on my season.

Other than that, I'll say for now that you can trust your host. She has been through this type of thing before, albeit as the master, and is very much on your side here. She is however constrained by the format, so you will need to help yourself, and that means more than just preparing for a fight with eldritch horrors. After all, you can't help Mona if you don't make it to the end with her.

Sincerely,

Noah

That last line hits hard. And a somewhat fair point.

“Considering how I spent yesterday afternoon, I’m not sure if the accusation that I have spent all my time in the library is exactly warranted. Still, I accept that I have been isolating myself too much.”

“My orientation change is... ongoing, I suppose. I did not exactly know what the old one was; the nuances of the asexual spectrum is murky to say the least. Mona tweaking that part of my emotional state still needs some work. Perhaps I will be a proper bisexual by the time Mona finishes.”

The next letter has a larger sense of drama, with a red wax seal. Andromeda pops it open and starts to read:

Dear Andromeda,

My name is Emi. I'm in a different season and I wanted to write because starting out in this game is strange and I remember what that felt like.

The most useful thing I can tell you is to trust the people around Harper. I met Skye and Scarlet at a birthday party a little while ago and they're both genuinely good. Skye in particular has been my friend since my first round here, and she is warm and kind. And Scarlet has this calm about her that made me feel steadier just being near her. Harper chose well. I'm sure you've met both of them already, and there are more I haven't met yet (my friend Sam talks about a Tina?) but trust them, they're good people.

The other thing I'd say is that the transformation is going to keep surprising you. Mine gave me four extra arms. For a while I kept knocking things over and waking up convinced something was wrong, and then one day they were just mine. I draw with all six now and I can't really imagine going back. I don't know what yours feels like from the inside but I think the becoming takes longer than the change itself, if that makes sense.

This place has a way of turning into something good if you let it. I hope it does for you.

With a big hug,

Emi Kim

P.S. I'm friends with Skye. She has kids who draw pictures of people they like. Just so you know that's a thing that might happen to you.

I presume, by context clues, that Tyalangan used a different name at one point. That makes sense; she was a human once.

“This game is strange, I must confess. I essentially lost my sense of touch outside of erogenous zones. It is slowly coming back, as I cover myself in leylines during spell scribing, but seeing yourself hold onto an object and not feel it was odd.”

“I have met Skye. She is in charge of the kitchen. My robotic nature means that I do not eat anymore, so I do not see her as often as you may expect. I have not met Scarlet. Tina is the assistant host and she is... a lot. It is not that I mistrust them, I just am not the most sociable person. I will take your suggestion to heart, though, and try to not just live in my own little bubble.”

The final envelope is flashy, gold foil sparkling. Andromeda carefully opens it. Bella snags the envelope to play with it.

Andromeda,

I must say, I am a big fan of yours, right off the bat. I play a game very similar to your Leylines, and also am a fan of eternal formats. I think that you should give Pauper a try, if you are ever looking for a new way to play. It’s eternal just like your preferred Legacy and Vintage, but the lower power level allows for much tighter gameplay, because there is less possibility of playing badly but winning because you had a Psychic Frog and your opponent did not have an answer. I gather that you are a fan of casting blue spells, but with so much blue variety in your preferred formats, I have to know. What is your favorite macro-archetype to play, and which format do you like playing it in the most? I am personally a Pauper combo gamer at heart.

Intrigued,

Aurelia

Hmm... thinking about Leylines is a pleasant distraction. I really should go set up my date soon...

“I know it’s not considered top tier at the moment, but I am a BUG control player, through and through. I think our Host here knows a thing or two about the game; she entitled my transformation sets off of cards in my deck; I guess she decided that none of the green cards in it were fitting exactly? Then again, green is essentially a splash color in the current meta.”

“As far as Pauper goes, I will play it casually on occasion, but the tournament circuit for it is a little lacking compared to Modern. I carry a UB Faeries deck, splashing some green for sideboard tech, just in case.”

“Bad beats happen in every format, though. An unanswerable angler wins just as readily as the frog.”

I really should be planning my date. Maybe I should get with Tyalangan about getting some cards?

Mona

Mona returns to the Mistress Suite. Ophie is playing Mugen again, but turns the game off when she notices the Mistress has returned. She greets, “Hey, Mona, what’s up?”

“I got fan-mail. Wanna help me read them?”

Shrugging, Ophie scoots over on the couch. She didn’t need to do it, as the couch is plenty big. Mona flops down beside the sea elf maid. The pile of letters is placed on the coffee table.

