ENF-069 - BELL

Item #: ENF-069
Object Class: Godiva

Containment Procedures: ENF-069 is to be kept in a soundproof room on the Red Level of Research Facility 1-A, as far away from Foundation workspaces as possible. Since this may not be enough to fully muffle the chimes, 1-A staff are advised to maintain cordial relationships with each other at all times, inasmuch as this is compatible with the pressures of cutting-edge science. Earplugs, unfortunately, do not help.

Description: ENF-069 is a brass bell about three feet in diameter, recovered from a church tower in [REDACTED], Italy, where local legend suggests it had been hanging for almost five hundred years. The Latin motto AMOR VINCIT OMNIA is inscribed around its rim. It possesses no clapper, but is nonetheless capable of making a loud ringing noise when provoked.

The bell is highly sensitive to feuds, disagreement and conflict, especially between women. If it detects two women arguing, it may ring. If it determines that a serious rivalry has developed between the women in question, it will almost certainly ring. The ringing is soft, high-pitched and calming to listen to, and does not seem to obey ordinary laws of acoustics. It can be heard from miles away, regardless of how carefully silenced the bell is. The upper limit of its range is unknown.

It converts conflict into kissing. The bigger the argument, the more passionately the bell's victims will be obliged to kiss each other. Particularly disputatious women are often made to embrace, to undress each other, to fondle each other's breasts, and even engage in [REDACTED], without regard for wherever they happen to be at the time. The targets are fully conscious of their position and their mutual enmity remains unaltered, but they are unable to prevent themselves from engaging in lascivious, sweaty, intimate and frequently naked make-out sessions, often devolving into full-blown [REDACTED]. It must be acknowledged that this object's identity number is aptly chosen.

Until the bell was removed, the town of [REDACTED], Italy was famously peaceful, although there were often rumors about the local nunnery, to which all the most argumentative women in Tuscany were sent.

Addendum 069-001: I'm going over Dr. Cifuentes' notes and, with respect, I don't think she's on the right track here. It obviously works by quantum entanglement, not subliminal synthetics. Are those even real?

Addendum 069-002: Emilia, you know I have the greatest respect for you as a scientist and as a colleague, but it's so obviously subliminal synthetics that I'm astonished anyone would dispute it. I'd invite you to my keynote speech on this very issue at the upcoming Parapsychology Convention in Miami, but I suspect that some of the big words would go over your head.

Addendum 069-003: What an odd coincidence. I'll also be presenting at that conference, on the topic of how subliminal synthetics is the most obvious scientific fraud since phlogiston. Perhaps we could hash it out there?

Addendum 069-004: That was all your fault, you insolent bitch.

Addendum 069-005: My fault? What kind of person keeps a big pink [REDACTED] in her purse? And how dare you use it on me?

Addendum 069-006: How dare you interrupt my keynote? You made a laughingstock of me in front of the whole convention! Frankly, I think you had a big pink [REDACTED] coming.

Addendum 069-007: Girls, this is Dr. Sharpe. I'm officially instructing you to put an end to this feud right away. No excuses. We don't need a repeat of yesterday's events in the cafeteria. If you want to strip each other naked and lick jelly off each other's nipples, do it on your own time.

Addendum 069-008: Angela, I can't believe your arrogance. You know that wasn't my idea. Do you really think I like the taste of Dr. Cifuentes' [REDACTED]? Or her big pink [REDACTED]? I might just march up there and give you a piece of my mind.