ENF-035 - PARASITE

Item #: ENF-035
Object Class: Ishtar

Containment Procedures: ENF-035 is currently known to affect at least two dozen Foundation staff, including Dr. Melissa Cifuentes, Dr. Emilia Lucent and the entire Artemis containment team. Since physical quarantine has no effect, and ENF-035 has minimal impact on the daily life of its hosts, Foundation work is encouraged to continue as normal. Affected staff should report to Dr. Blithe on a daily basis for a detailed analysis of their erotic history.

Description: ENF-035 is a temporal parasite that retroactively inserts itself into the past of its host, creating new memories for it to inhabit. These memories are almost always intensely humiliating, and can be confirmed by photographic evidence and interviews with the host's acquaintances to have actually taken place in real life.

It was first discovered by Foundation staff during a routine debriefing session of security officer Carol Song, who admitted under interrogation to accidentally buying a water-soluble prom dress. Statistical analysis confirmed this to be improbable. Two days later, Dr. Cifuentes began to question her own memory of locking herself out on a balcony naked during an Independence Day parade.

Dr. Blithe hypothesises that ENF-035 prefers emotionally "warm" environments in which to reproduce. He offers as evidence the fact that all members of the Artemis team can remember having sweaty, naked group sex on multiple occasions, despite only two of them being lesbians.

Addendum 035-01: I can't stop this thing unless everyone co-operates with my research. Yes, Emilia, that means I do need to know about the time you lost your bikini bottom to a freak wave in front of the whole chess club. Do you want it to infect the whole Foundation? Or the world?

Addendum 035-02: I understand it's hard to believe that you spent Christmas morning strapped to a ping-pong table while the Artemis team and the head of the Statistics Department took turns sitting on your face. It does seem out of character for Angela and the security girls to ambush you in the break room at such an early hour. However, the cameras don't lie.

Addendum 035-03: A careful analysis of the contents of Dr. Angela Sharpe's private diary suggests that she is now a host of ENF-035. This confirms my theory that the parasite spreads from host to host via scenes of sapphic intercourse, and puts us one step closer to a cure.

Addendum 035-04: A breakthrough at last! While ENF-035 can alter its host's history in almost any way it chooses, it cannot duplicate events. A host will only lose her pants once, be strip-searched once, be handcuffed naked to a flagpole once, etc. This means Foundation staff can easily be immunized. All we have to do is give every woman who works here a sufficiently wide variety of embarrassing memories that the parasite has nothing to add.

Addendum 035-05: Melissa, stop hiding in the bathroom. If it weren't for my carefully designed humiliation procedures, the entire world could be infected by now. Do you think it was easy to round up all your worst enemies from high school? Just for once I'd appreciate a little respect.