The first letter to attract Mona’s attention is the one that looks like the one she got before. She tears it open and reads:

Dear Mona,

I haven't heard back from you, which might mean you're fine and busy and my letter is sitting in a pile somewhere between a care package from Tyalangan and whatever Ophelia left on your doorstep. That would be good. Most likely, it means that time dilation shenanigans have started again, and your season is moving more slowly than mine. For what is worth, it's been about three days since I received your letter. Which isn't a lot of time, admittedly. I'm writing anyway, because I figured I'd rather check in and find out you didn't need it than not check in and be wrong about that.

How are you doing? The actual version.

I've been thinking about what you described — the first date, the contestant who came in already decided against you, the pressure of figuring out how to be a Mistress when nobody hands you a manual. That's a lot to carry in the first few weeks, and you were carrying it while also being funny about it, which I recognize as a skill and also as a significant amount of effort. I hope that Craig improves his behavior. But if he doesn't, let me know. I may be able to help.

I know what it's like to grow up feeling like you were the one who didn't quite make it work the way everyone expected. I'm not going to tell you that stops mattering, because it doesn't, not entirely. What I can tell you is that the place you're in now — with a season, with a harem, with Tyalangan watching your back — is not the place where that story has to keep going. You get to write a different one here if you want to.

Did you ever ask Tyalangan about the diet? I'm still curious about that. And I want to know how Gaia is doing, honestly. The eco-terrorist babysitter arc has been living rent-free in my head. Also, how is Tegan nowadays?

Write when you can.

Andy Cooper

Master, The HH — Current Season

Masters Support Group — Founding Member

P.S. [The Consort] says hi. She read my first letter to you and has decided she likes you based entirely on the Command+++ question, which she says shows "genuine creative problem-solving." I'm slightly concerned about that.

“Was I supposed to write back?” Mona asks, blushing a little at being called out like that, “Also, what’s a consort?”

“Generally,” Ophelia replies, “it is the polite thing to do to reply. But Uncle Andy and his wife know that you’re busy.”

“Okay, so I definitely need to write back to this one,” Mona resolves, “Anyways, hi again Mr. and I guess Mrs. Cooper! It’s been a busy four days, but I should have found some more letter time? Sorry. I’ll be better!”

Mona keeps talking as Ophelia goes to do... something, “Everything is still a lot, but I like to think that I am adjusting. I had some help, but I haven’t had an ultimately bad date since I wrote to you last time. I still need to be better, but I’m sure I am making progress. And Ophie got me a Sumiku replica mug, just like the one advertised in your Host’s big package season bundle thingy!”

“Craig has been behaving, at least to me. The command obedience power thingy Tyalangan gave him seems to have done the trick, I think?”

“Honestly, I was more complaining about the diet than anything else. Josie already told me that kids would pick up my bad eating habits, so it was better to make me learn how to earn a sexy body before the show gave me one. Here’s hoping that I get the sexy body TF when that vote comes up; or, magic would be cool. Can I wish for a tie?”

“I have more letters, so I’ll write back soon!”

Mona is instantly attracted to the shiny gold foil envelope. She snags it to read:

Mona,

Your season intrigues me. You seem to have the makings of a competent Mistress, despite your current state. Your harem seems to mostly view you in a positive light, and you have the willingness to grow in the ways you must. I hope to see you grow into the role you have been given. A word of advice, from me to you – listen to Andromeda a bit more, and Craig a bit less. I understand that you already do not listen to Craig a lot, but it’s already too much. He does not want to grow or change, so he will be broken by the show. So it shall be written, so it shall be done.

Aurelia

Another person telling me to not trust Craig. And this one is actively rooting for his elimination. Seriously, what am I missing?

Then the name kicks in. She does not recognize it. Mona greets, “Ooh, new person. Hi, new person!”

“Thank you for believing in me! I know I have more work to do, but I am still trying! I need to be better for all of them! And I’ll listen to Andromeda more.”

The next letter is almost as shiny. It has a sticker keeping it closed. The cartoon character on it is like if Handy Smurf (The sexiest smurf!) and Mr. Clean had a cool baby with a mustache. Mona giggles at it as she opens to read:

To Mona,

A word from someone who has seen **** centers of gravity collapse under less pressure than this: the system may have put you in the middle, but that does not mean every wound around you is your fault. It does mean your choices matter. There is a difference between accepting love and collecting people, between being desired and allowing desire to become ownership, between letting the Hotel hand you power and deciding what kind of person is holding it. If the people around you knew you before this place, then every kindness and every cruelty will echo louder than it otherwise. Be careful with that.

A different hand left a note in the margins:

This is the useful paragraph. I recommend reading it twice.

Before Mona could speak, Ophelia, looking as alarmed as Mona has ever seen her from the archway towards the kitchen, stammers, “Mona, be very, very careful here. That’s a letter from a Producer.”

“A Producer?”

“An entity powerful enough to generate the magic to run a show.”

