ENF-133 - DEVOURER OF PRIDE

Item #: ENF-133
Object Class: Ishtar

Containment Procedures: ENF-133 should be carefully monitored through use of deep-space telescopes for any signs of deviation in its course. Research should continue into averting the possibility of an Inferno category mass blush event, which is currently scheduled to occur sometime around 2037. It is advised that no further attempt to make physical contact with ENF-133 be made.

Description: ENF-133 is a statue of a winged woman, carved from an unknown black metal, about four hundred miles in diameter, currently drifting through space somewhere in the vicinity of the planet Venus. Its erratic orbit around the Sun is thought to bring it past the Earth about once every five thousand years.

The only surviving account of its effects comes from an ancient clay tablet excavated from central Anatolia, seeming to date from a highly advanced pre-Sumerian civilization, in which it is referred to as the Devourer of Pride. Though much of the tablet is missing, the order of events is fairly clear.

First, the queens of all the world's cities were made to dance in the marketplaces, wearing only their jewellery, shaking their breasts and bottoms for the lowliest of their subjects. Second, the priestesses of all the gods were **** to crawl nude through the streets and apologize to everyone they met for their deceptions, while the townsfolk laughed and pelted them with vegetables.

Third, the women of every land from Egypt to Hyperborea were stripped bare and obliged to construct vast mud statues in honor of their humiliation, while all the men gathered to enjoy the spectacle of their plight. And their shame was neverending, for a new Age of Nightmares had begun.

It is not known what happened after that, or how the Age of Nightmares ended. Dr. Khan has speculated that we are still living in it.

Transcript:

Control: Minerva One, this is Control. Do you copy?
Minerva: We copy, Control. This is Commander Tatiana... Tatiana Sexpants.
Control: (a faint snicker, quickly repressed). How are you doing, Commander Sexpants?
Minerva: (a sigh). Mission proceeding on schedule. Nothing wrong with the Minerva so far. I thought the left gravity thruster might be a little misaligned, but I've sent one of the girls down to steerage to check it out and it seems to be working fine. Object coming into view.
Control: What's it look like, Sexpants?
Minerva: (another sigh). Just like you described it. A big girl, no doubt about that. Funny.
Control: What?
Minerva: Her face is coming into view. Is she... smiling?
Control: Does it matter?
Minerva: I guess not. She wouldn't be smiling if she knew why we're here. Coming closer. We're going to touch down somewhere on her stomach and plant the warhead in her belly button. Blow this bitch to kingdom come.
Control: Good luck, Sexpants.
Minerva: Doubt I'll need it. We're coming closer. No trouble so far. Dr. Blithe is going to owe me so many beers after this... wait.
Control: What? What happened.
Minerva: Did she just... wink?
Minerva: (static)
Control: Minerva One? What's happening? Can you read me? Come in, Minerva!
Minerva: (static). naughty...
Control: Tatiana! Come in!
Minerva: (static). naughty... girl...
Control: Come in, Minerva. What's going on? Who's a naughty girl?
Minerva: I'm... (static). I'm... I'm a naughty girl, Control...
Control: Minerva, you're making no sense. Explain the situation. You know how much depends on this.
Minerva: Control...
Control: Yes?
Minerva: I can see them. The crew... Betty's in the shower. She doesn't know... about the nerd.
Control: The nerd?
Minerva: He's got a camera. He's prepared... but Betty doesn't know. And it's so slimy. They've got Lin Yang in a glass jar in the principal's office and they're filling it up with sticky slime...
Control: Minerva One, abort mission. I repeat, mission abort.
Minerva: It's too late, Control...
Control: What do you mean?
Minerva: It has us, Control. It had us all along. It can see us. They can all see us. Oh, god, there's thousands of them...
Control: Thousands of what? Come in! Minerva!
Minerva: My pants...
Control: Commander, this is urgent. Immediately explain the relevance of your pants.
Minerva: I've got sexy little pants... and they're going to take them off... EEK! EEEEK! DON'T LOOK AT ME! DON'T TAKE OFF MY SEXY LITTLE PANTS!

Transcript Ends