Epilogue: Wardrobe Malfunction

Lois Lane could barely breathe as she walked down the aisle. She told herself that she hadn't put on that much weight, but when they had done the fitting for the dress, it had been two weeks and at least six pounds ago. Her belly bulged against the white cloth, and she'd had to forego the bra because there was no way she could get both the bra and her boobs squeezed into the tight garment.

The bride-to-be smiled nervously as she walked, clutching the bouquet of flowers in her hand, feeling all the eyes on her. She was only fourteen weeks pregnant, but she felt like she'd swallowed a pumpkin. The dress which should have been form-fitting was now a taut white dome leading the way, and Lois had to fight not to waddle down the aisle...where her "groom" awaited.

Angelica Blaze had opted for a scarlet tuxedo. Her breasts were small enough that she didn't stand out too much in the suit coat, and the pants were loose enough to hide how hung she was. Her only quirk was choosing to wear a red veil atop the suit...and Lois smiled at this little conceit, because of course only she and Blaze knew why the "other bride" wore red.

On her left, Lois could see her friends and co-workers from the Daily Planet. Clark Kent was there, with Diana Prince as his date. Jimmy Olsen, whom Lois had to talk out of a bridesmaid's dress, made do with a pink tuxedo. Lana Lang and Lucy Lane, the official bridesmaids, wore matching dresses of the same pink color. Blaze's side of the aisle was more...unusual. Lois had learned to see the signs of glamours, and the men and women that filled the rows were not, she was sure, human at all. Still, as long as they behaved themselves...

Jason Blood stood with a black book in his hands, smiling like the devil as Sam Lane led his oldest daughter before the altar. There had been a few words when she'd told her dad how the marriage was happening in a nonsectarian church...and she'd managed to avoid telling him that it was actually a Satanic chapel, and they'd just stowed the inverted crosses for this ceremony.

"Dearly beloved, friends and family," he began. "We have come together to celebrate the joining together in matrimony of Lois Lane and Angelica Blaze..."

Lois was almost shaking with excitement. Her heart was pounding, and she began to take deep breaths to calm. After more than three months together, they were getting married...it was really happening!

They lifted their veils. Angie was smiling...really smiling. White teeth showing. No little half-smile, no smirk or leer. Lois held out her hand so that her wife-to-be could slip on the ring. Her bosom heaved...

The church was so quiet, everyone could hear the seam split. The upper part of the dress fell open, the reporter's pregnancy-swollen nipples, not yet darkened, on display. Acting fast, Lois brought her right hand up, the bouquet hiding her breasts...or so she hoped.

Nothing was going to stop her wedding. It was just a little wardrobe malfunction. Not a problem.

Lois held the bouquet to her breasts as they finished the exchange of rings, the saying of vows. Heart leaping in her chest, she heard herself say: "I do."

As they leaned in to kiss each other, Angie tugged at the torn dress, just a little...and that was the reporter's first inkling that the damage was much, much worse than she thought.

They turned to head back down the aisle, arm in arm, Lois still holding up her front with her right hand while gripping the bouquet to her chest. The music began to play, they stepped off...and Lois felt a distinct gust of air hit the side of her protuberant abdomen. A seam down the side of the torso had given way. The newlywed bride's smile grew waxen as she felt critical fabric supports start to slip...and then her skirt caught under her right toe.

Lois stumbled forward, still clutching to her dress. Angie stooped to catch her...the bouquet went sailing...three women dove out of the audience to catch it, Diana Prince leaping like a salmon to pluck it out of the air...and Lois hopped forward, wishing, really wishing, that Angie had left her any underwear to wear beneath her wedding dress.

Her cheeks burned as Angie slipped her jacket around her pregnant bride. The organist, not sure what was taking so long, kept playing. There was a flash, followed by the unmistakable sound of Lucy Lane swatting Jimmy Olsen upside the back of his head and grabbing at the camera. One of the women on Angie's side began to pull off her own dress.

"I didn't know it was that kind of wedding!"

The reporter sighed. Angie helped her to her feet...and then swooped her up to carry her, down the aisle, through the shower of birdseed, into the waiting limousine.