Mona understands the panic now. She needs to be mindful. “Uh, hi, Mr. Producer. Thank you for the kind letter. I have been slowly figuring all of this out. I want to be someone worthy of all of them. I know I have messed up and I know I’m going to keep messing up, but I’m going to keep trying until I get it right.”

She pauses, thinking. When she continues, she notes, “But I especially needed to hear that not everything is my fault. Just because I am the center or whatever doesn’t mean I can or should be responsible for everything. They still can control their actions. I need to think some more about it.”

The next letter looks like it was written on computer paper. Mona opens it and reads:

Mona,

We talked recently, but as someone with a little bit more experience, and who got the chance to watch your season properly, some important notes are in order,

1. Do not trust Craig. I shouldn't even need to say this, but just in case, assholes like him do not learn, no matter how many times they are punished for their bad behavior. I see you taking control, and that's good to see, but he will try to undermine you. Do not let him.

2. Never let anyone be left out, other than maybe Craig. You can't play with Kevin directly, for understandable reasons, but you can still make sure he's gaining points and is in a good position. Pay attention and make sure you aren't letting someone get eliminated because they got lost in the background. That almost happened because I was too up my own ass in the first week.

3. The thing you want to do anyway, assuming its sexual, is often the thing that helps out a contestant. To be blunt, being a pervert is rewarded under the game's rules. Contestants can do a lot here, but it's better to make their job easier.

Otherwise, I think you're really getting into this role, and your host knows what she's doing. Tyalangan has been in your position before, after all, under a far, far worst host, and is trying to be a much **** host than most. Within reason, you can trust her.

Sincerely,

Felix

Mr. Cooper and Felix are both warning me about Craig. What do they know that I don’t?

“Hi, Felix! It’s been a couple of days for us! Did you bang Cammy super good and cum? I hope you did!”

“Craig seems to be following directions okay? I’ll watch out, just in case, but I think the punishment Tyalangan gave seemed to have worked.”

“I have been being good about helping everyone. And have been open with my sexy time desires. It’s been a bunch of fun, even when I end up doing something stupid sexy, like getting to try out being engulfed by aphrodisiac slime last night.”

The next letter is like Mr. Cooper’s, but is brown wax on cream envelope. The paper of the letter feels thick. The hand unsteady, as if the writer is uncomfortable with how subdued and fancy it is. She still reads:

Mona,

Verena asked me to write you a letter and I had to ask why and who. Then I had to ask what a NEET was, and after that I had to stop asking questions because Verena was beginning to look at me like I had failed an exam. I will be honest: I do not understand much of the life you came from. In my world, people do not often get the chance to vanish into games and rooms and little private kingdoms. Though I wish we all could. There are heroes yes, but also villains and disasters. Survival is not taken for granted where I came from, and so we find ourselves overwhelmed by the thousand ordinary things that keep a person moving whether they feel ready to move or not. I also do not remember enough of my own childhood to know what kind of stories I would have hidden inside, if I had been allowed to have them.

But I don't blame you. This isn't a lecture. Something I do understand is hiding. I understand shame. I understand waking up one day and discovering that a system has placed people around you, given you power over them, and then waited to see whether pressure will make you cruel. That part is not foreign to me at all. Whatever you were before this, you are not only that now. The people with you are not trophies from your old life, or rewards for surviving loneliness, or proof that someone finally decided you mattered. They are people. Some of them may love you. Some may resent you. Some may need you before you know how to be needed. That does not mean every hurt is your fault, but it does mean your choices have weight.

So my advice, for whatever it is worth, is simple: do not try to become worthy of them all at once. That road leads to panic, and panic makes people grasp too hard. Start smaller. Tell the truth when you can. Apologize before pride has time to build a wall around the mistake. Do not let the Hotel convince you that wanting someone and owning someone are the same thing. And when you are frightened that you are still the girl who failed, hid, and ate whatever was easiest because tomorrow felt too large, remember this: a person does not become brave because she was never weak. She becomes brave when someone needs her and she chooses not to run.

Van

“Hey, the Genesis Response guy wrote me!”

Ophie blinks, “Yeah, so?”

“He’s cute. A cute boy wrote to me! Well, Mr. Cooper and Felix are also cute. And maybe the Producer and Aurelia is, but I can’t be sure...”

The sea elf maid sighs, “Just focus on the letter.”

“Oh. Right. I’m sorry about your world, Van. It sounds difficult. I guess you had a rough time with your introduction to the whole ‘dreamnapped into porn land’ thing? I know that I am a work in progress; I know I need to be worthy of them, but it won’t happen overnight. Thank you for the advice.”

Mona grabs some stationary and a too fancy pen. She has a lot of letter to write. She wants to get them ready by lunch.